All right, my boyfriend and I have been together for four and half years and totally love each other. I have always been really insecure and have had bouts with depression. He's always been really supportive of me and reassures me that he thinks I'm beautiful and that he loves me for who I am not what I look like. Yet, for our entire relationship I have always been extremely jealous. Its so hard for me when he becomes friends with other girls, talks about other girls, takes other girls out to eat, etc. I know he would never cheat on me and he has never given me any reason to be suspicious. I know he is faithful to me and he is sincere in that the girls are only his friends. This past year I have gained a lot of weight (50 lbs) due to a combination of stress eating and depression and so I don't even find myself remotely attractive. So of course, I have become extremely insecure. This past semester he has been working at a job where he supervises 15 girls, all of whom are beautiful and have wonderful personalities. Part of his job is taking pictures of them and so he comes home and wants to show me his work. Needless to say, it's sooo hard to look at the pictures without feeling threatened, insecure, or like the most worthless person out there.

Let me first note that I am well aware I am jealous and insecure and my jealousy stems from my insecurity, but why is that he has told me how much he loves me, that he thinks I am his soul mate, and he wants to marry me, and yet I still want to cry when he says he went out to lunch with a female friend I see as a threat? I guess I'm afraid he won't want me anymore because of my jealousy and will want to date them... But why can't I accept that he loves me and am just waiting for him to hurt me? (which he is not going to, besides, if he was wouldn't he have done it 4 years ago?)

Please help, I need advice.

A lot of this is because you don't feal good about yourself. I had a small time when I fealt the same way. My boyfriend is a supervisor at a coffee shop and has several girls that work there. They are all young and beautifull, I however am not either young or beautifull. One of my closest friends who lives no where near me told me the secreat was to spend time to take care of myself. Pamper myself with a bubble bath and do up my hair and put on some makeup. And it worked I started to feal better. After a while I sliped back into the depression, so my friend told me to talk to my boyfriend and tell him exactly what was going on. So even though I wasn't sure how to make him understand I desided to talk to him. I told him and I cryed and we talked about what could happen to make things better. I didn't say I was jelouse though I told him I didn't want him to replace me with a younger model lol. He laughed and then told me very sincerely that he loved me and it was fate that brought us togther. So what helped me was I started to try to lose weight, and I also spent a bit of time when I was going to pick him up from work to visit with the girls up there. As I got to know them they all had boyfriends or husbands of their own. I eventually met almost all the bf's and husbands. I will never worry again. I know my boyfriend loves me and I expect after we get to move he will ask me to be his wife. Oh and if you are fealing like he isn't wanting to be close and intimate just start involving yourself in a good book or a videogame cause once your attention is on to something else they want it more lmao. Its funny but it's true :)
I hope that this is sounding as encouraging as I'd hoped, I'm not good sometimes turning thoughts into sentences.
Oh just thought of something else try dying your hair I always feal better when I die my hair I don't even like changing the color but for some reason you feal like a new woman hehehe.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Luvbug0930

Alright, my boyfriend and I have been together for four and half years and totally love each other. I have always been really insecure and have had bouts with depression. He's always been really supportive of me and reassures me that he thinks i'm beautiful and that he loves me for who i am not what I look like. Yet, for our entire relationship I have always been extremely jealous. Its so hard for me when he becomes friends with other girls, talks about other girls, takes other girls out to eat, etc. I know he would never cheat on me and he has never given me any reason to be suspicious. I know he is faithful to me and he is sincere in that the girls are only his friends. This past year I have gained a lot of weight (50 lbs) due to a combination of stress eating and depression and so I don't even find myself remotely attractive. So of course, I have become extremely insecure. This past semester he has been working at a job where he supervises 15 girls, all of whom are beautiful and have wonderful personalities. Part of his job is taking pictures of them and so he comes home and wants to show me his work. Needless to say, it's sooo hard to look at the pictures without feeling threatened, insecure, or like the most worthless person out there.

Let me first note that I am well aware I am jealous and insecure and my jealousy stems from my insecurity, but why is that he has told me how much he loves me, that he thinks i am his soul mate, and he wants to marry me, and yet I still want to cry when he says he went out to lunch with a female friend i see as a threat? I guess I'm afraid he wont want me anymore because of my jealousy and will want to date them... But why can't I accept that he loves me and am just waiting for him to hurt me? (which he is not going to, besides, if he was wouldnt he have done it 4 years ago?)

please help, i need advice.

---

Hi.
I am glad you ackknowledge that your thoughts/actions stem from your own insecurities. It really sounds like you and him have a good thing going, and for the sake of your relationship you must begin to work on your issues ASAP. First and foremost, do not let on to just how insecure you are. I am not saying don't share or don't talk, but just keep the magnitude of it to the boards, friends, family etc. Because, everyone wants to be with someone who is confident in themselves. If you keep questioning yourself, the day will come when he/she will start to question you.
Second: beware of the power of suggestion. By sharing with him your fears of cheating, infidelity, etc. it just may plant something in his head that isn't there. There's a saying where I come from, loosely translated, if you call someone stupid enough times, they'll become stupid.
You have to pull yourself together and try to figure out--for your own benefit--what it is that makes you insecure. At first glance you may think it's as easy as losing the weight you gained, but you and I both know that long after the weight is gone you will remain the way you are. Perhaps speaking to a professional would help? I suggest this only because years ago I sabotaged a very good relationship because of what you are going through right now. I eventually drove him away with my insecurities. The message I was constantly sending was "you're not good enough". You may think he doesn't notice, but it shows. There is a dynamic between two people that is often underestimated.

To answer your question--"but why is that he has told me how much he loves me, that he thinks i am his soul mate, and he wants to marry me, and yet I still want to cry when he says he went out to lunch with a female friend i see as a threat?"--because NOTHING he says will make you feel any different. Only you can make you feel differently.

Hang in there, and best of luck.

The others have made some very good suggestions as to how to deal with you issues. If you need help with being guided through this process, don't be ashamed to ask. You can be happy with a little work.

Really good advice already given.

You know you have a problem, and you know its your problem.

Tell me more about you. Is he your first boyfriend? First serious boyfriend? If you had other relationships were your cheated on? Have you ever felt "pretty enough" or "good enough" for your own standards (who does)?

Answer those questions, but you know you need to work through this. I have known a few people whom I think just couldn't let themselves be happy... always seemed to find a way to wreck the relationship. Its not a way to live.

I am married to a beautiful woman. She works in an industry that is male dominated. She just went overseas for ten days and was the ONLY woman in the international meeting. She gets hit on. Propositioned. She even is a bit of a flirt.

Why do I sleep well at night? I'm telling you, I AM a jealous man. Id hate no problem drawing blood from a guy that I thought was over the line and she could not handle it. But I believe she can handle it. I trust her just enough to outweigh my jealous streak.

So when we are out with friends and she's playing pool and a buddy says "hey look! that guy is touching her arm!" I say "yeah, but the young buck is buying her drinks and shes coming home to me"...

You need to get there to some degree. Understand that he IS with you, no matter whether you think he should be or not. You need to get out of your own way and let yourself be happy.

He seems like he's grounded. A guy being friends with girls is a healthy thing when done right. I've got guy friends, but I've got some women friends as well. Likewise, my wife has some guy friends she could go out all night with and id never give her grief.

And I was cheated on by two other loves. Some might say I should know better. I just think its no way to live... id rather trust and be the "fool" that should have known better...

I know what depression feels like. I have experienced it once, while in a great relationship. It is suffocating. Overwhelming. And you need to find a way through this. Talking to someone who can help is absolutely worth it.

You need to get out of your own way and let yourself enjoy what you have... or, if you really don't want this... if you are with a great person who just isn't for you (and that happens) you need to face that.

Kudos for writing in here for help. It means you aren't all talk.. that you want change. Desire can make us better people. Time for you to expect more for and from yourself.