Ask Me Help Desk - Nothing seems to work

We have a child in the house that doesn't seem to think that rules apply to him (15yr. Old). He doesn't want go to bed at night , or get up in the morning and go to school. We have taken away his computer and other stuff in the past , grounded him the whole gammit. Nothing seems to work. When we lay down the rules he becomes verbally aggressive and has destroyed property. Counslers have told us to let him do what he wants and give him consequences for his behavior , he is on the verge of getting kicked out of school. The counselor says if he gets kicked out school he should get a job. Well we have got him a job in the past and he doesn't want to the meanial things that he should do . What do we do he won't have an edducation or a job. What's next?:confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by hrden

We have a child in the house that doesn't seem to think that rules apply to him (15yr. old). He doesn't want go to bed at night , or get up in the morning and go to school. We have taken away his computer and other stuff in the past , grounded him the whole gammit. Nothing seems to work. When we lay down the rules he becomes verbally aggresive and has destroyed property. Counslers have told us to let him do what he wants and give him consequences for his behavior , he is on the verge of getting kicked out of school. The counselor says if he gets kicked out school he should get a job. Well we have got him a job in the past and he doesn't want to the meanial things that he should do . What do we do he won't have an edducation or a job. Whats next?:confused:

Teenagers are switched biologically to a schedule that's 2 hours later at some point. That's what I read. Mt daughter nearly flunked out of school when she was in her sophomore and junior year. Senior year, she attended a new school (because we moved) and started hanging out with girls who ALWAYS went to school. She changed.

If your son becomes verbally aggressive, he may not be telling you the whole story. Not that he would while you're yelling back and forth anyway, but maybe something is bothering him that he doesn't want to tell you. He knows that he may get kicked out of school, but the reality isn't the same to him as it is to you. He probably has no idea what it is like working a minimum wage job, renting an apartment and trying to eat too.

Parents are told to behave like managers, not friends to their children. I don't agree with this 100%. When my daughter moved in with me at the age of 14, she told me that she couldn't tell her dad stuff. I asked why. "Because he is always punishing me if I tell the truth." When she started missing school, we had many talks. I sat with her while she did the math related to living on her own. She was amazed at how hard it is to have enough. That realization did not help her get to school though. She had to solve the problem herself.

If your son continues his current behavior, your fears are likely to come true. That doesn't make you a bad parent. At some point, kids start thinking for themselves. Sometimes their conclusions are those that will set them back. That doesn't make your son a failure, just temporarily misguided.

Well this may or may not work and it comes with some risk. I did this with my step son when he was 16 and it worked... at least for a little while. I kicked him out of the house. He went here, there and yonder staying with friends and family till he realized no one was going to put up with his BS. He begged his dad to let him come back home and his dad caved a little sooner than he should have. Anyway when he came back home I told him if he was going to stay here he was going to fallow our rules, he was going to take his GED and he was going to work or he was out of here. It was all good till he turned 17 and got a big head because in South Carolina you are considered a legal adult and he knew his mother had a place now so he could live off her and she would put up with him. Of course this is something that should be done as a very last resort when all else fails.

Sounds like you need a better couseler to me, let him get kicked out of school, make him get a job when he won't even go to school, sounds like your couselor is on some level of drugs thierself, not looking at real life.

Sounds like when he destroyed property he should have been held responsible, he sounds like a good canidate for boot camp,

When I was 14 I was on the verge of being kicked out of school. My parents tried the same things, taking away my most valuable items (surfboard, guitar, etc.. ) grounding me all of that. To tell you the truth it was the worst thing they could have possibly done. Firstly they took away my stuff. This made me angrier than ever and I hated them for doing it. This then caused me to do all kinds of things that I would not normaly consider. I stole my stuff back, it stole there possesions, stole money to buy my items back. I did everything that I could think of to get my possesions back. All of this just caused more unecesary problems.
My parents next move was to ground me. This made me angry to the point that I rebeled against it. I just left the house, there was nothing they could say or do that was going to stop me. I would just be gone all day and all night. I would like to point out that this is not something I would have done normaly, I only did it to show my parents they could not control me. Anyway being out this late at night caused me to meet new people that where into some bad s*** (drugs, alcohol, sex, you name it they did it). My new "friends" got me into all kinds of trouble causing even more problems at home.

There is always a initial cause for any problem. For me it was the school itself, I hated it there, I hated every single thing about it. I was never able to explain this to my parents for a two reasons:

1. They always got incredibally angry when they spoke to me. The talks always took place in a highly confrontational manner. Of course basic instincs made me stand up for myself, so I too got angry and yelled back at them. At the end of all this nothing was never achieved, if anything it just made more problems.
2. They did not want to hear about the problem. Honestly they had no interest in the fact that I was not happy at that school. There only concern was that I was not trying hard enough, I was going to fail in life and that then they would have more problems later on. If they had listened to me straight up and accepted the fact I was not happy, arrangements could have been made to sort everything out.

In the end my parents realized that there tactics where not working and took a less harsh aproach. They talked to me in a non-confrontational way where they did not get angry, blame me of anything or raise there voices. Initially this did not work. I was so used to being self protective that I yelled and got angry with them. It normally ended with me running off. However after about a week of this I came to realise that they where no longer being difficult and where prepared to listen to me. They came to realise that I was truly unhapy at the school (this was caused by depression). If this had been done sooner everything could have turned out OK. Unfortuantly this was all done too late. Two days later I was expelled. I was enrolled in a new school and everything turned out OK.

In the end I cleaned my act right up on my own. I stopped stealing as my parents gave my stuff back. They where no longer grounding me, so over time I no longer wanted to go out all night and day. I gradually stopped contact with the "new friends" I had made because I honestly was only hanging around with them because I knew my parents hated it. And I stopped using serious drugs because it was affecting my surfing.

Now while a lot off people may not agree with what I am about to say, BUT from my OWN PERSONAL Experience here is my advice to you:

1. You have to talk with him about school. If he is being verbally aggressive then you will probably find that you are too. Talk with him in a non-confrontational way (don't yell, don't get angry, don't tell him how his life will be wrecked if he gets expelled, and so on) . There may be a reason behind all this, try and find it. If there is, great fix it asap
2. Don't take his stuff away. In the end what good does it achieve? It will only increase the tension between you.
3. Don't ground him. This can lead to far far worse consiquences.
4. Don't nag him. He is 15, he can make most choices by himself. For example with the not going to sleep on time. Lets say you want him to go to sleep at 10:00pm. You are constantly telling him to get to sleep. He may be very tired at 9:30 but to prove you can't control him, he won't go to sleep until 11:00. However if you had said nothing to him, shure the first night he may stay up to 11:00, expecting you to tell him to go to sleep. He may even do the same for the next few nights. Although eventually he will get to a point where he is genuinly tired and he goes to sleep at say 9:30. Eventually he just go to sleep when he gets tired. This time may not always be to your liking, but it will stop pointless conflict.
5. If he doesn't get up in the morning let him sleep. When he goes to school late he will get in trouble from the school. Keep doing this. Eventually he will get up because he does not want to get in trouble anymore. Remember no one likes getting in trouble.
6. As far as getting a job goes, let him choose one that he likes. It is difficult to do well in a area you dislike. If he is interested in what he is doing then he will preform much better. However with that said do not force him to get a job if he does not want to. Instead do not give him any money. Tell him if he wants money he has to work for it. Eventually he will need the money bad enough to start working.
7. If he does get expelled, do not show that you are angry. Instead show you are very dissapointed.
8. If he gets expelled I would suggest moving him to a new school before you try putting him into work. It worked for me as it worked for others I no.

Good luck