Ask Me Help Desk - She says she loves me and will always love me but needs time?

Hi all - first time user on this. I have read many comments and found them very useful, but I thought my situation was maybe different and would like your wise advice!

My girlfriend and I had been going out for nearly 4 years (I am 25 now, she is 23). The whole relationship she has been asking me when are we going to get married, looking at engagement rings in shop windows etc. She tells me she loves me all the time... in fact sometimes I had to tell her to stop saying it so much. As far as I was concerned we were happy and I thought we would spend the rest of my life with her. I have become fairly obsessed with work recently, and we don’t go out much anymore (well I don’t – she did start to go out more).
Anyway, 2 weeks ago she says that she is not sure about us any more, that she is not sure how she feels and that she thinks she doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. She said she feels we don’t get on like we used to (which I thought we did) and that she is no longer happy like she used to be. She said things have been getting worse for the last year (she has not said anything to me before, that I can recall). But she said she is still 'in love' with me and thinks she will always love me and still fancies me... I was in complete disbelief and told her I had no idea what she meant. She says she doesn’t know what she wants just that she needs time and is confused.. I asked her straight out do you want to end things and she said yes. But then I said what about if she has some space to see how she feels in a few weeks – she said she was going to suggest this but didn’t want to go through the whole break up thing again if she felt the same way (I have never been more gutted about anything in my life). So I agreed to give her space and see how she felt in a few weeks.
I was completely shocked because she had not mentioned any of this before, and just a few weeks before she was talking about marriage still! She has started to go out quite a lot more with this group of people in the last month and has a new girly friend person who she can confide in. But she would never cheat on me, I am certain of this - and I asked her just in case and she said she was not interested in other blokes and that she is just confused at the moment and stuff.
So the last 2 weeks have been complete hell - to go from being the main part of her life to not even featuring in it. I contact her through either text, email or tell her to phone me maybe once every 3 days too see how she is doing. But I always initiate contact, and she is slow to respond. We spoke for the first time since the ‘split’ and I tried to keep things as friends, keeping with light conversation and stuff and it was nice to talk to her. I asked her if she wanted to go for a meal to our old favourite restaurant and she agreed – I asked are we going as boyfriend/girlfriend, as friends, or take is as it comes. She said to take it as it comes. I am really really confused! Her emails/txt messages are all very friendly written, no hint of romance or wanting to come back to me – when I emailed her saying ‘thanks for speaking to me last night – it really made my day’, she didn’t even mention anything about it just spoke about her day and what I/she was up too.
My questions: 1 . What the hell is going on? (why is she saying she is still in love with me and always will and then say she is not sure about us)
2. What should I expect from this meal? ( I was thinking of treating it like a date – and wooing her like the old days)
3. Any more advice will be great

She is obviously confused about what she really wants. That being the case, don't expect things to go anywhere anytime soon. I wouldn't treat the meal as a "date". Just take it as an opportunity for some light-hearted conversation and leave it at that. Actually, since she's so wishy-washy to go from "when are we getting married" and constantly looking at engagement rings to not being sure how she feels you really don't want to get too serious with her anyhow.

She asked for a break, give it to her. Don't call or text and don't treat the dinner like a date.
You two have been together 4 years so you are a big part of her life. You said yourself that the number of times she says she loves you bothers you and you have been a bit obsessed with work. I would imagine all talk of marriage is started by her and you're probably fine without it
I am thinking she is maybe questioning if there is a future with you and could be a bit let down with how things are going.
She may love you, but needs to be away from you.
Leave her alone.

Thanks for the response - I don't understand what it means to be in love with someone, but needs to be away from them. Her understanding of love and mine must be completely different - does she actually love me? It makes no sense.

Also another thing - she has not changed her Facebook yet from 'in a relationship with me' does this mean anything? Should I read anything into this. I was thinking OK when she changes this she is moving on - is this true? I know she logs on every day and one of her new new blokey friends who was also in a relationship for 4years plus has changed his Facebook to single 'looking for a relationship'. She has not yet done this - does that mean there is hope? A lot of what I have read all points to this is just an easy way for her to let me down, and that she is coming out with me for dinner because she feels she owes me something. I don't know what to think please help!

I have to put in my 2 cents.
I've been there done that.

My ex and I were very similar, where after 3 years we split.

I won't bore you with my story, but I will tell you this...

I should have left her alone from the start.
I should have stood up for myself, and put myself first.
I should have done things I wanted to do, a lot earlier.

BUT, I had to learn this for myself.

Its really very hard. I know. Especially after so long. But you have to accept it for what it is, she doesn't want to be with you right now. Once you have accepted this, it gets easier.

And yes, 2 people can be in love with each other but not be together.
Not long ago, she sent me a txt saying she still loves me. I haven't replied.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wot2do

Also another thing - she has not changed her facebook yet from 'in a relationship with me' does this mean anything? should i read anything into this. I was thinking ok when she changes this she is moving on - is this true? I know she logs on every day and one of her new new blokey friends who was also in a relationship for 4years plus has changed his facebook to single 'looking for a relationship'. She has not yet done this - does that mean there is hope? A lot of what i have read all points to this is just an easy way for her to let me down, and that she is comming out with me for dinner because she feels she owes me something. I dont know what to think please help!

Don't read into things too much.

My ex straight out told me, she had trouble changing her myspace to single as she found it hard to let go.

4 years is a long time to be with someone, it's hard for her also. As she says she still loves you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wot2do

Thanks for the response - I dont understand what it means to be in love with someone, but needs to be away from them. Her understanding of love and mine must be completely different - does she actually love me? It makes no sense.

A person can be in a relationship that has no future. They are in love with that person, but the relationsip is not a good one, they need to be away.
A woman can be in love with a married man, but needs to be away from him.
A woman can be in love with a man who cannot give her what she needs, she needs to be away from him.
It goes for men as well.
On this site you see a lot of men who are in love with women who are just not good for them. They need to be away from them.

I think your confused because you like the way things are and don't feel the need for change, while she after 4 years is looking down the road and sees the things she wants, marriage and children and life as a family. Your on different pages right now, so there can only be conflict unless you work together to resolve this issue. Are you so totallyagainst marrying this woman? Why have you ignored this issue, and obsessed with work is a lousy excuse.

I just had dinner with my ex last night - I took her to our favourite restaurant, got them to put candles on the table and booked our special place. We had a really good time and I didn’t bring up the relationship at all. Just got on - which was nice. Anyway after the meal she asked if I wanted to come back to her place to watch some dvd so I did. The whole time in the restaurant though her body language was suggesting she didn’t want to get back together, no trying to hug me or touch me, anything like that. So I was wary and kind of saw where this was going but agreed to go back to her place, if nothing else to sort this out.
So we sat down, and she sat down very close next to me and I wanted so much just to hold her and kiss her. She kept asking if I was OK because I obviously looked uncomfortable and in the end I said I was wandering what she was thinking. She said she has missed me so much the last few weeks and cried every day, not been eating and generally feeling ill, been looking at photos of me, wearing and smelling my cloths I left at her place. But she said she still needed more time and can’t get back together with me yet and she said she should not have asked me out that evening and that it was selfish of her but she just needed to see me because she missed me so much. I said I wanted to see her too and I missed her loads and was glad she did but also that I don't want to force her to come back to me but that I can't wait around forever and put my life on hold thinking that she may one day come back to me because the last few weeks have been hell. She kept saying she keeps thinking of all the little things that I used to do that she interpreted as me not caring for her, and if I truly loved her then I wouldn't do these things that made her unhappy – it sounds like they have built up and up and she has just burst. I said I had no idea how unhappy they made her – I know there were times when she would say ‘that makes me unhappy don’t do that’ but I interpreted this as, ‘Ah she's just saying that she's not really unhappy or she would get more angry and say it again and again’. She said I never used to do this when we first started going out, and I just said its because we been going out for so long, and I’ve been distracted but it will never happen again. I said that over the last few weeks I've realised about all these things I do (basically I'm a crap listener) and I feel its something I can put right - that if we want to give things another go we both have to work at it. However, I said I can’t change the way she feels right now, and said she needs to forget/forgive me for these things in the past if we are to make a new go of things.
Once we had this little chat, we went up to her room and cuddled and I asked her why she didn’t want to kiss me and she said she really did want to but thought it was selfish of her. I told her that all I want more than anything in the world is for her to be happy and how sorry I was that I’d forced her into doing this. I told her I think the only way through this (thanks to reading lots of stuff on this forums) is to go total no contact, and I would not contact her. She got very upset about this but said she understands and I must do what is best for me. She feels so guilty about the whole thing and I really don’t want her to because I feel it’s mostly my fault for just not listening and showing her how much I care – although she is not great at communication, she thinks I should just know when she is upset etc without her saying. She said she knows I love her, and she said she loves me so many times last night and every time she said it I just wanted to cry. I told her I've been through hell the last few weeks too and I can't put myself through it any more, I told her this will be the last time I see her probably for quite some time – that I can’t be a friend to her because I love her and think she is the one and want more than that. I told her I am going to get on with my life, join the gym, go out with friends and carry on in life and she should do the same. I told her if we are meant to be we will be. It was so hard, she asked if she could have my jumper I was wearing to remind her of my smell and I gave it to her because I am hoping it will remind her of me and she will be able to forget stuff before and we can start again.
It is going to be so hard not talking to her but after reading advice from other pages I believe it is the only thing that will stop me going insane. I have to act like its over, and that we may never get back together, although secretly I am preying one day we will.
Btw Telaniman, I really don’t think it has anything to do with the marriage stuff, I asked her about this before she said it was just her insecureities and she is very insecure! I told her that I would marry her in a heartbeat – so I don’t think this is an issue. I really don’t know how she is truly feeling, I just know she does’nt want to feel unhappy like she did for quite some time in the past and she felt I basically ignored her unhappiness ( I didn’t even know she was unhappy god dammit!). I hope so much she does not meet anyone else but know that she will do probably in the next few months – I just hope I don’t hear anything about it. She said can she e-mail me and also would I like her to send some pictures of us (I asked her last week if she could because I don’t have many of us) I said it’s probably a bad idea. I asked her not to contact me but if she can't take it anymore to call me and that I won't ignore her. I really hope I am doing the right thing here because it's the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.

What in the world do you do that makes her that unhappy?

Just little things it sounds like- like playing on the computer when she is trying to sleep when she asked me not. Or not listening to her when she rings. Or Not coming over to her in the mornings when she wakes up to give her a kiss. If we are out with friends I won't always put her first. Other than that to be honest I really don't know - maybe I should have asked her for more things last night. I don't know, maybe there are other things - but I have never cheated on her or gone out my way to make her unhappy. I don't really understand it still.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wot2do

I told her i think the only way through this (thanks to reading lots of stuff on this forums) is to go total no contact, and i would not contact her.

If this is what you've chosen to do, make sure you stick to it. It will be hard, don't give in to temptation of contacting her. And don't put a time limit on it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wot2do

I told her i am going to get on with my life, join the gym, go out with friends and carry on in life and she should do the same.

Do it!! And again, stick to it! I've made new friends, lost 5kg, bought a new car, got a new job and am moving into a new house. Do anything and everything YOU want to.

TIME is your friend. But don't sit around waiting. Find something to make the time pass more quick, and have fun doing it.

Hope things work out for you.

I really do not have any advice for you since I am in a relationship that almost ended a few days ago. I'm still not sure the relationship is the way it was before. But I just wanted to say to keep your head up, you may feel like you're the only one going through this hardship but there are many others going through it too, you're not alone.
Hope everything works out.

Lack of honest communication, may be at the root of your problems. You both seem to have trouble expressing your feelings.

I think you are right guys, but as far as she is concerned there is too much water under the bridge at the moment. As far as I see it, the reason she and anyone splits up with anyone, is because ultimately they see themselves being happier with someone else. I don't know if this is true or it is just because I hate rejection but I am having a hard time accepting she loves me as much as I love her since she split us up and caused us all this pain. I will not get bitter about this and I do feel I can move on with my life I just wish I had a greater understanding.

Read the links in my signature, and let me know if it helps with the understanding.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wot2do

Hi all - first time user on this. I have read many comments and found them very useful, but I thought my situation was maybe differnt and would like your wise advice!

My girlfriend and I had been going out for nearly 4 years (i am 25 now, she is 23). The whole relationship she has been asking me when are we going to get married, looking at engagement rings in shop windows etc. She tells me she loves me all the time...in fact sometimes i had to tell her to stop saying it so much. As far as i was concerned we were happy and i thought we would spend the rest of my life with her. I have become fairly obsessed with work recently, and we don’t go out much anymore (well i don’t – she did start to go out more).
Anyway, 2 weeks ago she says that she is not sure about us any more, that she is not sure how she feels and that she thinks she doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore. She said she feels we don’t get on like we used to (which i thought we did) and that she is no longer happy like she used to be. She said things have been getting worse for the last year (she has not said anything to me before, that i can recall). But she said she is still 'in love' with me and thinks she will always love me and still fancies me...I was in complete disbelief and told her I had no idea what she meant. She says she doesn’t know what she wants just that she needs time and is confused..I asked her straight out do you want to end things and she said yes. But then i said what about if she has some space to see how she feels in a few weeks – she said she was going to suggest this but didn’t want to go through the whole break up thing again if she felt the same way (i have never been more gutted about anything in my life). So I agreed to give her space and see how she felt in a few weeks.
I was completely shocked because she had not mentioned any of this before, and just a few weeks b4 she was talking about marriage still! She has started to go out quite a lot more with this group of people in the last month and has a new girly friend person who she can confide in. But she would never cheat on me, i am certain of this - and i asked her just in case and she said she was not interested in other blokes and that she is just confused at the moment and stuff.
So the last 2 weeks have been complete hell - to go from being the main part of her life to not even featuring in it. I contact her through either txt, email or tell her to phone me maybe once every 3 days too see how she is doing. But i always initiate contact, and she is slow to respond. We spoke for the first time since the ‘split’ and i tried to keep things as friends, keeping with light conversation and stuff and it was nice to talk to her. I asked her if she wanted to go for a meal to our old favourite restaurant and she agreed – i asked are we going as boyfriend/girlfriend, as friends, or take is as it comes. She said to take it as it comes. I am really really confused! Her emails/txt msgs are all very friendly written, no hint of romance or wanting to come back to me – when i emailed her saying ‘thanks for speaking to me last night – it really made my day’, she didn’t even mention anything about it just spoke about her day and what i/she was up too.
My questions: 1 . What the hell is going on? (why is she saying she is still in love with me and always will and then say she is not sure about us)
2. What should i expect from this meal? ( i was thinking of treating it like a date – and wooing her like the old days)
3. Any more advice will be great

Yeah that what my boyfriend tells me and I want him to come back but I don't know if he will your a guy what do you think is going through his mind we have almost been dating for a year and we were very close do you still think he loves me but one thing is getting between our relationship he drinks a lot and smokes pot and chew and I hate that please help me repley back..

Dude,

Your story sounds extremely similar to mine. My ex girlfriend and I were in a serious relationship for 4 years. I am also 25 and my ex girlfriend turned 24 about a month and a half ago. We had both agreed that marriage was not a good idea for us right now, but we did just get back from her friend's wedding right before she dumped me. Anyway, she gave me all the same reasons - needing space, needing to find herself, unsure of what she wants in life right now, etc. etc. You should really read my post because I am 3 months into all of this, and it is probably a good indication of the direction things will be heading for you as well. I'm sure you can find it by clicking my name. Be warned, however, as it is long and detailed.

But I'll tell you - the mindset you have now, about leaving her alone and getting out and improving yourself by going to the gym, hanging out with your friends, working on your job and pretty much just not contacting her is EXACTLY what you need to do. It took me like 3 months to figure this out man, even after every person on this site told me to go out and do this like 1000 times. It's weird though, because leaving this girl alone and not talking to her feels like exactly opposite of what you think you should do, but IT'S NOT!! I know it hurts, and I know it feels like you might be hurting her by doing this, but doing what you have decided to do is a win win situation.

Here's why: if you want to have a shot at getting back with your ex, then you have to step up and do your own thing, and just leave her alone. You have to just act like you two are not getting back together. Don't try and contact her, because she asked for some space. Let her contact you, and if she does, you can talk if it doesn't hurt too much, but DON'T let this get your hopes up about getting back together. If you do talk, don't bring up the relationship unless SHE wants to talk about it and keep the convos short, as if you have something else to do. Doing this will do two things: 1) help you move on with your life and start breaking the cycle of thinking about her all the time, and 2) make her wonder why you are so busy and what you are doing.

Next, Put yourself first and be the person you are when you aren't so concerned about pleasing someone else. After all, this is the person she WAS attracted to in the first place. Whatever you do, don't sit around and wait for her to make a decision about whether to get back together. It will drive you absolutely nuts because it will always be in your head, and you will never make any progress. Once your ex sees that you don't need her to live your life and that you are getting on fine without her, her feelings for you may be rekindled. Chicks want a strong man, you know? Someone that can stand on their own and who isn't entirely dependent on someone else.

It is possible that if you do this now, she may want to get back with you, but this is a slim chance. BUT, if for any reason she doesn't come around and just moves on you will be much better off because you will be that much farther into working on yourself and not worrying about her.

Good luck man!

Now, if I could only follow my own advice...

Thanks for the advice confused - what you say makes sense. What worries me is "putting myself first" - because this is the reason she broke up with me I think. I always did what I wanted to do and her happiness was in some respects 2nd to mine although I don't think I intentionly thought about it like that at a the time. Anyway, it is out my hands now, like you say the only thing I can do is act like we are not getting back together.