Originally Posted by mseik
The biggest challenge for me, and subsequently for many of my clients, was to step outside of the warm and comfy whirlpool of the victim/martyr mindset. That takes nads and a commitment to standing naked before yourself and taking responsibility for the good, the bad, and the ugly and learning how to love yourself--and others--unconditionally. It may take a lifetime (or more), but it's a worthy quest!
These are just my thoughts based on my own observations, thoughts, and experience with myself and subsequently with clients.
The victim/martyr paradigm is extremely difficult to move through and beyond, but certainly not impossible. It appears to be a phenomenally safe place--one where people reach out to protect you, to admire you for carrying your burden, to lead with your wounds. It is a cloaked way of not taking responsibility. And it's a never-ending sinkhole. There is a facade to uphold, and the victim/martyr will defend that facade with their very being, albeit passive-aggressively, and sometimes cruelly (although the target of their cruelty will never be believed... after all, the victim/martyr is so selfless...).
And, the victim/martyr is also often the partner of the active addict. The scenario provides endless fuel for their facade. It is a veritable Fort Knox of fuel, and they can rest assured they will likely never be mistaken for the bad guy. After all, they're tolerating and caring for a selfish, thoughtless, sometimes cruel addict. They are almost up for Sainthood!
Taking responsibility is impossible to separate from blame, guilt, and shame if you haven't learned to love others, and yourself, unconditionally. Not one of us is perfect (thank God!), and making mistakes is a gloriously invaluable part of the human condition.
But when we're in victim mode, it's almost impossible to cleanly accept responsibility for our actions. It is always (in our defensive mind) because of a wound, or someone else's perceived victimization of us, that these things occur. That we engage in addictive behavior. That we are poor. That we engage in hurtful relationships. That we are sick. That... that... that...
...and we can't grow from that place. We get stuck in it. We sink into it like an old couch that's lost its spring. Comfy but completely unsupportive.
The victim/martyr paradigm requires that we engage in lying on different levels, but mostly to ourselves. It allows us to not look deeply into our own shadows, to not examine our own psyche, to not open an unguarded dialogue with ourselves.
I was very lucky to learn this lesson (and embark on a lifetime of learning and growing) very shortly after I stopped engaging in self-destructive and addictive behavior almost 28 years ago. Most people, addicts or not, never get there. Many people do some work and guard the "I'm done, fixed, whole" paradigm with the defensive strength of a linebacker. And they stop the real growth process there. We're never done. Well, we are--we think-- when we die! Sometimes it's scary as h*ll and I guarantee you we're never actually finished with the work.
And I laugh--well and hard--every day. I take joy in every day, difficult or not. Sad or not. Raw or not. I try to learn from my bad days, recognize the ebb and flow of it all, not take myself too seriously (and when I do, hilarity usually follows in some form or another), and realize I'm a messy little critter among billions of messy little critters on this planet, and we're all in the same sandbox. And I try to share my pail and shovel as often as I can.
