Does the no contact after a break up really help to get her back? What if all she wants is to be friends and I put the no contact on her because I don't want to be friends. I've told her and she still calls and texts about 20 times a day, I don't respond. She insists that we be friends, will not take no as a answer, but I'm moving on. Any help

NC has nothing to do with getting her back.

Its intent is to put you on a healthy track... that is, not being her girlfriend, her butler... not being her buddy while she's getting over you. Its not your job. You are not her designated shoulder.

And the idea is that if she actually does come back, it might be for the right reason... she missed you cause you were not there. Your presence was gone. The connection was severed and she knows it was a mistake.

The other warning is that a person can come back to you cause they miss the security, but still don't need you any more than when they left you. Just cause they come back doesn't mean its fixed. You also need to figure out what caused things to fall apart and how or why would it be different this time.

So stop thinking NC is ever about getting them back. Its about getting yourself back, no matter the outcome. She is gone. Period. NC or no NC. The purpose of NC is to keep you from making the common, dumb mistake of thinking "being there" for her is what you need to do to get her back. That only helps her transition through the break.

So you need to let her feel what it is like to be without you. If that's not enough for her to want to be with you, then she's gone. And its better to face reality, no matter how it hurts, than to pretend something is there when it isn't.

In a case like this, you need to act and think like she is gone. You know she's out there, im'ing you to death. But emotionally she has cut the ties. Now she wants you to make her feel good cause she doesn't want to hurt by missing the security.

Isn't that a little twisted? She's im'ing and wants to be friends cause she doesn't want to feel bad... want to know whatll probably drive her mad? Seeing you move on.

Its sick and twisted, but I've done it before myself... we all want our ex's to pine for us a bit... we all want them to be thinking about us and wondering if they made a mistake. And she might be im'ing you for those reasons too... she wants to know you aren't moving on and she wants to know that you are still wanting her. It's a normal reaction... I've felt it about my ex's, but it shows just how her im'ing isn't necessarily about you at all.

So time to try to move on without her... if she is going to come back, she's going to need to do some work... she's going to have to chase you a bit. This isn't about head games, its about the truth. She's got some work to do before you can believe she needs you in her heart. If she's not willing to face this, then she doesn't want it that badly.

So you can't wait around for her to maybe come back and maybe not. You do need to start to cut the ties yourself and to move on like you are without her... cause you are. NC will keep you from making some dumb, common mistakes. It won't keep her from coming back for all the right reasons.

I left her because she would only give 30% in the relationship. She would admit it and said if I don't like it then leave. So I left. Now she wants to be friends, you see I took this for 3 yrs and never left and she knew I wouldn't. Now I have and don't reply she doesn't know what to think. You are right, this nc is helping me move on and see what ti went through. She's the kind that's always right, no one dumps her, blah, blah, blah... her last email was I WILL BE HER FRIEND AND That's FINAL. Still thinks she has me. I do feel so much better not replying.

She sounds obsessed, but stay on your path, and keep NC. Eventually she will get it. Often when we break up, all the things we were blind to come into focus. Your doing great, keep it up.

No contact is not a tool for getting someone back. It is a tool for you to heal and move on with your life. Sometimes it can "work" in the regard of "getting someone back" or at least increasing their interest level. By maintaining no contact you give off the message that you're not needy or desperate and that you're unavailable. This enables the other person to maybe miss you a little and wonder about just what they lost. Remember, people generally want what they can't have. By maintaining no contact the other person realizes that she can't have you, as a "friend" or otherwise. If she calls or texts you don't accept them and certainly don't reply. If she gets to be a real annoyance you may need to change your number and/or screen name. Then, if you decide you want to give it another go, you simply tell her that friends is out of the question and that if you're going to do it, you do it all the way. A show of decisiveness and independence on your part will go a long way in making you all the more attractive to her, provided that you don't give off an impression of neediness.

Hard to gauge this. If you said shed only give 30%, but you were together for 3 or 6 months, id say you were rushing things. You've been together for a few years...

That's more than enough time to get a feel for how much she is on par with you. I dated a girl who was in college when id been out for a few years. We started dating with my knowing that she wasn't necessarily looking for a long term thing... but I was willing to try it out.

Well... in the end, we had a great 2+ years, but she was no closer to wanting to be "tied down" than before, even though she loved me and she loved being with me. She had some unique opportunities in front of her and didn't want to be tied down. I respected that, but I also knew when to move on.

In your case, I don't know all the details. Don't know if she has commitment issue. Don't know if she just doesn't need a ring to be happy (not that you need to be working toward that). Don't know if she just likes to keep people at a distance to be in control. etc. blah blah blah.

I am friends with only one of my ex's... and wed dated a long, long time back. Clean break. No cheating or crushed feelings. Another ex I think I could be friends with today is too far away and we just don't make the effort... the rest of the ex's... don't know, don't care.

If you are ever to be friends you know it's a long way down the line... like when you've moved on, she's moved on, and any hard feelings are just a part of ancient history. Demanding that you'll be friends sounds like she just needs to have control.

She doesn't get that choice (that you WILL be friends)... its arrogant to think that you can demand someone like them.

Oh well... anyway. It'll all work out, however it does. Maybe she realizes what's she's done is a mistake and she jumps full in. maybe she just gets her panties in a know cause you won't be there for her bidding.

When you're feeling like crap feel free to turn it a little into anger. Getting pi$$ed at my ex when I started feeling bad did a world of good. Yes, you need to lose the baggage at some point, but sometimes you need to kick it around the room until it gets boring.

I suggest that your final step in letting her go for good is to block her from emails, text, everything. She dose sound obsessed as talaniman said. Something is holding her back form letting you go and what ever it is it would seem that it is you that is going to have to cut the string for her, for your well being as well as hers.

Aw crap... stonewilder... hit the return button before I finished. Meant to say

It takes a "pair" to block her calls or im's, but it's a good way to show her that you mean business. Good suggestion. Not to mention it'll drive her mad. Bonus.

Forget that she's your ex... if my beloved boyfriend ( not that I have one but if I did) texts me 20 times a day I'd block his annoying a**!