Ask Me Help Desk - Is this abuse .

... or is this how most men really are?

First, a little about myself:
I have 3 sisters, 2 of them lie like dogs, therefore, I can spot a lie/liar a mile away. I'm no angel, but I will be honest with you 99% of the time (I won't hurt your feelings, for instance).

My husband:
Before we married, I told him how much honesty & integrity meant to me. He agreed.

For some reason, in the last 3 or 4 years or so, he doesn't mind lying about the simplest things. And it bugs the you-know-what out of me.

For example, I'll ask him if he's picked up the dog poop from the back yard. He'll say "yes." I'll go out back to turn the water on & I can see that he has NOT picked it up. Or I'll ask if he's checked the fluids in the cars. Again, he'll say "yes" when he hasn't. Or, he'll "borrow" something from me, like something from the house tool box (he's got tools outside in the shed). When I go to look for it and can't find it, he'll lie & say he DID return it. I could go on & on. The result is more work for me.

He will say anything... ANYTHING... that will make his life easier for the time being; so he won't have to do a certain chore at that moment. But what it DOES do is make my respect for him dwindle. I feel like I'm dealing with an 8 year old lately. He promises he won't lie anymore, but he does.

I thought a marriage was supposed to be built on trust & working side by side. Not feeling frustrated all the time.

Or am I being too touchy?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moynecan

...or is this how most men really are?

First, a little about myself:
I have 3 sisters, 2 of them lie like dogs, therefore, I can spot a lie/liar a mile away. I'm no angel, but I will be honest with you 99% of the time (I won't hurt your feelings, for instance).

My husband:
Before we married, I told him how much honesty & integrity meant to me. He agreed.

For some reason, in the last 3 or 4 years or so, he doesn't mind lying about the simplest things. And it bugs the you-know-what out of me.

For example, I'll ask him if he's picked up the dog poop from the back yard. He'll say "yes." I'll go out back to turn the water on & I can see that he has NOT picked it up. Or I'll ask if he's checked the fluids in the cars. Again, he'll say "yes" when he hasn't. Or, he'll "borrow" something from me, like something from the house tool box (he's got tools outside in the shed). When I go to look for it and can't find it, he'll lie & say he DID return it. I could go on & on. The end result is more work for me.

He will say anything ... ANYTHING ... that will make his life easier for the time being; so he won't have to do a certain chore at that moment. But what it DOES do is make my respect for him dwindle. I feel like I'm dealing with an 8 year old lately. He promises he won't lie anymore, but he does.

I thought a marraige was supposed to be built on trust & working side by side. Not feeling frustrated all the time.

Or am I being too touchy?

Hi Moynecan,

That does sound like you're dealing with a little boy, not a man. If you've put up with it for the past 3-4 years, I don't think you're being touchy. You are doing more than him, and he's lying so he can fool around as much as possible. Well, that's a kid for you. Some women I know keep right on wiping their husband's butt. Three that I know of are in their seventies. The men don't always lie, but there is a type of "dance" they all do. They know what will push the wife's buttons. They seem to know exactly what to do to avoid just about any chore.

The sad thing is that although you or I might see most of the behavior as disrespect, the women have said things to me like, "oh, but I love Jon!" Or, "I know he sounds mean when he yells at me, but he doesn't mean it," Oh, he'll do anything I ask him to!" She doesn't ask though because he's tired, or he would probably start yelling or her faults would be laid bare at the dinner table by him (but that's her fault too).

It's both childish and RUDE and disrespectful. A wife is not a servant. Neither is a husband for that matter. There are women who pull the same stuff on their mates. The question is, how do you short-circuit the crap and get some respect? Make him accountable. If you see dog doo when you go to turn on the water; go get him and ask why he missed it? If you find your tool missing, demand that he buy you a new one (or find the old one), right away, within the hour. Have a friend come to check the fluid levels in the cars. Make sure he understands why the friend is helping you... to make sure you can do it yourself.

Long ago, I got tired of doing laundry for my ungrateful guy. I stopped washing his, I just did mine and the baby's. My therapist actually suggested it; when she got married, it was with the understanding that she did not expect him to wash her clothes. Unfortunately, my husband and I were the same size and he began wearing my jeans, t-shirts and socks. So I resumed doing his laundry but asked my mom to come over to help me with it. She was extremely vocal and wanted to know why he didn't wash, fold and put away his own clothes? Then, I took a break from his laundry again and he actually did know how! Laundry was one of very few battles I won. I eventually left him for someone more androgynous.

You know he lies. He knows he lies. Let him know loud and clear that you are not able to, at this point believe all of what he says. Tell him what you expect from him, and let him know that there will be consequences if you do not get what you expect. Uphold the consequences! Don't let him intimidate you or lie his way out of his own mess. And, you are such a ? No way! Please don't wipe his hairy butt on up into your seventies. A marriage is generally considered a contract between two consenting adults. Ask that he behaves like the other adult in your marriage.
Simone

Thank you so much for the validation!

There are times when I tell him, "I am not your mother, I am not your sister, I am not your babysitter, I am your wife!" He gives me the usual, "I know, I know," and then he's a resposonsible adult for the rest of the day. Then, it's back to the same crap.

What's really getting to me is that, now, when he apologizes, I don't/can't believe him. No matter what he utters, I no longer believe a word he says. I tell him I've heard it all before and then I feel like I'm being mean to him (why do women always feel bad ?). I no longer feel secure in the way a married couple should feel with each other. He, however, can feel confident with whatever he tells or asks me; he's going to get a straight answer.

I'm sure it would take a complete disaster of some kind to get him to stop the lying. I wish I knew what it was. I know we'd get along WAYY better if I could trust his word.

Well of course not putting up for someone lying, but often not wanting to hear a lot of fuss men will say what they think the wife wants to hear, esp if there has been a lot of fuss about not doing something.

For example, if he did not pick the poop up, and he said no, if you went off on him, he would think, I am going to get fussed out if I say no, if I say yes, she may not notice, so it is easier for me to say yes and hope she does not see.

I know I had wife before that wanted to treat me like she was my mother, and tell me everything I had to do and make my life hell if it was not done that way. While I would not do what your husband is, looking back it would have made life a lot easier if I had.

So with that, most likely there is a good story on his side why he is doing this.

At this point your issues and I am sure his issues which is causing this, needs to come out and be worked with. Marriage counseling can and would be helpful in getting to the problems on this

Oh... after some of our larger disagreements, the words "marraige counseling" has been thrown out there. I wouldn't mind it, but our schedules are so conflicting... he works days & I work graveyards.

I am of the mind to state(unfortunately as a male in this situation) that you are being too critical of him.

I look inward to see what is bothering me about another's actions before pressing them to conform to my way of thinking, IF I am correct, I will pursue the need to change them.

Are you SURE your justified in your judgments of what/who he is, or is there something else to this issue?You mentioned honesty, check that area first(not his, yours)Hyperhonesty is an issue as well as dishonesty.

Rate as you see fit.

KBC

I am constantly checking myself, to make sure I'm not being too critical. Hence, the feelings of guilt.

Is there a good reason/excuse to lie all the time?

No... most men are not like that.

Do we sometimes brush things off, drop the ball? Yep.

But blatant lying about it over and over isn't OK.

The answer about lying and clear consequences seems to make sense... when dealing with someone acting like a child, you probably need to condition him like a child until he gets a clue. The not doing laundry thing is a nice little ex... though you also worry about it becoming a battle of who can do what to whom...

You know the real answer is to understand why he's doing it and what would change that behavior. Obviously your simple disappointment isn't working. Getting into guys head isn't easy, even if you are The Guy.

I had a dumb little stretch when my wife would ask me to do something like make a doc appt, dentist appt, etc... id say I would... then I wouldn't... shed ask... id tell her the truth (I didnt)... shed wait... ask again... repeat. Don't know why I did that... I'm not usually like that... and in retrospect it was really unfair to her... she didn't need to have to deal with that. At some point I guess I decided it was boring and unfair to her and I stopped... but I was in some dumb mental holding pattern and she suffered for it.

You know... come to think of it... I said I wasn't "like that"... but maybe sometimes I was. In college I always thrived on doing work last second. Just had a talent for pulling out a miracle just when it seemed I was doomed. And even later when I taught, I was better at getting focused and done when I had a pile of stuff to do instead of piecing at it a little at a time.

My wife is definitely the opposite... she's good at task management and fighting little fires before they get big.

So maybe delaying her requests for apptmts and other things was me shifting my "normal mode" onto other things areas... all I know is it drove her mad and for a time that didn't seem to break the pattern. What did? I did. I just started taking care of things like that again for the most part and that's been that. Does she still ask me about some things I should be taking care of? Maybe...

She's got her planner pretty well filled in, but I do too... and I think that was part of my problem... when I worked a diff job that forced me to be johnny-on-top-of-it I ran my life with a schedule planner that was electronically posted and available for other to see... it was necessary to keep it current. When I changed jobs I dropped it, so it seems if it wasn't written down, it wasn't as important.

Now I have a running, current planner... if she asks me to do something and I don't right away, it likely goes into the planner... and then gets bumped and bumped to the next day if I can't cross it off. So that's probably been a part of what wasn't working for me and what fixed it.

Obviously "pick up dog poop" shouldn't be something he has on a planner. And even if its on a honey-do list, he has the different problem of fibbing about it.

Still maybe you can setup a honey-do list on the fridge. Tell him you are frustrated that he lying and you are tired of asking and it isn't going to work... from now on you write down your requests. If he crosses them off without doing them, he has documented a lie. Its tangible. Its as real as a trip to the ice box.

Or maybe that's a lousy pretend fix. It still makes you work. It still makes you moniter him. It only, maybe, helps give him some structure... but it doesn't solve why he's not doing it... and he probably needs to figure it out himself, like I did with using the planner to document and track what I'm doing and what I'm letting go.

Don't know if I have any answer for you, after all that writing. I never give the short answer. Ever.

Is this something which started up just recently?

Does it happen in the winter more than the summer?

:( This is a communication problem. You're both adults with different adult stresses to your relationship. If this has been going on for that long it's not going away overnight either, and needs to be constantly 'caught' and corrected. But the first question is "Why"? Does he feel the need to lie because of being constantly 'picked' on at the wrong time, is he lazy, or doesn't feel the need to answer to you? You need to find out the problem and yelling and accusing won't help. Next time you see the dog doo, or the missing tools, physically bring him to the spot and ask Why? Quietly and calmly. Don't let him avoid you. If he walks away, do it again next time. Eventually he'll get frustrated enough to tell you why, although he may blow when he does.

:p P.S. My hubby's answer is contact comedian "Bill Engvel". His dog eats poop. (Totally yuk! But watching "the Redneck Comedy Tour" may be a conversation opener.)He also makes the obvious point that you can't lie about picking up the doo - it's either there or it's not - why the stupid lie?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Taz1

:( This is a communication problem. You're both adults with different adult stresses to your relationship. If this has been going on for that long it's not going away overnight either, and needs to be constantly 'caught' and corrected.

Thanks, but it's the "caught & corrected" part that bothers me. I really dislike treating him like a child, but GEEZ, I have no idea how to get him to understand how much I hate the lying.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBC

Is this something which started up just recently?

No. I can't say it comes & goes, but there's definately a 'wave' quality to it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by KBC

Does it happen in the winter more than the summer?

Nope. It's unseasonal.

Kp2171 had some amazing things to say on this one. I was reminded of a very important fact. Men (generally speaking) do BIG things. The small, everyday, wears you out and makes you sick that no one will help, or appreciate chores, men aren't bothered by them. Women, in general are more tuned into "minutia." We tend to get bent when he keeps walking past that one pair of dirty socks on the floor. His feeling about it (correct me, guys) is that it isn't worth bending over for, at least until the pile is BIG.

Men get nagged about stuff that they don't even worry about. Women nag, and feel like they aren't getting help from 50% of the marriage relationship.

I read about it once; how men do not understand that women keep points. We aren't mean, we just watch all the little things, all the time. Going to work and bringing home money does not score you 50 points. That is only one point, picking up that stray pair of socks is one point, Occupying children so that your wife can take an uninterrupted bath is one point, loading the dishwasher is one point, running an errand is one point. Maybe women need to understand that men don't get it. They're wired differently. Men aren't lazy, they just don't get it.

Simoneaugie, this reminds me of the guy who when he did do the vacuuming would rather stand there and go over a piece of dirt fifty times with the vac than stoop over and pick it up.

I really don't believe that this is actual laziness. It really is that us guys are "wired" differently. You know; this damn vac was made to pick this up so...
Stringer

I don't know, but I had to read to see if you just by chance mentioned my husband's name. He is the same way... laundry and all. Now he washes clothes, just doesn't fold and put them up... but hey, they are clean. I'm with you moynecan, it get's on my nerves when I catch him in those little white lies.

I think it is all how you were raised, not how you're wired. There are plenty of men that tell the truth about the little tedious things. I was taught not to lie, so I don't now that I'm grown. I look at it like a never ending battle. You never "know" when you're being lied to, until you find the evidence, by that time you have kind of gotten over it.

At first, when we married, my husband told me the women stay in the kitchen and chat and clean and cook (he's from the country), the men go out back and play with cars. I let him know real quick, not in my household. I pay the mortgage... you do the cleaning. You pay the bills... I do the cleaning. This is strictly 50/50!

I even went to the extent of making a cleaning chore list (you can't deny you didn't do it if it's not clean!). One room for him and one for me... split the house right down the middle. (it doesn't help with the lies, but it helps with the chores). Takes more stress off my shoulders so I can deal with the little crap when it comes up.

Aside from little stuff, is he doing his part? Does he seem to be honest with the important stuff?

Quote:

Originally Posted by rpg219

I don't know, but I had to read to see if you just by chance mentioned my husband's name. He is the same way...laundry and all. Now he washes clothes, just doesn't fold and put them up....but hey, they are clean. I'm with you moynecan, it get's on my nerves when I catch him in those little white lies.

I think it is all how you were raised, not how you're wired. There are plenty of men that tell the truth about the little tedious things. I was taught not to lie, so I don't now that I'm grown. I look at it like a never ending battle. You never "know" when you're being lied to, until you find the evidence, by that time you have kinda gotten over it.

At first, when we married, my husband told me the women stay in the kitchen and chat and clean and cook (he's from the country), the men go out back and play with cars. I let him know real quick, not in my household. I pay the mortgage...you do the cleaning. You pay the bills...I do the cleaning. This is strictly 50/50!

I even went to the extent of making a cleaning chore list (you can't deny you didn't do it if it's not clean!). One room for him and one for me...split the house right down the middle. (it doesn't help with the lies, but it helps with the chores). Takes more stress off my shoulders so I can deal with the little crap when it comes up.

Aside from little stuff, is he doing his part? Does he seem to be honest with the important stuff?

Rpg... this is the "Old guy", I wasn't really referring to the lies as when I mentioned us being "wired" differently. I can not stand a liar either, man or woman. I meant something totally different in that we do look at things differently. Like my vacuum story. Ha:rolleyes: Obviously a woman would stoop and pick up the dirt...

I understood "gramps", LMAO! I'm kind of like that too... challenge everything for what it's worth. I know you don't fall into "this" category Stringer. I just don't think it's a "guy thing". I think that we have just picked a couple that have a little coning in them... will tell you what you want to hear, so they don't have to hear us :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by rpg219

I understood "gramps", LMAO! I'm kinda like that too...challenge everything for what it's worth. I know you don't fall into "this" category Stringer. I just don't think it's a "guy thing". I think that we have just picked a couple that have a little coning in them...will tell you what you want to hear, so they don't have to hear us :)

I'm sorry that, that is the case. Lying is never a good thing for any reason. "If we don't stand for something, we will fall for everything.":(

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stringer

I'm sorry that, that is the case. Lying is never a good thing for any reason. "If we don't stand for something, we will fall for everything.":(

Again... wise, wise man!