Ask Me Help Desk - Love with a friend

I have a friend who I know for 8 years. She was my biggest crush in school but I did not have the courage to tell her. She is with someone now who literally tortures her - emotionally, mentally & physically. I really love her and we have shared probably everything about each other, we talk everyday.

She is in that relationship for more than 5 years now but is scared to end it because her boyfriend threatens her and abuses her and also has some information about her that he will share with her family if she ends the relationship.

She stays in a different city and we are in touch with each other via chat and phone and haven't met her in a very long time.

I see her as an ideal woman and would want to spend the rest of my life with her, but I don't know how to go about it because I really don't know her exact feelings for me!

Can someone advice? And help?

Hi there! Wow, lots of history of friendship with this girl! Also, lots of unanswered questions:
Are you dating someone at this time?
In all the time of sharing have you ever voiced or typed to her your real feelings? If so, what was her response?
Have you been afraid of rejection by her in the past?
Is she wanting to get out of this situation of abuse she is currently in?
Has she sought counseling?

The above questions are just the tip of the iceberg, a place to begin.

I think the first step might be to get in touch with her and see if you can meet for coffee or lunch, public place, just to visit and get reacquainted in person rather than words on a page as we are doing here. The fact that you see her as an "Ideal Woman", makes it even more imperative that you spend a bit of time just talking in person. You may have idealized her for so long from your youth that the reality she presents may be different than your idealized thoughts of her even though you have kept the friendship going for so many years.

After visiting in person, perhaps you could approach sharing your feelings for her and seeing if she shares these same feelings. Maybe she felt them also but was too shy to voice them. Communication is the key!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Not knowing what kind of information the guy could share with her family is another matter. Families tend to be forgiving of a lot of things. She may just need someone to give her the courage to step away from the situation, decide to share the information herself with her family and see what lay ahead there. He no longer would have that power over her.

I don't have all the answers here and I am sure others more qualified to respond will do so later. I would give a word of caution. I would not try to be her "Rescuer". She would need to make that step on her own... also, not knowing other factors, you should not place yourself in a position of harm. You can still encourage her and help her with out becoming this guys punching bag. I am not saying that would happen or that you would not punch his lights out but just would be a good thing to avoid... just trying to bring up some areas of thoughts you might need to look at before deciding which approach you feel good about taking.

Keep in touch! We can visit more about it later if you like. Other's on the site may have better ideas than I but just want you to think through a lot of these things, test the water so to speak before putting your emotions out there. If this girl is all you think she is, you can take it slow and together, the two of you can find the answers and possibly a bright and happy future together.

If it doesn't work out, then you will have closure and be free to give yourself totally without reservation for the person out there you should be with. If it does work out, then I would say you are one of the few, living out a fairy tale ending.
I wish you the best God has to offer for your life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrebel7

Hi there! Wow, lots of history of friendship with this girl! Also, lots of unanswered questions:
Are you dating someone at this time?
In all the time of sharing have you ever voiced or typed to her your real feelings?
Have you been afraid of rejection by her in the past?
Is she wanting to get out of this situation of abuse she is currently in?
Has she sought counseling?

The above questions are just the tip of the iceberg, a place to begin.

I think the first step might be to get in touch with her and see if you can meet for coffee or lunch, public place, just to visit and get reacquainted in person rather than words on a page as we are doing here. The fact that you see her as an "Ideal Woman", makes it even more imperative that you spend a bit of time just talking in person. You may have idealized her for so long from your youth that the reality she presents may be different that your idealized thoughts of her even though you have kept the friendship going for so many years.

After visiting in person, perhaps you could approach sharing your feelings for her and seeing if she shares these same feelings. Maybe she felt them also but was too shy to voice them. Communication is the key!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

Not knowing what kind of information the guy could share with her family is another matter. Families tend to be forgiving of a lot of things. She may just need someone to give her the courage to step away from the situation, decide to share the information herself with her family and see what lay ahead there. He no longer would have that power over her.

I don't have all the answers here and I am sure others more qualified to respond will do so later. I would give a word of caution. I would not try to be her "Rescuer". She would need to make that step on her own...also, not knowing other factors, you should not place your self in a position of harm. You can still encourage her and help her with out becoming this guys punching bag. I am not saying that would happen or that you would not punch his lights out but just would be a good thing to avoid......just trying to bring up some areas of thoughts you might need to look at before deciding which approach you feel good about taking.

Keep in touch! We can visit more about it later if you like. Other's on the site may have better ideas than I but just want you to think through a lot of these things, test the water so to speak before putting your emotions out there. If this girl is all you think she is, you can take it slow and together, the two of you can find the answers and possibly a bright and happy future together.

If it doesn't work out, then you will have closure and be free to give yourself totally without reservation for the person out there you should be with. If it does work out, then I would say you are one of the few, living out a fairy tale ending.
I wish you the best God has to offer for your life.

Hi Jrebel7

Thanks for your response.
Just to answer your questions

Are you dating someone at this time? - NO

In all the time of sharing have you ever voiced or typed to her your real feelings? YES I
HAVE i tell her almost everyday that i love her beyond my own imagination

Have you been afraid of rejection by her in the past? - NO I havent ever thought of rejection

Is she wanting to get out of this situation of abuse she is currently in? - SHE IS DESPERATE TO GET OUT IT

Has she sought counseling? - In India counseling isn't a very common phenomenon and its difficult for people to accept the fact that they need counseling

Visiting her is a very difficult thing to do because of the job that I work and I have been trying to wriggle out of it to make a trip - she is 1400 kms away and I need at least a weekend to meet her and talk to her in person. I happened to meet her for a couple of hours about a month ago and I did not see any change in her (I know I will always feel this way for her because I love her so much).

She too has accepted me as the closest friend she has and she says that she loves me for what I am and completely adores me. But when it comes to expressing her real self about how she feels for me - she is hesitant.

About sharing the secrets he has about her, to her family, I have told her this almost 100 times because my reasoning is that they are your family and will accept you even better if you own up - blood is always thicker than water.

I feel the only thing that is hindering our friendship blossoming into a relationship is the distance.

I write about her very often and think about her even more. If you want to get insights into things about her and what I feel you can visit my blog on Its About Me!

Thanks a ton!
Cheeeers!

Your lady in distress needs your support and friendship, not your love as man and woman. She also needs a lot of help, away from this current relationship. I can imagine how trapped she feels. Unfortunately, she is the only one that can make the changes needed for her happiness. She is fortunate to have your friendship, and I'm sorry I cannot be more helpful. Much Luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by itsaboutme

Hi Jrebel7

Thanks for your response.
Just to answer your questions

Are you dating someone at this time? - NO
she too has accepted me as the closest friend she has and she says that she loves me for what i am and completely adores me. but when it comes to expressing her real self about how she feels for me - she is hesitant.
about sharing the secrets he has about her, to her family, i have told her this almost 100 times coz my reasoning is that they are ur family and will accept you even better if u own up - blood is always thicker than water.
i feel the only thing that is hindering our friendship blossoming into a relationship is the distance.
i write about her very often and think about her even more. if u wanna get insights into things about her and what i feel u can visit my blog on Its About Me!
thanks a ton!
cheeeers!

Hi there! ( I deleted a portion of your earlier note, just for space not because I did not think it valid)

I am back again. I should have told you what time it was when I wrote to you. I apologize if you thought I just wrote my note to you then left you out there! Here it was around 3:00 a.m. I believe. Don't remember for sure but anyway, had an early morning this morning so am just now getting back to you. It is 9:41 p.m. Thursday here right now.

I was out of town all day until just a bit ago but as I went through my day, I thought about your situation. I knew I had not fully comprehended your situation, too many variables. From the note you sent back, answering my questions, I can tell you are totally dedicated to this young lady and have given much thought to your love for her. I am just not hearing much about her love for you. I don't know how relationships are dealt with by you or her but can only state from my heart. You say she says you are her closest friend, she loves you and adores you but is hesitant beyond that point. I have not had time yet this evening to read your blog but will try to do so later and thank you ahead of time for sharing it. At this point, my concern is for you and your future. Waiting on someone who has not gotten out of a toxic relationship or from what you have shared thus far, has not really made any concrete plans to get out of it, makes me concerned for your heart. She is indeed, very blessed to have you in her life. From what you have written, who wouldn't be. It seems to me, she is comfortable knowing you love her beyond your own imagination and are there for her at every turn. I am concerned for her and for anyone in an abusive situation. I hope she gets out of it soon.

Please understand, I am not questioning your love and dedication for her. That is clearly seen. I am however, wondering if she has plans on getting out of her situation and does she have a commitment in her heart for you, not just as a closest friend but in a committed relationship to you.. Do you know the answer to this?

The distance between where you live and where she lives, is this something you or she could change or are both of you locked in to jobs to where you don't feel that is an option right now?

Let me read your blog in a bit and get back with you. If I don't come back soon, may be I am just busy reading your blog or had to step away from the computer for a bit, etc. I hope you don't feel down from my responses. I admire your dedication to this young lady and I do wish the best for both of you, whether together or separate.

Back to you soon and again, thank you for being so thorough in answering the questions I listed earlier. Maybe just posting here and hearing from others will help you not feel so alone in this feeling of longing for this girls love.

Quote:

Originally Posted by itsaboutme

Hi Jrebel7

Thanks for your response.
Just to answer your questions

Are you dating someone at this time? - NO

In all the time of sharing have you ever voiced or typed to her your real feelings? YES I
HAVE i tell her almost everyday that i love her beyond my own imagination

Have you been afraid of rejection by her in the past? - NO I havent ever thought of rejection

Is she wanting to get out of this situation of abuse she is currently in? - SHE IS DESPERATE TO GET OUT IT

Has she sought counseling? - In India counseling isn't a very common phenomenon and its difficult for people to accept the fact that they need counseling

Visiting her is a very difficult thing to do coz of the job that i work and i have been trying to wriggle out of it to make a trip - she is 1400 kms away and i need atleast a weekend to meet her and talk to her in person. i happened to meet her for a couple of hours about a month ago and i did not see any change in her (i know i will always feel this way for her coz i love her so much).

she too has accepted me as the closest friend she has and she says that she loves me for what i am and completely adores me. but when it comes to expressing her real self about how she feels for me - she is hesitant.

about sharing the secrets he has about her, to her family, i have told her this almost 100 times coz my reasoning is that they are ur family and will accept you even better if u own up - blood is always thicker than water.

i feel the only thing that is hindering our friendship blossoming into a relationship is the distance.

i write about her very often and think about her even more. if u wanna get insights into things about her and what i feel u can visit my blog on Its About Me!

thanks a ton!
cheeeers!

I did visit your blog. Your openness is genuine. I thank you for sharing. I have some other insights into this situation but I think would be better served through PM. If you would like further discussion regarding this matter, I leave it up to you to contact me through Private Messaging. I have written quite a lot to you already so realize you may have received enough thoughts to digest for awhile but if you should want further discussion, please feel the freedom to PM me. Thank you and best to you!