Ask Me Help Desk - I need to hear what other people think of this situation.

OK quick background...
-Right now we're both in different hard colleges. She's in a more party city.
-We met about 3 years ago.
-VERY Long distance thing from the start. (yeah I know.. )
-We liked each other from the start, but never made it official because of the long distance.
-We were closer to each other than we were to anyone else.
-About a year into it she got a boyfriend for a few months, then I got a girlfriend for a few months. We still talked everyday.
-We got closer then probably because seeing each other with someone else.
-I dumped my girlfriend for certain reasons n then she dumps her boyfriend a little while later. Her friends tell me probably because of her feelings for me.
-we get very relationship like closeness literally right after. This went on for about a year. (I was a 1rst year college kid then and she was a senior in hs)
-Met up here and there, always amazing.
-We were like dumb love high teenagers then when I look back.
--All was going amazing never had problems in years all up till she got to college...

The Issue...
-She's going to a college very far from home to the city where she knows no one and going for a hard medical major. She's a very social person. Goes out to clubs and parties. Very good looking, gets a lot of guys but very picky and only dates guys for long term seriousness type. Doesn't have sex until after marriage so I can trust her. Tough on the out side but really emotional on the inside just does her best to hide it. Really anyone who knows her can tell she's real innocent and trustworthy and has a lot of values.
-also I was suppose to go to college in the same city as her but things got delayed so she thinks I won't be there for another year. (no not going there because of her going because of school reasons)

-ok so college brought her off cloud 9 with me and her. We couldn't talk as much mainly her fault and she admitted it. I know her, I could tell she didn't want to put the time and effort. Id ask her if she needed a relationship break or if we should talk less and that id work with her and shed be like no she didn't want a break. We would then talk almost everyday. About a month later she finally broke lose and said she wanted to take a break.

as soon as she brought it up she like avoided me. We never got to finish the talk till like 2 weeks later. During that 2 weeks I fell apart and would send her e-mails and leave her voice mails. Completely ignored me. Yeah I know shouldn't have.

even had her girl friends from home try talking to her and she would avoid the subject of me with them too. They were all like what the hell too. Then eventually I got a hold of her and we talked for awhile. Told me that since school started she felt even farther away from me. The long distance thing was getting to her. That she wants to hold off on our relationship for awhile. That its not about being single its just she doesn't want to deal with a relationship. And I could tell that since school started I believe her. I asked her a million times if this was some nice way of breaking up and to just do it instead of giving me any false hope but she kept saying no she just doesn't want to deal with the relationship now until later when it matters. She said she feels good about me and her that we're good for each other if not perfect for each other. She said if people were to ask if she was with someone she will just say "its complicated"

basically move on with life be good to each other then one day when she is ready start it up again. I asked her what about when I do transfer there. She just said she doesn't know that she would try it but doesn't know. The girl takes school seriously. I asked her wouldn't talk be akward one day just starting up again she thinks it won't be. Right now we hardly talk as it is. She doesn't try contacting me at all. Ill call her like once a week. We'll talk for a short time to say hey and stuff. I've been a mess. I do my best to cope with all this. She seems fine though, that's what hurts me the most. Her friends and my friends who know her all tel me its because she knows I'm too to leave her so she has no worries.

So sorry this was long. But basically what I'm asking is what do you think of all this?? Part of me really just wants to forget her and move on, at the sametime I really want to play my cards right to get her back. For me either your in my life or your not. Everyone tells me breaks don’t work and they lead to a break up. At the sametime I just want to fix things with her. What she doesn’t know is I mightttttt be going to school near her in another month. I was going to tell her but then she brought up the whole break thing. So I’m asking what do you guys think I should do in response to all this? What should I do to make all the right moves? Like when should I tell her that I might be going there for school in a month? How often should I contact her when she like never tries talking to me now (right now I'm calling only once a week)? So she doesn't think I forgot about her at the sametime trying to give the space she wanted. Or should I even contact her at all?

thankssss

I have to add I do my best to give her the space, and to keep my cool. And to show I support her on all this. And that I'm trying to do my best to go on with my life. But then I keep thinking what if she says is all true and I do have a chance with her you know. I want to be able to play my cards right in all this.

Anybody? Like her friends say its her being stressed from not being able to be with me that when I'm there with her in person and to have a normal relationship in person which is what we both want it would all good again? But the way she is acting with not even trying to talk to me is hard when you talked to the girl for almost every freaking day for over 2 and a half years. Where we've been nothing but super super close. This mess been going on for almost 2 months.

So anyone?

Please be patient since you have just written a lot for anyone here to take in and assimilate into their thinking. It is best to take things one thing at a time here as far as solving problems in relationships. Typically, there are no answers "written in stone" until much is learned about a situation.

I have read what you have written. It sounds like you are both the same age. Is that correct?

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Originally Posted by Clough

I have read what you have written. It sounds like you are both the same age. Is that correct?

I'm about 8 months older. A 2nd year college kid. She's just started her first year in college.

Please briefly describe what you mean by this being a "VERY Long distance thing from the start."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

Please briefly describe what you mean by this being a

Met through some friends. 90% online and phone. Across the united states long distance lol...
Normally me and her would never do anything like that it sounds stupid if I were to here some other kid tell me he was doing that with some girl. But we got really into each other.

We did get to see each other here and there. And it was like some romantic cheesy movie. We did talk literally almost every day for the past 2 and half years. We tried to be very realistic about it enough to the point where we were cool with seeing other people just that we hoped "one day we can be together normally" and we each did date someone else for about 6 months each.. and during that time me and her just got more closer. And then after we each became single again we got real close like bf/gf close. And took things more serious. Just got to the point we didn't want anyone else. Which all went down the hill when she started college. Because the long distance thing finally got to her.

Like I said earlier I might be moving there in another month she doesn't know that though. I don't want her thinking I'm going there because of her because its not. She'll get pressured and push me farther away.

Thank you for the brief explanation! That helps a lot!

I think that you are correct in thinking that she could feel pressured and push you further away. I also don't know that I would call it pushing you away though so much as maybe her isolating herself in order to concentrate on what she needs to do for herself right now in order to be successful at college.

It sounds like you and she have a lot of friends who know both of you. Is that correct?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

It sounds like you and she have a lot of friends who know both of you. Is that correct?

yeah we do. One of our mutual guy friends is like an older bro to her and also one of my closest guy friends. He said he was going to talk to her in person and do his best. She doesn't tell people her problems keeps it to her self. Like when I told her girl friends what she was doing they were all very surprised and had no idea. So I was thinking it would be good if he talked to her, since she respects him a lot. And he did fix some problems she had with her ex boyfriend. See she's not your ideal girlfriend like she admits it too she doesn't know how to be a good girlfriend. And it pissed off her ex a lot and he would tell her she sucked at being a girlfriend. And she would tell me and my guy friend that she knows she's not doing her best with me and wants to. I think that's also another reason for her for pulling away. That she thinks she's a bad girlfriend and wants to wait till she has time in her life to be ready to commit to a serious relationship with me. And be mature enough. And yeah I do my best to try and make her think she isn't a bad girlfriend. Lol sorry this situation has a lot of variables going on in it...

Yes, it does have a lot of variables to it. And, you are doing a lot of analyzing too, which may be contributing to the problem. Just trying to be honest with you here. When I was your age, I would write things almost constantly about girls with whom I was interested. I'd even get up from bed in the middle of the night and write something down in order to try and figure things out.

Have you ever written her a letter or sent her a card with some of your writing in it? Do you know her address?

Wouldn't that make her think I'm trying to get her back or something? I mean for the first 2 or 3 weeks I did nothing but like e-mail and leave her voice mails. Because I thought she was pulling one of those "nice break ups". It was my mistake and don't want to do it again. I've been keeping my cool since.

Yeah I do over analyze people have told me lol, I try not to. What I don't get is why she doesn't try talking to me as much anymore. Like I would wait for a week and a half and no word. I mean shouldn't she at least have the respect to say heyy how you doing here and there? Should I give her more space then or what? Like I'm worried this has really hurt our relationship that when I am there in person able to give a normal relationship it just won't work because of all this . Like she made it clear she doesn't want to lose me, and she made it clear she wants a break. And she doesn't try talking to me. I'm confusedd on how to handle all this

You would like to get her back eventually, wouldn't you? Yes or no.

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Originally Posted by Clough

You would like to get her back eventually, wouldn't you? Yes or no.

Yes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough
You would like to get her back eventually, wouldn't you? Yes or no.

Quote:

Originally Posted by idunnodude101
Yes.

Then please answer the questions below that I have already asked earlier. By a letter, I mean something that is either typed or preferably hand-written. I am trying to help you here. Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough
Have you ever written her a letter or sent her a card with some of your writing in it? Do you know her address?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

Then please answer the questions below that I have already asked earlier. By letter, I mean something that is either typed or preferably hand-written. I am trying to help you here. Thanks!

Yeah I can mail her stuff. No I haven't mailed her a letter or card since her birthday last year. I did send a rose a few months back in hopes she will talk to me more often.

One thing that has really worked for me in the past is to find some really nice card with some sentimental stuff on it and also space for me to write some things with a pen. Doesn't have to be anything that even hints of pressure at all. Could also just be a blank card with a picture on it of something that you know she likes. You could write things like "I was just thinking about you and hoping that you are okay and that college is going well for you." "I know that you have a lot on your plate right now."

I guess if it was me who was in your shoes right now, I would try to find a card that had some sentimental message about goal setting, reaching your potential or goals, something along those lines.

I wouldn't even put anything in it about "please give me a call sometime" or "please write back" or "I really miss you." Just the fact that you have taken the time to write something and that it is something that she can hold in her hand and look at and contemplate on can mean a lot to her. One girl I did this with in the past called me up and said "Thank you!" "That isn't like you!" Really surprised her and got things rolling for us again! The same sort of thing happened with another girl in whom I was interested.

Please be patient and give things some time. I do think that she does need some space.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

Please be patient and give things some time. I do think that she does need some space.

Ok I will do that. Would it be OK if send some of her favorite type of chocolate with it?

I do understand she wants space, but should I just stop trying to call her from now on? Like do what some people do where they just stop contacting their spouse and wait on them to make the move?

Also the one other impt question, when should I make the move and tell her I might be going to school there this Jan?

Thanks!

If it were me in your shoes, and given the situation the way that it is now, I wouldn't send the chocolate because that's kind of like sending the rose. It's just kind of laying a heavy on a woman like giving her trinkets like jewelry and the like. How about a picture on a card that has chocolate in it?

I'm going to address the other things that you mention in your last post in just a bit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

I'm going to address the other things that you mention in your last post in just a bit.

OK thank you :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by idunnodude101

Ok I will do that. Would it be ok if send some of her favorite type of chocolate with it?

I do understand she wants space, but should I just stop trying to call her from now on? Like do what some people do where they just stop contacting their spouse and wait on them to make the move?

Also the one other impt question, when should I make the move and tell her I might be going to school there this Jan?

thanks!

I think that the best thing for you to do right now is to wait for awhile. Don't call and just send the card as soon as possible. Wait to see what happens. Please be patient. Since there was something good and beautiful for an extended period between the two of you previously, then chances are that the good feelings from her toward you are still there. This is also heading into being a very busy time of year for most people who are in college, because of the holidays and preparing for the ends of certain periods in the college year.

When to tell her that you will be going to school there starting in January is a tough question to answer. I'm not sure that you need to tell her at all. I don't see any problem with it being a surprise. If she does contact you between now and the term that will start in January, then I would tell her. "By the way, I just wanted to let you know..." But, I wouldn't do it in a text or an email. Either in-person, on the phone or even in a written letter would be okay. Sometimes we get to relying so much on this electronic communication, that we can't really see what another person is really thinking or feeling because we have been using it.

Is she religious at all in terms of participating in some kind of organized religion?