(I know that this posting is really long, but please take the time... read it, and respond. I really need this adice.)
Hello. My name is MaryAnna. I recently moved to where I live about 4-5 months ago. I moved here with my now ex fiancé. Our relationship went donw the drain dew to him. It was becoming a violent relationship and I have a one year old son. Of course being a mother, I didn't want what was happening to me to EVER happen to my son. So, our relationship (or should I say the lack there of) ended the night that he threw me up against the wall and choaked me 'till I couldn't breathe. Well, I started getting involved with another guy, and he wasn't my usual "type". He was attractive and quite handsome. All of the guys that I have been with where somewhat attractive, but this one was different. In the past two years I have NEVER been "dumped". There was one case that I could sort of count, but we ended back together before the night was over.But, the guy that I was becoming "more into" lives in my apartment complex and we started spending A lot of time together. I mean, it has gotten to the point that I was never at my own apartment. I showered, cleaned and slept at his place. I rarely saw my own room mates. We have recently been looking for a house together in the SE part of town. Everything was going really great with the two of us. We have been sexually active with each other for most of our relationship, and I must say that we have/had a great sex life. That was no problem. Here's where I am confused. I dated a guy once upon a time and I haven't talked with him in a long time. I have a profile at a website, and he too has one. He sent me a message and we have been talking ever sense. We have hung out a few times here and there, but I stopped because my current boyfriend had been getting jelous. But only about this ex of mine in particular. I have A lot of guy friends, so I know that it's not just because he's a guy. I told the guy that I am currently with that I would no longer speak with my ex. The only thing is,. he didn't know that he was even an "ex". He thought that he was just a friend, because I lied and told him that. I saw how jelous he was already, and I knew that that would intensify it. My ex has been trying to get back with me for a while now. I don't want to be with him, and I made the mistake of saying, "If we are meant to be, then something will happen". The guy that I am with now, checked my email one day and found things that disturbed him. It was an email from and to my ex that had been abusing me. I had said "I love you and I want to be with you". I wrote it one night when I had come home drunk from a friends birthday party. I didn't mean it, and the next day when I had noticed it, I wrote him back saying that I didn't mean it. But, my current boyfriend told me that he had read my emails and he said that he was concerned. I told him that I made a mistake and that I had written him back saying exactly that. That is was a mistake. But, back to the long lost ex boyfriend. Ever sense the abusive ex, I told the guy that I am with now, that he could check my emails when ever he felt like he has to. No one should "feel like they have to", but I told him that I have nothing to hide, so... he can read it when ever he wants:) Well, ever sense I told him that, I have been deleting my emails, my trash, and my outgoing. He had still ben checking it, and he found that I had started doing exactly that. It came across as being sneaky, so he put a program on the computer that keeps record of that I type. I found this out a couple days ago, when he found an email disturbing. He asked me if there was anything between my long lost ex and I and I said no. We're just friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I knew that he had a hard on for me even though he was ingaged to a lady when we ran into each other again. What I want to know is how can I make our relationship better? I have been lying to my current boyfriend, and I want to work it out with him. I haven't cheated on him, but I have lied to him about a lot. In my mind, I showed him that I was one person, when I was that person, but I didn't show my flaws. I lied to him because I didn't want to hurt him. I was going to discontiue ALL contact with my long lost ex and I was going to pursue my relationship with the guy that I am with. He saw the emails that had wriiten today, and he flipped out because there where my lies in black and white. I even told him that I would discontinue talking to him and I had not. I screwed up hard core and I know I did. I am not trying to "justify" my actions, but I need to know what to do. He also needs to know what to do. If you can post your opinion, I would appriciate it. Be as blunt as you would like. I need true hard core advice. I am falling in love with this guy and tonight he said that he can no longer trust me and there will NEVER be an "us" again. We can be friends, but we can NEVER be together as a couple. I want to be with him, and I think that he might be the one. I am more than willing to do what ever it takes. If it means us not being together and him gaining trust taurds me, then I'll do it. If he wants to do counsling, then I'll do it. We're a newer couple ( we where) and I want to make this work. I know that it's bad that I lied so earlie in our relationship, but I want to learn from it and proceed with what we had and what we may have in the feature. Thank you and like I said before... I want honest, blunt comments. :confused:

Hi,
I am 63, married first time for 7 yrs, divorced, now married 2nd. Time to a wonderful woman for 28 yrs.
We learn from our mistakes, and hopefully, try to not keep making the same ones over and over. Ok, so you lied to him, and you have liked him now for about 4 months?
That's not a very long time to get to know someone. You two have great sex, "live" together in his apartment, and you think you are falling in love with him, but have lied to him about part of your past.
You have two options:
Stay around him, hope he will begin to "trust" you again, or:
Move on.
He told you that he can't trust you anymore, and he can never be "serious" about you. I would take that as a "learning experience", and start looking for someone else. Be honest, respectful, with anyone, and you will eventually find a man who is the same.
This man you think you are falling in love with, isn't really one you want. In my opinion, he is just using it as an excuse to "just be friends", because he really doesn't love you. If he is the type of man you might want to marry someday, he would not "break off" everything because of a few lies you have told. If he thinks he loves you, he would try working it out. But, that's not the case.
If you continue to "chase" him, I'm afraid it will only lead to more heartache for you. It's your choice and a decision that will have to made soon. Start meeting some new people, and leave this one alone. If he decides he wants to start a "serious" relationship with you, I am sure he will let you know in the future. Meantime, leave him alone.

At least now you know the consequences of your actions(LYING)Maybe you should work to make yourself better or at least be honest enough with yourself and others to sustain a relationship built on love and trust.If it were me ,once I found out you lied I'd be long gone no looking back.It takes years to build trust but only a second to lose it.Look at it from his point of veiw, why should he risk trusting you ever again.It will take a long time for him to get over this hurt.maybe you should look elsewhere.Take care of yourself and good luck! :cool:

Go to a restaurant or somewhere else where the two of you can have an honest heart-to-heart chat. Apologize for the lies that you've told him in the past. Set the record straight and tell him the truthful version of those things that you had previously lied to him about. Ask for his forgiveness and assure him that you'll never lie to him again and keep your word. Then tell him how you feel about him and reassure him that you'd really like things to wok out with him. There is never any good reason for you to lie to him about anything, especially about an ex. Assure him that you no longer have any interest in your ex and will not contact him ever again and keep your word on that as well. If your ex contacts you, immediately delete e-mails, IMs, etc. and do not respond. If your ex ever contacts you in person, politely ask him not to contact you anymore and tell him upfront about your current relationship. Remember, it's important not only to be honest with your boyfriend but with all people with whom you communicate on a daily basis, especially where your relationship is concerned. If you feel like you cannot stop lying then you may want to see a therapist as compulsive lying is usually a symptom of some deep-rooted psycological problem.

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Originally Posted by fredg

If he is the type of man you might want to marry someday, he would not "break off" everything because of a few lies you have told.

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Actually, I'm not so sure. A prudent man would be very leery of continuing in a relationship with a confirmed liar, even if he did truly love her. I know I would. Habitually lying to a significant other is very serious and not something to be taken lightly. I think that your advice to this young lady may have been a little misguided when you suggested that he was using her lying as an "excuse" because he wants to be "just friends." Being leery of lying isn't excuse-making, it's prudent judgment. This relationship may be salvageable but she must reconcile with him completely and soon and she must reverse her behavior once and for all if she wants this to work out.

I am still at his apartment. He doesn't want me to leave. Today was very stressful. I attempted suicide last night and that drained everyone. My friends and myself. What they don't see is... that I don't find a purpose to live. It sounds bad, but I can't even find the excuse of my son. Yes, I want to be here for him while he grows up, but I have majorly screwed up and that was a disappointed myself. That's not what I do in relationships. I don't lie. But in this one, I did. I thank you for the last advice given. I wrote that person back earlie this morning saying that it not the new guys fault what so ever. It's all mine. And he wasn't looking for a way out. He was hurt. Badly at that. I saw that and it tore me up inside and out. I am not still at his apartment because he thinks that I will attempt suicide again. He had asked me to stay before then. I thank you foe your advice. I think that this relationship is worth trying to get through (the problems that is) I think that it is worth all the pain and agany that we may face. Later on this evening, the guy was lying down and taking a nap. I went over by him, sat down and he pulled me down next to him. I am not going to get my hopes up, but I think that that is a good sighn :) Once again, I thank you all for you advice. If you have any more, keep 'em coming. -MaryAnna-

1st thing I will tell you is to seek some form of counseling and talk to someone about getting help. I know you have these feelings but don't ever ever choose a man or anyone over your child. I can not believe I'm reading that you want to kill yourself over a man like you care more about him than your son. Is that true or are you just not thinking. That child needs you and think about what he would think if you had succeeded in your suicide attempt. You need to stop thinking about how you feel and think about your child. You cannot put all this on him. I could imagine him in therapy for the rest of his life believing that his mother did not love him because she choose to end it over some guy and didn't even stop to think of him. What about your son? Its not fair for him to suffer because of your feelings. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I don't know how to be right now.

Crankiebabie,

I agree with you, excellent advice.

Joe

I wasn't thinking at the time. I do care about my son and that's more than likely what I am going to do. ( The advice given. )

Hi,
Attempting to commit suicide is a call for help. I am so glad you have taken the first step; that is, posting here with what you tried to do. It is the first step in getting help; and that is, admitting there is a problem.
I would not think about trying to have any relationship with anyone until you get some Professional help. Help yourself to get better first, feel better about yourself, then eventually, you can work toward the goal of having a good relationship with someone else.
But first, like yourself. You are special; you are loved, and you have to find this out for yourself, and believe it. I do sincerely wish you the best, and please make an appointment with a Professional of some type, even calling a "hotline" can help direct you to someone.

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Originally Posted by fredg

Hi,
Attempting to commit suicide is a call for help. I am so glad you have taken the first step; that is, posting here with what you tried to do. It is the first step in getting help; and that is, admitting there is a problem.
I would not think about trying to have any relationship with anyone until you get some Professional help. Help yourself to get better first, feel better about yourself, then eventually, you can work toward the goal of having a good relationship with someone else.
But first, like yourself. You are special; you are loved, and you have to find this out for yourself, and believe it. I do sincerely wish you the best, and please make an appointment with a Professional of some type, even calling a "hotline" can help direct you to someone.

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Absolutely right. Call a hotline or check yourself in to the state hospital, before you try to kill yourself again.. You need psychiatric treatment. The relationship troubles you've been having and everything else are symptoms of whatever your underlying problems are. You need to be thoroughly evaluated and if deemed appropriate, put on a regimen of some sort of antidepressant medication. It will probably take some time to diagnose your specific problem and prescribe the most appropriate course of treatment, so be patient, keep the faith and good luck!

We were together last night watching movies with a friend. When we went to bed we held each other and he said, "Why did you have to lie to me? God...it's not that I don't want to be with you. I just want things to be like they where two weeks ago." We held each other and fell asleep. He had a job interview today (this morning) and I woke up to him getting ready. I told him good luck and he was on his way. When he got home, I was fast asleep. I woke up and asked him how it went. It didn't go well. I wanted to comfort him. But I couldn't. He was watching something on the computer and he was laughing. He said "can you come here for a minute"? So, I went to him. We watched some stuff and then he was saying that his left shoulder was hurting pretty bad. My right shoulder was hurting, so I think that it was because we where both lying on our sides holding each other the previous night.So, I pulled him up from his chair. I took him to the bedroom and started to unbutton his shirt. One by one, the shirt came off. I touched his chest and I wanted to cry. He asked me what I was doing, and I asked him to lay down on the bed. I also told him that I wasn't going to rape him or anything. So, I started rubbing his back and shoulder. When he said that it was better (his shoulder), we laid down together. I told him that I needed to go take a shower and he wouldn't let me up. He said no. So, I laid there for a little longer. I told him that he to needed a shower. I asked him if he wanted to jump in with me.(not thinking. That's what we use to do together) He said that he would take one after me. But a couple minutes later, he took his pants off. I asked him what he was doing, and he said that he was going to take a shower with me. I had no problem with that. Then he said the same thing that he said the night before about he still likes me and why did I have to lie to him. He also said that he had been "falling for me". He stopped talking and I could feel his pain. It sucks. What's happening between him and I. But, I was going to go take a shower and I went to kiss him. It ended up being a passionate kiss and we also ended up making love. We got in the shower after and he said, "don't try to get me to talk right now. You won't like what I have to say. Give me time to think about it more. Okay!" He then got out of the shower shortly after that was said. I stayed in the shower and I cried. I cried and I puked. I don't know what to do now. Everything was starting to look between the two of us. But I guess that it was not. I want to know what all of this sounds like to you. Thank you again.

You basically want a way to gain his trust again, so may I suggest you staying in your apartment, take care of business, child, etc. and when he sees that you don't have any other male traffic at all hours, and believe me, he will keep an eye on you, he might realize you are serious. Also, this will give him time to miss you and what you both had together, be able to value what he no longer has available at his beck and call. React cordially when you meet him outside, and smile, don't let him see how much it bothers you. If he comes to reason and contacts you first, then you just might have a chance, but I'd give it at least a month, even if he asks you out earlier - put him off to show him that you are not that easy. If he invites you for a 'freindly xmas dinner' don't let it go any further and thank him for the nice time. Do not stay at his place any more because it will only give you false hopes which are not good for your emotional condition right now. This will also give you time to relect on what is more important to you, those emails or a real life - and leave those ex's out of it. They brought you nothing but bad luck so far and I don't think that will change, either now or in the future. I know it's hard to be alone, especially during the holiday season, but there will be more to come and might be better than any others you had in the recent past. Just so you won't get too depressed, make sure you have some scents or candles to cheer you up at home, and take some essential vitamins that are usually lacking this time of year. A healthy body - healthy mind. Wishing you all the luck in the world for you and your child, and happy holidays! P.S. Suicide is a chicken way out, you must learn to face things, and you did by admitting you lied, so now get your priorities set, your son should be the center of this universe of yours', not another man because you need some self-worth now and not another put-down - and as I said before, this time of the year is very depressive for many, so don't feel alone, and talk to people - and stay online with us.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_15_8.gifConcentrate on making your home and your family comfortable. You have been wearing a sign on your back with "abuse me, I'm not worth anything else" on it and it's time you get over the fear of being alone with yourself and take that sign off.

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Originally Posted by MaryAnna

We were together last night watching movies with a friend. When we went to bed we held each other and he said, "Why did you have to lie to me? God...it's not that I don't want to be with you. I just want things to be like they where two weeks ago." We held each other and fell asleep. He had a job interview today (this morning) and I woke up to him getting ready. I told him good luck and he was on his way. When he got home, I was fast asleep. I woke up and asked him how it went. It didn't go well. I wanted to comfort him. But I couldn't. He was watching something on the computer and he was laughing. He said "can you come here for a minute"? So, I went to him. We watched some stuff and then he was saying that his left shoulder was hurting pretty bad. My right shoulder was hurting, so I think that it was becaus we where both lying on our sides holding each other the previous night.So, I pulled him up from his chair. I took him to the bedroom and started to unbutton his shirt. One by one, the shirt came off. I touched his chest and I wanted to cry. He asked me what I was doing, and I asked him to lay down on the bed. I also told him that I wasn't going to rape him or anything. So, I started rubbing his back and shoulder. When he said that it was better (his shoulder), we layed down together. I told him that I needed to go take a shower and he wouldn't let me up. He said no. So, I layed there for a little longer. i told him that he to needed a shower. I asked him if he wanted to jump in with me.(not thinking. Thats what we use to do together) He said that he would take one after me. But a couple minutes later, he took his pants off. I asked him what he was doing, and he said that he was going to take a shower with me. I had no problem with that. Then he said the same thing that he said the night befor about he still likes me and why did I have to lie to him. He also said that he had been "falling for me". He stopped talking and i could feel his pain. It sucks. What's happening between him and I. But, i was going to go take a shower and I went to kiss him. It ended up being a passionate kiss and we also ended up making love. We got in the shower after and he said, "don't try to get me to talk right now. You won't like what I have to say. Give me time to think about it more. Okay!" He then got out of the shower shortly after that was said. I stayed in the shower and i cried. I cried and I puked. I dont know what to do now. Everything was starting to look between the two of us. But I guess that it was not. i want to know what all of this sounds like to you. Thank you again.

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His job interview did not go good, and no matter what you do, it will not make the situation better. Men have a tendency to 'transfer' fault to any body that is willing to take on that burden - and in his case it happens to be you right now. Get out, take care of your home, and let him collect himself. Don't let him vent his anger and disappointment out on you - start realizing you deserve better treatment. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. You need to take care of you and yours, which will be hard enough. Again, good luck.

I think that things are going good. We are back together. He made it clear to me that he doesn't "trust" me, but we need to work on that. All is well. I am going to make a counsling appointment, and hope that that will help. Well, I know that it will. I just have to do it. Like I said, for the most part, everything is going good between me and my partner. Thanks for all the advice!!
-Maryanna-

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Originally Posted by MaryAnna

I think that things are going good. We are back together. He made it clear to me that he doesn't "trust" me, but we need to work on that. All is well. i am going to make a counsling appointment, and hope that that will help. well, i know that it will. i just have to do it. Like i said, for the most part, everything is going good between me and my partner. Thanks for all the advice!!!
-Maryanna-

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When you finally get that counselling, make sure that you don't leave when things get uncomfortable for you. After all a good therapist is there to help you get to the root of a problem that lies deep within you, and help you work on it, so please don't give up on yourself, or you'll give up on your son too, and rigth now that's the only thing that should count - no man can fix this, only you can. Good luck to you dear and I sincerely hope things work out for a happier future.;)

Everything is going well with the guy. That's no problem. The only problem that I have right now is my sons father. He doesn't know that I attempted suicde, so I know that that's not the reason for all of this. He is trying to keep my son. I moved further away from him, and he doesn't like it one bit. I don't see why it harms him. He has NEVER come and picked up his son. I always pick my son up from his father and I drop him off. I have him for two weeks then I drop him off with his dad for two weeks, then I go and pick him up. This past week, I have been fighting for my right to see my son. Last week, I had some dental work being done to my teethe. I was going to have my wisdon teethe pulled and I had a root-canal. I was talking to my sons father and he said that he would keep him till I was done with the dentist. I thought about it and said okay. I know that really bad pain and a one year old don't mix. So, I went to the dentist and I got everything finished with. I called Joshua's father on Thursday saying that I was done with everything. I wanted to know where my son would be at around 2pm on Friday. He said that it didn't matter because I wasn't getting him. I ended up going down to where he lives and trying to force my way through him, his aunt and his uncle. I was doing prettie good for a while until they said that they would call the police. So, I left. Sense then, my sleeping habbits SUCK. That night I DIDN'T sleep at all. I finally fell asleep last night around 11pm. I had been awake for a good amount of hours. But, I have a layer, and I know what to do. I just miss my son and I don't know how not to cry about it. I woke last night very friquently. I didn't like it, and I want to know if anyone knows what to do. Thanks

Without getting legal, that's not my field, there are certain questions any authority figure will ask when you request help and you should have the answers: 1) who has legal custody of Joshua? 2) are there any legally signed documents? 3) does the father not have to give a valid reason why he forbids you contact with your son 4) can't you get proof of that dental appointment and/or a statement from the dentist.

Once you are armed with that proof, can you go to the authorities to request them to help you retrieve your son? Or do you have a history of not keeping your side of the 'commitment' for any other reason. If Joshua's father can prove you are unstable in any way, there might be a slight problem, so see if you can find free legal aide somewhere, there are some free legal sites that allow you one question per month, that you can find and get help that way if you need it. And also make certain that your house is in order when the people he sends to inspect that area (and he will) can report back that all is in order in that aspect. I'd also see if you can somehow get the support from your neighbors before the father gets a chance to influence them against you, so be ready for a lot of stress one way or the other. Now you will really have to decide whether your son or another man are more important in your life or you might loose him.

What reason do you think the father has for keeping your son away from you at this time - do you think he's been keeping an eye on you, justified or not - be ready for anything and don't fall into the 'poor me' depression stage which would be the worse thing to do for now. So gather all the strength you can possible muster, and start getting your stuff together and straighten up. We can only advise, but what happens, depends on you. You can explain everything step by step in another thread in the legal section and hopefully there is someone on this side that can give a few more bits of advice, but be prepared for anything, including getting a lawyer. Too bad this had to happed, but you probably deliberately put yourself to this test and it did not work out the way you expected it. I certainly hope everything works out and that you will have your baby back soon. Good luck and please keep us posted.

I agree with Cherry.

What does your lawyer have to say about all this?

Who has "physical custody" of the child?

If you do, go the police and get your son back.

But if you have a lawyer, why has he not told you this?

Nobody has "legal" custody. We had a mutual agreement. I had bee telling his father that we need to get something in writing saying what our agreement was. He never would do it. I have a lawer. My mother actually does. I just use him. So, this isn't going to hurt me "financialy". Him on the other hand,. he doesn't have the money or a good way to get a good lawer. But, I got some good advice from my lawer and hopefully, I will have my son in my arms come Monday:) Thank you all