So I'm a college student at University of Vermont and it is my first term here as a college student. I live in an all freshman dorm with girl and guy floors on alternating from floors 1 to 4. Im on the third floor and a girls floor is right below me. I met a girl named Jess who lives on the 2nd Floor. I had been with a few other girls for a week or two but up till now at UVM (10/25/07 about this date... ) I just never had the same feelings towards a girl. We were hooking up for like 3 weeks... constant text messaging.. calling... and since we live in the same building we would see each other pretty often. So I was riding high for these 3 weeks feeling like I found a girl who was (not to sound cliche) perfect. So a weekend about 3 weeks from the start of the "relationship" she stops answering texts calls etc. She was in Boston with her two best friends at college for the weekend so I thought maybe she just was trying to have fun with them. So when she gets back from Boston I ask her what the deal was. She said that she just wanted to be friends etc... giving me the whole story about how she wanted to stop hooking up. I was in shock because she never even the slightest bit showed disinterest. So I just ate it... and went along with my life as usual. I was pretty depressed but I was just getting over it when 5 days go by. She then texts me saying how she was sorry if I she had hurt me etc and how to "be optimistic" about a possible getting back together. So then thanksgiving break ( a week) comes and we talk constantly over text message/phone again. I was feeling pretty confident about something good happening. So when we get back... expecting something good to happen she tells me that she just doesn't want a relationship and that she just wanted to be friends with me.. AGAIN!
At this point I'm just so confused. Why couldn't she have told me this sometime over break? Why did she have to come back the first time only to knock me down again. So now since we got back to school (11/27/07) all I think about is her. We are still friends and such like she asked me to go the library. So we went together for a while and we didn't get any work done because we would just talk. Every time I look at her in the eyes I just get this feeling of just "why can't this work out?" "She used to like me so much and i just dont know what happened..?" And I'm pretty sure she just doesn't have this same feelings towards me now. So I hooked up with another chick the other day and I just was thinking how I wished it was Jess. I just love everything about her... the way she talks... the way she moves... her style... her looks... her eyes... everything just seems so perfect about her. I just can't get out of this mental funk just thinking about her all the time. It is distracting the out of me and I can't study for finals and such. I sent her an email about how strong of feelings I had for her... and she understood. Basically something changed and now she just isn't feeling me like I'm feeling her. Im depressed about it and I need some guidance on what to do... Help?

I am of the thought that it might not be your problem.

Meaning, SHE doesn't want to commit to the same extent you do(or downright, CAN'T commit,for what ever reason)

Maybe she has another committed relationship 'back home'(you did say it is a freshman dorm, right?)Maybe she isn't totally understanding herself, new feelings of commitment can cause people to back off.(I ONLY SAY THIS FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE!)I back away and want it back all the time, I don't have an idea other than this, IF she is this way today,what would make her change or become the person you would like her to be, in a longterm relationship.

I am taking a few leaps here, but not so many as to throw you off track, this might be a wonderful human being, sounds like she is, when she is focused on you and the relationship.BUT when away from each other, what happens? Does she stray for a reason?Is the communication too much? maybe overwhelming? of is she looking for some kind of commitment from you? Drama? romance?

I can understand a few things, but further commentation from you will help,

Write back and let us know how this progresses,

Ken

Getting back to this problem... so I think it might be all over. Im 90 percent sure that she just started hooking up with someother guy. And its not like I can do anything about it... All I can do is move on... The only thing that could happen would be if she continues to "play the field" and then she realizes that the best thing that ever happened to her (me!) got let slip away. I don't know, I'm just upset about the whole thing... I need to move on and find someone new temporarily (or not?) Get back to me with more help...

I don't know how much of my post you comprehended?You didn't really address any of it.

Move on?He*l yes, the world has way too many futures to be stuck in one which has limits like this one does, Look for what you want and go for it, if the old relationship comes to pass, so be it, if not it was a live and learn process, not all bad as a freshman, right?

Try this at 30, or 40!

You are learning relationship values which will develop you for your future,same as classes,partying,and Sunday football games with your buddies.

Don't get stuck with only one possible future(one I see with little hope of success)Look for the next one and move forward.

Ken

Ken, your absolutely right man, everything you do is part of a learning experience. I think the main reason I am worrying about it is because the 4 girls who I was with for all short periods live in my building. I just have this feeling of being restricted in the girls I meet. Almost all of my friends live in my building. I feel like I have "used up" all my opportunities in my dorm and that it will be harder to meet girls in the other floors of my dorm because all the girls know I have been with a several of them. I know that the best people/relationships come from random meetings... friends of friends etc. Im just a little worried about who will be next. I hate not having a clear cut approach to the future... What do you think?

<SMILING

AHH the unknown...

Life on lifes' terms, not on your terms, we are rarely in control of our destiny( not religious talk,just theoretical)Accepting who,what,and how we deal with life is the answer.

So what, you've had a few in the dorm, how many are there?. Then you have 4 less than that to pick from.Enjoy your freedom,chose wisely, move ahead,that's what collage life is truly about(study notwithstanding)Being away from home, new friends,new experiences,new lovers, it's a major time of growth(kind of a rite of passage)

Why get hung-up on one who isn't responsive(or 10),Explore the possibilities (maybe she is doing this too?)Why Not? I ask.

Do you get my point?Move upward and onward, don't stay stale when there is so much life and learning to be done.

And remember,SAFE SEX!

KBC

I just want to say thanks for the quick response. It sounds like you have had some good experience in this department! (ha) I know your advice to "Move upward and onward, don't stay stale when there is so much life and learning to be done." is exactly what I need to do. It's just a matter of doing it. It not like it can be night and day. It takes time, esp. when I thought I felt something which felt so good. Anyway, its time to just let go. And let the learning experience run free haha.. one of my friends told me this:

"Dont let your emotions own you, own your emotions"

You think this is a good line? Or should emotion be able to get to you?
One other question, are you in the pay roll of this site? You seem like you really know what your doing!

"Don't let your emotions own you, own your emotions"

No, I beg to differ with this statement.

If we, as humans, are to grow, we need to be together with our emotions,a peaceful co-existence,serenity.Our emotions are ours and need ,for lack of a better word, embraced.

Can I live without breathing? Or sleep? Can I control either of them forever?BIG resounding NO.So why try, accepting them is the answer.Emotions are the same, just less tangible.

Does this mean become a woman,He*l NO(Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus)it just means ,don't underestimate the power of the emotion, it brings a man places unheard of in highschool(when we are developing) and through our collage years(when we are developing on a higher scale) till we know it all at 23:D... LMAO

But seriously, emotional growth doesn't end,until we try to control it,period.

And no, I am not on payroll here, just a little more life experience than a few writers,posting questions,all my advice is free( and sometimes wrong... HA)

Good luck with the women, and classes(which is more important is up to you)

KBC