It's been a month since my ex told me that he couldn't handle a relationship though he claimed to still love me. Well I run into him from time to time at work, and one day I could have sworn there was still something there between us. I could be wrong, but I think that when we broke up money might have been an issue. Either way, I definitely, know that he felt that he wasn't where he needed to be in life. When we were together, he had two jobs and worked 65 hours a week. His face was worn and his eyes were blood shot and life in general was very stressful. I encouraged him to take on easier jobs. Well, two weeks before we broke up he quit his second job. His decision. And he was going to start a business venture with my help, since I have expertise in this field. Anyway, we split up. And here he is with just his one job that just barely covers his bills. (rent, car, phone, gas.) So now, he barely makes enough. I mean, that doesn't include food!! Jobs are hard to come by around here, I'm having no luck myself looking for a second job myself. So I can imagine he is having the same amount of luck. I really don't think it would be appropriate for me to help him with this business venture since he broke up with me. I noticed he did make an effort which was good but he wasn't successful. But here's what I'm having problems with... since I do work near him, I am well aware that he can't even afford a coat and it gets below 20 degrees. And I also know when he doesn't eat because he can't afford it. I was eating lunch today, and it SICKENED me to think that he couldn't afford to eat. And here I was eating. What also adds to my devestation is the fact that he doesn't have anyone but 3 male relatives. (mother abandoned him and gram died.) And he doesn't freakin know how to take care of himself properly. I know most men don't anyway. And I'm not trying to be all motherly or anything. But god it looks like he's falling apart. And I know it's not my business. But I feel like I should do something. I know he would be too proud to ask for help. He would be too proud to even take something from me. I have a scarf and some mittens and I was tossing around the idea of sticking them in a box with a thrift store coat or something and sticking them on his porch at night. Or giving him a certificate for a grocery store. It's not about getting him back. I don't care about that. Some things are more important. And I don't know if it would be wrong to secretly do something for him. I DO NOT want him to ever find out it was me. My aunt is his boss. I don't know if I should have her talk to him or what. I know people will probably tell me to mind my own business but it's really effing hard.:( how do I help him, or should I look the other way?

There is nothing wrong with being a friend. I think that you should help him but if his pride is something that will get in the way of you helping him then there is nothing you can do. I understand how it feels to barely make ends meet, I myself work 2 jobs, and it gets hard. He needs some help, that's obvious, if he is willing to accept that I don't know. However you go about doing it just help the best you can.

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Originally Posted by leah0902

there is nothing wrong with being a friend. i think that you should help him but if his pride is something that will get in the way of you helping him then there is nothing you can do. i understand how it feels to barely make ends meet, i myself work 2 jobs, and it gets hard. he needs some help, thats obvious, if he is willing to accept that i dont know. however you go about doing it just help the best you can.

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I know for a fact that he would feel weird if I tried to help. First of all him being a guy with a lot of pride, and second of all because we broke up. And his current hardship isn't a way for me to re-enter into his life. So with that being said, I don't even want to "be his friend" so to speak. So I'm thinking that if I do this at all... he can't know it was me. So right now, I'm kind of wondering if I should even do anything.

He said he still loved you right? Did you two end on bad terms? Do you ever speak to him now? There are ways you have to deal with stubborn, proud men. You have to be stern and tell them you are doing this and that they are going to have to get over it. I went through this same thing with an ex friend of mine. I knew he was having a rough time money wise and couldn't afford food or gas. I just walked up to him and asked how he was doing? He told me fine like he always did. I handed him $20 and a grocery gift card for $25 and told him to spend it wisely. Before he could protest I told him to stop being a stubborn a$$hole and just take the money and that he needed it more than I did right now. I told him he could pay me back once he was back on his feet. I turned around and walked off. Did he use the money and gift card? Who knows. But I felt better for at least trying to help him. I'm sure if you did the same it would ease your mind as well. Good luck.

Since your aunt is his boss, why not discus your concerns with her? She really ought to know that her employee doesn't have enough to get by, despite working full time.

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Originally Posted by margarita_momma

He said he still loved you right? Did you two end on bad terms? Do you ever speak to him now? There are ways you have to deal with stubborn, proud men. You have to be stern and tell them you are doing this and that they are going to have to get over it. I went through this same thing with an ex friend of mine. I knew he was having a rough time money wise and couldn't afford food or gas. I just walked up to him and asked how he was doing? He told me fine like he always did. I handed him $20 and a grocery gift card for $25 and told him to spend it wisely. Before he could protest I told him to stop being a stubborn a$$hole and just take the money and that he needed it more than I did right now. I told him he could pay me back once he was back on his feet. I turned around and walked off. Did he use the money and gift card? Who knows. But I felt better for at least trying to help him. I'm sure if you did the same it would ease your mind as well. Good luck.

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I've talked to him twice since we've broken up. I get big smiles from him, and it seems that he still loves me. I don't know. I'm not sure if I want to know. Other than those two times, I DO NOT email, call, text. I don't really bug him at all. I think that he's depressed, I read that male depression is different than female depression. And I would assume that he was depressed. I don't know. I just think all of this--his hardship, depression, manly pride ties into the reasons we aren't together. Which to me is stupid, but to him isn't. And even if he wanted to get back together with me right now, he would talk himself out of it because he would feel like he has nothing to offer. This just sucks. Thank you for your words though.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

Since your aunt is his boss, why not discus your concerns with her? She really ought to know that her employee doesn't have enough to get by, despite working full time.

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She was supposed to walk over to my cubicle today because I told her I wanted to discuss something with her. But my stupid co-worker was chit-chatting my ear off and I didn't get to talk to my aunt. I will tomorrow. Thank you.

Bless your heart, give him an early Christmas gift... anonymously.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Bless your heart, give him an early Christmas gift.....................anonymously.

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:) Yes, it will definitely be anonymous.

I've made up my mind. I'm going to do it.

I just want to give an update on this.

I made a nice care package for my ex and his brother. I wanted to give it to the both of them because I didn't want him to think it was directed souly at him. Because then he would know it was from me. In the package was a coat, scarf, and gloves from him. Plus a mini fiberoptic Christmas tree and a gift certificate for Wegman's for the both of them. The night that I was getting it ready... my car broke down. Thank God I didn't drive it there because I would have wound up broken down in his driveway!! How mortifying would that be? Anyway, so there I was... with all this money invested into this care package. With LITTLE money to spend on my car to get fixed. It was horrible, because I know he needs this. He's went down hill. He admitted to my aunt he was depressed. And he's been really sick lately missing lots of work. Anyway... I finally got my car fixed. $736. I actually got it back yesterday. So this morning I got up at 4am to deliver his package. I was going to stick it on the hood of his car right before he went to work.

But when I got there... his car wasn't there. I was wondering if he moved, if his car was broken down, if he *gasp* was seeing someone and didn't sleep at home anymore, which really wasn't his style anyway. I didn't know what to do... I mean, here I am sitting with this package in my car, and I have no idea how to give it to him.

Turns out... his car broke down too. Same problem as mine!! Head gasket. Except... he has no money to get it fixed. Turns out he has a loaner car, which I actually saw in his drive way. So it looks like I have to put this all on hold another day.

So yeah, I've had a few setbacks, but I'm determined to help him. He's not doing so hot. :(

Oh and P.S. I was freaking out to my aunt who told me his car was in the shop. That's the only way I know. I've gone no contact for 19 days. With the exception of passing him one day and saying hi.

Bless your heart. The world needs more people like you. It's too bad that men's false pride sometimes really gets in the way and wish there were a better solution for the both of you because I know you still care.
Lots of hugs, dear and Happy Holidays despite those setbacks.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

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Originally Posted by Chery

Bless your heart. The world needs more people like you. It's too bad that men's false pride sometimes really gets in the way and wish there were a better solution for the both of you because I know you still care.
Lots of hugs, dear and Happy Holidays dispite those setbacks.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

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Thank you so much, that means a lot. :)

My aunt (his boss) told me he finally admitted he was depressed. Which I assumed anyway. It's a shame the things that stand between people.

Lots of hugs and Happy Holidays to you as well!

Update:

Well this morning was almost a setback. I woke up at 4:15 and headed on down the road to where he lives. He lives across the street from a grocery store, and the parking lot was empty so I decided to park in a stall and wait 10 minutes because it was really early. Well a stupid work van pulled in, and the person was sitting there, like they were waiting on a job or something. And I started freaking out, because I didn't want to put this big box next to my ex's car and have this worker see me... and maybe take it. Because he was right across the road from it.

So I drove around a while until the van FINALLY left. But THE EXACT MOMENT I pulled into the grocery store parking lot, my ex's brother pulled into their driveway because he must have forgotten something on the way to work!! OMG... I was freakin out!! At this point I thought I was totally not supposed to give him this gift after all.

The weird thing is... if that work van wasn't there, I would have been in my ex's drive way dropping off the present the same time his brother arrived. How embarrassing would that be? Anyway, his brother left and I pulled across the street and propped it next to his loaner vehicle.

I decided that after I go get gas, that I would drive by his house to see if the box was touched. Just as I'm driving by his place, (bare in mind it's dark) I see him with his back to the road. I think it was him. LOL. I hope so. And he was looking at the box.

In order to get to the highway, I had to turn back around and go past again. And I was hoping he didn't see me. On the way past, his back was still to the road thankfully he didn't see me drive by, and he was opening the box!!

Operation Ho Ho Ho complete.

I got to work, and naturally, I thought he would have told his boss (my aunt.) But he hadn't mentioned it. Weird.

I hope it was him that got it. I'm 99% sure it was. Maybe he was embarrassed. I don't know. I signed the package from his father so he wouldn't be ashamed thinking it was from a concerned citizen or a nosey ex. Lol. It was dark out, and though he probably saw the bag inside the box containing his coat, gloves, and scarf, I don't know if he saw the gift certificate and the letter I taped to the Christmas tree box inside. I also hope he didn't see me put it next to his car. That would be mortifying.

Oh well, either way... I did what I could. If he mentions anything to my aunt I will post another update.

Just an update. He never mentioned anything to my aunt. So he might have figured it was from me or he's embarrassed or who knows what goes on in his mind. Regardless... mission accomplished.