I just found out that my 14 yr old had sex. My heart is broken because she always promised she would wait till marriage. I feel like she lied to me and betrayed my trust. I'm not sure what to do. Take her to a doctor - Yes! But punishment? The damage is done. Please advise!

That is a very young age,. but you must understand that something made her want to do it. Whether its rebelling against her parents, or giving in to desireS?
Hmm.. its still not normal.. its just too young! You should sit her down and talk to her about everything going on in her life. Maybe she did it because she felt obligated to, maybe she was forced to do it, maybe she doesn't feel like she gets enough male attention, or maybe she wants to be "old" and sex is something :older" people do.
You should just talk to her and perhaps impose stricter rules - curfew? So she's not out late having sex. Get her under control so that this doesn't turn into something more

Getting her a medical exam is a good idea. Other than that, some heart-to-heart communication is in order. Talk to her and find out what's going through her mind. Educate her to the dangers of premature sex ; STDs, unplanned pregnancy, not to mention the emotional damage that results from casual sexual relations.

To Russian, IT IS NORMAL, sadlly but true. In a 1970 study, 50% of teens had sex while in high school, and those numbers have increased dramatically.

You don't want to punish her, because then she may not tell you next time.

If she got no diseases and is fine, just strongly urge her to be more safe, and at least use protection.

Like my teacher told me, you can't prevent a teen from havign sex, but you can change how they do it. (He's referring to protection)

Just be more alert of who she is with and maybe have a curphew. But you need to talk to her and relate to her, because you should be able to remember what it was like, and imagine now where you actually look dumb if you are a virgin. And I know she is only 14, but that doesn't mean anything. When I was in 8th grade, just about every girl I new had sex or did something sexual.

Yes a doctor but think back to when you were young mabey she did that for school problems felt no one liked her and that shell never get married she probably needs to have a mother friend talk you know talk to hher like friend

I can't stress this enough.EDUCATE HER!! I had sex at that age too and no one talked to me about it and I ended up 16 and pregnant. Punishment didn't work for me. If I would have known about everything I would have thought twice. Good luck

I agree with above you need to teach her not control her she will just do it behind your back and end up in trouble.

Also tell her of the emotional pain she can cause herself ---falling in love with someone and they might be just using her, etc...
Studies have shown that the more partners a person has the more emotional and psychological difficulties they will have in a good committed relationship.

Keep her with you 24/7 when possible... she lost her right to freedom.
She lost her rights, why should you have to worry about her becoming pregnant or getting a disease. How dare that child!

Getting her examined is a must. Although it's tempting to lock her up and throw away the key, that would just push her away, and probably make things worse. I understand you're hurt and disapointed, I saw the look on my mom's face when she found out that I had sex, but freaking out isn't going to do either of you any good. I'm sure she's heard of all the efects that Sex (premarital or no) can cause... but she's young and I'm sure she doesn't understand the big pic. Of what could happen. Sit her down talk to her. As much as I hate to say it, Obviously like any teen if she wants to have sex, there's always a way to get around parents... honestly as much as it hurts it would be better for her to know that you're there and what kind of percations she needs to take to protect herself if she insists on having sex. After my mom found out there have been times when I wished I could have talked to her about things... had her put me on birth control, or even bought me condoms... but I was so afraid of what she would do that I didn't even seriously think about talking to my mom about it. But I wish I could have.

I would take her to the health department and have ever STD test possible done as well as a pelvic exam and pregnancy test. Get every pamphlet you can find on STD's ,teen pregnancy etc. Then sit down with her and have your own mother daughter sex ed session. Between the visit to the public health department and being forced to talk to her mother about sex, that should be punishment enough for now. Make sure she understands what she did portray your trust and it will take a lot to earn it back. Be careful though not to totally alienate her. You want to keep the communication open. I think I might consider letting the boys parents know their son had sex with your daughter.

I completely agree with bushg, have her volunteer at those places, and let her babysit. I'm 24, and whenever I think about having sex/kids I babysit one of my friend's kids, or talk to them (cos they're all single moms) about what its like, and then (miraculously) the feeling of wanting that goes away. You should educate her on all the effects sex can have. Good luck to you!

How can you punish a girl for doing something natural if you never did what she did she would never been born

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Originally Posted by younglady13

how can you punish a girl for doing something natural if you never did what she did she would never been born

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BECAUSE SHE'S 14 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!

Do any of you know the risks involved with a child of 14 who becomes pregnant? The risks to the fetus and the risks to the teen are tremendous and some are life threatening.

As for STDs this is a very graphic website, do not enter unless you have a very strong stomach, THIS IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART, but one of our health departments uses these pictures when educating their clients about STDs.

STD Pictures and Photos

I agree with a lot of the information that you have received above but there is one thing that you have to understand her young brain has not yet developed to understand all of the pitfalls of having sex. So I think what you need to do now is to educate her by telling her all of the she needs to know about having a baby, the fact that she would loose her teenage years. Tell her about all of the responsibilities of feeding, housing, keeping the baby in clothes. Then now that you know that she is not capable of being responsible I think it is time that you get her some kind of birth control. I know this sounds like you are endorsing her to have sex but I feel like that is much better than bringing a baby into the world to be raised by a baby herself, and no father around, or to be raised by the grandparents Good Luck to you.

You can't lock your kids up, but you can put restrictions on them. I'm not saying this is true in your case, but I am often amazed at how surprised some parents are that their kids are having sex, when the young ones are allowed to date, go anywhere without your checking up in them and give them too much freedom.
You've got to be the "mean parents" Say No! To a lot of stuff they have no business doing in the first place. They don't go anyplace unless you take them, if they go to a friends house, get a verbal OK from the other parent. Stay vigilant. It takes time and work, but it's worth it and it's really our job as parents.

That's horrible if my parents did that to me I would want to run away

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Originally Posted by younglady13

how can you punish a girl for doing something natural if you never did what she did she would never been born

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I am assuming the parent was an adult when she conceived her. There is a BIG difference between 14 year olds having sex and adults.
If this 14 year old gets pregnant, who is to take care of her and that child?
If a responsible adult gets pregnant, they are at least employed, are taking care of themselves and can take care of a child.
Aside from that, just because something is "natural" to do, does not mean it is to be done irresponsibly and without restriction. What a world this would be if we all just did what came natural without any thought of repercussion or responsibility.

I meant that she shouldn't be punished yet explained to why she shouldn't do that until older and anyway what's your recommended age for sex

Well 14 certainly isn't. I don't thnik you should even date. At 14. I did not have sex until I was married at 23.
I think if you cannot handle the consequenses that may come about such as pregancy, if you have no job, no way to support a child, have not completed HS, if you are not old enough to get married, you should not be having sex.