Ask Me Help Desk - His Past Haunts Me...

I am 20 years old for over a year and we have had our good times and bad. The minute I met him - I knew he was it for me. Only six months into our relationship, we got engaged. Ive always known that he had a wild past. Hes a biker and hung out with a wild crowd. I was always a loner - I still am a loner. I don't need a crowd to have fun. Hes also had a very colorful sexual past. He lived with a girl for close to a year who was, for lack of better terminology, a slut. She slept with close to 30 guys. My fiancé is the only guy I've been with. Im always thinking about: 1. She was probably much better in the sack than me due to experience and 2. On our last vacation my fiancé informed me that he kept sleeping with her way past their break up - even until she was married. So - she was a cheating slut. On his birthday this year, she showed up at our house. She saw my car there and left but left a note on his car saying "oh i was thinking about you." She's obviously still wanting him. Its not that I don't trust him - I don't trust this situation.
He always wants me to go out with his friends. His friends - bikers, girls showing their tits, booze, etc. I like motorcycles, I like the occasional drink, but like I said before, I don't need a group. He has several friends who outright don't like me because "I changed him" and "I dont want to go out with them." He changed on his own, and definitely for the better. And I don't go out with them because I'm constantly reminded of his "wild past."
I feel like he's pushing me to be something Im not. Am I dwelling too much on the past? Am I pushing him away?
I know I love him - he means everything to me. But I am to the point where I feel like the battle doesn't need to be fought anymore.

Okay stop beating the guy up about his past 1st thing. Its not like he was going out with you back then or cheating on you. Personally his friends are jealous because he's got a good woman and all they can get are useless little you know what's. Give the guy a chance. Did you talk to him about the ex girlfriend and her little note. You got to let this girl know that next time she wants to leave your man any notes or even think about your man then you will be glad to make a dental appointment with her teeth and your fist. If you got to in order to make things better move somewhere that these people can't ruin your lives. And another thing, sleeping with 30 guys doesn't make her better in bed. It makes her a what you said.

I know of a friend, she was a loner, didn't need friends or the crowd. She met a guy from a different environment, background and they were complete opposites. To make a long story short, he had been engaged in some unsavory activity before they met, and continued his ways while they were together. Well, he wasn't really good @ separating "HIS" world from his relationship. Her and her children were in the bed sleeping one night, and awoke to the task force forcing in her front door w/ a baddering ram. High powered rifles aimed @ her and her children. They didn't want her, they wanted him. She has every right in this world to be concerned about his past. If it somehow jeopardizes her. Because of his sexual past she needs to be concerned about HIV, because of the crowd that he hangs around she should also be concerned about criminal activity, the fact that he continued to sleep with a engaged woman does not say a whole lot about HIS character. I have seen good women change a man but the chances of that are very slim. If it does not feel right, and it doesn't look right then she should run. Give him the chance that you say he deserves but if you should get into a situation that you would not ordinarially encounter if it were not for him, what would you do then? Keep your guards up and be aware and cautious. People do change. So if you feel he deserves a chance, then give him one but keep your eyes and ears open.
Good Luck!

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Originally Posted by crankiebabie

Okay stop beating the guy up about his past 1st thing. Its not like he was going out with you back then or cheating on you. Personally his friends are jealous because hes got a good woman and all they can get are useless little you know whats. Give the guy a chance. Did you talk to him about the ex girlfriend and her little note. You got to let this girl know that next time she wants to leave your man any notes or even think about your man then you will be glad to make a dental appointment with her teeth and your fist. If you got to in order to make things better move somewhere that these people can't ruin your lives. And another thing, sleeping with 30 guys doesnt make her better in bed. It makes her a what you said.

Violence is never the answer, it could also mark up her criminal background and destroy her chances of getting good employment and kill her future. A sl** in the street is not worth damaging the rest of her future for.

Everyone has a past, but you shouldn't let your man's past affect your future with him. The more you think about his past with his ex girlfriend, it will strain your relationship. If you trust your man, then I don't think there's any reason to be concerned about his ex. You need focus on yourself and increase your awareness. When you feel better about yourself, it will have a positive effect on your relationship.

Well maybe letmeno is right about the violence thing( I'm a little hot blooded when it comes to protecting mine) and is he still hanging around those same group of people? Are they trying to influence him into doing things that aren't healthy? I know its hard to let go of friends you have known forever but all he needs to have a talk with his friends about respecting you and so forth and if they are his true friends then they will listen to him. Believe me I have in some way dealt with your situation except I think maybe your man will care enough to do what makes you happy. I hope.

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Originally Posted by crankiebabie

Well maybe letmeno is right about the violence thing( im a little hot blooded when it comes to protecting mine) and is he still hanging around those same group of people? Are they trying to influence him into doing things that arent healthy? I know its hard to let go of friends you have known forever but all he needs to have a talk with his friends about respecting you and so forth and if they are his true friends then they will listen to him. Believe me i have in some way dealt with your situation except i think maybe your man will care enough to do what makes you happy. I hope.

I agree crankiebabie, I have a short fuse myself, but you always have to look @ the long term consequences of every action. He does need to talk to his friends about "laying off of his woman" that is indeed his place. If she feels as if he does deserve a chance then she should give him one but @ the same time always be aware and be cautious. His past should not be held against him but it should always be taken into consideration.

Everyone has a past - I know after my ex I was pretty screwed up and did things I wished I hadn't but that's only because I did not really know what I was doing. But I would not want anyone judging on my past. It's who I am today that counts - not who I was back then. Things are not always what they seem.

My boyfriend Pete knows about everything and he does not judge me for it. I know certain things he has done in his past and I don't judge him for it. At the end of the day we were younger back then. I personally was having a hard time and couldn't cope.

But that was then and this is now. Your bloke really should not care what his friends think of you and if he cares would stand up for you no matter what. If his friends really are friends then they will accept you because you are his girlfriend - if they can't then they are not even worth knowing - but you have to let your partner make that decision for himself. No one can tell anyone what to do - but there is no harm in just being honest with him about how you feel and how they make you feel. At least then he can understand where your coming from.

I realize that I cannot hold his past against him, but it is so hard when it is constantly thrown in my face. And I would love to call this exgirlfriend about the note, and then call her husband. But do I look like a fool then? I know it would make me feel better, but my fiancé will probably be like, "oh you dont trust me you can't get over this." But in reality, I'm just getting over it in my own way. Im not a violent person, but I have a temper. It takes a long time to make me mad, but I'm to the point where I will doa nything just to feel okay. All of his ex girlfriends are/were trash. He'll admit that. But then why does he feel the need to keep pictures of them? Christmas Cards from them? Is he that hesitant to through away remnants of his wild past?

The stress of work, my relationship, and my family have pushed me to start seeing a shrink. I don't know what to do anymore.

You really need to chill - it sounds like you have an awful lot going on in your life, lots of stress etc. Its all mounting up so high that everything is starting to get to you. This is why everything seems so hard & confusing. You need to deal with one issue at a time and put things in perspective. I have been in your position and I know exactly how you feel. You really need to take some time out for yourself - all this worry and stress will only make you ill as it did me once upon a time. I was very ill all through stress. You need to relax more. Have a nice long hot bubble bath later; even put some chilled out background music on and unwind it works for me every time.

I would love to call this exgirlfriend about the note, and then call her husband. But do I look like a fool then? I know it would make me feel better, but my fiance will probably be like, "oh you dont trust me you can't get over this."

Don't do this - this will only make things 100 time worse and you will only regret it. You need to think about things like this before you act upon them. You are only going to piss your boyfriend off and what's more you will stir up trouble between his ex and her husband - this will only come back on you and in the end you could be seen as a bit of a trouble maker.

Or his ex could be doing this just to get at you and winde you up (Yes people can be really cruel) if you rise to this she will have a laugh at your expense and know she has the power to do anything - this will only lead to you and you boyfriend spliting up. That's the danger when others start medling in your lives - but the trick is to sit back and say to yourself - I am not bothered, me and my man are happy and solid as a rock nothng will come between us and just ignore it. I personally know that nothing or none could ever come between Pete and I. If people want to medal in my life, they can go right ahead and try - they obviously have too much time on their hands and nothing better to do. If anyone ever did come between Pete and I then we were obviously not meant to be in the first place.

All of his ex girlfriends are/were trash. He'll admit that. But then why does he feel the need to keep pictures of them? Christmas Cards from them? Is he that hesitant to through away remnants of his wild past?

One of my ex's was a total areshole. He ripped my heart out and stamped on it 100 times over - but even with that he was still a part of my life once and we did have some good times in the beginning. I still have pictures of him and presents that he once gave me. I keep them in a box. I will never throw them away! It's not because I miss him and want him back but purely because I don't want to forget. My ex (in a funny kind of way) has had a great impact on my life and having been through the hardship it has done me the world of good. I have become a really strong person, I can spot arseholes a mile off and I can get through almost anything on my own.

I have laid all of the horrible things that happened to me in my past to rest - However I have chosen to hold on to fond memories and that is something no one can ever take away from me. I can also reflect on how I thought I loved my ex, but he had to break my heart for me to discover what true love really is. (Lucky for me that is happening) It's not about rubbing it in my partners face or holding on to something that might be again it's about me!

I have grown as a person and if it had not been for him coming into my life and doing all those things then I would not be any wiser than I was at 18yrs old. I would not be so lucky to have all the things that I do have now. I have self respect, self worth and above all I am really happy - but it took pain and heartache to get me here, to truly understand.

Everyone has their own personal reasons for keeping keepsakes from past relationships. Your boyfriend is not trying to rub it in your face at all.

There is always a valid explanation to things like this! You really need to let this anger go - it really is not the way to deal with a situation like this. Plus you have to accept him for who he is and his friends are a part of that. It's all about making sacrifices and compromises. I get on like a house on fire with my boyfriends mates (I am quite the social butterfly though) but there are one or two I dislike, my boyfriend knows this, but he also knows I am willing to dine in their company for him and I am not going to make an issue about it.

I hope all of that makes sense.

You may feel that you love him now but from your post it doesn't sound like the two of you are really all that compatible. It just sounds like the two of you come from different worlds. How happy would the two of you really be spending the rest of your lives with each other? I'd give it some serious thought. It'd be a real shame to waste a lot of years with this guy when you could have been with someone with whom you are truly compatible. I really can't say 'yes' or 'no' to the whole situation right now but do think about it. You also might want to give some serious thought to crankiebabie's suggestion about relocating if you decide that you want to stay together. That'll give the both of you a fresh start and could also be a litmus test of his sincerity. After all, if he's not willing to move away with you, then he really doesn't love you all that much and you're not a real priority in his life. It may be unpleasant to find out such things but now is the time to find out.