I am 27 and have been married for 4years now. My husband was after me before the wedding. A lot of guys were. But I said yes to him since he was properly settled and had a good family background. After marriage, he was romantic for about a month and that month too he was very very ill. After that month till now.. he has been showing a lot of disinterest in me... our relationship is almost platonic (we have sex once or twice a year and that too sans emotions) He doesn't compliment me on my looks, he doesn't look at me with interest... no acts of intimacy whatsoever. We don't have kids either. But other than that he's okay... doesn't abuse, works hard, takes me out on weekends and buys me whatever I want.

I confronted him a number of times about this but he doesn't answer, if I insist on getting a reply he gets angry and says everything's fine, I am just tired. If it's once in a while I can understand but it's been like this all the time. We sought help from counseling too. But that's of no use.

I cry a lot and he says he understands what he's doing to me and then he says "Shall we go out for dinner" and I say "no" and that's it, he leaves me crying there for days.

When I say this to my mother she says,
"He's a very good person, he doesn't have any bad habits and he doesn't abuse you or torture...he's very adjusting and a calm type. It takes time for a couple to understand each other. Having less sex is almost a common problem among every couple.Even if you get a divorce and marry someother guy, he'll have someother negative quality which could bother you even more than this. So you better adjust with him."

Is that true? So I am confused about what to do... Please advise and help. I request with folded hands... please give me a proper advise.

You said "I said yes to him since he was properly settled and had a good family backround" What about love??
I don't agree with what your mother said. If you are unhappy and so is he, then end it.

Actually we are Indians... we mostly have arranged marriages. Ours is one. He liked me and parents liked him so I too agreed. Love happens only after marriage in our society.

He is most likely getting out of the marriage what he wants, nothing more, nothing else. To him most likely buying you things, being good to you, not beating you, is showing you love, that is most likely what he was taugh by his dad, and what you mom got used to and found it may be years and years for love to come (if it ever does) Mutual putting up with each other is often about what you have in arrranged marriages and each party is expected to do their roles and be as happy as possible

I admit I cannot really understand your position since arranged marriages are not a common concept to me.

However, I do feel for you. It must be difficult to have these issues, especially at your young age.

Have you tried connecting with him as friends? Simple gestures such as talking about your day, life events, hopes and dreams? Maybe you could approach him with a "fresh" attitude as if you were just starting to get to know each other?
Try to engage in something that interests you both. Go on a date to a movie, theater, sporting event, etc. and try to focus your attention on him in a purely positive way. Anything that might help you bridge the communication gap so you can talk to him about your relationship. When you do talk, try to remain calm and ask him questions without a judgmental tone (difficult to do when you're upset). This might also help.

I know it can be hard when you're upset. Being the one to move forward is never easy, but it's a sacrifice we all have to make sometimes. When my husband does something that upsets me, I try to be the one to go to him and reconnect. I may need an hour to calm down, but eventually, I'll go to him and hold his hand, or give him a kiss. That's usually all it takes to improve our moods and help resolve a conflict.

Good luck!

Find happiness within yourself by doing the things you enjoy without your husband, and within the traditional structure of your culture. Hobbies and friends, and maybe your happiness will touch his heart. I do not agree with arranged marriages or marrying for status, or having a lifemate chosen for one, but who am I to judge. Good Luck.

Tanuser,

As Fr. Chuck states above, your husband may be very content in his own world. Remember, please that he is his own person and as such, may not have the same sexual appetite as you do. There may be absolutely no slight of you going on in his mind. Please relax.

Instead of overt moves on your part, slip back into the modes you used during the "Chase". Often time it's little things such as the knowing and wanting smiles or watching you look out at the ocean with your hair blowing in the wind. Instead of resulting to anger, try confusing him with romance.

Hang a sign inside the house that tells him if he can find you he can have you. Get some whole artichokes and place them on his place at the table and let him know that they are handy to have when "Love" is in the air. Tell him what it means to you to still be wanted by him, please use your own words.

Low key is the way to go if he is reticent. Look at him as the challenge and that this is a reverse chase, so to speak.

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Originally Posted by tanuser

I am 27 and have been married for 4years now. My husband was after me before the wedding. A lot of guys were. But I said yes to him since he was properly settled and had a good family background. After marriage, he was romantic for about a month and that month too he was very very ill. After that month till now..he has been showing a lot of disinterest in me...our relationship is almost platonic (we have sex once or twice a year and that too sans emotions) He doesn't compliment me on my looks, he doesn't look at me with interest....no acts of intimacy whatsoever. We don't have kids either. But other than that he's okay...doesn't abuse, works hard, takes me out on weekends and buys me whatever I want.

I confronted him a number of times about this but he doesn't answer, if I insist on getting a reply he gets angry and says everything's fine, I am just tired. If it's once in a while I can understand but it's been like this all the time. We seeked help from councelling too. But that's of no use.

I cry a lot and he says he understands what he's doing to me and then he says "Shall we go out for dinner" and I say "no" and that's it, he leaves me crying there for days.

When I say this to my mother she says,
"He's a very good person, he doesn't have any bad habits and he doesn't abuse you or torture...he's very adjusting and a calm type. It takes time for a couple to understand each other. Having less sex is almost a common problem among every couple.Even if you get a divorce and marry someother guy, he'll have someother negative quality which could bother you even more than this. So you better adjust with him."

Is that true? So I am confused about what to do.....Please advise and help. I request with folded hands...please give me a proper advise.

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I have friends who are going through the same thing and only one of them seems to have found a solution to her problem. I have had numerous of conversations with my best friend and she decided to pray and ask God for help. Well at first it seemed like her prayers weren't being answered but then one day someone told her to work on her. She didn't quite understand but found out that she was the one who has changed. She began to gain weight and was not as energetic as she used to be. She made herself too available to her husband and he got bored with her. So she started working out at the gym and volunteering in the community and her husband started to miss her. She even started going to church and got involved in different ministries and would come home and tell her husband about all the fun the married couples were having together. He eventually went with her and met some wonderful couples and they all get together once a month and do different things like travel or dinner or just go out for drinks.

I'm not saying that this is your answer but maybe if you make him miss you a little bit then he might have something to look forward to. Just a suggestion!

Another thing is he might just be starting to be set in his ways and nothing you do will change that.

I'm a young male indian adult. My rents were arranged marriage. Id never get an arranged marriage even though my parents want me too. I could never do that. For me I will still only date mallu christian indians. Just because I want who ever I bring home to be respected by my parents at the sametime. My girlfriend also is a mallu christian indian. And we've been dating for 3 years now. A lot of my indian friends my generation don't like the arranged marriage idea because we see all our parents who have taken up arranged marriage. Out of my many many indian friends I have I only know 2 indian girls who will still only do arranged marriage still. The rest of us have changed. A lot of our parents are slowly willing to accept it too as long as it's the same type of indian and so on. My parents have not yet... but the rest of my uncles and aunts have.

we indian kids see how tough it is on our parents who have had arranged marriages.. I have over heard my aunt complain about similar things as you.

you just have to talk to you him. Did you guys grow up in the US or India?
and neither of you have ever been with anyone else in the past?
the one thing I do value in arranged marriages is how strong you are to each other to never leave each other.

its really is his fault. He reminds me of my dad, he just doesn't know how to treat a girl.

please do respond to this because I really do understand for the most part about what your going though. I see it all the time with my parents and other families who have an arranged marriage. And I think you should fix it for the most part before you have kids. Because I will tel you it is a disappointment to all us indian kids when we see our parents who had arranged marriages act like that.