On December 15, 2006 my daughter, Chloe Leigh, was born in Washington. She was by far the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. I knew from that moment on I would give my life to make sure she had the kind of life I didn't and I did everything I could to be the best dad I could be. Month after Month the time went by making my love for her grow only stronger. Every time I could hold her and listen to her laugh I knew this was a reason for living. Then on April 21, 2007 the most painful, horrifying nightmare I could imagine happened. I had to hold my daughter as she lay limp and dead in my arms. Her once beautiful face blue and cold as ice. I watched my whole family break apart and tear there hearts out trying to find a way to fix the only thing I really had left in my life. Not to say I didn't have my family, but I have led a life many would never understand let alone comprehend. I had her and she was an angel who reminded me that love was real and existed in myself. I remember every detail down to the feel of the warm air against my cold skin.
And now we come up on what should be my little baby's 12 month birthday. Everyone just seems to look past and not even see the pain that I go through. Indeed I am a master at hiding all my emotions and true feelings. But on the flip side of that comment. What makes this even worse, my 24 birthday in on Dec. 1, her 1 year on Dec. 15, Christmas on the 25, and then her mother's birthday is on April 06 and she passed away on April 21.
And I don't even know why I am writing on here, I can only tell you as I write this that my heart feels shattered and I don't even know how I deal with it from day to day. Everyone that knows or talks about it says how amazing I have handled this, if they only knew what tears feel like when they can't come out there eye's.
Then recently I was hit by a car as a pedestrian and have been unable to work for almost a month now and I will not be returning when my birthday comes around, so all I have been able to do is sit around and look at her urn on my mantle and think of ways I could have changed it all, how I could have been a better father.
How do I come back from this? I am so far behind finacially that it has stopped being a "I'll get to those bills next month." Her insurance walked away from the death saying that there was a clause that didn't require them to pay because we were visiting in OR and she passed away from SIDS. I have been off for a month so I am now behind in all my important bills.

I feel like I am just complaining on here. This is the first time in 5 months that I have written or said anything about it anywhere.

RIP CHLOE LIEGH
12/15/06 to 04/21/07
May you watch over us all!

Kenny

I cannot begin to comprehend all your sadness - you have been and still going through incredible sorrow. Has there been anyone you can talk to? A pastor, a close friend, a rehab counselor, a grief counselor, anyone?

You are not complaining. My goodness, no. You need to be able to put all this down and share with people who will do their best to provide encouragement and prayer for you. One thing I will say, it honestly does no good to think about what you could have changed. I went through that with both my parent's death. I don't know why all this happened to you. Trials and sorrows are supposed to make us stronger. There are times when we cannot see that. There are times I have yet to see that.

Are you hooked up with any services for yourself? You were hit by a car, are you going to get some settlement to help you out? There are lawyers that would take a case like that, since they get a percent of the settlement. Can you get any assistance from medicaid or Social Services (food stamps)?

Don't know what else to say except you are in my prayers. May there be healing in your body and your spirit.

I make too much money to get any assistance from anyone really. I will recover from that I know for sure. I don't want this to come across or out the wrong way. I'm not always good with expressing what I mean. I have sought counseling in the past and every time it turns out the same way. It dredges up the pain and digs it deeper and deeper until I close myself off. I have always been the best listener in the world and have helped so many people in my life. And I know what words of encourage mean from people who haven't experienced the kind of pain of losing family, child, or loved one.
I do talk with one person. Someone I know I can trust and has been through the same thing I am going through, just 20 years before me. And she is still wakes up every night in pain knowing her son will ever be there again.

Thank you for responding.

Always,

Kenny

When you get to that point in counseling where you begin to shut down, please consider pushing through one time. But it takes a well qualified therapist to guide you through it all. There are times to go forward and times to stay and times to go back and re evaluate. Actually a psychologist would be better suited for this. But I am only suggesting. It is your call.

Am glad you have a trusted friend. We all need that person.

Oh, Kenny, I am so sorry for your loss. It is so terrible to lose a child, even more so when you don't know the actual cause.

This is a terrible time of year for those of us who have lost loved ones recently, even under the best of circumstances.

Please, whatever you do, do not blame yourself. SIDS is a terrible thing that us as parents tend to blame ourselves. What could we have done differently? When there is nothing you could have done differently, sometimes these things happen and we have no control over them.

I have to ask if you are in a support group? If not, you most certainly should be, and they are free.

If getting out and about is a problem. There are online support groups such as this one.

Support Groups @ griefnet.org

Please try to get yourself some help. I know it's hard for men to show their emotions sometimes, but it is necessary to get past this point.

I wish you peace through this tough time in your life.

Kenny;

First and foremost I am sorry for your loss... I too lost someone very dear to me last year. My sister was murdered in Sacramento California. Now the pain is REAL... the only way to get through this is to take it one day at a time... one moment at a time. When the tears come you let them fall, when laughter comes you laugh. But most of all put all you have in the hands of your maker. Remember GOD is the truth the way and the light. GOD was the only one that saved me from the intense pain that I was going through. GOD just wants you to talk to him. He is there with you at this moment, at this time. Just ask him for help. Pull your bible or just sit there and talk to him. You will be in my prayers. Again I am so sorry for your loss.

Roremy :(

Kenny, I don't really know what to say, other than I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine if something happened to my daughter. Reading your words and feeling the pain that is coming out of them, I cry for you.
I hope that sharing your thoughts with us will bring you some sort of relief if only for a moment.
I don't know if it would help to talk about your daughter, what your fondest memories are - but if you want to tell us about her, we would love to listen.

Kenny,
I read your words with tears streaming down my face... I don't have any words that can relieve your heart any suffering or sadness but I did connect with your pain. I am amazed by your fortitude and your ability to put your feelings down to relate to others. IT is in fact the most difficult thing to do and the most healthy. April 21st.. I can't tell you what I felt when I read that.. it hit me hard because I too lost on that day, my friends in a plane crash.. it is torture every month, every milestone, every holiday. It brings you back into another world of living, of when they were here. TO relive every moment and then wonder what you could have, should have, might have done different, to change what happened. You know rationally, there was nothing but your heart and soul don't want to hear that and your mind goes crazy.. I don't know the magnitude or depth of losing a child and I don't ever want to.. but I have learned more about love and loss this year, than I have in my whole life. I think you have survived the most painful and horrific experience anyone could ever endure and you are left here.. with nothing but memories. Yet, somewhere inside you, you had the strength to reach out.. to let someone try to connect with and I feel that I have.
I don't have any answers. I can tell you I got very angry and frustrated when people mentioned therapy and I didn't want to get help. Actually, I didn't. I have reached out to other people, on here and started some very deep posts about my feelings on losing them on that day.. I made progress on here and became more open and aware of everything I was feeling. It didn't make it better, but it gave me a place to put everything. I couldn't talk everyday with the people around me about it, I have felt very displaced, detached from everything and slowly I crumbled... BUT.. I am finding new strengths.. even through this.. and YOU are too. That is why I felt I had to respond. YOU are so open with your heart, that is something many people aren't capable of doing, it is a gift.. but its also tough. Your emotions run deep and your love for Chloe is insurmountable.. . I want you to know.. it never ends. YOUR connection with her as your father.. never ends. She is with you and will always be with you. NOt in the way you want, or the way it could have been, but this is the way it is.. Her existence is different now, but I do believe her spirit does go on.. I didn't believe that ever in my life, as much as I do now.
The bills, the accident, the time at home alone reflecting.. is the reason you were capable of writing finally.. This is the beginning of a renewed spirit. YOu will be nostalgic and want to be with her and think of her on every special occasion but you have to allow yourself to realize.. YOU are with her.. every time you think of her.. she is with you. Allow your spirit to feel that and know her love for you is just as strong.. it goes beyond space and time..
I believe that she wanted you to take the time to feel all of it, and share it with others.. to realize her love and connection with you.. I am not trying to sound like I am someone who knows everything. IN fact, the more I know, them more I realize I don't really know much.
BUT I do know that I read your post and I have not gone into bereavement for awhile.. I saw your post and decided to open it. I usually don't because it is hard to give others advice when they are reeling in so much agony. So, I am just sharing what I feel, my experience and what I feel to be true in my heart.
I felt compelled to share it with you and for you to know it is a blessing to know your experience, and it as affected me. I wanted to share mine in some small way to tell you I am connected to you in spirit and I am reaching out to be a sliver of peace in your heart. To tell you Chloe is with you and loves you and that will never change..
I understand your feelings.. I too have a shatteredsoul

Dear Kenny,

Please know that I am with you on your loss. Words cannot begin to express what a parent who has lost a dear child goes through during this time. Perhaps, at some point, you would like a spiritual/clairvoyant exploration of why things happen as they do. If you do, you are welcome to come to the board entitled "Psychics" and ask your questions there as I do not feel this particular board is appropriate for such discussion simply because there we deal with yet another special perspective.

May God's hand grasp yours tightly during these difficult times and bring you many blessings.

Kenny this is just horiable I cannot even begin to understand the pain you are going threw. It is good that you wrote is better to get pain out in the open I find it is the first step to start the healing process. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. You are in our thoughts.
Zyi

My heart breaks for you. I am sorry that I have no words that I think will help you. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you the strength to keep going.

Kenny I understand how you feel, even though I cannot really comprehend something so painful. Chloe is a wonderful name, angelic for sure. She is looking after you-speak to her often. You are not to blame.

Keep writing, I noticed a great talent in self-expression in your writing (I'm a writer) and I wish I could write half as good as you. If you write here often, more and more help you will find, I'm certain. You can write to me specifically (PM) to just chat if you wish to-best wishes to you.

Hold Chloe's memory dear to your heart-she was on this earth for a short time, but she has influenced you and is your mentor forever-provided you exist and go on living the best you possibly can-seek out others, this can help.

Just as a side note, I would go to Oprah or similar about the insurance etc. regardless of the money, it's the principle-the red tape is really bad. I'm sure that this would be an important issue for any other parents-perhaps you could help others (I'm sure Chloe would approve).

best wishes to you,
from Richard.