I have a deceased son. He had a partner before he was killed and a grandson was produced after his death. The girl is east Timorese now an Australian citizen. She feels she has to live in another city as the daughter in law of my other son (living) will not have anything to do with her. I suspect because of her parents attitude to colour. This is never said. Other reasons are found. This has an adverse effect on my son who now sides with his wife. They now have a daughter who we see often. Travel to the other city is costly so We see my grandson about 4 times a year. His mum would be better off living close to us as we could support but is afraid. To confront the daughter in law near us would cause us to lose some or all of the access to our grandaughter. My wife does not want to take the risk. Living in another city means she has no support and is not savy to our culture consequently makes serious mistakes. She took up with another man believing him that he would marry her. He made her pregnant and bolted. She now has two sons.

I am lost

I'm lost too.

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Originally Posted by Iroq

I have a deceased son. He had a partner before he was killed and a grandson was produced after his death. The girl is east Timorese now an Australian citizen. She feels she has to live in another city as the daughter in law of my other son (living) will not have anything to do with her. I suspect because of her parents attitude to colour. This is never said. Other reasons are found. This has an adverse effect on my son who now sides with his wife. They now have a daughter who we see often. Travel to the other city is costly so We see my grandson about 4 times a year. His mum would be better off living close to us as we could support but is afraid. To confront the daughter in law near us would cause us to lose some or all of the access to our grandaughter. My wife does not want to take the risk. Living in another city means she has no support and is not savy to our culture consequently makes serious mistakes. She took up with another man believing him that he would marry her. He made her pregnant and bolted. She now has two sons.

I am lost

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I am following that your deceased son had a son to a woman who now lives in East Timorese, Australia. She feels she had to move away because she doesn't get along with your other son or wife. Possibly because they are prejudice and other reasons. For some reason this has a bad effect on your son who takes his wife's side in not getting along with your deceased sons family. The other son allows you to see his daughter often. But you only get to see your deceased sons child about 4 times a year because of distance. You want her to live closer so you can see him more often. You are afraid to confront the other daughter in law because you don't want her to use seeing the granddaughter against you.
Could you and your wife move half way between both families? Why isn't your deceased sons girlfriend willing to move a bit closer to you? Like if your other son and daughter in law live north of you could she move south of you so there is still a bit of a distance between them?
Either just move without explaining to son or offer to help move her so you can help.
You don't need to even mention it to your other sons family. And then when they find out and make an issue of it pass it off as "oh, yeah, no big deal"

G'day Thank you for response. To clarify the situation. My deceased son's partner H is Timorese by birth. She migrated to Australia before meeting him. She moved from Darwin to Brisbane for our grandsons birth at this time we were unaware of her condition. They were together for about 3 months before he was killed. We moved from Sydney to North Queensland to be with the other son as he was marrying a local girl M . At first all was well until the two woman met. We knew H was dark skinned the other daughter in law did not. But like a disease the attitude changed. Having met M parents and heard them talk I could see a problem coming and so could H .

She decided to stay in Brisbane afraid of M and her attitude. Remember H is from a part of Papua New Guinea which is classed as a developing nation. She does not understand the colour issue and the attitude but is scared by it. M is educated in Australia and is very intimidating by nature.

Your suggestions are quite valid and useful. I will never understand people with an attitude to colour. It is simply the pigment in the skin. They do so much damage.