My partner is overweight to the point where it is unhealthy. She has no confidence in herself and is always putting herself down. Saying that she is disgusting, how could I love her, how gross she is, calling herself names... at times we will have planned to go somewhere and she becomes so upset while getting dressed to go out that she just refuses to leave the house. And either we both don't go, or she insists that I go alone (rarely do, but have) because she is so upset with her appearance.

I tell her I think she's beautiful. That I love her exactly as she is. I try to help her find things to wear that she can be comfortable in, that she will feel confident in... but it's no use.

I'm technically 'overweight' myself, but to a much lesser extent. I want to lose weight myself just because I feel unhealthy, but usually I can't even bring it up in front of her without her saying 'if you think you're fat you must think I'm disgusting'.

I guess I just need some advice on: 1. How to make her feel better about herself. 2. How to help her lose weight. 3. How to help her stay on diets and motivate her without causing her to think that I feel she's gross and needs to lose weight.

I want her to be healthy, because I know she's not now- but I love her and think she's beautiful as-is. Any advice?

Talk to one of her friends. Ask her friend to suggest that they join a gym together. Try curves. It's just women, so that's a safe environment. And she'll have a work-out partner and someone to motivate her. Both friends will benefit. And perhaps taking her shopping at a very nice plus sized store and getting her a really nice outfit will make her feel better about her size. Hope this helped somehow... Or buy her a cute pair of shoes or a handbag. Every worry in the world goes away when you find the perfect handbag or shoes!

My first advice would be not to make it a diet but a lifestyle change. Incorporating healthy choices in activities and foods. When planning meal time, search healthy recipes, such as those from Weight Watchers or Butter Busters or follow a diet such as the Mediterranean Diet. Pick recipes, then make your shopping list. You can plan out the menu for a week. There are many web sites out there with that kind of information. Cook with healthy fats. Watch the portion sizes. You eat what she eats and that way you reinforce each other's goals.

If she is not physically active, start slow. Walking is very good. Do this with her. You already are encouraging and positive. Has she considered seeing a doctor and asking him/her to refer her to a nutrionist? I know how tough weight loss is but it is doable. One does not have to resort to lap band surgery or gastric bypass. But those are still options.

Here are some links for healthy eating:
More on Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Fats
Snack attack: 10 tasty, healthy foods - Diet and nutrition - MSNBC.com
Making The Best Bad Food Choices, Dietician: Some Unhealthy Foods Are Less Bad Than Others, Tells How To Pick - CBS News

You can use the USDA food pyramid as a help in meal planning and foods to select.
MyPyramid.gov - United States Department of Agriculture - Home

This from the Mayo Clinic - Heart-healthy eating to help prevent cardiovascular disease - MayoClinic.com
This from the American Heart Association - American Heart Association - click on the section "healthy living"

Good luck to you and your girlfriend.