Role reversal! I thought I was supposed to get this image!
My daughter in law (stepson's wife) hates me & thinks I am a bad parent. I'm still raising a 10 yr old and our 20 yr old just moved out on his own. He probably bad-mouthed me to her in the past and now she thinks I was awful with him. He is very close to me though & loves me as though I am his "real" mom (which I try to be... their birth mom died when he was 12)

This daughter in law bad mouths me behind my back and has even confronted me to my face. She has gone behind our backs more than once & tried to separate our family.

Funny thing is, when she came into our family, I was the one that worked diligently to get the rest of the family to take kindly to her. She talked about people terribly in a very open way and no one liked her in the beginning. She started to get better about things and was learning to hold her tongue, so I helped build her up with the other kids.

When our 10 yr old wanted to play fight with her older brother (daughter-in-law's husband)... (she was 7 at the time and he was 23), my daughter in law told me how wrong I was to allow it. She called our little darling "vicious".

She has recently said that I am not welcome in their home... only dad is.

She has a bi-polar issue, but I don't know if it is part of the trouble or not.
Seems she just feels strongly about her own opinions and wants to be the matriarch of the family. Trouble is, it is keeping us from all getting together now and there are grandchildren. It is breaking my husband's heart. I had dreamed of treating all 4 of the stepkids as though I was their real mom. I wanted them to have the warmth and openness and acceptness coming from me. I also wanted to be there for them in times of trouble, which I truly have been.

Recently when 2nd eldest child had marriage issues, I spoke privately to her and offered her a way out. I was concerned that she wasn't going to make it... new baby, exhausted, hubby not working, etc. etc. This all backfired on me though. DIL thinks I did a terrible thing even though she is hearing only SIL's side of issue. I love all involved, but have ability to let them go completely. Probably won't ever give advice or rescue the eldest kids again... I'll just refer them to Dad.

Here's the dilema... already wrote letters saying I was sorry and didn't mean any harm to both DIL and stepdaughter. No response. It has been months. Dad has kept in touch, but what about all gathering together in love? Holidays?

Any suggestions or have I expeneded all routes? Twenty year old feels that he can talk to siblings and patch things up. He's a sweetheart. He realizes now that the reason I was pretty tough on him was because he really needed it, and he did. He has come a long way and is a fine young man. The youngest is very well liked by teachers, neighbors, and is a wonderful young lady. It's just strange that DIL can't see any of that.

Help!?

Are you saying that all your contact is with the daughter in law and none with your step children? Why can't you talk to them and get them to talk sense into her? When she does confront you tell her you want step by step issues and a proper chance to reply to every issue as she brings them up or the *one way* conversation is over. And stand up for yourself. When she brings up something give her the why you did that, where the other person told only THEIR side, etc...
AND as you said when they want help or rescued remind them that they are not there for you other than in a hateful way and you are not willing to be hurt by helping them only to be dumped on again.