Hi People,

First of all thanks for taking the time to read my post and any advice would be greatly helpful.

Im having trouble with my confidence. When I was younger at school I got teased about the way I looked (underbite jaw), got cheated on if I had a girlfriend and never felt good enough. When I'm out with one of my friends All the women seem to look at him and never pay me any attention. The other night a friend asked 2 ladies who was the better looking out of me and my mate and they both chose him... I felt terrrible and just wanted to go home. Any person would be happy for their friend but all I felt was jealousy and all I could think of was how I'm not good enough.

I keep thinking what is the point in being with someone if they think someone is better than what they have. My friend is a handsome guy (looks like Mel Gibson and is very well built), I'm skinny, losing my hair(what chance do I have).

When I'm out I constantly need attention, I can't help it, I hate being this way but it seems to be the only hing that can make me happy for that moment in time... I feel females control everything I do in life... for me to be happy I need to be praised, it sooooo wrong but I can't help it.

I need to be liked by everyone and that can never happen. I have been rejected by so many girls and hate myself due to this... Am I insane?? How do I deal better with these situations??

Please give advice Im really struggling enjoying anything in life at the moment

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tyne26

The other night a friend asked 2 ladies who was the better looking out of me and my mate and they both chose him.....I felt terrrible and just wanted to go home.

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I don't blame you. This boy/man, and I choose BOY is not a friend. That's not what friends do. All he was doing was boosting his own ego, a friend would never do this to another friend. Rather than feeling terrible for yourself, you should be p!ssed as he11 at him for doing this.

Tell me though, what are you good at? What do you like to do?

You don't need a woman to make you a man, you don't need a woman to make you whole. Us girls are only trouble anyway. LOL

Focus on what you are talented in for starters.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by J_9

I don't blame you. This boy/man, and I choose BOY is not a friend. That's not what friends do. All he was doing was boosting his own ego, a friend would never do this to another friend. Rather than feeling terrible for yourself, you should be p!ssed as he11 at him for doing this.

Tell me though, what are you good at? What do you like to do?

You don't need a woman to make you a man, you don't need a woman to make you whole. Us girls are only trouble anyway. LOL

Focus on what you are talented in for starters.

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Yes I am annoyed at this other friend for saying this... I don't want to be jealous of my other friend though as he did not do anything wrong he didn't say anything.

I take part in martial arts and it helps in some way.

I just can't take rejection well and grils always seem to put down the way I lokk and I don't understand why. They call me a poser... and I am not, I just try to look the best I can... but I constantly get put down I could give you a list of 70 females who have put me down... I remember every one my brain obsesses over it and I can't stop it... im losing my mind and hate even looking in the mirror due to these peoples remarks... its OK for my friend he gets attention all the time...

Hi People,

First of all thanks for taking the time to read my post and any advice would be greatly helpful.

Im having trouble with my confidence. When I was younger at school I got teased about the way I looked (underbite jaw), got cheated on if I had a girlfriend and never felt good enough. When I'm out with one of my friends All the women seem to look at him and never pay me any attention. The other night a friend asked 2 ladies who was the better looking out of me and my mate and they both chose him... I felt terrrible and just wanted to go home. Any person would be happy for their friend but all I felt was jealousy and all I could think of was how I'm not good enough.

I keep thinking what is the point in being with someone if they think someone is better than what they have. My friend is a handsome guy (looks like Mel Gibson and is very well built), I'm skinny, losing my hair(what chance do I have).

When I'm out I constantly need attention, I can't help it, I hate being this way but it seems to be the only hing that can make me happy for that moment in time... I feel females control everything I do in life... for me to be happy I need to be praised, it sooooo wrong but I can't help it.

I need to be liked by everyone and that can never happen. I have been rejected by so many girls and hate myself due to this... Am I insane?? How do I deal better with these situations??

Please give advice Im really struggling enjoying anything in life at the moment

Hi Tyne,
We all know what it's like trying to be accepted by the opposite sex, and rejection is never easy. But it's important to remember that it happens to everyone. Clearly you've had girlfriends (although you say you were cheated on), and are not too inexperienced, so obviously you've not had to deal with constant rejection (although I'm sure it can seem that way at times).
From your discription of yourself, you really don't sound so very unattractive. So you're a bit skinny and have a weak jaw, it sounds perfectly fine to me (but I seem to have a thing for skinny guys, maybe it's just me). And even if you were actually an unappealing person physically, this shouldn't prevent you from having successful relationships so long as you're a nice guy. Also remember that a friendly smile will often make any girl overlook any other feature.
Maybe you're meeting girls in the wrong places and finding people who are looking for different things. Do you have many close female friends?
It sounds like your biggest problem is confidence. How do you approach girls? When you're interested in a girl do you approach her with a proposition straight out or do you try to start a conversation and get her comfortable first? What's your angle (as long as it doesn't involve corny pickup lines there's still hope).
I can understand a desire to be praised, but feeling that the opinions of women controls your life seems a bit extreme. It's obviously causing a lot of distress in your life. However, I have always been of the opinion that you will never find contentment with another person unless you can fist be content with yourself. Can you be happy alone? Without being content with yourself, your happiness within a relationship is likely to remain entirely dependent on your partner. That is just my opinion however, it might not work for everyone.
Keep us updated and good luck,
Kal

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KalFour

Hi Tyne,
We all know what it's like trying to be accepted by the opposite sex, and rejection is never easy. But it's important to remember that it happens to everyone. Clearly you've had girlfriends (although you say you were cheated on), and are not too inexperienced, so obviously you've not had to deal with constant rejection (although I'm sure it can seem that way at times).
From your discription of yourself, you really don't sound so very unattractive. So you're a bit skinny and have a weak jaw, it sounds perfectly fine to me (but I seem to have a thing for skinny guys, maybe it's just me). And even if you were actually an unappealing person physically, this shouldn't prevent you from having successful relationships so long as you're a nice guy. Also remember that a friendly smile will often make any girl overlook any other feature.
Maybe you're meeting girls in the wrong places and finding people who are looking for different things. Do you have many close female friends?
It sounds like your biggest problem is confidence. How do you approach girls? When you're interested in a girl do you approach her with a proposition straight out or do you try to start a conversation and get her comfortable first? What's your angle (as long as it doesn't involve corny pickup lines there's still hope).
I can understand a desire to be praised, but feeling that the opinions of women controls your life seems a bit extreme. It's obviously causing a lot of distress in your life. However, I have always been of the opinion that you will never find contentment with another person unless you can fist be content with yourself. Can you be happy alone? Without being content with yourself, your happiness within a relationship is likely to remain entirely dependent on your partner. That is just my opinion however, it might not work for everyone.
Keep us updated and good luck,
Kal

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Kal,
Thank you for your reply it means a lot.

I have one close female friend but that's it.When I was at high school I got teased by other females in my year about my appearance and I think this may have affected me. When I'm out its like I need constant attention (more than my friends) to say "that was a good night"... I know this way of behaving and thinking is totally wrong but It seems to be the only way of making me happy for that moment in time but it doesn't solve deeper issues with myself esteem. Im an intelligent person and know right from worng but this is causing me great distress in my everyday life... I constantly worry about these things. Its like I have a photographic memory (I can remember every negative comment that has been made about my appearance)...

As for approaching females I find that very hard to do as I am so scared of being rejected, so its like added pressure on me to succeed in making them like me. I keep thinking what's the point in chatting up a girl as she will like my mate more than me. I hate thinking in this way but I'm being totally honest in how I feel and think.

I feel the only way for me to be satisfied with myself and able to be on my own is for these comment never to have happened in my life (obviously impossible), I sometimes wish I was my friend who gets all the attention then I would be happy... Females control my life and I'm frightened I'm always going to be this way.

How do I be confident with myself if I get told I'm "nothing special" or I have friends who are more appealing to the opposite sex than me... I don't like the way females in this area just come out and say what they think without any thought to how this may affect someone... I shouldn't need attention from a female to be happy but it seems to be something that when on the odd occasion I get it I feel this high for a whle then its back to reality??

Tyne,
I'm glad you're being honest, that's what this site's all about. And if you look through the other posts on here you'll see that you're definitely not the only one going through this - you're certainly not alone.
Can you try approaching girls and just starting a conversation without any particular goal in mind? It might help if you can practice just being more comfortable talking to girls. It might even help to practice talking to guys you don't know, just to make you feel more confidant around strangers.
As for your friend, you say people think he's better looking than you (although personally I don't think Mel Gibson is particularly attractive), but this isn't something to resent him for.
Of course when you first meet someone, you'll be judged on your looks (there isn't much else to be judged on until you get to know someone). But take into account that looks are more than just physical features, they also include the way you walk and move, the way you dress and the way you express yourself. If you can appear confidant, people will automatically assume you're charismatic and interesting when they first meet you. I know it's difficult to appear confidance when you aren't, but your lack of confidance is probably holding you back much more than your looks are.
Have you tried asking your female friend about her opinion of you? Got her to be brutally honest?
Wow, it sounds like the girls you meet are incredibly harsh. Where are you meeting them if they're so critical toward you?
How old are you by the way?
I realise that your self-esteem isn't the best, but this is probably msotly due to people's behaviour at school while you were growing up. Remember that most people aren't this shallow or judgemental as they get older, and you've also probably got better looking since then.
In the grand scheme of things, appearances don't matter as much as the kind of person you are.
All the best,
Kal

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KalFour

Tyne,
I'm glad you're being honest, that's what this site's all about. And if you look through the other posts on here you'll see that you're definitely not the only one going through this - you're certainly not alone.
Can you try approaching girls and just starting a conversation without any particular goal in mind? It might help if you can practice just being more comfortable talking to girls. It might even help to practice talking to guys you don't know, just to make you feel more confidant around strangers.
As for your friend, you say people think he's better looking than you (although personally I don't think Mel Gibson is particularly attractive), but this isn't something to resent him for.
Of course when you first meet someone, you'll be judged on your looks (there isn't much else to be judged on until you get to know someone). But take into account that looks are more than just physical features, they also include the way you walk and move, the way you dress and the way you express yourself. If you can appear confidant, people will automatically assume you're charismatic and interesting when they first meet you. I know it's difficult to appear confidance when you aren't, but your lack of confidance is probably holding you back much more than your looks are.
Have you tried asking your female friend about her opinion of you? Got her to be brutally honest?
Wow, it sounds like the girls you meet are incredibly harsh. Where are you meeting them if they're so critical toward you?
How old are you by the way?
I realise that your self-esteem isn't the best, but this is probably msotly due to people's behaviour at school while you were growing up. Remember that most people aren't this shallow or judgemental as they get older, and you've also probably got better looking since then.
In the grand scheme of things, appearances don't matter as much as the kind of person you are.
All the best,
Kal

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Hi Kal,

God I wish I had you as a friend like you lol.

The first point you make about aproaching girls I find very hard to do, I get the opportunity to do this when out at a pub or club which I know isn't the best place to meet someone but I go out with my friends to these places... if you go up to a girl and she doesn't know you its obvious you like her and isn't interested in just being friends. I would prefer to get to know someone first before getting serious it shows you are being careful and gaining trust and that is the correct way in my opinion... I just don't know how to start the conversation without coming across as desperate or perverted if you know what I mean.

As for my friend I would never treat him in a bad way just because he gets more attention... I don't get angry at him but I shouldn't be getting angry at females at the end of the day we all control our own emotions... my female friend does think I'm attractive, let me point out I don't think I'm ugly... My problem is I want to be first in every1's views and this is wrong but ic ant help it for some reason and I wonder where it comes from... My grandfather is an attention seeker and I don't want to be like him (jealous,resentful,self-pitying) at least I want to change but its like something has control over me, there is no fight left in me... as for these girls my friend asked 1 who was better looking out of me and "Mel Gibson"(lol) and she chose him, I made a face as if "who cares what u think" and she said"what do you think u are lovely or something" I should have insulted her but just froze and felt hurt... the other girl was chatting to me and my mate and I told her we were the same age and she said "yeah but he is sexier" how can I win?

Im 27 and they way I act and feel, I feel immature but don't know how to get out of this rut of feeling low... I think school has had a major on myself esteem I know it has... I can't understand why it is still affecting me I want it to stop but just don't have the strength or will power with all the put downs I get... sorry for going on and on but I don't ever get to express my views as other people will just see me as weak and won't want to listen

Tyne,
I think it'd help a lot if you tried meeting girls in a different setting, just to keep it relaxed. Ever tried starting a conversation with a stranger on a bus? Or stopped to chat to the girl behind the counter at the convenience store? Or get the girl you're comfortable with to introduce you to some of her friends perhaps.
I know it's not nice to always be playing second fiddle to "Mel", but is it possible that sometimes you're imagining offence where none is intended? Could you be expecting negativity and as a result, focusing more on the negatives than the positives? It's often easier to say something slightly offensive than to say something nice. Try thinking about all the times you've had a stranger smile at you. It can mean just as much as having someone say how nice you look.

:)

Kal

Quote:

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Originally Posted by KalFour

Tyne,
I think it'd help a lot if you tried meeting girls in a different setting, jsut to keep it relaxed. Ever tried starting a conversation with a stranger on a bus? Or stopped to chat to the girl behind the counter at the convenience store? Or get the girl you're comfortable with to introduce you to some of her friends perhaps.
I know it's not nice to always be playing second fiddle to "Mel", but is it possible that sometimes you're imagining offence where none is intended? Could you be expecting negativity and as a result, focussing more on the negatives than the positives? It's often easier to say something slightly offensive than to say something nice. Try thinking about all the times you've had a stranger smile at you. It can mean just as much as having someone say how nice you look.

:)

Kal

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Kal,

Most people probably don't mean to offend me but when they make out he is better its hard not to take it to heart and feel unnattractive... I obsess too much over this and it rules my life... You are correct in saying that I look for the negative all the time, I do this because its what I believe is true and I'm used to it. If I get a positive comment I feel great at first but then I go away and think about it and I always find a negative, nothing is ever good enough... ive been to counselling and it helped for a while but when these feelings start it can go on for months and I'm sad for ages... I wish I wasn't me a lot of the time... I keep going over and over in my head why people have insulted me trying to find reasons to make me feel better... I may not meet anyone with the way I am and how insecure I behave

Dear Tyne26 -

This seems to be an issue that has deep seated roots from childhood. It's obviously bothering you a great deal (and that's a good thing that you recongnize this! ).

Have you ever considered counseling? It helps to talk to a person who specializes in self-image, etc... to get to the root of your issue.

You are on the right path, because you are seeking help. Don't put so much emphasis on other peoples opinions or acceptance, other people will always let you down. You ultimatley need to be accepting of yourself before you can expect others to accept you.

Good luck on your journey. God bless you!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by pears

Dear Tyne26 -

This seems to be an issue that has deep seated roots from childhood. It's obviously bothering you a great deal (and that's a good thing that you recongnize this!!).

Have you ever considered counseling? It helps to talk to a person who specializes in self-image, etc...to get to the root of your issue.

You are on the right path, because you are seeking help. Don't put so much emphasis on other peoples opinions or acceptance, other people will always let you down. You ultimatley need to be accepting of yourself before you can expect others to accept you.

Good luck on your journey. God bless you!!

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Hi Pears,

Thank you for you kind advice. I have been to counselling before and it helped in some way but I seem to have fallen into the wrong way of thinking again over time. I take females opinions of myself image to heart (if negative) and fail to notice much of the positive. I feel as if I'm addicted to negativity as it all I'm used to and believe. If there is something positive said I will feel good at first but I will then go away and think about it over and over again i.e. "there must be a catch, every1 has something negative to say about me"... I need constant attention from females to make me feel better or to get thhrough the. I know this is totally wrong but they control my life... Im ashamed to say that if they don't like me or like someone more then my life is pointless... shocking to say this but I'm being honest in the way my brain works

Dear Tyne 26,

You keep using the phrase "self image".

An image is just that... not a true picture of the real you.

When we give others a chance to get to know the real 'us'
Our "image/looks" take a backseat, right where they belong.

Try changing your focus for the time being, and "work" on becoming a more
Confident individual. Your Martial Arts is a great start.

Confidence comes from 'doing'...
Not from looking in the mirror, or from listening to others opinions about our looks.

Your own opinion counts the most.

Some people (as evidenced by your 'friend'... and those who participated in the question and answer game of "who looks best") can be very insensitive, and quite cruel.

... How they treated you, said volumes about what kind of people they are, and nothing about how you look.
... so why would you take into consideration their 'opinion'?

BEAUTY is ""truly"" in the EYE of the BEHOLDER!



RE: your underbite:
Consult with a Physician/Plastic Surgeon about the possiblity of
corrective surgery, if this is a big problem for you.

If you can take the steps to improve what matters to you,
even if that something is how you look,
then you are making forward process by 'doing' what is needed.

Some people work out because they not only want to be healthy,
they want their bodies to look a certain way.
...and some people use plactic surgery for the same reasons.
It's about personal decisions.



None of us are "liked by everyone"!!!
Let go of that idea ASAP!

Negative thinking vs Positive thinking...
Been there, done that!

A really good book that helped me is:
"What To Say When You Talk To Yourself"
by: Shad Helmstetter
Change takes 'work' and change takes 'time'.
Make the "time" and " and " at the change in yourself you desire.

I grew up with negativity too, and that 'used' to be my focus.
... self-change is possible, I'm living proof.

You said you had been to counselling (me too) and that in some way it helped.
... We all need help off and on throughout our journey of life. \

Counselling now, may well give you the perspective to help you move in a more positive direction with yourself. Maybe there are underlying issues that you either need to address or "re-address".

Hope this helps...
GBWY

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Angel_Wings

Dear Tyne 26,

You keep using the phrase "self image".

An image is just that... not a true picture of the real you.

When we give others a chance to get to know the real 'us'
our "image/looks" take a backseat, right where they belong.

Try changing your focus for the time being, and "work" on becoming a more
confident individual. Your Martial Arts is a great start.

Confidence comes from 'doing'...
not from looking in the mirror, or from listening to others opinions about our looks.

Your own opinion counts the most.

Some people (as evidenced by your 'friend'... and those who participated in the question and answer game of "who looks best") can be very insensitive, and quite cruel.

...How they treated you, said volumes about what kind of people they are, and nothing about how you look.
...so why would you take into consideration their 'opinion'?

BEAUTY is ""truly"" in the EYE of the BEHOLDER!



RE: your underbite:
Consult with a Physician/Plastic Surgeon about the possiblity of
corrective surgery, if this is a big problem for you.

If you can take the steps to improve what matters to you,
even if that something is how you look,
then you are making forward process by 'doing' what is needed.

Some people work out because they not only want to be healthy,
they want their bodies to look a certain way.
...and some people use plactic surgery for the same reasons.
It's about personal decisions.



None of us are "liked by everyone"!!!
Let go of that idea ASAP!

Negative thinking vs Positive thinking...
Been there, done that!

A really good book that helped me is:
"What To Say When You Talk To Yourself"
by: Shad Helmstetter
Change takes 'work' and change takes 'time'.
Make the "time" and "work" at the change in yourself you desire.

I grew up with negativity too, and that 'used' to be my focus.
...self-change is possible, I'm living proof.

You said you had been to counselling (me too) and that in some way it helped.
...We all need help off and on throughout our journey of life. \

Counselling now, may well give you the perspective to help you move in a more positive direction with yourself. Maybe there are underlying issues that you either need to address or "re-address".

Hope this helps...
GBWY

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Thanks,

What you say helps a lot... Just for the record I had the corrective surgery done but I'm still insecure, which makes me believe that the issues lie deeprer thhan that... To be honest I know what my issues are I just don't know how to look on the bright side of things and see everything or most thing in a positive manner... its as if my brain is programmed this way or its in the genes, if I'm making any sense

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tyne26

Thanks,

What you say helps a lot.......Just for the record I had the corrective surgery done but im still insecure, which makes me believe that the issues lie deeprer thhan that..........To be honest I know what my issues are i just dont know how to look on the bright side of things and see everything or most thing in a positive manner.........its as if my brain is programmed this way or its in the genes, if im making any sense

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Sounds like you are still seeing and feeling like the person who was teased as a kid for your underbite. It's time to "let it go" and see yourself clearly. You may know the issues and you may still need help.

Go again for counselling, try a different method, person or group.
Cognitive therapy is good, and I found 'group' to work for me


See if your Library, or local used book store has the BOOK.
It's well worth it, and will help you to Re-Program your brain..!

While I certainly do believe some of 'how' we are is inheirted,
I also believe much of it is 'learned' and that change is possible.

... keep in mind that sometimes we look for reasons to remain in our status quo
Because change, while possible, often is hard work.

Keep your goals simple, and simply work towards them.

Good luck
God-BWY

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Angel_Wings

Sounds like you are still seeing and feeling like the person who was teased as a kid for your underbite. It's time to "let it go" and see yourself clearly. You may know the issues and you may still need help.

Go again for counselling, try a different method, person or group.
Cognitive therapy is good, and I found 'group' to work for me


See if your Library, or local used book store has the BOOK.
It's well worth it, and will help you to Re-Program your brain...!!!

While I certainly do believe some of 'how' we are is inheirted,
I also believe much of it is 'learned' and that change is possible.

...keep in mind that sometimes we look for reasons to remain in our status quo
because change, while possible, often is hard work.

Keep your goals simple, and simply work towards them.

Good luck
God-BWY

---

Every point you make is logical and correct and I will certainly get that book you mentioned... There is something no right with the way I'm behaving, even last night I went to the gym and there was a girl whom I though was quite attractive yet she got me so angry as she was looking at another guy all night and flirting with him. She didn't even give me a second glance... My anger towards this situation and her is uncontrollable, I lost focus on my workout and just wanted to leave, I seem to hate not being noticed

There is something not right with the way I'm behaving, even last night I went to the gym and there was a girl whom I though was quite attractive yet she got me so angry as she was looking at another guy all night and flirting with him. She didn't even give me a second glance... My anger towards this situation and her is uncontrollable, I lost focus on my workout and just wanted to leave, I seem to hate not being noticed, Im angry toward females, I'm scared of feeling like this as I want to feel the opposite but I feel its them that's causing it

>TWO Threads Merged<

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Tyne26

Hi People,

First of all thanks for taking the time to read my post and any advice would be greatly helpful.

Im having trouble with my confidence. When I was younger at school i got teased about the way I looked (underbite jaw), got cheated on if i had a girlfriend and never felt good enough. When im out with one of my friends All the women seem to look at him and never pay me any attention. The other night a friend asked 2 ladies who was the better looking out of me and my mate and they both chose him.....I felt terrrible and just wanted to go home. Any person would be happy for their friend but all i felt was jealousy and all i could think of was how im not good enough.

I keep thinkin what is the point in being with some1 if they think some1 is better than what they have. My friend is a handsome guy (looks like Mel Gibson and is very well built), im skinny, losing my hair(what chance do i have).

When im out i constantly need attention, i can't help it, I hate being this way but it seems to be the only hing that can make me happy for that moment in time........I feel females control everything i do in life....for me to be happy i need to be praised, it sooooo wrong but i can't help it.

I need to be liked by every1 and that can never happen. I have been rejected by so many girls and hate myself due to this.........Am I insane?????? How do I deal better with these situations??????

Please give advice Im really struggling enjoying anything in life at the moment

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Like the ones that like you. Being physically attractive is only great if it's all you want. The best relationships are based on mutual interests and good communication. Be a good friend and you will have many, some of which will be women who just plain like you! As far as needing constant reassurance that you're OK? Is being needy getting you something you want?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by simoneaugie

Like the ones that like you. Being physically attractive is only great if it's all you want. The best relationships are based on mutual interests and good communication. Be a good friend and you will have many, some of which will be women who just plain like you! As far as needing constant reassurance that you're OK? Is being needy getting you something you want?

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I don't know why I'm like this, being complimented seems to make me happy and I want a partner to initially be pyhsically attracted to me and of course connect with me. Im 100% with you on mutual inrests and good communicationi just want to feel I can have that physical spark of attraction as well... hope that makes sense