Ask Me Help Desk - Long distance relationship issues, and like someone else

I have been dating my current girlfriend for about a year and it is pretty serious, although long distance. I am a graduate student and live 2 hours from her home. Aside from holidays, we get to spend about every other weekend together. 2 serious issues have recently come up, and I am not sure what to do about them.

For one, I've begun to have feelings for another girl. She is another student in my graduate program. I don't know her very well at all, but something about her really excites me. Its probably a combination of the fact that she is very good looking and seems very nice/fun too. I feel really bad about this, because I think I am "in love" with my current girlfriend, but I am not quite sure. My girlfriend is really sweet and has been very good to me, so I don't know why I would start to like someone else. It could be just a crush, but its serious enough that I am concerned about it.

I also am having major issues with the distance. I am in my early 20s, and have 1.5 years left of my graduate program. During that time, the distance between my girlfriend and I will not change. After I graduate, I will be taking a job in a different city than her, and if we want to stay together, she will have to move there. We have talked about this, and she agreed that she would. But the thought having a long distance relationship for another 1.5 years is killing me. I want a girlfriend that I can see everyday, not just see on a couple times a month. And asking someone to follow you to a new city is a really big deal. I don't know if I want to ask her to do that.

So I am considering breaking up with my girlfriend because of these issues. I don't want to break up because I don't want to hurt her, and also because, perhaps selfishly, I don't want to be single either. I would love any advice, insight, or recommendations on this problem. Thanks.

Sadly, I believe that you answered your own question when you concluded your post with "I don't want to break up because I don't want to hurt her, and also because, perhaps selfishly, I don't want to be single either." If you had of written, "I don't want to break up because I don't want to live without her." or "... because I feel I am just confused because of the distance between us." then I would have different advice. However, it sounds that although you care for this girl, you are not in love with her.

Do the both of you a favour and end things. Every day that you allow her to believe that you love her is a day she will suffer deeper pain when you finally end it. If you truly love someone you will move mountains to make it work. Long distance relationships are difficult, but NOT impossible. If you can't deal with that, then how will you deal with the REAL tests of a relationship with her?

Hugs, Didi

Well, I should have added that another reason I don't want to break up with her is because I really really really like her. I don't know what love is, so that is why I I'm just keeping it to "like." I'm confused about the distance and confused about why I like someone else. I hesitate to end our relationship because she is a great woman who loves me. It is not easy to find someone who will agree to leave her home and move to a new city for you. She has already done that for me. Thank you for your response Didi, but if this adds any context, those are additional reasons I don't want to rush to break up with her.

Okay my advice is to stay with her! You have a girl who loves you and you seem like a guy who could hold out. Do you want to be with her? If yes then try to hold onto the relationship. As for this new girl this is just your inner desire of wanting a girl who can be there everyday. You've found a girl you suspect you could be happy with and know she would be there everyday and so you are drawn to her.

Let's compare things here on one end you could break up with your current girlfriend and date this new girl who you barely know and either that relationship will be good or end in a train wreck. On the other side you could stay with this girl who you have been with for a year and who you are close to and probably know like the back of your hand, and in a year and a half you will be together all the time.

It's like waiting a while to get married to have sex. You wait a long time but eventually you are rewarded.

Okay, I hear what you are saying, but 2 hours distance is really nothing! My goodness, you see each other every weekend like any couple dating might do! You know, the reason you might like someone else could be simply because you are honestly attracted to them. There is more than one or two people out there in this world whom you could love! However, if a happily married person meets others that they are attracted to they don't just consider ending the marriage, but work upon strengthening it. It's what you do with the attraction that matters. If it sways you, my guess is that you are not 100% 'into' this relationship.

Honestly, it sounds like you really, really, really like your girlfriend - but nothing more. Not because you are attracted to someone else, but because you find something like 2 hours between you a real challenge... because you don't know what love is... because you will allow this woman to leave her home and move to a new city for you despite you not even knowing if you are in love with her.

Or, there is the possibility that you are just young enough that you want to explore other relationships, which is very normal. I don't know how many women you have dated, but each woman that you have a relationship with helps you to home in on what you actually want and what you don't want in a permanent relationship. You just may need more to draw from. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, it could lead to a very strong long term or permanent relationship in the end.

You said that you have major issues with the distance and want a woman who you can see every day. Well, truth is, you don't have that, and you don't have the kind of commitment to ask your present girlfriend to move to where you are. You really need to decide - do you want what you have now, or what you might have in the future?

Personally, I still don't feel that a two hour distance between you is such a big deal - especially when you have so much contact. Sure, it might be a little inconvenient, and you might not have a girl to spend time with through the week... however, if this might be the woman you will spend the rest of your life with, then it's worth it. If you don't have sense that this will be your last love relationship, then I believe that you should let her go.

I understand your confusion, though, so here is what I think you should do. Get a piece of paper, fold it in half lengthwise. Write Pros on one side and Cons on the other. Now... over the course of a few days, write down the pros and cons of keeping the relationship that you are in. Then, sit on it a week or so, re-read it and then ask yourself what you really want. It should be a lot clearer for you.

Also, I think that after you write that list, you should communicate with your girlfriend... tell her how you are feeling and why. A good relationship is built upon openness and honesty. If you can't explore these feelings together, then you don't have a very good relationship anyhow. You can learn to communicate better, or the relationship might end because you can't talk... it's really up to you.

Hugs, Didi

Thank you very much Didi

Well before you break up with your girlfriend you should find out how you really feel about this other girl and if she likes you and will date you because if you break up with your girlfriend and you don't know anything about this girl you could end up sad and alone. If she's willing to move to another city for you she must really love you. You barely know anything about this other girl so why break up with your girlfriend for some chick. And if you really "liked" this girl you would have broken up with your girlfriend already. I wouldn't break up with her. Stay with her its only 1.5 years left then you will be with her for a long long time.

DogLover62

Hi. I am currently in a very long distance relationship with my fiancé in Morocco. We are in month 2 of the very long immigration process. When I read your post, I put your experiences into my shoes. After thinking about all of the circumstances, I thought about how love means different things to different people. My take on it is that if you have feelings for another person, and let those feelings interfere with current partner, there might be a love versus lust issue. Sometimes in a relationship people feel safe knowing that their future can be planned out with the perfect person although they might have to sacrifice some like moving. But on the other hand, part of them feels as if what if this is not the path I am supposed to take... are there bigger and better plans for me??

This is when you have to sit and think if the sacrifices you will have to overcome like the distance and moving issue will equate to your overall happiness in the end. Like in my situation, it sucks that my future husband will not be with me by my side for another 4 months or more, but I was aware of my choices before I made the decision to sacrifice my time and moving to a more cultural place. I realized that I couldn't live without him. If you can't picture yourself with your current girlfriend for the rest of your life or maybe just the near future, maybe its time to reconsider your priorities.

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Originally Posted by hst12345

Well, I should have added that another reason I don't want to break up with her is because I really really really like her. I don't know what love is, so that is why I I'm just keeping it to "like." I'm confused about the distance and confused about why I like someone else. I hesitate to end our relationship because she is a great woman who loves me. It is not easy to find someone who will agree to leave her home and move to a new city for you. She has already done that for me. Thank you for your response Didi, but if this adds any context, those are additional reasons why I don't want to rush to break up with her.

At the least it sounds like you both should consider seeing other people. That would give both you and her 1.5 years to figure out what you really want.