Ask Me Help Desk - She wanted me twice and she left me twice

Hi,

This is my first ever question on this site... I hope that I get some answers...

I met this girl about 1 year ago, and we started to chat online, we talked for hrs sometimes, and we talked almost every day. Then we started to talk on the phone, text messages, and finally we started going out AS FRIENDS... sometimes we would go out alone for coffee and sometimes with her best friend...

Anyway, one day, she told me she liked me and she had feelings for me... and to be honest, I had developed feelings for her as well BUT I didn't want to start a relationship, I was still recovering from a borken heart because a few months earlier, I broke up with my fiancée.. So I made it clear to her, I said that I don't want to date at this time, I told her I don't want to take the risk to get hurt again, I told her that if I ever get back into dating, I want it to be right and I want it to end in marriage, I told her I didn't want to risk losing her as a friend if we somehow break up in the future. In other words, I told her that we should get over the feelings and forget them and to just be friends.

However, she continued to text message me, call me, email me, be nice to me etc etc until one day she told me she loved me. At that point, I trusted her, I felt like she was the one and I felt like she would never ever hurt me since she was so persistent. I felt like this girl would never break her promises. So I fell in love with her as well and we started to date and everything was great, we even had a plan to get engaged as soon as she finished school (she had 1 more year left). This was her request and I decided to give her all the time she needs... I'm 27 and she is 23.

After about 4 or 5 months, she started to change, act distant, act weird. So I talked to her about that, and she told me that she doesn't feel ready for a serious relationship, that she needs more time, that she needs more time after she finishes school to work, to have a career, and do things that she always wanted to do. She also said that her parents wouldn't approve because she was too young. I told her that's fine and it's not like I was going to stop her from doing all those things, in fact I always told her that I would support her with anything that she decides to do.

But still it was too much for her and after about 2 weeks, she broke up with me and she left. I was broken hearted of course, I couldn't believe that after all I've done to her, after all the good times, after being way too nice and caring to her, after giving her all the time she needs even though I could've looked for a girl that was ready for an engagement , after allll that... I couldn't believe that she left...

Anyway, about 1 month later, my friend hooked me up with another girl, so I went out with her... now my ex found out since her cousin knew the new girl... and once she found out, she started emailing me again, sending me sweet songs, telling me how much she missed me, how much she loved me and how she can't imagine her life without me etc etc... and since I had feelings for her still, I decided to go back to her..

That was a big mistake :( basically we agreed to carry on the original plan, which is to date, to give her time to study, and to hopefully get engaged by the time she finishes school..

4 months later, the same thing happened, she started to act distant again and at one point, I got fed up, I felt like I was doing all the work in this relationship, I mean she was never there for me as much as I was there for her, I used to take care of her, drive her around, help her financially, support her emotionally etc etc and she gave me very little in return... so I sent her this email and told her how I feel, and she snapped! She got so mad and decided to break up again...

For weeks after the break up, she kept emailing me and telling me how sorry she was for wasting a year of my life, how much she still loved me, how much she misses me but at the same time, she can't come back because she doesn't know how or when she can commit seriously and she doesn't know how or when she can offer me what I offer her... she said she still wants me as a friend...

However, it was hard to stay friends and we got in some fights about "us" and now we stopped talking.. it has been 1 week only..

I'm completely crushed, I miss her and I still love her but at the same time, I'm mad at her for breaking her promises over and over and for hurting me over and over.. should I expect her to come back? Should I wait? Does she really love me? Did she really fall in love with me? What can I do to make her miss me and want to come back? Should I take her back?

Help!

I just wanted to add that after the break up, we continued to talk and I tried to get her back and I asked her to come back and her replies were as I said in my first post, they were things like "I'm sorry for wasting your time, I love you, miss you but can't do anything about it etc etc"... just like I said earlier... but I wanted to add that I wanted and tried to get her back, then I came on this site and understood how my behavior would only push her further and further away, so after a few fights and arguments, we cut off contact..

Leave it at that...
Do not continue contact
Obviously this girl is highly confused and has no idea what she wants
Mm
I have been in a similar position

Take time to improve yourself buddy :D

Dear,
Speaking of promises... after your last breakup - you 'promised her too much, too soon' because you told her that if you entered another relationship that it would be "the" one with engagement and marriage...

Well, she took that as an invitation. She tried it out, and a part of her liked it, but another part of her did not. That's where her confusion came in. She does not like the 'whole package', just part of it and does not really want to let go. Maybe she expected marriage within a month, no matter if love was involved or not.. Some girls are like that. Then to get out of it, they will find other excuses to keep you on the leash because they don't want to give up all the benefits.

You helped her out financially, as you said.. and being too nice. But what exactly did you want in return for all of those 'favors'?

Do you enjoy the same interests in music, literature, politics?
Are you good in bed together, or is there someone 'holding back'?
Whose communication skills here are lacking?

I think getting you on the rebound was not the best move either of you made. And from the sound of it, you are in a hurry to look for someone to 'engage' with. Why? Don't you want to give yourself time to get to know someone without making promises until you feel deep inside that they would be appropriate?

May I suggest you hold back on her a little.. date other people but by all means don't wear all your emotions on your sleeves at the start. Stay back and watch and learn what the other person is about to discover if you like the traits they present and that they are compatible with your traits and values.

I'm sure you think that you are getting older, and need to hurry things up, but that's not so. Take your time, to really find what you want and deserve.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif Just think, she could have been a teen with intentions of getting pregnant just to be a married woman, without expending too much emotion on her side.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Chery

Dear,
Speaking of promises... after your last breakup - you 'promised her too much, too soon' because you told her that if you entered another relationship that it would be "the" one with engagement and marriage...

Well, she took that as an invitation. She tried it out, and a part of her liked it, but another part of her did not. That's where her confusion came in. She does not like the 'whole package', just part of it and does not really want to let go. Maybe she expected marriage within a month, no matter if love was involved or not.. Some girls are like that. Then to get out of it, they will find other excuses to keep you on the leash because they don't want to give up all the benefits.

You helped her out financially, as you said.. and being too nice. But what exactly did you want in return for all of those 'favors'?

Do you enjoy the same interests in music, literature, politics?
Are you good in bed together, or is there someone 'holding back'?
Whose communication skills here are lacking?

I think getting you on the rebound was not the best move either of you made. And from the sound of it, you are in a hurry to look for someone to 'engage' with. Why? Don't you want to give yourself time to get to know someone without making promises until you feel deep inside that they would be appropriate?

May I suggest you hold back on her a little.. date other people but by all means don't wear all your emotions on your sleeves at the start. Stay back and watch and learn what the other person is about to discover if you like the traits they present and that they are compatible with your traits and values.

I'm sure you think that you are getting older, and need to hurry things up, but that's not so. Take your time, to really find what you want and deserve.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif Just think, she could have been a teen with intentions of getting pregnant just to be a married woman, without expending too much emotion on her side.

</IMG>

Thank you :)

Well to answer your questions.. what did I expect in return? Well it's hard to explain, I didn't want "anything" or "favors", I just wanted her to be there for me a bit more, she just didn't seem as serious as me, I mean I didn't feel like she wanted this as much as I did.. which is my mistake, maybe I was too available and too nice I guess which turned her off. Also, whenever I talk about her meeting my sister or parents or me meeting hers, she would get nervous and scared and she would change the subject.

Yes we did have a lot in common, we are very compatible in terms of music, politics, interests etc... the relationship was great, and we both had agreed that once she finishes school and find a decent job, we would make it official... and we did take the time to get to know each other, we did... and we were great in bed...

I'm not really in a hurry, I'm only 27 but what I meant was that I don't want to date for so long and then end up with a broken heart, so I want to be more careful, but she is definitely someone I can see spending the rest of my life with, she said that too, even after the break up, she told me how she still cries and how much she really wanted me and how much she wanted to spend her life with me, but she keeps saying "there is nothing I can do about it now, I need to finish school, get a job, do this and do that etc etc"

I don't think she wanted marriage within a month, I'm not sure, I don't think so, I just think she thought she was ready, but when things got serious, she got scared and backed off... maybe? Right?

For now, I just left her alone, and I don't want to talk to her and get more heartache, because when we talked after the break up, we end up talking about our feelings and how we still love each other but she keeps saying "I can't do anything about it, I love you and miss you and I'm sorry for wasting your time" etc etc...

I'm going to give her space, but I just want to know what she was thinking? Why is she walking away if she loves me like she says? We were doing fine and we had a plan (not a fast one, but a plan) so I'm confused.. and God I miss her :(

Her not wanting to meet the family could be a factor here. She has a few insecurities she needs to work on too.

She could also have pressure from her family to follow goals that they set for her.

Whatever reason, just don't spend time pondering to the point where you stop living your life and going on. Time to start the healing process that we all have to deal with and set some goals.

Time is what is needed now to cope - and who knows, maybe all will work out.

Again, good luck, and keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chery

She could also have pressure from her family to follow goals that they set for her.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

Yes! She did say that her family set goals for her..