Ask Me Help Desk - Cannot work it out, girlfriend not in love with me after 5 yrs

Ok, not sure if this is going 2 work as its my 1st time on this site ( fingers crossed! )

Right, basically my problem is this...

I have been with my girlfriend for for just under 5 years. We lived together at my mums house, which as you can imagine was fairly difficult.. I mean they got on OK, but its not like we had our own space really! Pretty much since we got together all she wanted was for us to move out and be on our own! For the 1st 2 yrs of our relationship I didn't have a job as I suffered from social anxiety and found it difficult being around people and social situations, but eventually plucked up the courage to a get a job. I had a job that was only working night for one day a week, but I thought it was a big stepping stone for me, as I had been out of work 5 yrs in total! She always wanted me 2 hurry and get full time hours so we could hurry and move out, although it wasn't that easy to just do! Anyway, getting to the point, I finally found myself a full time job!

Now, in September she went on holiday for 2 weeks with her mum and sisters to spain, she rang me everyday saying that she missed me bla bla. I was invited to go with them, but although me and my girlfriend were together along time, I never really spent any time with her family ( because of my social phobia ) I know it sounds like an excuse, but I was just so nervous about being around them! Although she had major problems with me not going down to see them, she was fairly close to them!

Anyway, she come home from spain, came back to my mums ( where she lived ) and she was being all weird with me, I thought it was just shyness, but when I asked her if everything was OK, she broke down and told me she couldn't stay here anymore ( at my mums ) She said she needed time and space to sort her head out. She packed up alllllll of her stuff, and left for her mums. That night she texted me and said " i still want a relationship with you, but i just can't stay at ur mums nomore" I said that she contridicted everything she said previously as she said it was space she needed. This went back and forth for a while, until I said, look, you wanted space, I'm going to give you space, don't contact me until you figue out what it is you want. A day and a half later, she calls to see if I'm OK etc etc and it was then left as, we will be friends, see each other once a week without me pressuring her about anything ( although it was bloody hard )
I saw her once a week over the month, I took her to the cinema, watched films, went out to dinner, everything I could do to make it nice for her. Then on Saturday, I was getting ready to go out, and I foned her to say ello etc etc and just asked if she had thougt anymore about our situation, and she told me, " i love u, but dnt think i am in love wit u nemore" This is now the 3rd day of us not talking and to be honest, I don't really know what to do with myself... I said to her I couldn't ave contact with her if there is no chance of us getting back together, she wanted us 2 remain friends, but from what I read on this site, its not a good idea to do that!

Call me niave but I honestly don't believe she cheated on me whilst on holiday, but when she went away it seemed to ave changed her outlook on life, she said she wanted to do more things, but whilst we were together it was always her who didn't want to get out of bed as she was always to tired with the hours she works!

To be honest, I don't really know what I expect anyone 2 say about this?
I feel like I'm living in hope of her realizing she's made the wrong decision, I am unsure of how to "move on" as she's been such a major part of my life and is my 1st relationship. Can anyone make any sense out of this?

Quote:

Originally Posted by FrozenDiamondz

Ok, not sure if this is going 2 work as its my 1st time on this site ( fingers crossed! )

Right, basically my problem is this...

I have been with my girlfriend for for just under 5 years. We lived together at my mums house, which as u can imagine was fairly difficult..i mean they got on ok, but its not like we had our own space really! Pretty much since we got together all she wanted was for us to move out and be on our own! For the 1st 2 yrs of our relationship i didnt have a job as i suffered from social anxiety and found it difficult being around ppl and social situations, but eventually plucked up the courage to a get a job. I had a job that was only working night for one day a week, but i thought it was a big stepping stone for me, as i had been out of work 5 yrs in total! She always wanted me 2 hurry up and get full time hours so we could hurry up n move out, although it wasnt that easy to just do! Anyways, getting to the point, i finally found myself a full time job!

Now, in September she went on holiday for 2 weeks with her mum and sisters to spain, she rang me everyday sayin that she missed me bla bla. I was invited to go with them, but although me and my gf were together along time, i never really spent any time with her family ( cos of my social phobia ) I know it sounds like an excuse, but i was just so nervous about being around them! Although she had major problems with me not going down to see them, she was fairly close to them!

Anyways, she come home from spain, came back to my mums ( where she lived ) and she was being all weird with me, i thought it was just shyness, but wen i asked her if everything was ok, she broke down and told me she couldnt stay here anymore ( at my mums ) She said she needed time and space to sort her head out. She packed up alllllll of her stuff, and left for her mums. That night she texted me and said " i still want a relationship with you, but i just can't stay at ur mums nomore" i said that she contridicted everything she said previously as she said it was space she needed. This went back and forth for a while, untill i said, look, u wanted space, im going to give u space, dnt contact me untill u figue out what it is u want. A day and a half later, she calls to see if im ok etc etc and it was then left as, we will b friends, see each other once a week without me pressuring her about anything ( although it was bloody hard )
I saw her once a week over the month, i took her 2 the cinema, watched films, went out to dinner, everything i could do to make it nice for her. Then on Saturday, i was getting ready to go out, and i foned her to say ello ect etc and just asked if she had thougt nemore about our situation, and she told me, " i love u, but dnt think i am in love wit u nemore" This is now the 3rd day of us not talking and to be honest, i dnt really know what to do with myself...i said to her i cudnt ave contact with her if there is no chance of us gettin back together, she wanted us 2 remain friends, but from what i read on this site, its not a gud idea to do that!

Call me niave but i honestly dnt belive she cheated on me whilst on holiday, but wen she went away it seemed to ave changed her outlook on life, she said she wanted to do more things, but whilst we were together it was always her who didnt want to get out of bed as she was always to tired with the hours she works!

To be honest, i dnt really know what i expect anyone 2 say about this?!
I feel like im living in hope of her realizing shes made the wrong decision, i am unsure of how to "move on" as shes been such a major part of my life and is my 1st relationship. Can anyone make any sence out of this?

Well, In this case and not many cases I have commented on you got the "closure you needed" she was very honest with you and told you "I love you but I am not in Love with you" this is "the Break-up" you will feel sad, and you will think about her often for the next few, days, weeks, months.. It will be tough, it doesn't matter now if or if she did not cheat on you over the HOLIDAY because it's over... It's normal to feel hopes of getting back together.. The reason why people don't agree with Being FRIENDS is because first you need to heal yourself.. and as long as she is still apart of your life it will be harder for you to move on, and she may move on while you are waiting for her, and will expect you not to be upset because you are only FRIENDS... Just don't tell her that you can't be her friend because you are hurt... Just stop contact, until you can be around her and see or talk to her without those feelings coming back.. Then friends may be an option later in life.. Don't jump to quickly into another relationship as this will be a rebound, and you are trying to replace the relationship with what you had with your EX... Here are some tips.. I hope this Helps..

1. Take her off that pedestal
Don't idolize her and build her up into something great. She is nothing of the sort. So don't gaze lovingly at pictures of her. Don't jump to answer her e-mail or phone calls. And definitely don't go out of your way for her. She no longer deserves preferential treatment.

2. Get closure...
It's essential to definitively end any hopes of reconciliation between the two of you. And if you can't get that into your head, she owes you the courtesy of making it crystal clear. She should tell you: 'I never loved you. I don't love you now. We'll never get back together.' After some prodding, she'll probably do it, just to get rid of you. It provides what therapists call 'closure.' And you can begin to heal.

3.. . then don't contact her
After the relationship reaches finality, you have to break off contact or you will go mad. Don't beg or cry. Don't drunk-dial. Don't write her e-mail. Don't send packages or CDs. Don't dedicate a song to her on the radio. Geddit? She will find you if she wants to. And even if you can talk your way back into her arms, it's only a temporary reprieve. She already knows you want her back, and she doesn't care. Take that as a sign.

4. Get negative feelings out on paper
Write her a letter pouring out your negative and weepy feelings, then disassociate them from yourself. Throw the letter away or burn it. But definitely don't send it to her. You will only regret it. She will show her friends and her new boyfriend. And they will all share a good laugh.

5. Avoid her friends and any places she goes to
Don't venture into her territory. You won't be welcome. Find new places to hang out for the first few months and make new friends, if necessary. If any of your friends insist on maintaining contact with her, you may have to shut them out, too - at least temporarily. After some time has passed, you should go back to living normally, and that means hanging out at these places and reconnecting with your mutual friends.

6. Throw away anything that reminds you of her
You don't have to burn it all, but definitely get pictures, gifts, clothing, letters, and e-mail out of your living area, or at least out of your line of vision. If that means giving away roughly half of your wardrobe to get rid of the memory of her, so be it. As a rule of thumb, if the object makes you think of her, discard it. This can also save your sanity.

7. Don't try to get your stuff back
Unless it's a diamond ring or something that's one-of-a-kind, you're better off not contacting her to get it back. DVDs, clothes, your extra toothbrush... just let 'em go. They're only possessions. Is it really worth the pain of being in her presence just to reclaim a pair of boxer shorts? Don't exchange your dignity for menial belongings.

8. Spend time with your friends
Let your pals give you a wake up call on how your ex wasn't that perfect to begin with, and that there are more fish in the sea. A little male camaraderie can go a long way towards getting your head straight. We've all been detonated by a woman before and most of us will li9. Exercise your newfound freedom
Freedom is always intoxicating. There's a world of activities you can partake in that you were never able to enjoy because your 'other half' didn't approve. So indulge. Travel. Build a model ship. Go hiking. Play video games on your computer. Watch TV all weekend. Do anything you want. Why not start boxing? Ideally, you want to find an activity that allows you to release your anger and alleviate stress.

10. Remember the bad times
If you feel nostalgic, then think of all the times she was a cow to you. That should do it. Remember the time she made you wait by the dressing room as she endlessly tried on clothing? Or the time she reminded you not too drink too much in front of your mates? Nobody wants that back.

11 tips for getting over your ex: iVillage

Sounds like she is tired. She was living with you at your mothers house and she has voiced that she did not want to continue living there. However, you have no issue living with you mother and that is a problem. A woman does want to be with someone that can't or won't be dependent. You want her back get your own one bedroom apartment or studio and start doing for yourself. Once you get settled in your new place then give her a call from you new number and tell her that you have a place.

As for social phobia get help.

Yeah, social phobia part of it I have kind of dealt with it now, me having a full time job helped me a lot! But before she left, I did tell her that I had the money and deposit ready for a flat if she wanted it... n well that obviously wasn't enough!

This is going to be a long hard road that you now have to go on. The good news is at the end of the road you will be a drastically improved person in general.

Your ex was probably growing tired of the relationship, and the vacation may have been an eye opener to life without you. I know this sounds bad but it happened. It seems like she was fairly truthful with you, and as much as it hurts at first its 100 times better than being lied to and strung along. She laid out the facts for you, she isn't in love with you anymore. This is your signal to move on completely.

Its good that you have already read some advice here, so you have a basic idea of what people are going to tell you. First step is true no contact. Her stuff is gone, she's moved out and you have no reason to contact her now. Anything she says is only going to give you false hope and prevent you from moving on. Now you are going to ask if she is going to forget about you if you don't call her. I don't want to get your hopes up because it doesn't happen very often, but the only way to get her interested in you again is real No contact. But you really need to do it for yourself, not to get her back. As hard as it is (and you probably won't be able to do it in the first month) but pack up everything that reminds you of her, pictures etc and box them up. You are not allowed to open that box until you have absolutely no feelings left for this girl. Throwing the stuff away is a little harsh because some day you will want to look back on this part of your life.

Next you mentioned your social anxiety as a cause of a few problems in your life. Use this next year to help yourself. I don't know to what extent you will be able to get over it, but I'm sure you can make improvements. I would hope you have been seeing some professional about it? If not go. I imagine you spent a lot of time at home, and this can't be healthy for you or your past relationship.

I had some more stuff to say but I forgot it while typing the other stuff... when I remember it I shall return!

Quote:

Originally Posted by FrozenDiamondz

Yeah, social phobia part of it i have kinda dealt with it now, me having a full time job helped me alot! But before she left, i did tell her that i had the money and deposit ready for a flat if she wanted it...n well that obviously wasnt enough!

Of course it wouldn't because you would just be content at where you are, which means if you haven't tried to change your situtation without her mentioning something.. there was no way they would change.. One thing women we don't like to tell anyone what they should be doing.. We also don't like to tell someone they are irresponsible unless we are upset and then the truth just comes out... But with this time that you have now to be alone work on Bettering yourself.. Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.”

Lol OK thanks... but to be honest, with my social phobia thing... its really not that bad anymore, it was when I first got with her, which is why it took so long to get a job etc etc, but the last two yrs I have held down a job... it was kind of her who didn't really want to go out and do much, as I said she was tired with the hours she does most of the time. Which is what confuses me, she wants to be by herself and explore the world, but yet she could rarely be bothered to go out for dinner or a film?

And also, so things don't get confusing, I am female, this was a lesbian relationship... not that it makes a diff, but I'm a girl :o)

Quote:

Originally Posted by FrozenDiamondz

And also, so things dont get confusing, i am female, this was a lesbian relationship...not that it makes a diff, but im a girl :o)

Well if I ever used "he" then just insert she in it.. but now that we established that it doesn't matter, everyone goes through the same situations, maybe different circumstances but yet the same advice applies... I am glad you are overcoming your social phobia..

I believe over the time of her living at her moms that she found someone else.I understand how you feel about not remaining friends it is quite hard after five years but there probably isn't a chance of you getting back together.

The problem here is that she believes love is supposed to be unconditional. This why we get this stupid line "I love you but I'm in love you with" She goes on vacation with her family and they get to talking about her living situation. She is the truth in what they are telling her which is you will never leave your mothers house has long as she accepts it. Then she comes home and moves out. Break the contact... move out your mothers house and get your own place. Don't speak to her about moving out just do it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by FrozenDiamondz

Ok, not sure if this is going 2 work as its my 1st time on this site ( fingers crossed! )

Right, basically my problem is this...

I have been with my girlfriend for for just under 5 years. We lived together at my mums house, which as u can imagine was fairly difficult..i mean they got on ok, but its not like we had our own space really! Pretty much since we got together all she wanted was for us to move out and be on our own! For the 1st 2 yrs of our relationship i didnt have a job as i suffered from social anxiety and found it difficult being around ppl and social situations, but eventually plucked up the courage to a get a job. I had a job that was only working night for one day a week, but i thought it was a big stepping stone for me, as i had been out of work 5 yrs in total! She always wanted me 2 hurry up and get full time hours so we could hurry up n move out, although it wasnt that easy to just do! Anyways, getting to the point, i finally found myself a full time job!

Now, in September she went on holiday for 2 weeks with her mum and sisters to spain, she rang me everyday sayin that she missed me bla bla. I was invited to go with them, but although me and my gf were together along time, i never really spent any time with her family ( cos of my social phobia ) I know it sounds like an excuse, but i was just so nervous about being around them! Although she had major problems with me not going down to see them, she was fairly close to them!

Anyways, she come home from spain, came back to my mums ( where she lived ) and she was being all weird with me, i thought it was just shyness, but wen i asked her if everything was ok, she broke down and told me she couldnt stay here anymore ( at my mums ) She said she needed time and space to sort her head out. She packed up alllllll of her stuff, and left for her mums. That night she texted me and said " i still want a relationship with you, but i just can't stay at ur mums nomore" i said that she contridicted everything she said previously as she said it was space she needed. This went back and forth for a while, untill i said, look, u wanted space, im going to give u space, dnt contact me untill u figue out what it is u want. A day and a half later, she calls to see if im ok etc etc and it was then left as, we will b friends, see each other once a week without me pressuring her about anything ( although it was bloody hard )
I saw her once a week over the month, i took her 2 the cinema, watched films, went out to dinner, everything i could do to make it nice for her. Then on Saturday, i was getting ready to go out, and i foned her to say ello ect etc and just asked if she had thougt nemore about our situation, and she told me, " i love u, but dnt think i am in love wit u nemore" This is now the 3rd day of us not talking and to be honest, i dnt really know what to do with myself...i said to her i cudnt ave contact with her if there is no chance of us gettin back together, she wanted us 2 remain friends, but from what i read on this site, its not a gud idea to do that!

Call me niave but i honestly dnt belive she cheated on me whilst on holiday, but wen she went away it seemed to ave changed her outlook on life, she said she wanted to do more things, but whilst we were together it was always her who didnt want to get out of bed as she was always to tired with the hours she works!

To be honest, i dnt really know what i expect anyone 2 say about this?!
I feel like im living in hope of her realizing shes made the wrong decision, i am unsure of how to "move on" as shes been such a major part of my life and is my 1st relationship. Can anyone make any sence out of this?

I think the time away from you made her realize that a life with you is not what she wants. It's as simple as that. She did not like living with you and your mom, and maybe she just wants more out of life.
She put in 5 years with you and could not see continuing. While you are probably hurting, you should let her go and start doing more things with your life. Perhaps one day you will be ready to leave the nest as well.
I wish you well.

I think your friend was just tired of how things were and no longer wanted to deal with it. She had a eye opener, and this can be yours as well. She is doing what she needed to do for her, now you need to continue to move on with your life.
You two were together a long time, I see no reason you can't be friends if you think you can handle it.
Sometimes people figure out that where they are is not a place that is good for them and move on. This sounds like what she did. Nothing sinister, just self preservation.