I will be married 2 years in December. We have one 16 month old little boy. I am very young, 21 years old and he is 23. We only dated 4 months before I got pregnant and then got married. We really rushed into marriage I guess because I was pregnant. I guess I didn't even know him when we got married. I do love him but we have had so many problems. He is the most controlling and immature man (boy) I know. He has a very bad temper. He can be good sometimes but then there are those other times that I just don't even want to go home. I feel very lost and am not sure what to do. I am not in love with him. He has a very bad problem spending money that we don't have and has put us in bad situations with bills and things like that... we even had to move into his fathers house at one point. He hasn't been a great father either. He never even changed a diaper until like a month ago! He does nothing but sit on his butt and watch TV when we come home. It's like fighting tooth and nail to get him to do something and that's IF he will do it. I am just very unhappy and have been for a long time now. I work & take care of our child plus all of the housework & cooking. I have tried talking to him about all of these things and even begged to go to marriage counseling. Then on top of this all I never got over my ex. We broke up and then 2 weeks later my now husband didn't leave my side since. What should I do?

If he is a bad husband and father and wastes money/has problems paying bills and you don't love him, there's no legitimate reason for staying together. You may feel bad putting your child through a divorce but he is so young, he won't really remember much and also, your husband can still be in his life. You are young, you can work hard and live as a single mom, and with the help of child support, it'll be okay. I'm not going to tell you to leave him, that's just my opinion, but I'm not saying it's a good plan to stay either. Good luck.

I was in your same situation 28 years ago, I got married very young because I was pregnant. Do not feel you have to stay where you are not happy. The most important thing for you to think about is the welfare of your son. If you are not happy you can not provide a happy environment. I'm not saying you have to leave, but you need to establish some ground rules. Possibly counceling. You're both young, still have a lot of growing up to do also. Maybe you could try a trial separation, if your love for each other is strong enough this will not be a problem, as you will actually spend more quality time together. I know this sounds crazy but it's true. You will make time for each other when you don't see each other every minute, and that time together will not be tense and stressfull. You can work through issues and make better decissions where your son is concerned. Build a foundation for your family to grow. It opens up a forum for talking.

Yeah we have been apart... I left him at the beach this summer. I got so mad because I already felt like I do now and he left me & our son at the house while him and his friend took off until 3 or 4 in the morning. I told him if he did that I was packing my crap and going home. So that's what I did... I threw his pillow in front of the door and locked it. Then at 7:00 in the morning my son and I went home. After that he promised he would change and go to counseling blah blah blah. Anyway he didn't do anything as usual! I stayed away from him for a week. So yes I have tried being apart (not for long). I feel like I have done all the growing up and he still acts like he is in high school. I know we are young but we are a family now and there is a time and place for going out and acting like that. Nothing gets through to him... he gets defensive and cannot talk to me about anything. Its ridiculous! I still need a little help about this though... I am still in love with my ex. I can't get him off my mind. I know you are probably going to say well that might be why I am unhappy with my husband. I will answer that... no that's not it. I was just very very much in love with him. I got pregnant and then felt like I had to stay with my husband.

You're right, his is very immature. He's not even ready for marriage. By the sounds of it he doesn't know what having responsibilities are all about. In my opinion I would have left him long ago. Just think, do you want your kid to grow up and learn his bad habbits of not being a responsible man? He doesn't seem to be a good role model now does he? Just because you got pregnant doesn't mean you should feel forced to marry him. Take a lesson from that and don't be intimate with someone you're not in a committed relationship with.

Can anyone still give me some more insight about this?

If you want to make it work, try marriage couselling. Do you want to be with him, cause I got the immpression that you don't. Try some couselling, but if you don't want to be with him, then don't be with him. Like you said, you didn't really know him when you got married, so either get to know him and sort things out, or leave him if you don't want to be with him.

CarolinaChick,

The best advice I could offer you is just to be perfectly and completely honest with yourself. You have gone through such a HUGE transition becoming a mom and a wife in such a short period and you're also so young. Sometimes it's hard to admit your own contributions to a failing relationship. If you could work in some time together to remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place, that'd probably help a lot. Some sort of counselling might help get you two started with communicating better. If he won't go with you, go alone.
As for your past lover... it's dangerous to live in the past. You've changed... you are married and brought a child into this world. Don't create any unreasonable fantasies about your past love. And for goodness sakes, don't initiate any contact with your former lover until you've exhausted all your resources to make your current marriage work. Don't start another relationship unless your current marriage is over and finalized. If you think you're confused now...
I wish you the best.

You must think of what is best for the child! You can't be super woman! You need help too. If your not in love with him don't waist more time being unhappy. Look at your son and decide what will be best for him... I had to do the same thing with my daughter its not easy but you will thank yourself later

What did you expect would happen when you jump from one guy to another and get pregnant and married all within half a year. Not only were you so not ready for any of this, your looking for a way out, without regard for paying the consequenses of your actions. You have placed all your problems at the feet of this new husband, who wasn't ready either, but the truth is your as responsible, by your actions as he is. Recognise the part you have played in this drama, and stop blaming his shortcomings ALL on him. You don't need to be married, You don't need a b/f, but you do need to work with your babys' father for your child welfare. No more running clueless. Divorce if you must, but you both must put the child's needs first, and work together, and if you haven't gotten over the b/f, do so, and stop being selfish. Being single and on your own, is what you need to grow up, and make better more mature decisions.

Ok... talaniman... that was a little harsh but that's OK. No I am not blaming everything on him. Yes I know I have faults too. I have just tried so hard to make everything work between us and our family. I am burnt out. I do love him and would love to make things work... just don't think I ever had time to really fall IN love with him. He will not go to counseling with me much less actually sit down and talk to me about it. I have tried time and time again but he just gets defensive. I don't sit and tell him his faults... I just try to let him understand that I want things to work and be happy together instead of neither one of us ever wanting to come home to each other. I think my problem with my ex is just a little bit of a fantasy... hoping and thinking I could be happy one day. I do not speak to him and haven't since we broke up. That's just always in the back of my head. In my opinion I will never stay with someone because of my child. My child will be more unhappy with us together & arguing all the time than apart. Anyway I just wanted some insight from other people and some of you helped. Thank you. I just have some really hard thinking to do. If anyone else has anything to add I will appreciate it.

You cannot change him, but you can change you. Take charge of your own finances and do what you must for the family, making your home the best you can and if he cannot follow your example, don't chastise, merely let him do for himself. Not only is your good example needed by all, but he does need to contribute. You are both so young argueing will not bring you to a point of working together, but by not argueing, and not stirring up the emotional dust, maybe you can get to the point of talking, and listening. So essential to a good relationship. This will give him a chance to see what's needed by him to help. If he cannot get with the program, then you can pursue other options. I don't know your circumstances, but a counselor can guide you through the process of how to communicate better, and developing coping skills that can relieve the stress and tension. With or without him, this can help. Hey I know its not easy building a life, but I wish you the best luck and hope I have helped.

Dear Carolinachick, seems to me as if you two need some time alone to sort yourselves out. You say you love him, I bet you do. He also does seem immature. Time alone won't cure that. It took my husband years to develop into the caring wonderful man he is today. He was irresponsible with money, and partied with friends. He made a good income, but spent it on "boys toys".
I was the parent to our small children, and had to stay home with them while he scuba dived with his brother, or went caving, or rock climbing, or prospecting, or hunting, or bowling, or just out getting beers. It was very difficult when we were young.
Does he have a responsible male adult in his life you could confide in? If he does, see if you can't enlist a little help getting him to some sort of counseling. Young men can be very influenced by the older men in their lives. As long as the advisor has good insight and values.
Other than that, make your own plans, no one should suffer because their mate is not doing his or her part in a marriage.

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Originally Posted by CarolinaChick

He does nothing but sit on his butt and watch TV when we come home. It's like fighting tooth and nail to get him to do something and thats IF he will do it......I work & take care of our child plus all of the housework & cooking.

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This part sounds like the typical man.

What do I do if my wife hits me?

Definitely get with a counselor; tell him/her you want to try a period of separation because you are married to an immature husband who needs a refresher course in growing up, and that you don't want to be his mother. Your objective is to have a responsible husband and as much romance in your relationship as possible. If your husband doesn't, can't, or refuses to measure up, divorce him.

Carolina,
If he will not go to counseling, go by yourself. It will help you, and possibly inspire him to join you once he sees how serious you are. It sounds as if he has a lot of growing up to do and sadly, you won't be able to do much for him, he has to see the problem and do his part to fix it. With your own counseling, at least you can say you gave it your best shot if this marriage comes to an end.

In the mean time, it would be wise to get your own financial situation in order should the time come that you have to separate.

On the subject of your ex, I can't really comment on your personal relationship...
However, bare in mind that you may feel "love" that isn't true. Its very likely that because you did not have closure at the end of the relationship, combined with the ill feelings you have for your husband, you are romanticizing your previous relationship. Also, after 2 years and you becoming a mother, you have obviously changed as a person... as I'm sure your ex has. There is no guarantee that you could have the same relationship you once did. Right now, its time to focus on getting your marriage settled in one way or another so you know what the future holds for you and your son.

Good luck!