Hi there,

I've posted a few times on this site in the past few months but will give a bit of background before talking about my new topic/issue. Myself and my ex broke up just over four months ago, it wasn't very clean, though it probably could have been. We had been together about a year and a half and a culmination of a series of incidents and a perception of a lack of commitment on my part led to her to break up with me. I had hoped that some time and distance would lead to reconsider but when we spoke about two months later she had clearly blocked me out and had decided not to relate to me on anything but the most superficial level. So about three weeks ago I left the town had moved to to be with her and returned to my university town (I'm a grad student so am quite flexible) and its here that I take p the story...

In the four months since I broke up with my ex I've seen a few girls and had a few flings (actually my leaving town was kind of precipated by my ex coming into a club about 5 weeks ago where I was with someone else and I realised that I couldn't be around her anymore.). They have not been anything serious but about three weeks ago I met a great new woman, we hit it off really well, are in a similar line of work, got similar interests, have great sex... the problem is the spectre of my ex which hangs over me, at every turn this girl is not my ex, obviously, but I find myself thinking about my ex when I'm with her... which I actually find quite disturbing.

I have found separation from my ex really hard. I still dream about her EVERY night... and she's still the first thought in my head when I wake up... I just don't know what to do with this new girl, my ex and I are over forever. Period. Of that there is no doubt so what is the point of me just sitting pining for her when I could start something new with somebody I am attracted to. I guess the question I have is how to proceed in this new relationship given my state. The new girl lives in another town (which is good I think, as it stops us spending too much time together too quickly which I think would kill anything), we have spent the last three weekends together and got on really well... what I want is to get past the thoughts of my ex, or at least manage them better, and also to try and figure out if I'm in total rebound territory... any suggestions/advice would be great!

Thanks,

s.

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Originally Posted by scrittipolitti

hi there,

i've posted a few times on this site in the past few months but will give a bit of background before talking about my new topic/issue. myself and my ex broke up just over four months ago, it wasn't very clean, though it probably could have been. we had been together about a year and a half and a culmination of a series of incidents and a perception of a lack of commitment on my part led to her to break up with me. i had hoped that some time and distance would lead to reconsider but when we spoke about two months later she had clearly blocked me out and had decided not to relate to me on anything but the most superficial level. So about three weeks ago i left the town had moved to to be with her and returned to my university town (i'm a grad student so am quite flexible) and its here that i take p the story...

In the four months since i broke up with my ex i've seen a few girls and had a few flings (actually my leaving town was kind of precipated by my ex coming into a club about 5 weeks ago where i was with someone else and i realised that i couldnt be around her anymore.). they have not been anything serious but about three weeks ago i met a great new woman, we hit it off really well, are in a similar line of work, got similar interests, have great sex...the problem is the spectre of my ex which hangs over me, at every turn this girl is not my ex, obviously, but i find myself thinking about my ex when i'm with her....which i actually find quite disturbing.

i have found separation from my ex really hard. i still dream about her EVERY night...and shes still the first thought in my head when i wake up...i just dont know what to do with this new girl, my ex and i are over forever. period. of that there is no doubt so what is the point of me just sitting pining for her when i could start something new with somebody i am attracted to. i guess the question i have is how to proceed in this new relationship given my state. the new girl lives in another town (which is good i think, as it stops us spending too much time together too quickly which i think would kill anything), we have spent the last three weekends together and got on really well....what i want is to get past the thoughts of my ex, or at least manage them better, and also to try and figure out if i'm in total rebound territory...any suggestions/advice would be great!

thanks,

s.

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In a nutshell, basically if you are still thinking about your ex constantly even though you said it's completely over, then you have not healed yet. When You are able to look at her and speak her name without it affecting you then and only then will you know it's completely over and can move on without guilt. In the meantime it is great that you are going out with someone and keeping busy.. Just keep a good amount of space between you and this new girl.. I would have not suggested that you have sex with her but you did already... Just take your time with her, Don't spend so much time together in yet so quickly because you start to become attached to the person.. Which makes it harder for both parties if things don't work out...

Thanks, I guess I know myself that feeling the way I do is a sign that I've not healed yet. I'm the kind of person that takes a long while to get over things (my last serious girlfriend took around two years to get over... and the relationship I had during that period really was scuttled from the off because of that), so I'm trying to learn from previous experience... she is going away for work for two weeks after next weekend so I won't see her for three weeks, might be good to have some space to see how I feel about things in the interim. The attachment thing is something I am quite wary of, especially as it is so easy to fall into. She is very keen on me and contacts me very regularly, I really like her but am reluctant to get attached to her for all the reasons I've already stated. I guess I'd like to tell her I care but don't want to get too close too soon, but is there an way of saying this that doesn't make it sound like I'm playing with her?

I was in the same boat as you, and I realized I couldn't do it. In some weird twisted way, the new girl kept reminding me of my ex. In fact I thought more about my ex when I was with this girl then when I was alone. I knew I wasn't ready and I told her so, to her dismay but I had to do it. I would say to take it very slow if you want things to work out.

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Originally Posted by scrittipolitti

thanks, i guess i know myself that feeling the way i do is a sign that i've not healed yet. i'm the kind of person that takes a long while to get over things (my last serious girlfriend took around two years to get over...and the relationship i had during that period really was scuttled from the off because of that), so i'm trying to learn from previous experience...she is going away for work for two weeks after next weekend so i wont see her for three weeks, might be good to have some space to see how i feel about things in the interim. the attachment thing is something i am quite wary of, especially as it is so easy to fall into. she is very keen on me and contacts me very regularly, i really like her but am reluctant to get attached to her for all the reasons i've already stated. i guess i'd like to tell her i care but dont want to get too close too soon, but is there an way of saying this that doesnt make it sound like i'm playing with her?

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Hmmm this will be hard being that you had sex with her already and you don't want her to think that's all you wanted... But you can talk to her just don't be available every time she contacts you. Tell her how you feel about her and tell her that you want to take things slow.. Make sure you are clear and don't give mixed feelings.. Sex should cease as this will complicate the situation tell her you like her and respect her and would like to wait until you figure things out... Just tell her right now you couldn't give her all she deserves right now because of what you just went through.. But ask her to be patient.. at this point she will listen and she will make a decision if she can wait or not..

Just be honest but be sincere..