Ask Me Help Desk - I don't know what to do for my brother.

My parents got divorced 4 years ago, I was 21 and my brother was 19. He took it much harder than I did (and I took it pretty hard, my mom treated me like crap through the whole thing and made me feel like an outcast.) She remarried and now she is treating my brother like crap, too. He is the baby in the family, he has always been treated very well and is not used to this at all. I expected the behavior, but he could have in no way prepared himself for this. Our family was very close, up until a year before the divorce papers were filed. Everything fell apart after that. Now, my brother works constantly, he works 6 days a week, 60 hours per week. He tells me that he doesn't want time to himself, to be alone and think. I feel like he is wasting years of his life working all the time to distract himself from the pain of the ordeal. It has devastated my family. I didn't lose all of my joy, and I am still thankful that I have my little brother, I love him more than anyone in the entire world. He is just in so much pain over this. I know that no one can make anyone else do anything, including doing good for theirself, but I do not know what to do to help him. He is 23 now, and I am 25, and seeing him hurt like this is just killing me inside and he doesn't deserve this treatment from our mother (neither do I, but I can deal with it. However, it is hurting him very much.) I also know that the reason our mother is acting like this is because of her new husband. He hates everything having to do with the past of our family and that we were a family before he came along. He even convinced my mom to get rid of all our family albums, baby pictures, etc. Thankfully, I found out before it was too late and took them to my house. I know that my brother won't agree to go to a counselor. I just wish that there was something I could say or do to make him sealize how valuable he is, how much he means to me, and how valuable life is and that he shouldn't be wasting it working all the time and trying to ignore the feelings he has inside. He is such a special person, always helping someone, always fixing someone's car for free, he is such a good person, and funny, it just kills me to see him going through this.

I wouldn't be having anything to do with my mother at all if she ever treated me this way until she thought about what she was doing to her own family. At the end there you were describing about what you've wanted to tell your brother (ie- valuable, special etc) THOSE are the things you NEED to tell him. Because EVERYONE is valuable, special etc. Be there with him and I wouldn't have anything to do with my mother until she realized how many people she hurt because of her actions. Tell him all the things you love about him like you stated before and ALWAYS be there for him no matter how hard the situation can be. Tell him that your always there for him and that it's going to be OK as long as your still both together as a small family. What your mother did, after all, was pretty rough and no-one should be treated this way :) Hope this helps!

Wow, that's rough. Maybe you can help him by taking him out to do things and relax, and being there for him to talk to. Don't push or pry too much, but let him know you are there for him and you care and he will be all right no matter what.

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Originally Posted by sunnybunni

My parents got divorced 4 years ago, I was 21 and my brother was 19. He took it much harder than I did (and I took it pretty hard, my mom treated me like crap through the whole thing and made me feel like an outcast.) She remarried and now she is treating my brother like crap, too. He is the baby in the family, he has always been treated very well and is not used to this at all. I expected the behavior, but he could have in no way prepared himself for this. Our family was very close, up until a year before the divorce papers were filed. Everything fell apart after that. Now, my brother works constantly, he works 6 days a week, 60 hours per week. He tells me that he doesn't want time to himself, to be alone and think. I feel like he is wasting years of his life working all the time to distract himself from the pain of the ordeal. It has devestated my family. I didn't lose all of my joy, and I am still thankful that I have my little brother, I love him more than anyone in the entire world. He is just in so much pain over this. I know that no one can make anyone else do anything, including doing good for theirself, but I do not know what to do to help him. He is 23 now, and I am 25, and seeing him hurt like this is just killing me inside and he doesn't deserve this treatment from our mother (neither do I, but I can deal with it. However, it is hurting him very much.) I also know that the reason our mother is acting like this is because of her new husband. He hates everything having to do with the past of our family and that we were a family before he came along. He even convinced my mom to get rid of all our family albums, baby pictures, etc. Thankfully, I found out before it was too late and took them to my house. I know that my brother won't agree to go to a counselor. I just wish that there was something I could say or do to make him sealize how valuable he is, how much he means to me, and how valuable life is and that he shouldn't be wasting it working all the time and trying to ignore the feelings he has inside. He is such a special person, always helping someone, always fixing someone's car for free, he is such a good person, and funny, it just kills me to see him going through this.

HI, I am so sorry for what you are going through I know it must be unexplainable. I know you are hurting right now but I do agree with you I believe your brother needs some counciling because holding things in doesn't hep it just builds and builds until there is no more room to build. Maybe you can offer to go with him to sessions since it is something that has happened to the two of you and he may feel more comfortable. Does your mom know how he feels? I don't really know what else to say other than he is lucky to have such an awesome sister as you, Neither of you deserve to be hurting like this, he surely needs support such as counciling, & my heart goes out to you!. I hope you the best and I know the Good Lord will help your Brother during his weaknesses, :),. I wish you all the happiness possible!

Thank you. I do let him know how I feel. I believe that it hurts him too much to bear, to think about it. Which is why he works himself like a dog almost every single day. He believes in God, but recently has told me that he doesn't care. It scares me because I know all about the whole depression downward spiral. I also lost a friend last May who committed suicide. 2 nights ago I had a dream that my brother killed himself. Then in the same dream, he was there, and he was still alive, but his condition was just sadness and it made him physically weak. In that dream we found a house to live in together and he was happier.

I do let him know how I feel. I am afraid he is becoming comfortable in his misery. I don't want him to get into that numbness, where one doesn't care what happens to theirself. I am afraid he may already have. I am going to see him tomorrow, our father who lives in another state is in town as of today, he and my brother are coming over for dinner. I am hoping he doesn't call me, too tired to come over. I want to talk with him again. He knows I am here for him. I just want him to feel comfort from it. I want him to feel hope.