OK lets see I've been married more than 13 yrs but left the home I am still in love with my husband and he says he still in love with me I sometimes I want to be married sometimes not I am unsure about going home but I know the past is the past there was no physical or mental abuse sometimes I just don't want to be there it's like I am waiting on a desire to go home but the feeling hasn't come we do have young kids and I often think about them the separation was suppose to be temporary but has lasted 24 months I am tired and I don't want to cont to hurt him I just want to be sure with the right decision that I make I know if I file for a divorce I will regret it I feel like I am stuck in the middle of the road and unsure of what way to go this is really tearing me up I don't know what to do this has gone on too long its not healthy for either person, I can not move forward until I make a decision one way or the other and I can't each time I see or talk to him and divorce comes up we just can't seem to cont the conversation somebody breaks down and gets emotional and we are back at square one again he won't see a professional he says we can fix this our self how long is long enough I know you shouldn't hurt the ones you love I'm trying and haven't come with the right solution can somebody PLEASE give me some advice.

Well this is a tough question.. It really depends too on the circumstances for splitting?? EX; Is he controlling? Are you curious to be with someone else? Communication? What led you to feel to where you didn't want to be married anymore? What is it that is keeping you away from him?

Ask yourself these questions then I will give you an activity that you can do with your husband. It is a tough situation especially when he don't want to seek counseling..

I agree with Jolienoire
Was it that you two just couldn't agree on anything, were you always arguing, or did you feel like you 'needed your space', was he wanting you to be more like his mom, or what? Since he refuses to go to counseling you might want to try reading John Grays books Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus books. They might answer some of your problems.

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

Well this is a tough question.. It really depends too on the circumstances for splitting??? EX; Is he controlling? Are you curious to be with someone else? Communication? What led you to feel to where you didn't want to be married anymore? What is it that is keeping you away from him?

ask yourself these questions then I will give you an activity that you can do with your husband. It is a tough situation especially when he don't want to seek counseling..

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Not controlling no else in the picture or have that desire he liked to hand out with friends to wee hours of the morning. Some days I want to be married some days I don't and before and if I go back I have to be sure I don't want to go back and hurt him more I know there is no guarantee I am not feeling the desire to be in the home but am deeply in love with him I cry often because I don't know what to do

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Originally Posted by Butterfly300

not controlling no else in the picture or have that desire he liked to hand out with friends to wee hours of the morning. Some days i want to be married some days i dont and before and if i go back i have to be sure i dont want to go back and hurt him more i know there is no guarantee iam not feeling the desire to be in the home but am deeply in love with him i cry often because i dont know what to do

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Okay I understand what you are saying.. from what I gather there is something that is making you feel you don't want to stay.. Everyone gets that way it's the feeling of I want to be married when things are good. When they are bad I want OUT, we are all responsible for those feelings. Have you tried going to counseling alone? Because in order to work on anything you have to work on yourself, first.. Find out what is not making you happy... If you love him deeply then you should try this write down on a piece of paper all the good things, and on the otherside write down all the things you don't like, write down the benefits of staying and the benefits of leaving.. Look at your results, look at the bad first and evaluate those of that that can be fixed.. I bet they are things that can be worked out... Sounds to me you can be suffering depression, I know I know we don't like to admit that but your situation of being confused can cause you to become depress and you may make sudden decisions without thinking about the after affect, I would suggest counseling... Once you work on yourself, you can then begin to invite your husband to the sessions... It will not be easy, but whatever is keeping you away has something to do with you, SO focus on you first then you can focus on your marriage..

This is my opinion..

If he was never there for you emotionally and so forth it most likely will be the same if and when you go back. You are wanting to work things out because you have feelings for him, but unless you two have a real relationship where he gives back in the relationship you will not be happy and leave again. Remembering the good times makes you want to be with him. It is often easy to remember those times and forget the issues that caused you to drift apart. Even if you are willing to work it out if he wants to continue from where you left off you are most likely taking steps backwards if you go back to him.

U took marriage vows right?!

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Originally Posted by mjl

u took marriage vows right????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Well so do a lot of people I have not cheated or anything like that its just that this feelings are hard to ignore I want to be sure I don't him to be unhappy just because I am not sure I want to stay married it has been 14 yearsit wouldn't be fair to him and I love him I don't want to hurt but it wouldn't be fair to hime for me to return to the home and not give my all in a relationship I know there are ups nad downs gives and take I just have to feel it again

I would say counseling. I know you said he isn't for it, but what you are doing isn't working. Sometimes a third party can be helpful. A counselor can guide you and help you get it all out and make sense of it all.

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Originally Posted by NowWhat

I would say counseling. I know you said he isn't for it, but what you are doing isn't working. Sometimes a third party can be helpful. A counselor can guide you and help you get it all out and make sense of it all.

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I don't mind going to counseling but he says no! It's a waste of time that most people end up divorced afterwards, anyway so my hands are tied unless someone could convince him to go

Here's the trick. Go without him. Find a counselor that does both marriage and individual (most do). Also, if you are at a point where you do not know what else to do - you don't ASK him, you tell him that this is what YOU need to do in order for this to work. He has to meet you half way. Everything can not be on his terms alone. This is a 2 way street. He needs to work with you.

Tell him - "is this working for us?" NO, then we need to try something else.
Let him know when you have appointments set up, where they are and let him know that you want him to be there.

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Originally Posted by NowWhat

Here's the trick. Go without him. Find a counselor that does both marriage and individual (most do). Also, if you are at a point where you do not know what else to do - you don't ASK him, you tell him that this is what YOU need to do in order for this to work. He has to meet you half way. Everything can not be on his terms alone. This is a 2 way street. He needs to work with you.

Tell him - "is this working for us?" NO, then we need to try something else.
Let him know when you have appointments set up, where they are and let him know that you want him to be there.

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I said I was going to try that but I am a little nervous I have never been in a situation like this honesty I'm scared I can understand where the feelings came from not wanting to one day the next day wanted to but my love doesn't wavier for him maybe I'm just scared that if I go back the history will repeat itself he says he done but I want to be hisself. Sometimes and I not sure the pain doesn't seem as bad as it once was and I was hoping by now I would be out of love with him and moving on with my life but it hasn't happen yet I still see him a few times a week due to the children,I don't want to make a mistake and end up regretting it by divorce we had a decent marriage ups and downs but I know that's what makes a marriage stronger I don't know I'm stuck in the middle I'm trying to make a decision that would be best for everyone thanks for your shoulder.