I saw this guy for about 5 months since yesterday. There is an age difference, I am 7 years older than him and he had no problem with it. The funny thing is, though I'm older, one would ASSUME that I was the one who is marriage-happy. Not true. See, marriage itself is not my end goal. Love is. In fact, he is Mr. Nice Guy and is all moral and stuff. Which I adore. At any rate, at one point he said he wanted space and then he said he was scared to commit because he's been hurt by many many influential people in his life. Oddly enough, we declared each other as BF/GF and said "I Love You," so I thought that WAS a commitment. Anyway, I backed off, we slowed down on seeing each other. But I guess it wasn't enough. Because he dumped me yesterday. What kills me is... he says he loves me. He just can't support a relationship right now. He did work 2 jobs at a whopping 70 hours a week. But he JUST quit the one, and he says he still doesn't feel up to snuff health/mental wise. He says yeah, he could tell me to wait... but he says he isn't that rude. I really don't know what to do...

I want to be with him. I read some posts and it says "Don't call for 2 months." Does this apply to me. And before I set out on that mission... do I give back his stuff and let go? Or do I ask if we should TRY again in two months?

I don't know... it really sucks giving up on someone who you know loves you, but the timing is really messed up.

Okay, I know you may love him and I know he told you he loves you. But if you want to be with him you need to give him what he is asking for. It has only been a day. But do not contact him, Trust me as it will only make it harder to cope. Often times we don't understand where this sudden breakups come from. Whatever his reason is he stated he don't want to continue with the relationship. In the meantime, it will be a ride but take this time to focus on you, and if and when he realize that he can't be without you he will return if it was meant to be. Just give him the time. As far as his belongings, hold on to them, don't make him think you are angry with his decision and only if he ask for them you return. Let him make the contact.

Thank you so much! It has been since Thursday and I made no contact. I am very proud of myself. He has made no contact with me and hasn't said anything about his stuff. Weird.

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

and if and when he realize that he can't be without you he will return if it was meant to be.

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Sometimes I wonder... are men too proud to go back to someone they love? I mean, if I dumped someone and it was wrong, I think I would personally be too proud to go back.

Also, though I will wait to give him his stuff... I have a letter I wanted to give him. A non-mushy letter. Just a letter stating what I think is really going on, basically the fact that he loves me and he's afraid to be hurt. The letter also states that I will give him his freedom.


But I don't know... maybe I shouldn't give him a letter... I did that once for a guy like 9 years ago and it had a good outcome. It was a similar situation. We were in love, but he got all scared and tried to bolt. I gave him a letter that I guess he kept re-reading, and in no more than 2 months he was back at my door. However, I didn't want him then. Lol.

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Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

Thank you so much! It has been since Thursday and I made no contact. I am very proud of myself. He has made no contact with me and hasn't said anything about his stuff. Weird.



Sometimes I wonder....are men too proud to go back to someone they love? I mean, if I dumped someone and it was wrong, I think I would personally be too proud to go back.

Also, though I will wait to give him his stuff....I have a letter I wanted to give him. A non-mushy letter. Just a letter stating what I think is really going on, basically the fact that he loves me and he's afraid to be hurt. The letter also states that I will give him his freedom.


But I dunno....maybe I shouldn't give him a letter... I did that once for a guy like 9 years ago and it had a good outcome. It was a similar situation. We were in love, but he got all scared and tried to bolt. I gave him a letter that I guess he kept re-reading, and in no more than 2 months he was back at my door. However, I didn't want him then. lol.

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I know exactly how you feel was in a similar situation as you, and I am in the situation now, the twist to my scenario is that I did the NC as I told you to do, I didn't call him or reach out to him all week.. Meanwhile he had my house keys I didn't even ask for them back however I received an email from him stating he would mail my keys, Okay so I didn't respond to that email I left my house yesterday for a few hours only to come home to see I had a package. It was from him stating "friend to friend" I want to wish you the best, I hope you keep in touch, and you know you will always hold a special place in my heart" also included was my keys, a bottle of wine, some scratch offs he even sprayed the note with his cologne. Meanwhile I don't know how to take it... he was expecting me to be home but I wasn't I didn't call him back but text him just to say a simple thank you.. I didn't read too much into his gesture, but I do realize he didn't have to do that, and because he did he thought of me, but do I have expectation he may come back NO I don't but I will continue to do the contact rule, and as much as I wanted to write him a letter or an email I didn't something's are better off left unsaid.

Just continue to maintain no contact a letter will make you feel better, but if he doesn't respond the way you want you will only be right back to day one in the healing process.. Sometimes we miss things when we don't have them and once we get it back it isn't the same, for example you ever had a craving for something, and once you got it it turned out to be only okay but what you had in mind you thought of it to be good.. Well it's like that with relationships.

I also find it is wise not to date anyone for a little while, because often times the men may come back, but if they see you moved on so quickly they interpret that as you never loving them... I know it sounds unfair to us, especially if we love and care for someone.. But some do come back and men take a little longer to realize how good they had it... but if it is meant to be then it will be...

Most importantly go with your heart, give him his time, and just enjoy life, and be thankful that he allowed you into his life, and you have learned from this relationship...

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

I know exactly how you feel was in a similar situation as you, and I am in the situation now, the twist to my scenario is that I did the NC as I told you to do, I didn't call him or reach out to him all week.. Meanwhile he had my house keys I didn't even ask for them back however I received an email from him stating he would mail my keys, Okay so I didn't respond to that email I left my house yesterday for a few hours only to come home to see I had a package. It was from him stating "friend to friend" I want to wish you the best, I hope you keep in touch, and you know you will always hold a special place in my heart" also included was my keys, a bottle of wine, some scratch offs he even sprayed the note with his cologne. Meanwhile I don't know how to take it... he was expecting me to be home but I wasn't I didn't call him back but text him just to say a simple thank you.. I didn't read to much into his gesture, but I do realize he didn't have to do that, and because he did he thought of me, but do I have expectation he may come back NO I don't but I will continue to do the contact rule, and as much as I wanted to write him a letter or an email I didn't somethings are better off left unsaid.

Just continue to maintain no contact a letter will make you feel better, but if he doesn't respond the way you want you will only be right back to day one in the healing process.. Sometimes we miss things when we don't have them and once we get it back it isn't the same, for example you ever had a craving for something, and once you got it it turned out to be only okay but what you had in mind you thought of it to be good.. Well it's like that with relationships.

I also find it is wise not to date anyone for a little while, because often times the men may come back, but if they see you moved on so quickly they interpret that as you never loving them... I know it sounds unfair to us, especially if we love and care for someone.. But some do come back and men take a little longer to realize how good they had it... but if it is meant to be then it will be...

Most importantly go with your heart, give him his time, and just enjoy life, and be thankful that he allowed you into his life, and you have learned from this relationship...

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Here was what he told me when he broke up with me. He can't give me much time in the relationship because of other things he has to focus on. It's not that he doesn't want to give me time, it's that he can't. He also says he still loves me.

And while, yes, I do believe that... because that is true for anyone. I mean, we all have other things to be doing in a sense... I don't believe it in a sense because he is totally afraid that I will hurt him because so many people in his past did. (He was abandoned by his family and controlled by his only girlfriend.) I honestly think he is flat out afraid like many men are.

Anyway, in my letter, I basically state my thoughts in a nice way. And I don't beg for him back. However, I do state that I hope he lets himself love me in the future. The letter is basically me getting stuff off my chest. It's just a page and a paragraph. And it's not mushy. And in the letter I don't tell him that I'm moving on... that is something I want him to see.

I'm not too worried about my emotional progress right now. I'm more worried if it will hinder my progress with him. Ultimately, I want this to come out in my favor. Though, I know that it might not. I'm still childishly hopeful for the soul reason is... I was damned near perfect to him and the problems he is facing are not with me. They are his own insecurities. I just don't understand how he would want to get over someone who was so good to him and someone who he loves.

I'm also wondering why he hasn't contacted me about my stuff yet. It's been five days. Some people think it's because he doesn't want to let go yet. Some people think it's because he doesn't want to see me and change his mind. And some people think it's because he doesn't want to deal with me. I really don't know what to think.

Okay if you want to give him the letter, then you can I don't see anything wrong with that expressing yourself, it may make you feel better. TO give him assurance.. As far as him needing to figure things out, My ex told me the same thing.. The same thing.. And also because of his parents... But that's besides the point.. as far as him not contacting you about his things... He is probably hurting because of his decision and men need healing too.. sometimes they don't know what to say. Sometimes they want to see if they can go without being with you.. sometimes it's that thought of "out of sight out of mind" because if they talk to or see you then it will be harder for them to figure out what they need. May reopen feelings and make a hasty decision and will hurt you again.. SO to be safe they just avoid you all together.. That's what I think. Give him the time that.. If it you really feel the need to reassure him with a letter then go ahead... But I am pretty sure he knows you are a GOOD woman. Hell my ex told me all the time I was the perfect woman, "it's not you it's me crap" but anyway... Give him space after you give him the letter and just let go for now...

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

Okay if you want to give him the letter, then you can I don't see anything wrong with that expressing yourself, it may make you feel better. TO give him assurance.. As far as him needing to figure things out,, My ex told me the same thing.. The same exact thing.. And also because of his parents... But that's besides the point.. as far as him not contacting you about his things... He is probably hurting because of his decision and men need healing too.. sometimes they don't know what to say. Sometimes they want to see if they can go without being with you.. sometimes it's that thought of "out of sight out of mind" because if they talk to or see you then it will be harder for them to figure out what they need. May reopen feelings and make a hasty decision and will hurt you again.. SO to be safe they just avoid you all together.. That's what I think. give him the time that.. If it you really feel the need to reassure him with a letter then go ahead... But I am pretty sure he knows you are a GOOD woman. Hell my ex told me all the time I was the perfect woman, "it's not you it's me crap" but anyway... Give him space after you give him the letter and just let go for now...

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I think I might have mentioned we work in the same building. Different departments so I don't always have to see him. Anyway, we used to take lunch together either that or he would hang out with his male coworker and get food across the street. Coming back from lunch today, I will admit, I was scared to run into him and see him all chipper.

But I pulled in the parking lot, and it startled me to see him sitting in his car by himself wearing the shirt I bought him. HAHAHAHAHA.

Right when I saw him, I don't think he saw me... but hopefully he saw me walking in the building in my hot new jeans. Hahahaha.

It felt like a small victory. So now I'm not so sure about this damned letter. Lol. I have a feeling I will be going back and forth with this for a while...

http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u...thsexmeup1.gif

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Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

Right when I saw him, I don't think he saw me....but hopefully he saw me walking in the building in my hot new jeans. Hahahaha.

It felt like a small victory. So now I'm not so sure about this damned letter. lol. I have a feeling I will be going back and forth with this for a while...

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Lol, about the Jeans.. Hey Once you start to feel good and confident about yourself, its starts to make you feel empowered, and Feel beautiful and you will begin to see that Hey it's not that bad after all.. This happened to me after I was divorced.. > Then once I had that me time It was all over I BECAME A NEW WOMAN I felt so damn good, I still do even though I am going through a breakup I have not contacted him at all! Haven't cried, I think about him, but hell I think about my ex husband but it doesn't mean anything..

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

http://i168.photobucket.com/albums/u...thsexmeup1.gif



lol, about the Jeans.. Hey Once you start to feel good and confident about yourself, its starts to make you feel empowered, and Feel beautiful and you will begin to see that Hey it's not that bad after all.. This happened to me after I was divorced..> Then once I had that me time It was all over I BECAME A NEW WOMAN I felt so damn good, I still do even though I am going through a breakup I have not contacted him at all! Haven't cried, I think about him, but hell I think about my ex husband but it doesn't mean anything..

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:) That's good that you haven't contacted him! Keep up the good work! It's been five days for me. How long has it been for you?

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Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

:) That's good that you haven't contacted him! Keep up the good work! It's been five days for me. How long has it been for you?

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8 days! And each day gets better, even though he did leave at my house a bottle of wine A damn lottery ticket by the way I didn't win, a sentimental note with his cologne sprayed.. I haven't called him that's what he wants... If he feel he made a mistake then he should be a man don't expect me to do the chasing Buddy and to be honest I feel like I am doing the right thing my intuition is telling me that for my own good I should let him be.. .

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

8 days! and each day gets better, even though he did leave at my house a bottle of wine A damn lottery ticket by the way I didn't win, a sentimental note with his cologne sprayed.. I haven't called him thats what he wants... If he feel he made a mistake then he should be a man don't expect me to do the chasing Buddy and to be honest I feel like I am doing the right thing my intuition is telling me that for my own good I should let him be.. ..

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Wow... what a gesture! I am proud of you for not caving in... if he wants to be a man he can stop by when you are home! :) May I ask how long you've been with this guy?

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Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

I saw this guy for about 5 months since yesterday. There is an age difference, I am 7 years older than him and he had no problem with it. The funny thing is, though I'm older, one would ASSUME that I was the one who is marriage-happy. Not true. See, marriage itself is not my end goal. Love is. In fact, he is Mr. Nice Guy and is all moral and stuff. Which I adore. At any rate, at one point he said he wanted space and then he said he was scared to commit because he's been hurt by many many influential people in his life. Oddly enough, we declared eachother as BF/GF and said "I Love You," so I thought that WAS a commitment. Anyway, I backed off, we slowed down on seeing each other. But I guess it wasn't enough. Because he dumped me yesterday. What kills me is.....he says he loves me. He just can't support a relationship right now. He did work 2 jobs at a whopping 70 hours a week. But he JUST quit the one, and he says he still doesn't feel up to snuff health/mental wise. He says yeah, he could tell me to wait...but he says he isn't that rude. I really don't know what to do...

I want to be with him. I read some posts and it says "Don't call for 2 months." Does this apply to me. And before I set out on that mission.....do I give back his stuff and let go? Or do I ask if we should TRY again in two months?

I don't know....it really sucks giving up on someone who you know loves you, but the timing is really messed up.

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This situation here is one I've helped my friends with in the past. It is important to tend to his needs, but also your needs need to be met. He's very insecure and could be intimidated by a strong willed person. See if he's having family or other personal problems that could be pushing him away from you. Since woman find it easier to express there feelings better than men tend to do.

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Originally Posted by jazzybaby

This situation here is one i've helped my friends with in the past. It is important to tend to his needs, but also your needs need to be met. He's very insecure and could be intimidated by a strong willed person. See if he's having family or other personal problems that could be pushing him away from you. Since woman find it easier to express there feelings better than men tend to do.

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To give you a bit about his background, he was pretty much abandoned by his family and controlled by his last girlfriend. He just moved in with his brother, one relative he is on good terms with. Since he's moved in with him, it's like he is being overly protective of everything in his life, including his independence. Like somehow the thinks he will lose himself. But I kept telling him I'm not like the others and I won't control him. Deep down he knows I won't. I tried my best to be super girlfriend. To show him what real love looked like. He got mad at me for some dumb excuse and he just found the momentum to break up. He said he should just focus on him because he feels like he's been neglecting himself. I doubt that one, but it wasn't because of me. Yeah, I think he's just insecure and afraid to be vulnerable. It's a shame too because I really love him. Maybe my resilience does scare him.

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Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

Wow....what a gesture!! I am proud of you for not caving in...if he wants to be a man he can stop by when you are home! :) May I ask how long you've been with this guy?

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Okay quickly I am going to sum up our relationship.. We were HS sweethearts.. went to miliatary broke up.. I got married to someone else he got married in the military.. We both divorced.. I have kids. He don't.. We reconnected over 10 years later, Thorough a personal site, Got back together was together a year, and he decided he wanted to have his OWN family meaning someone without the baggage, his parents influenced his decision and the fact that I come from A mixed background and he 100% italian his parents didn't approve.. That's my story in a nutshell didn't want to ramble.

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

Okay quickly I am going to sum up our relationship.. We were HS sweethearts.. went to miliatary broke up.. I got married to someone else he got married in the military.. We both divorced.. I have kids. He don't.. We reconnected over 10 years later, Thorough a personal site, Got back together was together a year, and he decided he wanted to have his OWN family meaning someone without the baggage, his parents influenced his decision and the fact that I come from A mixed background and he 100% italian his parents didn't approve.. Thats my story in a nutshell didn't want to ramble.

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I don't mind rambling :) Wow, that was really harsh of him. I thought military men were supposed to handle challenges... maybe he should stop listening to mommy and daddy.

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Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

I don't mind rambling :) Wow, that was really harsh of him. I thought military men were supposed to handle challenges...maybe he should stop listening to mommy and daddy.

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Perhaps that is the problem, but I don't mind he could spend the rest of his life with them too.. I love my children, my point is he knew that I had kids to start.. I just think he got scared.. We both had cheating spouses.. But that didn't stop me.. But he really let that get to him..

These are my angels http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o...well/demiG.jpg

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

Perhaps that is the problem, but I don't mind he could spend the rest of his life with them too.. I love my children, my point is he knew that I had kids to start.. I just think he got scared.. We both had cheating spouses.. But that didn't stop me.. But he really let that get to him..

These are my angels http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o...well/demiG.jpg

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For some reason that image isn't showing up for me :(

What is it with men... it's like they get scared and they just run!! I read this book once, I think it was called Why Men Won't Commit. Something like that. Anyway, it said the primary reason is fear. It's a damned shame... They create so much drama, why can't they let themselves be happy...

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Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

For some reason that image isn't showing up for me :(

What is it with men......it's like they get scared and they just run!!!! I read this book once, I think it was called Why Men Won't Commit. Something like that. Anyway, it said the primary reason is fear. It's a damned shame... They create so much drama, why can't they let themselves be happy...

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Sometimes they think there is always better, or if they commit they are missing out on something.. I also realize that if a man isn't stable A REAL man wouldn't commit, they see themselves as a provider and if they can't provide in a relationship they rather not be in one, They may feel less of a man.

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Originally Posted by jolienoire

I also realize that if a man isn't stable A REAL man wouldn't commit, they see themselves as a provider and if they can't provide in a relationship they rather not be in one,. They may feel less of a man.

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Wow... that one is a real eye-opener! I mean, he always did have the providing nature. He even bought a damned station wagon. Seriously, that could pertain to us. He wasn't really getting anywhere in his career or anything. Maybe he just felt less of a man. Something to think about. Wow...

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Originally Posted by mafiaangel180

Wow....that one is a real eye-opener! I mean, he always did have the providing nature. He even bought a damned station wagon. Seriously, that could pertain to us. He wasn't really getting anywhere in his career or anything. Maybe he just felt less of a man. Something to think about. Wow...

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So that could be a reason... If he has nothing to offer you besides sex how can he be happy about that? I mean think about it? Let him take his time to find himself to become more stable, then he will be able to focus on a relationship..