Ever since I moved to this new high school I’ve had enormous amounts of discomfort. Moving provinces I’ve lost any friend’s I’ve made close to home. I can honestly say I’ve never been great as making friends. I get extremely coiled when anyone speaks to me, I feel so wound up at school. I’ve had much abuse in my past and this high school stuff is very nerve-racking for me. Relationships can be difficult with my extreme shyness and mistrust.

I feel tremendously alone. I have my family, my mom and sister and stepfather, but as insolent as it may sound… it’s not the same. I love my family but some things I’m not completely comfortable with sharing, some things they aren’t in a position to really understand. Email and messaging with my best friend back home isn’t the same either, I’m finding things I really long to have back.

I am miserable, shaky, and nervous, I’m feeling incredibly depressed. I’ve tried to hold on, hoping things could get better but it seems hopeless. I cry at nothing at all when I’m alone. I am a ridged-rod at school, incapable of making an uncalled for peep; only speaking when someone asks something of me.

I’ve come to realize a lot of things about High School students, including their mentality that driving a car and drinking and smoking makes you more ‘grown-up’. I feel like the only way I can make friends is by going against my grain; being extremely gregarious, pompous and rude. I’ve always been soft-spoken and reserved, it’s just me. The depressive feelings are new and overwhelming, and I’ve been really quite lonesome and miserable and timid. I feel like a kicked puppy. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore, except sleeping. I don’t do things I used to love. I find myself dwelling, as foolish as I truly do know this is.

I feel panicked a lot of the time. And out of place completely.

I’ve moved many times before but this move has been really quite hard on me. Making friends has never been so exhausting for me. I’ve been shut out plenty here, people becoming my friends and being extremely immature in deciding that ‘I’m just not good enough for them’. I’ve moved about ten times since kindergarten and never have I had such difficultly ‘fitting in’. I’ve tried whole-heartedly to make an effort to make conversation to the point of my ultimate discomfort. I’m still being me, just feeling a bit sad and fraught.

This year I’m graduating… thank the skies. I realize infantile behavior is something you deal with lifelong, but High School is getting old real fast. The prospects of graduating alone are vociferous. I’m trying to accept it. I’m trying to remember my friends back home, my more mature friends that have already passed into adulthood. I’m just unsure. I feel like there is something incredibly wrong with me, as anomalous as it is, particularly to me. I’d love to find something for me to do, a club or something. But with a heavy course load and the nuisance of my own down-beat mood I don’t think I can pull myself to it.

I’m mopey as hell.

I’ve never felt so heartbroken. I’ve dealt with a lot, not even just lately… I’ve been ‘dealing’ since my elementary school days with things no kids have to worry about. I mean I’ve been forced to mature faster than the average kid. It’s always been a distinct quality that teachers and adults pick out. It’s something I’ve always been able to manage until now. I feel like a fuse has blown.

It’s odd though, with my feelings. I have highs and lows. Nobody seems to understand the havoc agony of high school. I feel stuck between the unreachable desire to cry and the other to ebb those tears, to show them all I can do better. Logic says to just go through high school, get my grades, and if I make friends along the way, so what? My feelings say otherwise.

The last time I spoke about the possibility of my ‘depression’ with a trusted mature person I was told not to worry about it. I was told going for help won’t be worth the hassle. But I am really struggling with myself here now and have been a while now.

I’ve been adding to a list of things I’ve noted in myself and they DO seem to share traits with Depression. I’ve been struggling with this for a while. Now that I am alone I kind of realized how prominent it is. When you have lifelong friends of your own they stand by you. I’ve been ‘different’ emotionally for years, but I’ve been able to keep it to myself until now.

- I am sad and irritable often more than not
- Not interested in anything extracurricular anything ‘fun’
- Not eating as much as I used to, losing weight
- Oversleeping and sleeping light (eg. Sleeping into three in the afternoon on weekends and still feeling exhausted)
- Agitated easily
- Feeling stupid
- Tired
- Feeling guilty and worthless
- Having extreme difficulty focusing
- Crying at nothing at all... I think
- Having thoughts about death (not suicide though)
- Getting sick easily
- Having headaches often
- Having physical pain consistently
- Feeling motivated to stay home, succumbing to doubtful thoughts
- Unmotivated
- Not doing as well as I usually do in school
- Unexplainably irritable at innocent victims
- A bit hostile sometimes inappropriately
- STRUGGLING WITH RELATIONSHIPS
- Rarely able to speak at school
- Vibe with emotion some days
- Spacing out
- My grades are sucking
- I feel like a failure
- I am extremely angry at people who hurt me in the past
- I find it near impossible to smile. When I do it’s for the sake of others, to prove that I am ‘fine’
- I’ve been like this for at least two years now… it’s become my 'norm'
- I like to be alone as much as possible, locking myself in room away from everyone else
- Fear that I am hurting my family
- I get dizzy and have headaches
- Tearful
- Have trouble finishing assignments
- Fidgeting a lot
- Feel like I complain too much
- Am nervous and anxious
- Scatter brained
- Harmful to self
- Not as organized as I used to be
- Am told I am too Negative
- Feel like a sissy, or a wimp… like I am being too sensitive and at other times insensitive
- Distrustful
- Rapidly changing strong emotions
- Break expectations
- Unhappy with everything
- Pull away
- Have stomach aches
- Don’t keep friends
- Have trouble waking up, usually I set the alarm an hour before I need to wake otherwise I might be late
- Feel too rude and unbearable to the ones I love
- Don’t like being touched or hugged
- Upset and fearful
- Don’t like talking
- Small tasks seem impossible
- Don’t like seeing people or going to social events
- Cry a lot
- Guilty for acting the way I do to others
- Forgetful, bad concentration, indecision, restlessness, agitation…
- Feel like life is passing me by

I mean I've tried looking at this from every angle. Have been denying myself a pretty long time. I've had heartache and I feel it nipping me now. I'm not talking my 'boyfriend dumped me... look at me' because I don't do pity parties. I don't like being coddled. I truly am just looking for advice about everything. I need to hear it from someone who doesn't know me, what you would do in a situation such as mine. What you may have done or experienced and how you fixed it. I just feel Ridiculous because this doesn't feel like 'me'. I am really aching inside and out, I just feel so exhausted. I can barely pull myself together to write this.

Well, for starters, you did a good job writing all that down.
I hope it made you feel a little better just to get some of it out.

I don't have any great advice for you, but I wanted to let you know that I read your story.
I was in your shoes once, and I know it seems impossible to conquer.

I know you said that you don't feel like doing anything, that's the depression taking over.
You'll need to make the decision to fight it off by actually getting out there in the world and forcing yourself to do things that are going to bring you happiness.
Sleeping too much only makes you more tired.
Being sad and angry only makes a person more miserible,etc,etc... it's true.

Perhaps seeing a doctor/counselor will help you also to get out of the rut you've fallen in...
Depression is not and easy battle to fight by yourself and you've done good in recognizing that you need and want to make a change.

Have you seen your schools counselor to discuss the friend issue?
They might be able to suggest a school group or activity that you could join.
It would be a nice start at attempting something fun and meeting people.

If you'd like to chit chat, you have a friend here...

[F]I know how it feels. But I don't know you, so that's all good. Has anyone told you what an incredible writer you are? Wow!

I had most of those symptoms for most of my life. It wasn't until I got out of high school and into college that I felt brave enough to find some help. Being told to "buck up" or "snap out of it" doesn't help one bit does it? My family really had no experience or understanding of how to help me. They wanted me to just be OK.

You mentioned situational factors like moving to a new school. Some schools seem to have more snooty people than others too. So the move has no doubt had an impact on your moods and motivation. Your age and hormones could be part of it too. Teens' body clocks change (forward 2 hours, I've read) which can make what you want to stay up later and then sleep in.

The behaviors you describe sound to me like depression. Not just situational depression either. Not wanting to be touched, irritability and having nothing to say are usually the same signs of my own depression starting up. If I don't do anything to help myself, it goes downhill from there. Have you seen a doctor? Even a visit to a family practitioner would be a good first step. After you talk to the doctor about what's going on, the first "drug" to try would probably be Saint John's Wort. It seems to really help both irritability and sleep. Light is vital! Go outside and take a walk every day if you can. Try to avoid simple-sugar foods (like dessert.)

My depression did not lift until a psychiatrist put me on Prozac. I walked into the lunchroom at work the next day and just sat there watching everyone. They were telling funny stories and jokes. They were laughing! I began to laugh too. For the first time in my life I understood what it means to enjoy life. And for the first time, I felt like I belonged, like part of the gang.

The saddest things about depression are one: you doubt yourself and two: no one who has not been depressed (clinically) can even have an inkling of what you are going through. So of course you feel lost, alone, confused etc. You have nothing to be ashamed of. But you may need to take action on your own behalf! I know that's the hard part. You are worth it.

Hi Mack19,

I too, moved during the last year of school (after going from one school to another for many years), and suffered many bouts with depression and isolation, never quite feeling I fit in with each new atmosphere. Some of it was 'normal', Most of it wasn't.

To be moved from place to place, trying to fit in with a new crowd, especially peers, is a 'normal' teenage rite of passage (Hate to say it, but many years later I can see that it is what it is) I know, little help there, sorry.

The statement you E-mail your 'friend back home' shows some history, you might have been depressed before this last move, something in your past needs addressed, the abuse you spoke of maybe?

'Some things they aren't in a position to really understand.' If this is something so deep and troubling, professional help is called for, close friends or relatives might not understand like an outside source. (More to this idea later)

One thing I will stress, DON'T LOSE HOPE, this is not life threatening, unless you make it worse by not accepting help and advice.

An activity, ANY ACTIVITY, is in order for you to get out of your own world, isolation is a sign of depression, trust me, it doesn't get better with time, unless you take action, and it is harder to take that action the longer you don't. (I found racquetball back when I was your age, it was solitary, for practice, and only required 1 more person to play against, I even got respect from the good players eventually, It also removed those' panicky feelings', using all that pent-up emotion)

The 'trusted mature person' that gave you advice as to getting help for your depression, probably doesn't believe in medical science and some peoples need to balance mood disorders with medications, IT DOESN'T MAKE A PERSON LESS THAN, TO SEEK AND TAKE MEDICATIONS. (Or simply to ask for therapeutic help)

Look for another opinion.

Your list is inspiring and eye-opening in one, from an outsiders point of view the depression has a pretty good grip on you, making yourself image extremely critical, I'd be willing to bet others don't share the view you have of yourself as much as your depressed mind would like you to think, DEPRESSION IS SELF DEFEATING.

Sleep, food, body pains, headaches, feelings of inadequacy, the lack of energy, hyper critical of yourself, all these things can be properly diagnosed with professional assistance, not a friend or parent, most people would just as soon NOT deal with someone going through depression, they don't know how to help and the easiest way for them is to downplay those who can, or tell you it will pass, YEAH, RIGHT!!

My ideas might be helpful, might seem lacking, you decide, and let us know how you are from time to time, we all have interest in people who write in here and would like to see you feeling better, Don't be a stranger, we will not judge you, most of us responders have been where you are and are 100% on your side.

Ken

Ok.
I think you need a vacation back with your own buddies.
Keep in touch with them and whenever you feel bad give one of them(your best one or closest) a call. I have to go I'll get back at you I promise.

Hi, I know how you feel I once lived in a town and had a bunch of good friends. I than moved away and am at a new school, for about a year I was sad and felt like I had no friends, I had two friends, one of them wasn´t a really good friend, he did bad things, I tried to ignore him as best I could. I would have bad dreams. I didn´t feel like going to school, to be honest, I had my fair share of days I skipt. I am often bullied by many people, I don't stand up for myself, because, they are scary and better off leaving them alone. I hope life gets better for you.

I'm back.

I really think you need a vacation with your friends. Have a good time and when your vacation is over keep in touch with your buddies and every here and there go do something with them.

But you should try to get some professional help. Some people just can t help to feel the ways they do like me. I have to take meds to keep me under control. Not because of my surroundings but because that's how my head works. So maybe you should start taking something persciped by a professional doctor.

I hope everything works out for you. Good luck.

Hi Mack,
Sounds as if you're going through a pretty rough time. It can't be easy for you, but it's good to see you're opening up about it. That's often the hardest part.
From the way you write, it's obvious that you're extremely articulate, mature and intelligent. Unfortunately in a lot of schools, these aren't merits that will be highly valued by your peers, but this doesn't stop them from being valuable. Remember to be true to yourself, don't try to change in order to fit in, you're worth so much more as you are.
It might be a good idea to talk to someone. Find someone you can trust, perhaps one of the friends you left behind before you moved. If you'd rather talk to someone impartial, a counsellor could be a good option. It's hard talking these things through, but much better than bottling them up. Whether your circumstances are causing your emotional turbulance or the emotions are creating the difficulties in circumstace, it's a good idea to talk to someone.
Look after yourself and keep us updated.
Kal

If you want a friend I am there for you. Message me if you want to talk

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mack19

Ever since I moved to this new high school I've had enormous amounts of discomfort. Moving provinces I've lost any friend's I've made close to home. I can honestly say I've never been great as making friends. I get extremely coiled when anyone speaks to me, I feel so wound up at school. I've had much abuse in my past and this high school stuff is very nerve-racking for me. Relationships can be difficult with my extreme shyness and mistrust.

I feel tremendously alone. I have my family, my mom and sister and stepfather, but as insolent as it may sound… it's not the same. I love my family but some things I'm not completely comfortable with sharing, some things they aren't in a position to really understand. Email and messaging with my best friend back home isn't the same either, I'm finding things I really long to have back.

I am miserable, shaky, and nervous, I'm feeling incredibly depressed. I've tried to hold on, hoping things could get better but it seems hopeless. I cry at nothing at all when I'm alone. I am a ridged-rod at school, incapable of making an uncalled for peep; only speaking when someone asks something of me.

I've come to realize a lot of things about High School students, including their mentality that driving a car and drinking and smoking makes you more 'grown-up'. I feel like the only way I can make friends is by going against my grain; being extremely gregarious, pompous and rude. I've always been soft-spoken and reserved, it's just me. The depressive feelings are new and overwhelming, and I've been really quite lonesome and miserable and timid. I feel like a kicked puppy. I don't feel like doing anything anymore, except sleeping. I don't do things I used to love. I find myself dwelling, as foolish as I truly do know this is.

I feel panicked a lot of the time. And out of place completely.

I've moved many times before but this move has been really quite hard on me. Making friends has never been so exhausting for me. I've been shut out plenty here, people becoming my friends and being extremely immature in deciding that 'I'm just not good enough for them'. I've moved about ten times since kindergarten and never have I had such difficultly 'fitting in'. I've tried whole-heartedly to make an effort to make conversation to the point of my ultimate discomfort. I'm still being me, just feeling a bit sad and fraught.

This year I'm graduating… thank the skies. I realize infantile behavior is something you deal with lifelong, but High School is getting old real fast. The prospects of graduating alone are vociferous. I'm trying to accept it. I'm trying to remember my friends back home, my more mature friends that have already passed into adulthood. I'm just unsure. I feel like there is something incredibly wrong with me, as anomalous as it is, particularly to me. I'd love to find something for me to do, a club or something. But with a heavy course load and the nuisance of my own down-beat mood I don't think I can pull myself to it.

I'm mopey as hell.

I've never felt so heartbroken. I've dealt with a lot, not even just lately… I've been 'dealing' since my elementary school days with things no kids have to worry about. I mean I've been forced to mature faster than the average kid. It's always been a distinct quality that teachers and adults pick out. It's something I've always been able to manage until now. I feel like a fuse has blown.

It's odd though, with my feelings. I have highs and lows. Nobody seems to understand the havoc agony of high school. I feel stuck between the unreachable desire to cry and the other to ebb those tears, to show them all I can do better. Logic says to just go through high school, get my grades, and if I make friends along the way, so what? My feelings say otherwise.

The last time I spoke about the possibility of my 'depression' with a trusted mature person I was told not to worry about it. I was told going for help won't be worth the hassle. But I am really struggling with myself here now and have been a while now.

I've been adding to a list of things I've noted in myself and they DO seem to share traits with Depression. I've been struggling with this for a while. Now that I am alone I kinda realized how prominent it is. When you have lifelong friends of your own they stand by you. I've been 'different' emotionally for years, but I've been able to keep it to myself until now.

- I am sad and irritable often more than not
- Not interested in anything extracurricular anything 'fun'
- Not eating as much as I used to, losing weight
- Oversleeping and sleeping light (eg. Sleeping into three in the afternoon on weekends and still feeling exhausted)
- Agitated easily
- Feeling stupid
- Tired
- Feeling guilty and worthless
- Having extreme difficulty focusing
- Crying at nothing at all... I think
- Having thoughts about death (not suicide though)
- Getting sick easily
- Having headaches often
- Having physical pain consistently
- Feeling motivated to stay home, succumbing to doubtful thoughts
- Unmotivated
- Not doing as well as I usually do in school
- Unexplainably irritable at innocent victims
- A bit hostile sometimes inappropriately
- STRUGGLING WITH RELATIONSHIPS
- Rarely able to speak at school
- Vibe with emotion some days
- Spacing out
- My grades are sucking
- I feel like a failure
- I am extremely angry at people who hurt me in the past
- I find it near impossible to smile. When I do it's for the sake of others, to prove that I am 'fine'
- I've been like this for at least two years now… it's become my 'norm'
- I like to be alone as much as possible, locking myself in room away from everyone else
- Fear that I am hurting my family
- I get dizzy and have headaches
- Tearful
- Have trouble finishing assignments
- Fidgeting a lot
- Feel like I complain too much
- Am nervous and anxious
- Scatter brained
- Harmful to self
- Not as organized as I used to be
- Am told I am too Negative
- Feel like a sissy, or a wimp… like I am being too sensitive and at other times insensitive
- Distrustful
- Rapidly changing strong emotions
- Break expectations
- Unhappy with everything
- Pull away
- Have stomach aches
- Don't keep friends
- Have trouble waking up, usually I set the alarm an hour before I need to wake otherwise I might be late
- Feel too rude and unbearable to the ones I love
- Don't like being touched or hugged
- Upset and fearful
- Don't like talking
- Small tasks seem impossible
- Don't like seeing people or going to social events
- Cry a lot
- Guilty for acting the way I do to others
- Forgetful, bad concentration, indecision, restlessness, agitation…
- Feel like life is passing me by

I mean I've tried looking at this from every angle. Have been denying myself a pretty long time. I've had heartache and I feel it nipping me now. I'm not talking my 'boyfriend dumped me... look at me' because I don't do pity parties. I don't like being coddled. I truly am just looking for advice about everything. I need to hear it from someone who doesn't know me, what you would do in a situation such as mine. What you may have done or experienced and how you fixed it. I just feel Ridiculous because this doesn't feel like 'me'. I am really aching inside and out, I just feel so exhausted. I can barely pull myself together to write this.

---

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. I neglected to return to this post and for that I am profusely sorry. I am getting better. Haven't sought out professional help like some of you advised, it could be my pride. Though admittedly I think it is the fear of the look on my family's face if I did.

I am feeling a bit better though I do assure you all. I get out more, as much as I can, even when I really just don't feel up to it. I try my hardest not to revert back into my shell. I've made a couple friends, though I'm truly disappointed that they seem to be more 'admiring' my exterior. It can be hard when boys are chasing you down rather than trying 'to truly be your friend'. Though I do have a couple people that speak to me on a daily basis, invite me to do things, hang out with me now and again. It's helped.

I still struggle with my self-esteem, still worry that I'm worthless. It's illogical, but it's there. There are some friends in my life that help, they aren't nearly as harsh as I expect. It is my past that is a big influence on me today. Being verbally abused for years does do that to a person I've realized. I just find myself saying the same things to myself that my father and his girlfriend often said to me. My sister still visits them, when the come into town I find myself having a field month of recovery. I just fear their presence.

I'm going to visit my friends at home in two weeks now. I'm hoping strongly that it will help me feel better, give me enough juice to finish off the year. With a new semester I'm gradually meeting new people. Still feeling a bit like a dupe for finding myself 'studying' in the library at lunch and feeling odd when acquaintances introduce me to their posse.

The councilor provided little help for me, and once again I find myself doubting their help. I've had childhood ordeals with 'bad' councilors. Liars that only made situations worse; they'd coax everything out of me promising to not tell a soul and turn around behind my back telling immature adults in my life that punished me for it. The occurrence at this school wasn't very much different than that family councilor had been. Let's just say she's lost my trust and humiliated me in the process.

I haven't made any enemies here though, I'm very passive and rarely do I make foes. Mostly I'm just 'quiet girl' over there. It's extremely frustrating… I just sometimes feel like I don't know 'how' to communicate. Is there a way of going about that? Is there a way to just talk to people? I feel like being 'mute' as I have been for a few years really now, it's left me literally 'at a loss for words'. I can talk to people I'm close to, they would possibly say I talk too much. I just freeze up when I talk to anyone I don't know. Feel like I'm halting the conversation by not having things to say. I hear there really is never a 'right thing to say'. That there is rarely a wrong too… is that right? Seems like a stupid question… how do you guys start a conversation without getting too personal… or possibly worrying about being judged… I think I just care too much.

I'm babbling now. Sometimes I just think about things too hard. I get caught up in what other people might think… It's become a habit to say the least.

Again though… thank you all very much for your input. It's all helped, gave me a 'external' perspective. I truly do appreciate it. I believe I've progressed slightly, which is better than nothing or letting myself be sucked into the pitiful slightly selfish depression. I despise feeling misreable, and I try to get past it. It's very difficult. I have made it halfway until I'm done with the school though. It's a relief.

Mack,

High school is a tough place... I won't pretend that I understand exactly how you feel, but I just wanted to say that if you plan on going to college, things will change. Everyone is in a similar position with no friends in a new environment. I have a feeling you are pushing everyone away with your body language. Try to join some after school activities or strike up some conversations with classmates. From experience I know that there are plenty of people who feel awkward in HS and are just looking for acceptance. Make the best of it and look forward to the freedom of the college experience!

Mack, you are so well spoken and intellegent, I can tell that college is going to be where you shine! I am of course assuing you are college bound. I didn't have that great of a high school experience myself. I moved when I was in my senior year to another state and had to graduate with people I didn't know. I was miserable and depressed. I didn't have a car or a job and all I did was hang out with my family! College really brought me out of my shell. And like I said, when you get there, everyone is in the same boat (they come from all over and know nobody). People don't know the high school you as well. You can become a better version of yourself (a less shy/happier/more friendly you) and there will be nobody there who will judge what you don't like about yourself.

There's an idea... if you don't work, find a part time job. If you work somewhere with people your own age it's a great way to make friends!

OMG I know exactly how you feel, I'm kind of in your shoes! I'm arabic used to live in the states I don't speak arabic so I moved back to middle east went to college don't know anyone and don't speak the language. Its either people scared of me cause I just speak English or I don't know maybe I am scary even though I'm tiny, they just do to get my notes in the English classes " Morans" . I got everything you wrote in your list plus I did cut myself but thankfuly stopped. I used to make hand made jewelry and sell them I was pretty good now I get pissed while making them. I just wanted to let you know that lots of people do feel that way too and I'm one of them. When I'm don't from college I'm moving back to the states where I belong I don't know anyone here, people making fun of my language, and I KNOW they are saying stuff cause I got the American flag on my backpack. On top of all that I'm an external student, staying at home most of the time, couldn't get a job cause I can't speak their language, so I'm 247 at the house either watch YouTube or sleeping.

Well, it sounds like you're putting yourself in the wrong frame of mind, believe me, it is a lot harder said than done. I've gone through this, a couple of times myself. The first thing you have to do is tell yourself that instead of, "my doors have closed", think of it as "a new door is opening." There is opportunity wherever you go. First, before friends, before anything you need to find something to do that will stimulate your brain, and make you feel numb fir a while. I picked up a guitar, and after a year of playing it, I'm only just starting to catch on to it.

Find something like this and hold onto it. Embrace every day with a "things could be worse" attitude, and begin on a new path to become whoever you want to be around these people. Because, once you find yourself in the midst of all the high school drama bull, then things start to get easier. There will always be hard times, and the most important thing to do is to talk to someone, and tokeep your chin held high.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Mack19

Ever since I moved to this new high school I’ve had enormous amounts of discomfort. Moving provinces I’ve lost any friend’s I’ve made close to home. I can honestly say I’ve never been great as making friends. I get extremely coiled when anyone speaks to me, I feel so wound up at school. I’ve had much abuse in my past and this high school stuff is very nerve-racking for me. Relationships can be difficult with my extreme shyness and mistrust.

I feel tremendously alone. I have my family, my mom and sister and stepfather, but as insolent as it may sound… it’s not the same. I love my family but some things I’m not completely comfortable with sharing, some things they aren’t in a position to really understand. Email and messaging with my best friend back home isn’t the same either, I’m finding things I really long to have back.

I am miserable, shaky, and nervous, I’m feeling incredibly depressed. I’ve tried to hold on, hoping things could get better but it seems hopeless. I cry at nothing at all when I’m alone. I am a ridged-rod at school, incapable of making an uncalled for peep; only speaking when someone asks something of me.

I’ve come to realize a lot of things about High School students, including their mentality that driving a car and drinking and smoking makes you more ‘grown-up’. I feel like the only way I can make friends is by going against my grain; being extremely gregarious, pompous and rude. I’ve always been soft-spoken and reserved, it’s just me. The depressive feelings are new and overwhelming, and I’ve been really quite lonesome and miserable and timid. I feel like a kicked puppy. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore, except sleeping. I don’t do things I used to love. I find myself dwelling, as foolish as I truly do know this is.

I feel panicked a lot of the time. And out of place completely.

I’ve moved many times before but this move has been really quite hard on me. Making friends has never been so exhausting for me. I’ve been shut out plenty here, people becoming my friends and being extremely immature in deciding that ‘I’m just not good enough for them’. I’ve moved about ten times since kindergarten and never have I had such difficultly ‘fitting in’. I’ve tried whole-heartedly to make an effort to make conversation to the point of my ultimate discomfort. I’m still being me, just feeling a bit sad and fraught.

This year I’m graduating… thank the skies. I realize infantile behavior is something you deal with lifelong, but High School is getting old real fast. The prospects of graduating alone are vociferous. I’m trying to accept it. I’m trying to remember my friends back home, my more mature friends that have already passed into adulthood. I’m just unsure. I feel like there is something incredibly wrong with me, as anomalous as it is, particularly to me. I’d love to find something for me to do, a club or something. But with a heavy course load and the nuisance of my own down-beat mood I don’t think I can pull myself to it.

I’m mopey as hell.

I’ve never felt so heartbroken. I’ve dealt with a lot, not even just lately… I’ve been ‘dealing’ since my elementary school days with things no kids have to worry about. I mean I’ve been forced to mature faster than the average kid. It’s always been a distinct quality that teachers and adults pick out. It’s something I’ve always been able to manage until now. I feel like a fuse has blown.

It’s odd though, with my feelings. I have highs and lows. Nobody seems to understand the havoc agony of high school. I feel stuck between the unreachable desire to cry and the other to ebb those tears, to show them all I can do better. Logic says to just go through high school, get my grades, and if I make friends along the way, so what? My feelings say otherwise.

The last time I spoke about the possibility of my ‘depression’ with a trusted mature person I was told not to worry about it. I was told going for help won’t be worth the hassle. But I am really struggling with myself here now and have been a while now.

I’ve been adding to a list of things I’ve noted in myself and they DO seem to share traits with Depression. I’ve been struggling with this for a while. Now that I am alone I kinda realized how prominent it is. When you have lifelong friends of your own they stand by you. I’ve been ‘different’ emotionally for years, but I’ve been able to keep it to myself until now.

- I am sad and irritable often more than not
- Not interested in anything extracurricular anything ‘fun’
- Not eating as much as I used to, losing weight
- Oversleeping and sleeping light (eg. Sleeping into three in the afternoon on weekends and still feeling exhausted)
- Agitated easily
- Feeling stupid
- Tired
- Feeling guilty and worthless
- Having extreme difficulty focusing
- Crying at nothing at all... I think
- Having thoughts about death (not suicide though)
- Getting sick easily
- Having headaches often
- Having physical pain consistently
- Feeling motivated to stay home, succumbing to doubtful thoughts
- Unmotivated
- Not doing as well as I usually do in school
- Unexplainably irritable at innocent victims
- A bit hostile sometimes inappropriately
- STRUGGLING WITH RELATIONSHIPS
- Rarely able to speak at school
- Vibe with emotion some days
- Spacing out
- My grades are sucking
- I feel like a failure
- I am extremely angry at people who hurt me in the past
- I find it near impossible to smile. When I do it’s for the sake of others, to prove that I am ‘fine’
- I’ve been like this for at least two years now… it’s become my 'norm'
- I like to be alone as much as possible, locking myself in room away from everyone else
- Fear that I am hurting my family
- I get dizzy and have headaches
- Tearful
- Have trouble finishing assignments
- Fidgeting a lot
- Feel like I complain too much
- Am nervous and anxious
- Scatter brained
- Harmful to self
- Not as organized as I used to be
- Am told I am too Negative
- Feel like a sissy, or a wimp… like I am being too sensitive and at other times insensitive
- Distrustful
- Rapidly changing strong emotions
- Break expectations
- Unhappy with everything
- Pull away
- Have stomach aches
- Don’t keep friends
- Have trouble waking up, usually I set the alarm an hour before I need to wake otherwise I might be late
- Feel too rude and unbearable to the ones I love
- Don’t like being touched or hugged
- Upset and fearful
- Don’t like talking
- Small tasks seem impossible
- Don’t like seeing people or going to social events
- Cry a lot
- Guilty for acting the way I do to others
- Forgetful, bad concentration, indecision, restlessness, agitation…
- Feel like life is passing me by

I mean I've tried looking at this from every angle. Have been denying myself a pretty long time. I've had heartache and I feel it nipping me now. I'm not talking my 'boyfriend dumped me... look at me' because I don't do pity parties. I don't like being coddled. I truly am just looking for advice about everything. I need to hear it from someone who doesn't know me, what you would do in a situation such as mine. What you may have done or experienced and how you fixed it. I just feel Ridiculous because this doesn't feel like 'me'. I am really aching inside and out, I just feel so exhausted. I can barely pull myself together to write this.

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Are you saying you have become depressed after moving and find yourself without a friend? Do not lose touch with your trusted friends and the minute you are able, move back and keep those friendships for your lifetime. Take comfort with the knowledge that you have a clear ending to your loneliness in sight and a new beginning. With this light at the end of your tunnel to look forward to, you should feel hopeful, and with that hope go out and get a part time job, where the mentality is mature. I bet you find a friend and save your money for the move home. I don't care if it is leaving your family, that will happen regardless, do not make the same mistakes I did, and suffer depression alone, without a friend. I'm 53 and if I did what I advise you, my life would be very different. It all began with the moves during high school. No lifelong friends, no friends now at all

High school is awful I know I had a hard time in high school. Just try to put it into perspective. Maybe pray a bit and find the confidance in you to b e yourself and say and that way you will be proud of yourself. I know that high school seems like everything right now but trust me it goes by extremely fast. It is very important to talk to someone about your problems like your family or even a therapist. I know that things will look up for you.

Be your friend first, love yourself
Bulid up your confident and then go out and meet people!