Over twenty years ago, I fell deeply in love with a woman who was separated from her husband. We saw each other for about six passionate, blissful months, but she eventually went back to her husband without really giving me a definitive heave ho. She just stopped talking to me and ignored my attempts to talk to her. I went through the usual breakup grief for about a year or so, then was able to move on. However, I've thought about her briefly from time to time over the years wondering whatever became of her. I've been married now for over ten years with a wonderful wife and kids. But the memory of the earlier woman has now resurfaced for whatever reason like a bang, and it's like she just broke up with me all over again. I can't stop thinking about her, and I found out where she is and what she's doing by some Web searching. I love my wife but not being able to stop the painful memories is getting to me. I'm at the mid-life crisis age range so I don't know if this is part of something bigger, but I'd really like to get past it and be happy again with what my life eventually turned into. Can someone tell me how normal this is and offer any thoughts for getting back to what to me was great until these strong memories resurfaced? I've been through a bunch of "Getting Over a Lost Love" type Web sites and have tried their recommendations, but I need more help. Thanks.

Memories are always more rosie than reality. Think about how you could have stayed with her and ended up finding out she wasn't all that and ended up not together. You might have found out in time that she had some qualities about her that you wouldn't have been happy with. Take off the rose colored glasses and realize you are blessed with what you got. The woman you are *remembering* is probably 20% what you knew of her and 80% your mind filling in the blanks.
You have a good wife and kids. Think about how your kids might not even BE if you two had stayed together.

There is something rather romantic about thinking about a former lost love, especially since you never really stopped loving part of her or the idea of her. Even though you moved on. But think of this - she had an affair with you when she was married. Separation is still being married. How would you feel if your wife had a fling for six months while still married to you?

If this woman wanted to get back to you, she would have. She would called, sent a card, come over, etc. But she did not do any of that. She let go and moved on. With some precedent already established with you, she may have carried on another affair. Women can be just as bad as men when it comes to cheating - the once a cheater, highly likely to repeat behavior.

Don't paint too many roses on this woman's portrait. She was in your life for a season and out of your life for a reason. Look at all you have accomplished in family, home, career, etc. then ask yourself if that would be nearly possible if you had stayed in that illicit relationship.

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Originally Posted by royho

But the memory of the earlier woman has now resurfaced for whatever reason like a bang,

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For "whatever reason"? Honestly, now. You haven't got a clue about why this is happening? Everything peachy-keen in your marriage? No ten year blahs to go with your midlife crisis?

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Originally Posted by royho

I can't stop thinking about her, and I found out where she is and what she's doing by some Web searching. I love my wife but not being able to stop the painful memories is getting to me.

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Somehow, I don't think it's the painful memories you're dwelling on. You could stop thinking about her if you were interested enough in your wife to be preoccupied with thinking about her.

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"Over twenty years ago, I fell deeply in love with a woman who was separated from her husband. We saw each other for about six passionate, blissful months, but she eventually went back to her husband without really giving me a definitive heave ho. She just stopped talking to me and ignored my attempts to talk to her. I went through the usual breakup grief for about a year or so, then was able to move on. However, I've thought about her briefly from time to time over the years wondering whatever became of her. I've been married now for over ten years with a wonderful wife and kids. But the memory of the earlier woman has now resurfaced for whatever reason like a bang, and it's like she just broke up with me all over again. I can't stop thinking about her, and I found out where she is and what she's doing by some Web searching. I love my wife but not being able to stop the painful memories is getting to me. I'm at the mid-life crisis age range so I don't know if this is part of something bigger, but I'd really like to get past it and be happy again with what my life eventually turned into. Can someone tell me how normal this is and offer any thoughts for getting back to what to me was great until these strong memories resurfaced? I've been through a bunch of "Getting Over a Lost Love" type Web sites and have tried their recommendations, but I need more help. Thanks."

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I am in the same boat as you. I fell in love with a man 10 years ago and, even though I have since married a wonderful man who treats me like a queen, I am still unable to get the other man out of my head. It's almost like a drug! I have honestly tried to move on but all I need to do is hear a song playing on the radio or see someone who looks like him and all the old feelings come rushing back. I even dream about this former lover for no apparent reason. It's like he is ingrained in my soul.
Like you, I have researched and have found few stories like this. Perhaps there are many of us out there who have experienced and lost true unconditional love but are not willing to speak about it. This love I shared with this man was truly unconditional.
In my opinion, I believe that it is a case of finding our one and only true soul mate. I feel that I was lucky to have experienced such an extraordinary love for one person. I know that, no matter who I am with in the years to come, I will always love this man for the rest of my life!
After 10 years, I have stopped fighting my natural inclination to love this man and secretly love him from a far. I cherish the times we shared and know I will never have a love so complete as his.
I once told him I would love him forever and a day. At that time I had no idea how much that would ring true.

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I am in the same boat as you. I fell in love with a man 10 years ago and, even though I have since married a wonderful man who treats me like a queen, I am still unable to get the other man out of my head. It's almost like a drug! I have honestly tried to move on but all I need to do is hear a song playing on the radio or see someone who looks like him and all the old feelings come rushing back. I even dream about this former lover for no apparent reason. It's like he is ingrained in my soul.
Like you, I have researched and have found few stories like this. Perhaps there are many of us out there who have experienced and lost true unconditional love but are not willing to speak about it. This love I shared with this man was truly unconditional.
In my opinion, I believe that it is a case of finding our one and only true soul mate. I feel that I was lucky to have experienced such an extraordinary love for one person. I know that, no matter who I am with in the years to come, I will always love this man for the rest of my life!
After 10 years, I have stopped fighting my natural inclination to love this man and secretly love him from a far. I cherish the times we shared and know I will never have a love so complete as his.
I once told him I would love him forever and a day. At that time I had no idea how much that would ring true

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I am [kind-sorta] in the same boat as you. Starting 30 years ago next month (June) I began dating someone who I fell madly in love with, we were both very young. We broke up for the first time (one of many times) on Valentines Day 1980. For the next 2 years we got together and eventually broke up so many times that I can't remember how many times it was. Usually it was because I was too possessive and she wanted to "fly"... and always let her go... because she always same back. Eventually I joined the service and went away. But whenever I came home she would be there. I never expected her to be there and we never put any pressure on each other to try to make anything more of it because we had been through it so many times. This went on for another 3 years, making it an on-again-off-again (but VERY passionate) 5 1/2 year relationship. For me (I thought) it ended for good 24 years ago when we saw each other at a party (I was home again on leave from the service). The man she was with became very jealous (not sure if she egged him on or not) and attacked me. I, having martial-arts training, had no trouble with him, and I'm sorry to say I believe I hurt him badly. She screamed at me that she hated me and never wanted to see me again. Nearly a year later I met my eventual wife and never saw my old flame until 9 years later; when my wife and I had 4 children. We were visiting family in the old home town and she came over with my sister to see the new baby twins. She was very cordial & polite and we talked nicely, but that was it, nothing else... until that evening she called at 2:00 AM and wanted to see me. I of course declined and believed I had moved on. I had no contact with her whatsoever for the next 15 years... until 3 months ago... on Facebook. She started pouring out so many bad experiences that she had over the years and wanted to see me; her stories had mde me sympathetic. We planned a secret meeting, and when it came time to meet, she called it off. She sent emails apologizing and saying we will talk soon, but it hasn't happened. I thought I was over this woman but she found a way to get to me. How do I resolve this? Is she playing me? Is she confused? Is she still in love with me? Is she just evil? My marriage has long lost its passion... am I superimposing the passion I once had with this woman many years ago onto my present life and hoping to spark something?

If she felt the same way about you as you do her, she wouldn't have declined the chance to meet you again. If "he" called me tomorrow, I would be there in a split second without even thinking twice. Perhaps that is our downfall. We love them more than they love us!

You know that pining for a lost love that was over 20 years ago is your way of filling a void that exists in your current life.

Yes, you are probably experiencing a mid-life crisis because things are not as good as they could be in your present situation and your mind is turing to 'what could have been'.

Try looking at the facts:

You were with the lost love for only six months
She was separated from her husband and you were probably a rebound relationship.
She returned to her husband.
She made it very clear she wished to have no contact with you.

Is this what you're pining over?

You now, by your admission, have a wonderful wife and children. This is what you need to focus on. Focus on your wife, create happiness and romance with her, take a holiday together and make her and yourself feel special. Think about all the things that you love about her and focus on these. The lost love has given you none of this - she just took from you and then discarded you.

The grass ifs often greener on the other side of the fence when we're feeling as if we haven't done exactly what we wished with out lives. Welcome to being human - there are always regrets - life can't be lived well and fully without them.

Take positive steps to create a happy life and to be proud and thankful for what you have. By longing for the past you're denying yourself the chance to live happily in the present.

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Originally Posted by bubbys123

If she felt the same way about you as you do her, she wouldn't have declined the chance to meet you again. If "he" called me tomorrow, I would be there in a split second without even thinking twice. Perhaps that is our downfall. We love them more than they love us!

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The me of yesteryear loves her, the me of today feels sorry for her. After we made contact 3 months ago she told me of a sex dream that she had, featuring me & her. I told her that there would be no intimacy between us, but I would like to talk and catch up. She countered with the proposed meeting, which she called off at the last minute. After she apologized and begged me to not be mad, I told her that I was not mad, I understood what she must be feeling. She countered with promised phone calls soon, which have not happened. Do you see the trend? This woman is still hurt from the past and she is searching for ways to lash-out at me. She wanted to "fly" all of those years ago and I let her go... and (I haven't told you all of the story) she crashed & burned. Now that she knows how to get ahold of me, she's trying to hurt me any way she can. First the sympathy ploy, then the hint of sex ploy, then a face-to-face meeting ploy, then the phone calls. She's going down the ladder trying to find something with which to hurt me. I guess I don't understand why people have to have either love or hate, with no in between. Why can't old lovers be friends? Yeah, it's part of my mid-life crisis and probably hers too. It's sad to say goodbye to someone... forever... for life. Life is strange, isn't it?

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Originally Posted by SecretAgentMan

The me of yesteryear loves her, the me of today feels sorry for her. After we made contact 3 months ago she told me of a sex dream that she had, featuring me & her. I told her that there would be no intimacy between us, but I would like to talk and catch up. She countered with the proposed meeting, which she called off at the last minute. After she apologized and begged me to not be mad, I told her that I was not mad, I understood what she must be feeling. She countered with promised phone calls soon, which have not happened. Do you see the trend? This woman is still hurt from the past and she is searching for ways to lash-out at me. She wanted to "fly" all of those years ago and I let her go...and (I haven't told you all of the story) she crashed & burned. Now that she knows how to get ahold of me, she's trying to hurt me any way she can. First the sympathy ploy, then the hint of sex ploy, then a face-to-face meeting ploy, then the phone calls. She's going down the ladder trying to find something with which to hurt me. I guess I don't understand why people have to have either love or hate, with no in between. Why can't old lovers be friends? Yeah, it's part of my mid-life crisis and probably hers too. It's sad to say goodbye to someone......forever....for life. Life is strange, isn't it?

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You stated that you feel sorry for her. Why?
Did you think of this woman before she contacted you? Have you ever thought of cheating on your wife with anyone else or has she been the only one who has tempted you?
From what you have said about this other woman, it seems like she is just leading you on to fulfill some fantasy she has. Perhaps she was just wanting sex from you with no further attachments. Are you hoping she wants more?
You said you once had strong feelings for her but now you just feel sorry for her, perhaps it is just your mid-life crisis getting the best of you.

I still have strong feelings for my ex-love, so much so that I would not hesitate to be on the next plane to where he lives if he would make that call. I would never manipulate him or make empty promises, I love him too much to ever hurt him like that. I am not un-happy in my marriage. I am as happy as I can be in this relationship but I am missing something that my ex-love was able to fulfill 110%. It wasn't sexual either, it was on such a higher level than that. It reminds me of the song "Follow Me" by Uncle Kracker
"You don't know how you met me
You don't know why
You can't turn around and say goodbye
All you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea"

This man got into my soul and I cannot get him out, no matter how much I try (and I have tried). The more love I gave him the more he gave me and round and round it went. It was, without a doubt, the best time of my life.

But as I stated earlier, I am happy to adore him over time and from afar. I will leave this earth knowing that I have experienced the most wonderful love I could ever hope to experience.

I'm confused, who's answering who on this thread anyway?

I, too, still pine for a lost love from 30 years ago. Because of some terrible coincidences that happened to me -- losing a job, getting very sick, my car was stolen -- I became very depressed and decided that I'd have to leave that city and move back to the one I came from if I wanted to at least find work. She was a beautiful woman with a high EQ and she talked about marriage, but I was too young and stupid to appreciate her. So, I moved back, wrote her a letter and said I didn't love her. We had two phone conversations after that. Since then, I married and had several children, but I can't say I've had a great marriage. Then, last year, I guess I had a serious middle-age crisis and became curious about my old flame. I tracked her down on the Internet. Not surprisingly, she's married now, with three boys, the oldest of whom is 19. I called her late one evening. The conversation was cordial, but far from warm. When I got off the phone, I felt terribly sad, lonely, foolish and jealous. It gave me such a lift, albeit temporarily, to hear her voice. The years melted away. It was then that I realized how much I had lost when I left her. I was reminded of a great quote by Mark Twain: "After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the garden with her than inside it without her. At first I thought she talked too much, but now I should be sorry to have that voice fall silent and pass out of my life."

I wish I had a better answer, but life isn't like a Twilight Zone episode or a movie like "It's A Wonderful Life." We just don't get a chance to go back in time and talk to ourselves about what we should have done. All I can do is try to make the present better. The pain, however, will always linger.

You posted your question a long time ago. What happened? I am curious as I am in your situation. Long lost love of 10 years ago. We never officially broke up, just went our separate ways, so no closure. Made the error of e-mailing him without thinking through enough last year, got a dismissve response, and nothing more, but still hoping against hope. I understand your predicament and hope since you posted your question you have had some resolution or at least come to terms with your feelings.

My emotions have settled down a bit, but I can't say I'm any more contented. I just don't have an answer at the moment. I'm taking each day as it comes.

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Originally Posted by bubbys123

"Over twenty years ago, I fell deeply in love with a woman who was separated from her husband. We saw each other for about six passionate, blissful months, but she eventually went back to her husband without really giving me a definitive heave ho. She just stopped talking to me and ignored my attempts to talk to her. I went through the usual breakup grief for about a year or so, then was able to move on. However, I've thought about her briefly from time to time over the years wondering whatever became of her. I've been married now for over ten years with a wonderful wife and kids. But the memory of the earlier woman has now resurfaced for whatever reason like a bang, and it's like she just broke up with me all over again. I can't stop thinking about her, and I found out where she is and what she's doing by some Web searching. I love my wife but not being able to stop the painful memories is getting to me. I'm at the mid-life crisis age range so I don't know if this is part of something bigger, but I'd really like to get past it and be happy again with what my life eventually turned into. Can someone tell me how normal this is and offer any thoughts for getting back to what to me was great until these strong memories resurfaced? I've been through a bunch of "Getting Over a Lost Love" type Web sites and have tried their recommendations, but I need more help. Thanks."

I am in the same boat as you. I fell in love with a man 10 years ago and, even though I have since married a wonderful man who treats me like a queen, I am still unable to get the other man out of my head. It's almost like a drug! I have honestly tried to move on but all I need to do is hear a song playing on the radio or see someone who looks like him and all the old feelings come rushing back. I even dream about this former lover for no apparent reason. It's like he is ingrained in my soul.
Like you, I have researched and have found few stories like this. Perhaps there are many of us out there who have experienced and lost true unconditional love but are not willing to speak about it. This love I shared with this man was truly unconditional.
In my personal opinion, I believe that it is a case of finding our one and only true soul mate. I feel that I was lucky to have experienced such an extraordinary love for one person. I know that, no matter who I am with in the years to come, I will always love this man for the rest of my life!
After 10 years, I have stopped fighting my natural inclination to love this man and secretly love him from a far. I cherish the times we shared and know I will never have a love so complete as his.
I once told him I would love him forever and a day. At that time I had no idea how much that would ring true.

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Hi I am feeling the same as you are.
Can you tell me how you have made out so far. What did you decide do.

I have just continued to love him...

It's really helpful to know there are others out there with confused feelings about their past loves.

I met and fell hopelessly in love with a girl 26 years ago. Our affair lasted only months and ended in a jealous row (my fault). It was clear, at least with hindsight, that her feelings for me were as strong as mine for her but my reaction pushed her away - I said and did some awful things. When finally I left her alone and thought I was moving on and had lost her for good she took the initiative and told me she couldn't get me out of her head. We arranged to meet. But I didn't turn up. It was complicated by the fact that I'd started seeing someone else, not good evidence for my case I know. Several months later we met by chance in a bar - she was awaiting the results of some exams and was celebrating with friends - I spoke to her but it was social chit chat only. Later that night she called me at home to tell me se had passed and asked me to come and see her. We agreed to meet later that week. This time she got someone to tell me she wouldn't be turning up. We lived quite close and bumped into each other a few times after that until she moved away.

I've always felt that I didn't try hard enough and have wondered how things may have turned out. I got on with my life, got married and later had kids but looking back it was clear I was still in love with her when I married. After a while my strong feelings for her subsided. Unfortunately at times of darkness and stress she would re-appear in my thoughts. I think this s because she represented a different (? Better) alternative to a tough present. It does seem crazy that thoughts of her still come back at times like these. Ten years after we met I decided track her down to discover whether the feelings were real and I have to admit whether she had felt the same way.

Unfortunately she had moved to Canada shortly before I tracked her down and as I live in London that seemed the end of it.

I have suffered bouts of depression over the years and three years ago I had finally nselling. The subject came up and it seemed interesting to me that thoughts of her co-incided with my depressions. I decided later that I needed to put these feelings behind me. While part of me says it's highly unlikely that she has any feelings for me after all this time, part of me doesn't want to find out she has no feelings for me. It's a convenient fantasy of how my life could have been better.

In a way I think it would be best to contact her and get her reaction which I am 99% sure will be negative. It's the remaining 1% that niggles away at me. In a way, although she's almot certainly a fantasy, I've kept her alive in some way. Here are some lines I wrote about her 10 years ago:

We have a ghost in our house.
It’s been here since we’ve been here,
And seems unlikely now to go away.

I think it’s a girl of twenty-two or so,
But I can never really tell.
She stands at the furthest corner of my vision.

You sense her, not see her, don’t you?
And smell her warm breath at the edge of us.
And see a name unspoken (never spoken)
Fingered out on a damp window.

I'm not sure this helps the thread and I'm also a bit superstitious that talking about this makes it more real somehow

This is pretty amazing. I've been struggling with this very topic, and this forum was the first that came up in my search. I seriously wondered if I needed professional help since I couldn't believe there's anything normal about still being hung up on someone after 22 years. It's nice to know that I'm not alone, and like other contributors here, I got married and moved on, (?) but the previous relationship has never stopped lingering somewhere in the background. Some respondents have argued that 'you really didn't move on – and there must be something incomplete in your marriage…' Well, I won't argue, and maybe there is something lacking if I can't totally erase the love that came before my current commitment. We love our spouses (wife in my case) so deeply that it doesn't need defending. But here's an analogy; if you lose a child at a young age, then later move on with even more beautiful children, you'll still mourn and long for what once was. I know it isn't exactly the same, but those of us in this situation are part of the unlucky percentage that, for whatever reason, gets stuck in another emotional place. Like other contributors here, I have the dreams that spark the thoughts, but most recently, it didn't just fade away after the dream. And like others, I couldn't resist the urge to jump on the internet, and managed to find her online. Seeing a current image and bio was no fun. I felt like I'd returned to a painful place I never thought I'd have to visit again. In my case there are many miles of separation, and making contact is not something I'd consider. What lies at the core (and somebody else already said it) is some sense of inadequacy in mid-life. And for me personally, it's not about who I'm with or how much money I have, but about the mark I need to make on this world before I'm too old. I think most of you know what I'm talking about. There's something we all need to do in order to feel fulfilled, and it's very likely that my sad longings for a girlfriend of 22 years ago are tied to a present shortfall. I have some pretty lofty goals, but they're not unobtainable. Who knows? This could be some motivational spark I need in life. I just need to get back in touch with the present by taking care of what matters most. I hope this is helpful for someone. It's at least a start for me -