Ask Me Help Desk - I'm a little confused here!

I've read a lot of posts on this forum and feel like I've learned a lot about relationships as a result. I'd been frustrated for years experiencing the pattern of meet someone, get real intense for a short time, then they abruptly lose interest, then eventually someone else comes along and the cycle repeats. A lot of posters on this forum seem to experience the same thing. Now I must admit that I'd been guilty of playing "Mr. Nice Guy", being "clingy" (though at the time I tried to convince myself that it was "showing interest" by calling her 4 times a week) and being an overall A-1 wuss, somehow thinking that that'd impress the ladies. As a result of this forum and a little "side research" I now know better. But here's my current dilemma: I'm getting vibes that my current love interest is contemplating calling it quits, but for what seem to be the exact opposite reasons that my previous relationships have failed. She has been complaining recently that I'm "not affectionate" , a "hard person to get to know" and that I "don't open up to her." Now, what about all the "mysteriousness" that everyone suggests is necessary to keep the flame burning? I feel like I'm getting some very mixed messages here. I've known her for about 2 1/2 months now and see her maybe once a week and call her about as often ; certainly not guilty of "smothering" her like I did with past relationships. I'm trying to keep it cool, heed everyone's advice and be busy with lots of outside interests. However, it seems to be jeopardizing rather than solidifying this relationship. Now, is this woman playing head games with me, suggesting that she wants something that she really doesn't? Have I just found an exception to the rules, someone who actually wants a guy to be "clingy" and in constant pursuit? Or is something more subtle going on here? I don't get the impression that she's actually ready for something serious like an engagement so it's not like I'm being evasive when I shouldn't be. I'm ready for your feedback, so let me have it! Thanks.

From the sound of your post I have to wonder if she's really trying to tell you that she's bored with your relationship. You don't sound guilty of smothering her but you could be guilty of boring her (which is actually a close relative to smothering.) Although the quantity of time you spend with her seems appropriate at this point and certainly not excessive, what about the quality of your time together? It is possible to be open and affectionate with her when you do see her ; just don't do it every night (which I'm sure you already know.) Flirt and joke with her when you are with her. What types of things do you do when you go out on your weekly dates? If a "date" with her consists of plopping down on her couch, popping a video cassette or DVD into the player, six pack in hand and getting off the couch only when it's time to use the facilities (after the beer flushes itself through your system) or when the pizza man arrives, that'll get old really fast. You want your evenings with her to be fun and exciting so that she looks forward to seeing you that one night a week rather than dreading it. Do things that she enjoys ; just be sure to let it be your decision. Provide the leadership that she needs and wants in a man but make it fun for her as well. Take her to a favorite restaurant or to a movie that she's been wanting to see. Don't ask her "what do you want to do?" ; just make up your mind to do it, knowing that she'll enjoy it. What other types of activities does she like? Make it a point to do those things with her. Of course, spend time doing the things you enjoy as well ; just keep it in check, especially for those things that she's not particularly crazy about. For example, if you love to go bowling but she doesn't care for it, then don't take her bowling very often. Once in a while is OK but for the most part save that activity for the night you spend with your bowling buddies during your busy week. Pursue activities that are of mutual interest to you both ; not just things that you like to do or things that she likes to do. Now I can't guarantee that this advice will solve all of your poblems and there may be other issues at work here as well, but these are things you may want to consider, based on my own experiences.

Hi,
I, myself, use to be a math tutor, as your ID indicates.
At 63 yrs old, married 28 yrs (second marriage), I have learned one thing:
Be yourself, be honest and open, respect others, and you eventually will find the person that is meant just for you.
Not all suggestions about not being a "wuss" will work for everyone. If that is not your "true nature" and how you really want to act, it will not work in a lasting relationship. Sooner or later, your true feelings will come out. So, why not just use your true feelings in the first place.
We meet new people, form feelings for them, and sometimes hope it will lead to a loving relationship. Sometimes it does, other times not.
Please keep looking, be yourself, and I do know that for a fact, there is someone out there looking just for you. It takes time to find her.
Keep doing what you are doing with the current girl, but be yourself and be honest. Two and 1/2 months isn't a very long time to get to know someone very well. If it's meant to be, it will happen for both of you.

I highly advise pulling back even more. Don't call. Be busy. If she is acting that way - you pull back more. Give her less attention.

That's BS about the affection and attention. Less is more with woman.

Not being a WUSS is learning how to behave properly - IT'S NOT CHANGING WHO YOU ARE - AND TOO MANY People GET THAT CONFUSED. They don't understand that people don't know how to behave in a relationship. You can't change who you are - BUT you can grow up and mature.

A Wuss is imature and insecure and desperate.

NOT being a Wuss means you are comfortable with who YOU are - don't need the woman to be happy - being confident - being busy and having MANY other things in life.

There too many people here that just don't get what NOT being a WUSS means. Too many joker who think it's putting on an act.

NOT being a Wuss means you understand to tease women, understand their tests. Bust their chops sometime. Not letting women get away with walking all over you.

It's being a man, not a little boy.

Anyone putting on an act will lose.

Quote:

Originally Posted by fredg

Not all suggestions about not being a "wuss" will work for everyone. If that is not your "true nature" and how you really want to act, it will not work in a lasting relationship. Sooner or later, your true feelings will come out. So, why not just use your true feelings in the first place.

Actually I think I have been being my true, honest self more since learning not to be a "wuss." As Wildcat suggested, the whole "wuss" routine was pretty much a big act, with the intention of impressing the ladies, though at the time I might have wanted to refer to it as "chivalry." But there is a fine line between being chivalrous and being a doormat. I think I'm finally learning how to distinguish between the two. I know I've got a way to go still but I'm getting there little by little. Thanks for your input.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

I highly advise pulling back even more. Don't call. Be busy. If she is acting that way - you pull back more. Give her less attention.

Thanks. You're probably right.

Be true and honest to yourself .Women love secure men who live lfe and know how to live.They love a little mystery intrigue and strenght(of the personal kind)in other words lead don't follow that's for sheep and don't be intimidated by aggresiveness or sraight forwardness.They just want to have a good time just like you do.Be a challenge not a boor. :cool: