I feel like a chameleon - I change my personality and my opinions based on who is around me at the time. If someone were to ask me what I think - I usually give them the answer I think they want to hear. Not because I'm afraid to tell them the truth, but because I don't know what I think about anything, I draw a complete blank. I tried therapy, but my mind just went blank on what to say. I feel like I don't have an identity - I just crack jokes, or try to make people laugh. I don't know if this is a defense mechanism because I don't want people to know who I really am, less they figure out I'm not very interesting. I can honestly say that I have never been truly "myself" around anyone. I'm always in my head trying to figure out the best thing to say or do - for whoever is around me. I never stand up for myself, I never initiate sex or conversation, I just want to blend in to whoever's life I'm involved in.
I also have always preferred to walk away from a relationship, no matter how long, vs standing up for myself or having a confrontation. My past sexual relationships, even those who I thought I loved, I've broken up with multiple times, always waiting for him to figure out what he did - never wanting to talk about it. I can't articulate under pressure. I'm scared I will be wrong, or sound stupid. Not to strangers, not to friends. I have no confidence in myself. I have difficulty feeling and showing emotions, as I'm always thinking "how should I act right now?" like someone is watching. I always feel like people are watching me. This is crazy right?
I'm amazed I've gotten this far in my life when I feel like such a fake. Empty and Fake. I've never FULLY loved someone, I always have doubts. I'd rather pick someone apart for what they're not, then accept them for what they are. I don't trust any guys who come into my life. I get butterflies around the ones who I know won't treat me right, and the guys who genuinely care for me - I push them away.
I am a mess, and I feel if I can't figure this out, then I will never be happy. I'll marry the wrong man because I don't understand why the right man would love me. What do I have to offer?
Is this some kind of mental illness? Is there something I can do to find out who I am and what I think? Some medication I can take to feel normal?