Ask Me Help Desk - Cheating on my fiancŽe

I'm having a big issue in my life. I got engaged at the beginning of 2006 with my fiancée who's been with me since 2004. I'm 28 and she is 23. Initially in 2006 when we got engaged things went great.. it was refreshing for our relationship…it jumpstarted exciting things.. a big upgrade from our gf/bf status, we were totally in love and planning the wedding together was amazing. Recently we both got new jobs in another big city... this was a big move for us so we decided to move together from our little college town and relocate.
After starting my new internship a couple months ago I met some really great people at my work. . I never told them about my personal life therefore they no one at my office knew I was engaged or taken. I started hitting it off really well with one female coworker who was so intriguing to me and had the same tastes as film and music as I do... (note: my fiancée also has the same interests as well) but somehow this girl was just so brilliant and different that I became good friends with her during the workdays. We spent 9 hours a day together, ate lunch together and had really great conversations. She showed me around the city and it was so exciting to be in a big new city with someone new to talk to. After my internship ended I started a new job but I continued to hang out with her after work 1 or 2 times a week... we were always strictly friends and never flirted or hit on each other. Finally 2 weekends ago we went to an out of town concert together and out of nowhere we started kissing and holding hands. We both agreed we liked each other and to remain friends but not get involved in a relationship (which included no sex or anything intimate like that). Now mind you I was hanging out with this girl completely behind my fiancée’s back. I would always use the excuse I was out working or staying late with co-workers.

So I’m very confused right now... It is exciting to be hanging out with a "new" girl but the same time the passion in my existing relationship is dying.. and I love my fiancée.. she is beautiful, smart and hilarious. The way my past relationships have been is I always get "comfortable" and then the relationship just get boring to me. I always start intense and once I “score” the girl I get stuck in a 2+ year relationship that I eventually just let die. That is how a lot of my past relationships ended... with me just finding a replacement... but this time it's different.. I'm engaged to someone at one point I thought I would never find anything better... which makes me feel horrible.

We have been on rocky waters for the last month as far as intimacy goes.. she complains that there is no passion in the relationship.. and we act like "best friends" more than anything.. but the weird thing is that I’m not looking to have sex or be passionate with anybody else. I just really enjoy the companionship, the thrill, the holding hands with the "new" girl... even when I have a feeling even if I did end the engagement and decided to pursue a relationship with the new girl it wouldn't work out.. she's 22 and I’m pushing 30 in a few years... but then you never know what could happen in the future? Sigh. So I guess I’m trying to figure out what I want. I’m hoping this is a phase and I’ll just get over it.. drop the new girl and get back on track before the wedding in a year.

Anyway thanks for reading.. any help will be nice. I know I'm a horrible person but I need advice to make things right. I don't know what to do.

I think you need to end your engagement. You are cheating and being unfair to your fiancé. Not even letting the people you work with know you were enaged was the first red flag before I finished reading the rest.
Do the honorable thing. Tell your fiancé what you are doing and give her the choice as to whether she wants to stick around while you make up your mind.

From what you've said it seems like it's a decision only you can make. You've known both of these people for long periods, and if you're going to marry one of them I think you need to take some time out for yourself and think about what you really want. An answer on here probably won't help that much!

I would suggest trying to reinvigorate your relationship with your fiancée. Surprise her - try and be just as intense as you were when you first met her. Long-term relationships require work! If you do this I think you could be pleasantly surprised yourself...

And as for what could happen with the 'new girl' - remember that there are no guarantees. Many have fallen for the 'grass is greener' ideal and been badly burned (myself included, haha). If what you've found with your fiancée is so special and important to you (as it obviously is), then I'd be very careful in throwing it all away just because you've found someone you like holding hands with...

Quote:

Originally Posted by excello98

From what you've said it seems like it's a decision only you can make. You've known both of these people for long periods of time, and if you're going to marry one of them I think you need to take some time out for yourself and think about what you really want. An answer on here probably won't help that much!!

I would suggest trying to reinvigorate your relationship with your fiancee. Surprise her - try and be just as intense as you were when you first met her. Long-term relationships require work!! If you do this I think you could be pleasantly surprised yourself...

And as for what could happen with the 'new girl' - remember that there are no guarantees. Many have fallen for the 'grass is greener' ideal and been badly burned (myself included, haha). If what you've found with your fiancee is so special and important to you (as it obviously is), then I'd be very careful in throwing it all away just becuase you've found someone you like holding hands with......

Thanks excello,
Yes the "grass is always greener" is always a risk I know. In fact my fiancée was the greener grass for another relationship years ago.. and up to this point it worked out fine.. I'm just wondering If I'm not cut out for marriage.. maybe I'm scared.. I don't know.. I'm afraid that I'm going to get married and then I'll just keep trying to look for something new eventually... I hate that feeling.. I just want to be happy and loyal to one person.. I really need to bring back the fire that we had when we first met.. it just sucks that I'm losing the fire before we even get married.. that is not healthy to start things off.

Thanks

Then either cut all ties with the girl you work with and work on your relationship with your fiancé, or let your fiancé go. Does this other girl know you are engaged?

Mmm... well maybe someone else can jump in at this point because I've never wanted to get married for precisely that reason! After my parents got divorced I never understood the whole marriage thing, but I assume you shouldn't be having cold-feet about it, especially not a year out. Maybe society needs a relationship-paradigm shift, haha, or maybe you're just not ready for marriage yet.

If you're feeling that badly about the whole thing you might just have to bite the bullet and let your fiancée know how you're feeling. This might even mean breaking the engagement and trying things with the new girl - although this obvioulsy this could have disastorous consequences as far as your relationship with your fiancée is concerned.

I would still recommend against doing that, but in the end it's your decision! Remember that honesty is the best policy and that whatever decision you make you need to stick by it!

Hope that's helped at least a little.

Quote:

Originally Posted by excello98

mmm...well maybe someone else can jump in at this point because I've never wanted to get married for precisely that reason! After my parents got divorced I never understood the whole marriage thing, but I assume you shouldn't be having cold-feet about it, especially not a year out. Maybe society needs a relationship-paradigm shift, haha, or maybe you're just not ready for marriage yet.

If you're feeling that badly about the whole thing you might just have to bite the bullet and let your fiancee know how you're feeling. This might even mean breaking the engagement and trying things with the new girl - although this obvioulsy this could have disastorous consequences as far as your relationship with your fiancee is concerned.

I would still recommend against doing that, but in the end it's your decision! Remember that honesty is the best policy and that whatever decision you make you need to stick by it!

Hope that's helped at least a little.

Yes thanks your advice is helpful!
Yah the marriage thing is scary... but your very right about jeopardizing everything I have built up these last few years just for the sake of holding hands and kissing a girl just because it feels "Exciting and new". That is A LOT I'm giving up.. and I don't think it is worth it... but I don't feel happy at home.. I enjoy going out with all my new co workers and hanging out with them rather than going out with the fiancée.

Then you need to end the relationship with your fiancé. You are not being fair to her. Personally I don't think you are ready for marriiage other wise you would not have been going out with this other girl.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Then you need to end the relationship with your fiance. You are not being fair to her. Personally I don't think you are ready for marriiage other wise you would not have been going out with this other girl.

Thanks homegirl for your advice.
Yah I'm screwing everything up on both sides. I need to take time out and just figure out what the hell I am doing. I really hate this side of me which I need to work on.

Dude,

you have a pattern...any time a new girl makes your penis hard you want to be with her.

that happened to the girl before your fiance too...

My advice: STOP the engagement right now.
You need to deal with a problem now rather than a divorce later... see if you can live with the compromise of a relationship (ups and downs - sick and healthy) with someone for a while - without being engaged.

Perhaps you all can take time off.

Do not get engaged again until you are sure you can do it to the DEATH. Really.

Hang in there... old habits are hard to break.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash123

Dude,

you have a pattern...any time a new girl makes your penis hard you want to be with her.

that happened to the girl before your fiance too...

It's more like a new girl who intrigues me or brings something new to the plate.. it isn't sexual attraction right now... hell I'm not interested at all in sleeping with the new girl... I just enjoy hanging out . And yes it happened to the girl before my fiancée as well.. but in this case I lasted for a long time with the fiancée and thought I was done with all that for years.. esp since I was in my early 20s then. NOW I'm sucked back into my old ways again and I hate it... but this time it isn't cause I want to hop in bed with someone like I use to feel. Thanks for the advice ash.

Hmmm, "intrigues you" or "not sexual attraction..." uhh huhhhhh ---

Not to be blunt. But you need to really examine your approach to women...

I may know you better than you know yourself.

What are you going to do about your fiancé?

It seems to me to that you need t make a decision(TO YOURSELF). Ask yourself who is going to die with me. Will I be alone at the end because something new intrigues me. Its bascially saying that OMG this ride is awesome; but then a new thrilling ride is made. Then you definitely want to hop on that one. Marriage is something that bonds you together that your willing to do whatever you have to for your soul mate. The thing is we all do things when were young and when you involve marriage guys feel locked, trapped! Women fell deferent they fell like they found there only one! Truthfully feeling at home at work is a great feeling, but it is work and a co-worker is a co-worker. Yea yous connect but a million people on this earth connect FOR A TIME. You could be just scared or not ready,it not that marriage isn't for you its just you need a little more time than you think that's why of course there's engagement. In the old days couples use to be engage for years. The thing with you is you happen to do this a lot! You need to find yourself before any step you take! I would write questions to yourself and see what your answers you come up with! It is very important you find yourself. I had the same issue, but a little worst. My fiancée cheated on me several times but that was the way I had met him before he was always a cheater and that is because of how he was raised. He was very sick but I took all the bad with the good and that's what you have to do in a relationship NOBODYS perfect!! He always had it that I was going to cheat on him so hell get me before I did him! Truthfully I still haven't cheated on him and I never will. Im to confident about us. Now we have two beautiful daughters and were over all that young drama! So you should tell her and see where her head is at! The other one is just your moment don't get stuck!

You can do many things, but there is what is fair, and what isn't.
First, you need to tell your fiancé! Ask her if she still wants to stay with you. You HAVE to tell her. If you were to just call it off and walk away, she will find up eventually and I think it will be less hurtful to her to hear it from you and not someone else.
Honestly, I don't think you should ever get married, or not for a very, very, very long time! I've met a lot of men like you, they get sick of a girl and just move on. No explanation on why, but I just think they should let the next woman know how it won't last forever.
You can always try open relationships, I think you'd like that.
I wish you luck, and if you really do love your fiancé, you will tell her, the truth!

This post is 6 months old.

Here's a suggestion. Take a vacation by yourself to a remote spot and think this over. No inputs from anyone. I've learned that people can give you a lot of information but at the end of the day you will always do what you want. Honestly, you are both blessed and cursed. You have two women that care for you but you have to know which one loves you. There's a big difference and the decision can be a difficult one. Before you go any further than kissing this co-worker I would recommend you take my advise. Good luck. You'll be fine.

YOur fiancée deserved trust and you didn't give it to her. You went behind her back and now she deserves so much better. It seems you can't be faithful to just one person. Let her go, and she doesn't deserve to get hurt like that. It's wrong, you cheated, bottom line.