Ask Me Help Desk - Life without her, in shambles. Hard to handle to due promises.

Hi everyone

I recently just was in an approx 3 year relationship with my girlfriend, she has recently broken it off as she was unhappy and unsure about her future.

My life has taken such a turn and I have lost interest in everything and stopped eating and all, its just so hard to move on because I've realized so much about myself and how much I want to make it work with this girl. We used to have a fairly weird relationship in the sense that we did a lot of things together and not very with other people including her friends or mine.

I think I never did give her friends a chance before as when I met her, I had an image problem because I was very whipped by her and her friends all knew. I guess I was sort of embarrassed being older and all with her friends being in uni. So with our relationship, we were both hesitant going out with lots of friends and I didn't really get ot know them at all in person apart from big occasions. She also lives alone so I would stay over almost every single week apart from 1-2 days when her parents would come down to spend time with her.

In the past few months I have been obsessed with materialistic wants such as my car and have taken up 2 jobs which has taken a big toll on the relationship. I have been working since 6am till 9pm at night just to desperately get money for my car which I have longed for, for so long. This car is something which I have been wanting and talking to her about for a long time after selling my old car which she despised so much. I have given up a lot for this car including a planned trip overseas which I broke my word about and took a job over (which I ended up leaving afterwards)

I have also been pressuring her lately to be more affectionate sexually though we are both virgins due her religion. I have put quite abit of pressure on her and really really regret it now as I don't know why I was so blind. She told me she always felt pressured to satisfy me sexually whenever I was over and it bothered her a lot. I was so blind and still wroked so much not giving enough time for quality time in our relationship :(

I have realized so much now not because I have given up so much for her but I really love her and for all those things she did for me and how happy I am when I'm with her, she told me she would never be able to marry a non Christian and did not like my non self control in terms of sexuality. Only now have I decided that sex, money, honesty and jealously (issues I have had with her) are no longer important to me and want to change.

It has been 1 week now since the break up and I have unknowingly pleaded so much with her when she told me not to do this but she was firm on the decision which hurt me so bad. I mistakenly gave her ultimatums which I took back, she told me she wanted to let me go slowly and that I was a strong guy (which I'm not really), I want her back so much and have decided all those things are not important to me but rather being with her is what makes me happy. She told me she won't date anyone until I am over her but I don't know if she means that.. I have told her I will wait for her till the end of nov when her uni exams are over to rethink things about us

Since then I have tried to for fill my promises which I never did when I was with her both emotionally and materialistic (its the principle that counts to her) including being a Christian and going to church and taking language lessons. Lately I have seen her 5 or so days of the 10 days since we broke up that have past which I don't know if is good, I've taken her out for dinner as friends also though towards the end, some things relating to my empty promises have caught up and she was abit upset and kept telling me she doesn't want to talk about us a lot..

I have a big dilemma that I don't know how to do the NC thing with her as I promised her I wouldn't not pick up her calls it if we ever did break up :( as we have had problems in the past and how I did that to my ex also.. I just really miss her so much and am dying so badly here. Life is so bad I can't explain it, I just miss her more than anything :(

She told me just wants to be friends and will still talk ot me, I've let her know that id like to go overseas and do what we always planned to do i.e. travel if she gets back with me.. but these are all materialistic things which I accidentally offered along with my decisions on changes for views in life..

Is it really too late? I decided ill wait for her till the end of nov and not see her that often which is so hard.. I don't know how often I can talk to her either on the phone..

She told me she is talking to other guys but hasn't fallen in love with anyone.. which I hope to god is true..

Quote:

Originally Posted by kei12345

Hi everyone

I recently just was in an approx 3 year relationship with my girlfriend, she has recently broken it off as she was unhappy and unsure about her future.

My life has taken such a turn and i have lost interest in everything and stopped eating and all, its just so hard to move on because ive realized so much about myself and how much i want to make it work with this gurl. we used to have a fairly weird relationship in the sense that we did alot of things together and not very with other people including her friends or mine.

I think i never did give her friends a chance before as when I met her, i had an image problem due to the fact that I was very whipped by her and her friends all knew. I guess i was sort of embarrassed being older and all with her friends being in uni. So wiht our relationship, we were both hesitant going out with lots of friends and I didnt really get ot know them at all in person apart from big occasions. She also lives alone so I would stay over almost every single week apart from 1-2 days when her parents would come down to spend time with her.

in the past few months i have been obsessed with materialistic wants such as my car and have taken up 2 jobs which has taken a big toll on the relationship. i have been working since 6am till 9pm at night just to desperately get money for my car which I have longed for, for so long. this car is something which I have been wanting and talking to her about fora long time after selling my old car which she despised so much. I have given up alot for this car including a planned trip overseas which i broke my word about and took a job over (which i ended up leaving afterwards)

I have also been pressuring her lately to be more affectionate sexually though we are both virgins due her religion. I have put quite abit of pressure on her and really really regret it now as i dont know why i was so blind. She told me she always felt pressured to satisfy me sexually whenever i was over and it bothered her alot. I was so blind and still wroked so much not giving enough time for quality time in our relationship :(

I have realized so much now not because I have given up so much for her but I really love her and for all those things she did for me and how happy i am when im with her, she told me she would never be able to marry a non Christian and did not like my non self control in terms of sexuality. only now have I decided that sex, money, honesty and jealously (issues i have had with her) are no longer important to me and want to change.

it has been 1 week now since the break up and I have unknowingly pleaded so much with her when she told me not to do this but she was firm on the decision which hurt me so bad. i mistakenly gave her ultimatums which i took back, she told me she wanted to let me go slowly and that i was a strong guy (which im not really), i want her back so much and have decided all those things are not important to me but rather being with her is what makes me happy. she told me she wont date anyone until i am over her but i dont know if she means that.. i have told her i will wait for her till the end of nov when her uni exams are over to rethink things about us

since then i have tried to for fill my promises which i never did when i was with her both emotionally and materialistic (its the principle that counts to her) including being a Christian and going to church and taking language lessons. lately i have seen her 5 or so days of the 10 days since we broke up that have past which i don't know if is good, ive taken her out for dinner as friends also tho towards the end, some things relating to my empty promises have caught up and she was abit upset and kept telling me she doesn't want to talk about us alot..

i have a big dilemma that i dont know how to do the NC thing with her as i promised her i wouldnt not pick up her calls it if we ever did break up :( as we have had problems in the past and how i did that to my ex also.. I just really miss her so much and am dying so badly here. life is so bad i can't explain it, i just miss her more than anything :(

she told me just wants to be friends and will still talk ot me, ive let her know that id like to go overseas and do what we always planned to do ie travel if she gets back with me.. but these are all materialistic things which i accidentally offered along with my decisions on changes for views in life..

is it really too late? i decided ill wait for her till the end of nov and not see her that often which is so hard.. i dont know how often i can talk to her either on the phone.. ?

she told me she is talking to other guys but hasn't fallen in love with anyone.. which i hope to god is true..

It seems like a sad situation and you've learned a lot of hard lessons. At least I'd hope you do after all this.
Sadly though, it seems like she's made up her mind. You can't win love back, there's no way on earth you can make someone love you... and it's selfish to try. Love is a gift, not an obligation. I think it's extremely admirable she's decided to wait until you're over her before she see's other people. It shows she cares a lot, but not in the way you hope for.

I think you need to come to terms with it. Take care of yourself.

Only time will tell and each time you make contact with her or her family and friends the (TIME-WILL-TELL) CLOCK re-sets itself to zero. Each time you plead the clock resets to zero. Each time you ask her WHY the clock resets to zero. A final straw: These clocks have been around for a very long time and scientists have discovered that each clock will reset to zero just so many times and then shuts down. Guess it's up to you. Best wishes.

You may have promised her that you would pick up her calls no matter what, but I'm sure at some point she said she would love you forever. So those two broken promises can cancel each other out.

You need to find some self pride, and stop chasing after a girl who doesn't want to be with you. You will be a lot happier with yourself years from now.

Breakups suck a lot, but they happen regardless. How you react and what you do with your life afterwards is what makes you into who you are.

I also know that no matter what anyone says about anything, nothing will make you feel better at this point but time. But just know that we are all here for you, and that we have all gone through this, or are going through it right now. Read other peoples stories and realize that it isn't the end of the world. Track their progress and know that you will get better too.

Or you can sit at home and look at pictures of her, or call her asking her why etc. This will only result in a complete restart of the healing process every time you do this.

Thank you guys..
It really has destroyed my life...

I've almost lost my job which I recently got too :(

Our lives were so intertwined.. I will wait for her no matter what and have decided that for sure, I have given up on money, sex and jealously and have let her know. I really hope it isn't too late. I have also become a christian to make myself a better person for her and myself.

I feel as if my last hope is to give her time to miss me, I'm unsure as to how to handle the NC situation, should I just let her call me every now and then? Should I reply to her messages?

Hey man, I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. My relationship is so screwed and I am hurt all over again. Its been 3 months and I really thought I was getting better, until I get random texts that are cruel and heartless. Like feelings never were there. I am so depressed once again. I have used NC to the extreme and each time I get a text I feel like I go back to zero again. I have not replyed to any messages, but the pain of what she is messaging hurts so bad. All I can say is go NC and keep busy. I works, but like me today I am back in the dumps again. I am so depressed but will not reply to her cause it is important me to take control of me. As is you, take control of you and work on yourself. I know about letting your emotions effect your job, has mine as well. I sure hope you are able to get better. Sorry your going through this man, I am to so lets hope things get better.

Thanks Diamondstar, s hasn't been txting me mean messages at all, I'm so sorry to hear your ex is doing that, maybe she just really wants to keep in contact with you. She has told me she's wants to be friends and let it go slowly but I am dying and it has really affected me so much. I can't bring myself to accept it and don't know if I ever can even if I do get better.

Sex and money related aspects in life really don't make you happy, I don't know why we're so blind to see that..

I will wait and hope, I know I am digging my own grave doing so but I don't see myself pulling through this..

I can barely see the screen as I write this

I know exactly how you feel. I am hurting so bad to. I was getting better and now feel like I am back at square 1 even though I won't reply to her. I am even dating and keeping busy, but I still breakdown like this. I am so pathetic

Quote:

Originally Posted by Diamondstar03

I know exactly how you feel. I am hurting so bad to. I was getting better and now feel like I am back at square 1 even though I wont reply to her. I am even dating and keeping busy, but I still breakdown like this. I am so pathetic

I take offense to you calling yourself pathetic. There are so many of us in the same situation as you, with the same reactions as you. It is NOT pathetic to be hurt over losing someone you loved and probably had your life planned with. It would be pathetic if you could forget her/him in a matter of hours. It would be pathetic if you had cheated on them. It would be pathetic if you strung them along like some ex's have done to us.

It is not pathetic to be in touch with your pain.

madaman, hey man sorry didn't mean to offend you. I am just feeling real sorry for myself is all. I know what you are saying, didn't mean it that way. I am just confused and don't know how to understand. Sorry man, accept my apology.

Don't apologize, just stop thinking of yourself as pathetic. Its normal to grieve.

In my search for hope..

http://ezinearticles.com/?Get-Your-E...Life&id=719035

Do you guys think its possible? I've been trying to change slowly to show her before the end of nov.. I will continue to do my best

God I've been talking to friends and my own friends trying to get advice in the hope I can see some light in this.. how sad :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by madaman

I take offense to you calling yourself pathetic. There are so many of us in the same situation as you, with the same reactions as you. It is NOT pathetic to be hurt over losing someone you loved and probably had your life planned with. It would be pathetic if you could forget her/him in a matter of hours. It would be pathetic if you had cheated on them. It would be pathetic if you strung them along like some ex's have done to us.

It is not pathetic to be in touch with your pain.

GREAAAAAAAAAAAT Response madaman. Getting over the pain of losing someone you loved so deeply can take months, even years. I resently realized it's going to take as long as it takes. I've even prepared myself for the possibility that I may never get completely over him but I don't think that makes us pathetic, it makes us human

Quote:

Originally Posted by kei12345

in my search for hope..

Get Your Ex Back - What To Do When You Lose The Love Of Your Life

do you guys think its possible? ive been trying to change slowly to show her before the end of nov.. i will continue to do my best

I did the same thing at first, scoured the internet looking for articles that would help me get her back. At some point something snapped and I realized that anyone who needs this much work to make her love me again isn't worth the work. I then started reading 'how to get over her... " type articles and that's when I started healing.

What a lot of those get her back type articles say is to live your own life, show her you can be happy on your own. The thing with this is that once you DO start living your own life and being happy on your own, you really won't want the person back anyway.

KEI. Sweetie, don't waste your life waiting. You will only make it worse for yourself. Shutting yourselves away, neglecting friendships is not healthy. You deserve a better relationship than that. Eat already! Find new things to do that don't remind you of her. You will find someone who lets you be you, and you will be better for it.

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In my search for hope..

Get Your Ex Back - What To Do When You Lose The Love Of Your Life

Do you guys think its possible? I've been trying to change slowly to show her before the end of nov.. I will continue to do my best

I found all those get-your-ex-back ebooks. I am so sappy that I got them all. Read every word in everyone of them. It made me feel better for a short time but it didn't last. They all have real good ideas and procedures of how to handle your breakup and give you the best chance to make up with your ex. Has not happened for me, guess it was still money well spent though. Everything still hurts so bad. Guess some people are MUCH MORE EMOTIONAL than others.

Is it wrong to follow your heart though?

I don't know if I'm ready to move on.. I'm feeling so lost..

Your heart is too weak right now, follow your head hon. Would you want her to feel this way, and not do something about it. Are you not worth it? We are rooting for you.