Me and my husband have been married almost 6 years. We used to be great at communication but now to be honest it sucks. When ever there's a problem and I try to confront it he'll avoid the subject by cracking jokes, or it will just turn into a big fight. I have bought 2 books on making your marriage better and communicating better. I get a lot of interesting stuff out of it, things that can help us. When I ask him to read it so we can improve his response is "highlight what you want me to read". I have told him if he want s the whole marriage he'll read the whole book. For example, he smokes I don't. I ask him all the time to go outside, we live in a small condo and I don't want the kids breathing it in. It turns into a fight and then " if you don't like it leave" and sometimes I do want to leave. I Have asked him to go to counsling and he says for me to go first. If he's not willing to work on the marriage why should I stay? Any sugestions?

Thank you

Hi,
I am sorry to hear about this. I was married at 24, then divorced 7 yrs later. I married again, am now 63, retired, and married to a wonderful woman for 28 yrs.
Not wanting to go out on the balcony to smoke shows a complete disrespect and "don't care" about it, attitude toward you. Not wanting to go to a Marriage Counselor with you is also a bad sign.
I would talk with him again, about going with you. Let him know, point blank, that you and he needs to go together and talk with a Professional Marriage Counselor... that things are that bad now.
If he refuses, you have two choices. Either keep going as you are; very unhappy; or, talk with a lawyer.
He might change his mind if he receives Separation Papers from a lawyer!
I see those two choices as your only choices. I do sincerely wish you the best of luck, and I hope it works out OK for you and him.

Ask him (or have the kids ask) not smoke inside because of peoples health concerns and the known hazards of 2nd'y smoke... Wait for his real answer. If he has no regard for you or your children's health, you likely don't stand a chance for near-term "happy marriage". Since he seek decides to confront his issues and/or seeks help, his issues will remain your (and the kids) burden. Believe me, change is inevitable - even through lack-of effort. It will take both of you together to make the changes needed as a unhappy couple. Without mutual communication and effort, your future in this marriage is very limited.

In either case, be honest and forthright with him and yourself and you will have done the best you could under the circumstances. Life is short and if nothing else, I suspect your children deserve better.

Good Luck...

P2E

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Originally Posted by tnjcap1

Me and my husband have been married almost 6 years. We used to be great at communication but now to be honest it sucks. When ever theres a problem and I try to confront it he'll avoid the subject by cracking jokes, or it will just turn into a big fight. I have bought 2 books on making your marriage better and communicating better. I get alot of interesting stuff out of it, things that can help us. When I ask him to read it so we can improve his response is "highlight what you want me to read". I have told him if he want s the whole marriage he'll read the whole book. For example, he smokes I don't. I ask him all the time to go outside, we live in a small condo and i don't want the kids breathing it in. It turns into a fight and then " if you don't like it leave" and sometimes I do want to leave. I Have asked him to goto counsling and he says for me to go first. If he's not willing to work on the marriage why should I stay? Any sugestions?

Thank you

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by tnjcap1

Me and my husband have been married almost 6 years. We used to be great at communication but now to be honest it sucks. When ever theres a problem and I try to confront it he'll avoid the subject by cracking jokes, or it will just turn into a big fight. I have bought 2 books on making your marriage better and communicating better. I get alot of interesting stuff out of it, things that can help us. When I ask him to read it so we can improve his response is "highlight what you want me to read". I have told him if he want s the whole marriage he'll read the whole book. For example, he smokes I don't. I ask him all the time to go outside, we live in a small condo and i don't want the kids breathing it in. It turns into a fight and then " if you don't like it leave" and sometimes I do want to leave. I Have asked him to goto counsling and he says for me to go first. If he's not willing to work on the marriage why should I stay? Any sugestions?

Thank you

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Hi and welcome.. I'm going to play 'devil's advocate' here, as my 'gut feelings' usually click in on most messages and I'm reading between the lines too much to ignore them here.
Are there any signs at all other than the attitude change within the home that might, just might indicate, that he's no longer happy and seeking a reason for you to call it quits so that he can have a clear conscience?? He surely seems dissatisfied with something.. could it be that the excitement is gone; you might be too pushy; or he's just plain bored? There are many reasons for reactions of his towards actions he does try hard to ignore or talk away. And you did mention the change in communication, so something is wrong, and forcing him to 'change' will probably give him just what he wants - to throw that ball in your court and give you the blame for it all. Please don't think I'm being judgemental, as I never do that, but am just giving you a little food for thought and am not trying to be brusk about it. If his response to therapy was 'you go first' then go, and have him officially 'invited' by the therapist when he/she feels it appropriate to include him in on the process. This might be the first step to improving your relationship if you both want it to work.
As far as 'passive' smoke, look for information on the internet about the harms it can do, print it out and give it to him letting him know you did this for the kids, and if he loves them he should consider a choice of smoking outside. You cannot force anyone to quit an addiction unless they want to, but you can try and coax him into caring more about where he smokes.
At any rate I certainly wish you a lot of luck and hope you keep us posted.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_13_3.gifI might be reading more and could be wrong, but...