Ask Me Help Desk - She loves me, but claims to love another.

Ok this is a severely screwed up situation and I have no idea what to do!

I've been with my girlfriend for near a yer but have known her longer. Before she was with me (months) the guy she was with basically used her. Now... We've been really great up to now, perfect almost. She met this guy at a party a little while ago and they ended up talking, and about what happened. He claimed he was too scared to commit etc etc so he left her standing in the dark (this was approx a 2 month relationship), not after he got what he wanted I hasten to add. She actually forgave him and decided to be friends. What am I to say? That's her choice, I don't have to like the guy right?
We were still really good after this point, but when we went on a weekend with a band (he was there) she changed dramatically... By the time we got back home she seemed so cold and distant caliming I pissed her off when I was drunk... No one else had a problem with me, I'm not a bad guy.
I apologised anyway and things seemed to get better. One day though, out of the blue she starts crying and saying how she still loved this other guy. I'm absolutely struck. I react rationally thoughm I'm understanding and supportive. We talk about it, she mostly talked to one of her friends. In the end she decided she wanted to be with me... Nice, now I feel like I was strung out on a line.
She's going through this "I love you, but sometimes I doubt it" phase. She tells me she doesn't want to know what life will be like without me, but she doesn't know if she'll feel the same in 5 years etc etc. She seems all confused right now. Likewise, I'm wondering what the hell is going on here! I talk to her , but she just tells me I don't understand or changes the subject. As it is I feel like I'm in limbo while she decides what she wants to do... I want to be there for her, but right now it's hard as hell. Iv'e prepared myself for all the eventuallities, right now I just feel like I'm hanging on.

What does a guy do?

After all I've been through, I think you should have your own space. Think about yourself: do you really need that kind of love? Can you be happy if the obsession that someday he will take her away from you? She is confused herself, let her deal with it herself. You focus on your life.

You tell her "hey, ok, then just come to him, i dont mind. This is not the kind of relationship i wanted. i'll be just fine and happy". Trust me, this is the scariest statement to gals. SHe might act like "ok, thats what u say, dont regret" but inside she fears.

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You tell her "hey, ok, then just come to him, i dont mind. This is not the kind of relationship i wanted. i'll be just fine and happy". Trust me, this is the scariest statement to gals. SHe might act like "ok, thats what u say, dont regret" but inside she fears.

Hey Imnotok, was reading your reply, you being a girl is that really how girls act? I mean just curious since I kind of said something similar to my ex and have not heard from her. I won't contact her and seems she doesn't care. If it is scary to girls then why are they so stubborn?? Lol, anyway good advice. I agree with you Imnotok, listen to her man work on yourself. Let her be, she is the one confused not you. I am sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel Keep busy and keep NC in place. Learn to like yourself again and things will fall into place :)

Please let me comment on the term "I don't understand." I'm sure it means many things to many people. If my great grandmother took her old DB4 to a garage she might say I don't understand why the engine is knocking. Or in this post the term might equate as: OK he wants me to tell him I have this crazy hot feeling about this other guy and I know I can't act on the feeling because he's a looser and I might end up with zip but if there was a way I could climb in with him just for a day or a night I know it would be Sooooooo Awesome but my boy friend might find out, damn this is so pissy I am just mad at everything and why is this happening to me and not some one else but I know if I did it I could keep it to myself and NO WAY would anyone find out, what am I going to do? I'll just say "you wouldn't understand" no that won't work cause he'll just tell me he would understand and that's all I'd hear for the next 50 years... YES! I can say "I don't understand" and that'll do it, cool.

I know you don't want to hear this, but when the partner starts the "i love you but what about 5 years from now" talk, I think they have one foot out the door.

She likes the security you give. The comfort of the relationship.

But I'm thinking that she's not ready to settle down and the prospect of new relationships is too strong.

That's not a bad thing... at least for her. It isn't mean to recognise you might not be ready for a long term commitment. It just might be where she is.

But that, of course, sucks for you.

You can stick around to see if you are "good enough"... done that. It hardly ever ends well. You become the safe house when life is tough... but don't think for a minute that its enough to keep things together.

I think relationships take work and I'm not one to just say walk away. Maybe she's scared of how she feels and needs time to adjust to being with a person in a longer term commitment.

But if I were you id be cautious... too much of this back and forth "i love you, but, but, but..." noise means she's not all in. many times when there is a breakup, the other person has been thinking about the possibility for a time. Sounds to me like she's thinking about it and trying to reason one way or the other.

Personally, I want a partner who chases me as hard as I chase them. It just isn't enough to be acceptable until something better comes along.

Yeah this situation blows:(

However, what all these things mean are unclear, I mean do you run now? What if she IS the ONE? I don't suscribe to leaving before you get hurt, I mean if you like/love her than face whatever comes y'know. It may bite your but it may be the best thing you have ever done right? I think you take the challenge head on, she loves another as well as you, PROVE you are the guy, MAKE her love you more than him, look at it as a challenge and rock this f'kn dork back to Kansas mate!!

If its too hard or your losing the fight than you can retreat,I mean it's a tough one for sure, I just think we can be more than we think we can be, running away solves nothing, Win it!

Well the funny thing is, iv'e been through about as many emotional situations as I care to admit. I'm a very understanding and logical person too. I WOULD understand. I say as much after she explains something, yet she still has it in her head I have no idea.
This guy has similar chemical imbalances to my GF, worse so apparently. She can be irratic sometimes, but she is a genuinly good person. She never lies and has an incredibly guilty concience. Would she actually cheat on me? I'm dubious about that, I have no idea.
I'm wondering if what she thinks is "love" is actually sympathy and the motherly instinct she has. I know these things can be easily confused.
In the end though, if she does decide to be with him, I don't think I could ever take her back. Iv'e been hurt too much on the back of this, sometimes people just need to make their mistakes. Déjà vu, my ex did that too, except she DID cheat on me.

I'm trying to keep busy though, going to start playing in a new band soon. I can put a lot of time into that and give her the space. Whatever comes from this... we'll see. I also should point out it's a long distance relationship. Over 7000 miles to be precise. Trust is so implicit in this relationship.

@Kp ; Those are all very good points I've thought about. And your'e wrong, I DO want to hear these things otherwise I wouldn't be here. Everythings noted. Thanks. Wev'e talked very recently and I think she's scared of the distance and loving me. She just doesn't want me to leave. After a heap of to-ing and fro-ing she finally spat it out. A lot is coming out that should have been said before that she kept inside. Although you're right on the money, I should be cautious.

@BMI; It's all to possible in the light of things that things *could* work out, and yeah it's a lot of work. I think this will be the real test. We'll either sink or swim. I know if she does really love me we'll get through, otherwise... well. I know this guy, met him. He seems nervous around me, but I expected that after all he did. I get a really bad vibe from him too, and my gut instinct has never been wrong in my life. Hopefully she'll figure out exactly wahts what, otherwise she's in for a long fall and I won't be there to catch her... Seems harsh, but so is life and hard lessons learned.

Well said my man, Best of luck:)

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Originally Posted by Vulf

Ok this is a severely screwed up situation and I have no idea what to do!

I've been with my girlfriend for near a yer but have known her longer. Before she was with me (months) the guy she was with basically used her. Now... We've been really great up to now, perfect almost. She met this guy at a party a little while ago and they ended up talking, and about what happened. He claimed he was too scared to comit etc etc so he left her standing in the dark (this was approx a 2 month relationship), not after he got what he wanted I hasten to add. She actually forgave him and decided to be friends. What am I to say? Thats her choice, I don't have to like the guy right?
We were still really good after this point, but when we went on a weekend with a band (he was there) she changed dramatically... By the time we got back home she seemed so cold and distant caliming I pissed her off when I was drunk...No one else had a problem with me, i'm not a bad guy.
I apologised anyway and things seemed to get better. One day though, out of the blue she starts crying and saying how she still loved this other guy. I'm absolutely struck. I react rationally thoughm i'm understanding and supportive. We talk about it, she mostly talked to one of her friends. In the end she decided she wanted to be with me....Nice, now I feel like I was strung out on a line.
She's going through this "I love you, but sometimes I doubt it" phase. She tells me she doesn't want to know what life will be like without me, but she doesn't know if she'll feel the same in 5 years etc etc. She seems all confused right now. Likewise, i'm wondering what the hell is going on here! I talk to her , but she just tells me I don't understand or changes the subject. As it is I feel like I'm in limbo while she decides what she wants to do...I want to be there for her, but right now it's hard as hell. Iv'e prepared myself for all the eventuallities, right now I just feel like i'm hanging on.

What does a guy do?!

Get away from her fast. You should take the fact that she is even doubting your love as a huge exclamation point and show her what life without you would be like. "Ok so you aren't sure you love me well time to find out", is what you should say and take off man. This will only create a huge strain on your relationship and you will not look at her the same even if she stays with you. Do this on your own terms before she inflicts any more damage. She's already emotionally being siphoned away, you need to save face and close the door on her. I've said this once today and I'll say it again, if you love something let it go if it comes back to you it's yours if it doesn't it never was. Don't be number 2 and don't give her the time to think about it. Force the issue, be the man and be strong.