Ask Me Help Desk - Win the heart of a free spirit

I'm a free spirit and many of my relationships have broken up because when I wanted to change direction my partner was unsupportive and I felt chained by that, in some cases for years, until I got so depressed by the contraints and the longing to be out there trying new things that I ended the relationship and was able to fly and be free again.

Out of any forecast, I was in a relationship with another free spirit, and its like I did the mistakes my ex's have done with me. She was an adventurous and a free spirit. Its actually really hard being a free-spirit and being responsible to others. Which I guess is why many people with this need for constant change seem flakey and selfish. But I didn't understood that and I wanted her to be more responsabile toward my feelings. We had a 2 years long distance relationship, and the first 1.5 year everything was perfect. I admit, it was my first serious relationship. But the last months she began to "change", like having more social life, going parties with guys friends (she didn't had girl-friends in her city, as every of them went outside country), etc. Well, I admit, I told her time after time, that I was not feeling good about her behaviour, and to tell the truth, I thought she was cheating on me, and I became jealous and very insecure. We argued a lot about these things, and it seemed like she changed, but it doesn't last for too long (max 3-4 days). Than again the same story. Maybe it was my fault I insisted so much to have her "under control", and I have to admit I became kind of egoist and manipulator. She even took my propose for engagement, as a controlling side of mine. Her opinions about me changed so much the last time we were together, and this ex of her was by her side, supporting her, and in the same time taking advantage from our troubles. Anyway, she couldn't live anymore like that, and she got back to her ex, with whom she had a friendship and also a relation together before me. I admit that their relation was ended like 1 year before I met her, although none of them took the responsibility to breakup, but in the end she broke up with him and came with me. Now the hardest thing is that, she is back with him (its like more a rebound I guess), and in the same time she keeps contact with me. This is pretty hard, now that I understood who she really was, a free spirit in the need for change time after time. And I was scared from that change. But she was tired from the relation and my insecurities (although I knew she had a friendship with her ex, cause they knew each other, before I came to the picture, but I was still afraid of that much frequation, and in the end, I found out that 3 months after we began to argue she went back to her ex, so I broke up with her). So, in somehow, I still think it was my fault of my insecurities, and my controlling and manipulative side (im a scorpion by the way, she is a libra). I want her so desperately back, and I can't find any way to show her what I have learned. We have some contact time after time, but on the same time, I have this fear like whatever I do, she will think like I'm stalking her. Also, she doesn't like to end relations in this way, with no contact, hating each other, and so on. On the same time, when we talk, she tells me things indirectly about our relation, like the song we used to hear, a guy from my city she used to meet, etc. She also valued the time we have together, let alone the breakup. And she thanks me for that. Its since 6 months the same story, we contact time after time, I try to hide my feelings and she keeps telling me things indirectly about the relation. The last time I told her to stop with that.
I talked to her, after the breakup, about everything I did wrong, and that I need to change. By the way, she knows that I used to control her, I spied to her, and I did a lot of terrible mistakes, and I really apoligized about every hurt I gave to her and the trust she lost in me, but that gave us only the possibility to have some contact, nothing more. What do you suggest me to do, cause I'm going ill, really. I thought to not talk to her anymore, and let her be free, but I'm afraid I'm losing my greatest love, for the only crime that I didn't understood who she was and what she wants, although I was there for her whenever she needed me. Also she doesn't want the "No Contact" and doesn't want me to get out of her life, but she will respect my decision, if I feel like that! And when I talk to her, she responds immediately. I don't want to look like a pathetic, but if you don't have interest in a particular guy, specialy someone you were with, and made your life hard, you should hate him, or at least have a bitter taste and forget him, right ? Let alone, speaking and telling stories, or having a behaviour like nothing happened (although it happened about six months ago). If she wants me to be somekind of "back-up", I can deal with it, because in somehow I deserve it. At least I will have enough time to become someone else, and have a change of myself, as long as I know where the problem lied.

Interesting. You met someone just like you and it did not work out. So do you still consider yourself a free spirit?

Quote:

Originally Posted by shygrneyzs

Interesting. You met someone just like you and it did not work out. So do you still consider yourself a free spirit?

Next time, read the post till the end, or waste your time to post.

I did read the whole story and you are best to have no contact with her, as she cannot make up her mind enough. So you must establish some kind of boundary with her of else you will not ever get past the relationship. Or allow yourself the time to understand yourself and change, if that is what you really want to do. You are unhealthy - you spied on her, used control, played games and so did she. She was unhealthy too and so the two of you together are a bad mix.

What was your overall plan with her? To be there when she needed and yet allow her to explore when she needed? So kind of like a dog on a leash. You do need some time to "regroup" yourself but onnly do that because you feel you deserve to be healthy, not because you are in waiting for this woman to come back to you.

It's a good idea, I think, that you totally back off and cut her off. It seems that you need a good amount of time to figure yourself out, in as much as learning your actual characteristics. You're all over the place, even with your writing. Secondly, she is USING you as an emotional crutch when she talks about her relationships with you. She's totally manipulating you into doing what she wants. I bet the pain you're feeling now is similar to the pain you caused your other girlfriends when you where being "free-spirited", making your situation the textbook definition of irony. Perhaps you should immerse yourself in your own life and leave her with her ex boyfriend, you know the guy she is probably sleeping next to. She sees you as a doormat and incredibly co-dependent, basically aware that she can do whatever she wants to you. This strikes a nostalgic nerve for me. I would consider my last girlfriend what you call a "free-spirit".

Quote:

Originally Posted by Matteus

Which I guess is why many people with this need for constant change seem flakey and selfish.

That's because mostly they are selfish and flakey. It it smells like a duck walks like a duck, you know, it's probably a duck. The term free spirit, to me OK, means a person lacking commitment capability, lack of concentration with the present, focuses excessively in the future, impulsivity and compulsivity, requires immediate gratification, and may possess characteristics of someone with ADHD. Now don't get me wrong these aren't bad people now but they aren't ones you can bet you will have a stable and long relationship with. In the end rather than asking themselves, how will this impact OUR relationship, they are more likely to say how will this impact ME and what can I gain from it. I bet during arguments she rarely conceded nor did she rarely apologize. Since you consider yourself a free-spirit I bet you rarely conceded and rarely apologized. I also bet she had a shakey relationship with her father. Now I may be wrong on all or some of this but it seems mixing you together will always be like mixing nitroglycerin and tnt and shaking. Finally, if you needed to change her to be with you then you weren't with her because of her but because of an idea you wished she was. So maybe you never really loved HER more the dream image you had of her. This equates to a falsehood of a relationship. Your controlling nature will always make anyone feel suffocated and end it with you. The simplest quote usually is the best "If you love something let it go if it comes back to you it's yours if it doesn't it never was".

In summary, you guys don't seem right together, and move on and work on YOUR life to improve YOURSELF and let go of this woman who may seem like the best thing in the world but only seems like a selfish and shallow person to the outside, disconnected, logical observer. Good luck and take care.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shygrneyzs

Interesting. You met someone just like you and it did not work out. So do you still consider yourself a free spirit?

While this question may be somewhat derisive, I think perhaps you should ask yourself this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shygrneyzs

I did read the whole story and you are best to have no contact with her, as she cannot make up her mind enough. So you must establish some kind of boundary with her of else you will not ever get past the relationship. Or allow yourself the time to understand yourself and change, if that is what you really want to do. You are unhealthy - you spied on her, used control, played games and so did she. She was unhealthy too and so the two of you together are a bad mix.

What was your overall plan with her? To be there when she needed and yet allow her to explore when she needed? So kind of like a dog on a leash. You do need some time to "regroup" yourself but onnly do that because you feel you deserve to be healthy, not because you are in waiting for this woman to come back to you.

Although the TRUTH was a good reason to do whatever I did, there is NO excuse about that, I have to say. Sometimes, I want to call myself guilty, even for the breakup, but I just cant. Although I am very altruist, to the point MAX maybe, still, this time, I just cant. It was like I found myself in this swirl, without my wish. Everything began when she began to frequent the clubs more and more, giving her time to have more fun, sometimes even without me, and forget the priorities. It seemed always like I was not a priority anymore, like I was someone better off. You understand I guess. And, as I had the same problem before in another relationship, I was feeling afraid of myself, I have to say. Well, this was my mistake. I could have told her, since beginning, that I don't like that, and break up. But the girl was someone I cared and loved, and I'm some kind of guy, who respects and wants to be respected, otherwise I go to the hell to get the truth, if you know what I mean. I was not finding the respect I deserved, and I felt all the last time, like she was playing games. You know, everything is OK, but in fact nothing is OK. I believe in my insticts more than in the words of others, although I trusted her, my trust began to shake. So,I began to spy on her, and in the same time, we had those argues. Those argues are the real trouble here. If there were no argues, and I found out that I was OK, but she cheated or something like that, than I could have a really good reason even to hate her to the point that she doesn't exist anymore.
Well, I know I'm co-dependent, but what the hell do you expect after 2 years of relationship, when everything was just on right track, and than of a sudden, day after day, everything seems to go down more and more. Im sorry, but I still don't get the point of the co-dependecy in this case. I was someone perfect the first 1.5 years, and she admits that. We had a really good time, as she admits. Co-dependent or not, I was someone worth. Now, of a sudden, I became someone else?? If you call co-dependent someone who cares about you, and respects you, and trusts you, and doesn't want to be manipulated or lied, I don't know, but I think this is called love. Anyway.

Quote:

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Since you consider yourself a free-spirit I bet you rarely conceded and rarely apologized.

I consider myself free-spirit, but not to the point that it reflects my relationships. I don't find it worth to care about my relation, when I feel lost and suffocated or not myself in that relation anymore. Like I'm bored, you know what I mean. This is what I think it happened to her too. Before the argues, I mean in the time when everything was OK, she apologied and conceded, but later on, as the argues began, she seemed like she had no nerves anymore, or something like that. You know, I talked to her, she rebeled or she didn't said anything, just a couple of words, and decline. I don't know man. Well, I'm someone who apologizes, and not for the sake of the relation, but because I truly understand my position. It seemd like she didn't wanted to understand her position. And that suffocated me. I told her, more than one time, if you want the end of this relation, we finish it here, she told me no. After some time, she told me she doesn't feel the same anymore. Than I asked her if she loves me, she kept telling me I love you, but in a different way. Common, what the heck does it mean. You love or you don't love. No, everyone loves in a different ways.. Than she told me she needs a little space. Well, I didn't understood in that time, what it meant. I have to say, mostly I didn't had this kind of problems in my previous relationships, as there was no time for space, I was the one to end the relations. Anyway. I was devoted to her, and in the same time in-dependent (remember we were in a LDR, we saw each other every weekend, and everyone had the time to do whatever we wanted to do). All I wanted was a little affection from her, and it seemed like it was lost. Call me co-dependent, but what do you expect to become, after 2 years together? Its supposed to be open to the relation, and give up on any boundaries, and be yourself, right ? I mean, you expect from your partner to care about you more than before, show affection toward you, more than before, etc.

You call yourself co-dependent - that is an oxymoron when you also call yourself a free spirit. I really do hope you get into some relationship therapy. If you want to continue as you are, then you are totally free to do so, yes. If you want the same things to happen to you again, then stay the same. But you really honestly deserve to know why you do the things you do. Why you seek characteristics in a woman that attract you at first, then turn on you. You turn on yourself and become your own worst enemy.

This girl obviously did not want to stop or go further - she loves you but not like she should love you. You are right - what the heck is that? When someone says that, it is time to back the toothbrush and go home. No need to stay and wait to get kicked. That is just messing with your head.

Have you read much about difficult relationships? Take a look at the following. Not every word will apply to you but some will definitely stand out and shout to you. I do wish you the very best. No one deserves any less.
Being an Emotional Victim
Inner Bonding: Relationship Advice, Relationship Help, Spiritual Growth, Parenting Advice
Difficult Relationships by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
:: www.InspiredLifeDesign.com ::
Coloring Therapy - Elements of Personal and Collective Self-Sabotage

Quote:

Originally Posted by shygrneyzs

You call yourself co-dependent - that is an oxymoron when you also call yourself a free spirit. I really do hope you get into some relationship therapy. If you want to continue as you are, then you are totally free to do so, yes. If you want the same things to happen to you again, then stay the same. But you really honestly deserve to know why you do the things you do. Why you seek characteristics in a woman that attract you at first, then turn on you. You turn on yourself and become your own worst enemy.

This girl obviously did not want to stop or go further - she loves you but not like she should love you. You are right - what the heck is that? When someone says that, it is time to back the toothbrush and go home. No need to stay and wait to get kicked. That is just messing with your head.

Have you read much about difficult relationships? Take a look at the following. Not every word will apply to you but some will definitely stand out and shout to you. I do wish you the very best. No one deserves any less.
Being an Emotional Victim
Inner Bonding: Relationship Advice, Relationship Help, Spiritual Growth, Parenting Advice
Difficult Relationships by Rod E. Smith, MSMFT
:: www.InspiredLifeDesign.com ::
Coloring Therapy - Elements of Personal and Collective Self-Sabotage

Absolutely right at every point. Thanks for every help buddy!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Matteus

I consider myself free-spirit, but not to the point that it reflects my relationships. I dont find it worth to care about my relation, when i feel lost and suffocated or not myself in that relation anymore. Like im bored, you know what i mean. This is what i think it happend to her too. Before the argues, i mean in the time when everything was ok, she apologied and conceded, but later on, as the argues began, she seemed like she had no nerves anymore, or something like that. You know, i talked to her, she rebeled or she didnt said anything, just a couple of words, and decline. I dont know man. Well, im someone who apologizes, and not for the sake of the relation, but because i truly understand my position. It seemd like she didnt wanted to understand her position. And that suffocated me. I told her, more than one time, if you want the end of this relation, we finish it here, she told me no. After some time, she told me she doesnt feel the same anymore. Than i asked her if she loves me, she kept telling me i love you, but in a different way. Common, what the heck does it mean. You love or you dont love. No, everyone loves in a different ways...? Than she told me she needs a little space. Well, i didnt understood in that time, what it meant. I have to say, mostly i didnt had this kind of problems in my previous relationships, as there was no time for space, i was the one to end the relations. Anyway. I was devoted to her, and in the same time in-dependent (remember we were in a LDR, we saw eachother every weekend, and everyone had the time to do whatever we wanted to do). All i wanted was a little affection from her, and it seemed like it was lost. Call me co-dependent, but what do you expect to become, after 2 years together? Its supposed to be open to the relation, and give up on any boundaries, and be yourself, right ? I mean, you expect from your partner to care about you more than before, show affection toward you, more than before, etc.

Read my post "In dire need of assistance, Ex Emailed" Specifically Chuff's answers to my post, I think you will find some help within that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

Read my post "In dire need of assistance, Ex Emailed" Specifically Chuff's answers to my post, I think you will find some help within that.

Chufff... the great master... and you believe every word he says ? Just because he does that superanalyze? Common buddy. You were in the relation, not him. For more read what I wrote in your post, and think about it.

By the way, I tell you something. My ex has a profile in a website, and I posts things there and she responds. She doesn't know that its me, as I have completely different profile, I mean a different name, different photo, everything different, and she thinks this is totally someone else. If she knew that this guy is me, she won't write that much, not because she hates me, because we talk now and than on msn, but because she can't find me attractive anymore. And this way I began to win her again, but not like me, like someone else. I just want to prove the whole thing, that I'm right, when I say, girls go after challenge and attraction, like us guys who go after beauty.

And something more, I have had being in the opposite side of a relation, and I felt like I lost the attractiveness, the callenge, you know, and I just was feeling like boring in there, and I got out as soon as I could. I mean, I lived the "good" (dumping) and the "bad" (being dumped) side of the relations, and I know how it works now.

This is what I have learned from everything...
About Me
I have gone to the hell, and back to earth again, and I still feel happy.
I didn't came to this world for the happinness of anyone else. So, be independent and learn to make yourself happy, instead of waiting from others to make you happy. People may come to you, stay with you, go away from you, that doesn't count. The only thing that counts is that yourself will be yours forever. So I say, enjoy yourself, respect yourself, love yourself, and don't expect from others to be respected or loved if you can't love yourself first. Live your life your way, and don't care about what others may say (like children). Everyone that says you have to do this or that, its because they think its better for themselves. But your life isn't theirs, its your life, and its given to you to live it the way you want. PEACE BRO'