THIS ALL MAKES SOME SENSE. IT DOES NOT SAY HOW TO GET SOMEONE BACK. BUT IT DOS SHOW EXACTLY HOW NOT TO GET THEM BACK.


The 7 Common Mistakes People
Make When Trying to Get Back
Together With Their Ex's







Mistake 1: "But I Love You So Much"

After a break up, many people will try to repair the relationship by repeatedly telling their ex how much they love them:

"We can't break up... I love you!"

"If you knew how much I loved you, you wouldn't leave."

"I love you. If you leave me I'll be miserable."

Perhaps because of messages we get from society, some of us are under the impression that "love conquers all" so our love should be enough to save our relationship. The unfortunate fact is that loving relationships often don't work. Your love for your ex, in itself, is not enough to bring you back together.

For the relationship to have a chance your ex needs to love you too. But even that isn't enough - they need to love you the right way. To keep things simple I'll generalize love into two categories:

There is "I-care-about-you" love. This is the platonic love you may feel for a close friend or a family member. This love may involve such feelings as sympathy or pity and it is not romantic, sexual, or involve any kind of attraction. A couple who has only this type of love for each other is probably on the verge of a break up or settling for security reasons.

Then there is "I-need-to-be-with-you" love. This love involves attraction, desire, and excitement. This is the romantic, passionate love that brings people together, keeps them together, and brings them back together after a breakup. When two people have this type of love for each other they are willing to work on the relationship instead of leaving it.

And herein lies the solution and the challenge... rekindling "I-need-to-be-with-you" love in your ex. It's extremely difficult because you can't force your ex to have these feelings for you. In fact, the harder you try to force it, the less likely they are to feel this way (this is what I call the paradox of attraction)! Your role in recreating this feeling in your ex has to be more indirect.

That isn't to say that you have no control. In many ways your ex is only reacting to you. You can influence how they react by controlling how you present yourself and what you say.

There are very specific things that you can do to improve your chances of getting back your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend. Repeatedly telling your ex that you love them is definitely not one of them.



Mistake 2: Looking for sympathy

When you first met your ex boyfriend or girlfriend, do you think they were attracted to you because you were depressed? Did you strive to be unhappy around them? Did they respect you because of yourself pity and broken spirit?

It's unlikely because these are not the qualities or behaviors that people find attractive in a potential girlfriend or boyfriend.

We find the exact opposite attractive... strong, upbeat, friendly, and motivated people are one's that we want to be with in a romantic relationship.

But, in an anguished post break up mental state, we somehow convince ourselves that if we can make our ex feel sorry enough for us they will want to get back together. So, we may act sullen and depressed... wallowing (as dramatically as possible) in our self pity. Or, we may act out - getting very upset and behaving in ways we normally wouldn't (often doing stupid things we regret later) - hoping that our ex will realize just how much pain the break up is causing us and how hard it is for us to live without them.

Basically, we do the opposite of what brought us together with our girlfriend or boyfriend in the first place! While we should be making ourselves more attractive, instead, we pour all our energy into making ourselves unattractive.

If you take a step back and look at what is really happening, it's easy to see that this isn't at all logical or productive. Not only do these self-destructive acts negatively impact your life, it hurts your chances of ever getting them back. The more ridiculous you act, the more sure they become they made the right decision by leaving you.

We turn to desperate and counter productive approaches like this when we feel we have no solid plan, viable alternatives, or available options.

For those who are willing to set themselves pity aside there is a better way of getting back an ex. Refuse to sink into negative feelings and behaviors. Depression and self pity aren't helping you get back with your ex, achieve your goals, or create the life you want.


Mistake 3: Manipulation

Your goal in getting back your ex is to repair and regain a relationship that is valuable to you. This is an admirable intention. But, admirable intentions do not justify the use of any means necessary.

Using kids, money, sex, or any other kind of leverage available to you to coerce your ex into coming back to you is not only unkind, your ex will lose respect for you.

These tactics backfire much more often than they work. Your ex is likely to see through what you are doing and only resist your attempts with more resolve than ever before. Their recognition that you are manipulating them will only be another reason they don't want to be with you.

Even if you were successful at getting them back, the long term consequences would not be favorable. Forcing someone to do something creates resentment. Resentment is relationship cancer.

Don't entice your ex by teasing them sexually hoping that if they get frustrated enough they will sleep with you and then you'll have leverage. Don't make them feel unnecessary guilt about not being good enough parents to their kids just so they will come over more often. Don't offer them money hoping that they will become indebted to you. Don't get together with another person and rub it in their face just to make them feel jealous.

Manipulation, in any degree or to any extent, no matter how small or insignificant, will create a tear in the relationship.

Avoid it altogether.

The kind of relationship that you want cannot be based on underhanded, conniving tactics. Don't be so shortsighted that you sacrifice what could be a healthy, long-lasting relationship for your immediate gratification.

If you have been using a manipulative tactic you need to spend some time examining yourself and your feelings for your ex. How much do you really care about them if you are willing to use such hostile and devious tricks on them? Maybe they are better off without you if you don't care about them enough to resist resorting to such unfairness.

Out of all the mistakes that someone can make when they are getting back their ex this is probably the worst because it reflects poorly on you as a person. I hope that if you've been trying manipulation to get back your ex that you will instead take a look at what my book can offer you.


Mistake 4: Reasoning, Persuading, and Arguing

The other day I was reading an ad for that beautiful new iPod I want to buy. You could say that I was reading it because I was hoping it would convince me to finally plunk down the cash... because I DO want that iPod in my hands.

I also read a somewhat negative review of the new iPod. I already have an older iPod (the ones with the black and white screens) and I know that they are spectacular products - easy to use, reliable, and very chic. So, as I was reading this review and the author was picking on so-called "flaws" I'm thinking to myself "Hmm, I never had a problem with that," "There is a solution to that, Dummy," and "You don't know what you are talking about!" Basically, I was arguing with the reviewer in my head.

My point (yes, I DO have a point) is this...

Words are persuasive when they are convincing us to do something that we already want to do. We go along with it without resisting. But, when words are trying to persuade us to do something that we don't want to do, they can actually make us more firm and confident in our decision because they force us to come up with counter arguments. In other words, they backfire.

Trying to convince your ex to get back together is trying to get them to do something that they already decided they don't want to do.

As you are saying...

"We were so good together. Do you really want to throw that away?"

Your ex is thinking...

"Yes, that's why I broke up with you. Things weren't that great anyway. We were always fighting. I think I am better off with someone else."

When you try to use persuasive arguments you force your ex to come up with equally persuasive counter responses - reasons what you are saying is wrong and what they are doing is right.

You are asking them to explain and justify their decision... and in the process of doing that they are reinforcing the idea, in their mind, that you SHOULDN'T get back together!

The more you push the deeper they have to dig their heels into the ground to keep their footing. You are solidifying rather than dissolving their justifications for the break up.

As with all the other common mistakes people make when trying to get back together with their ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend, people unintentionally hurt their chances of getting back their ex.

It seems logical, it's very tempting, but remember: arguing with your ex about why the two of your should get back together is like trying to talk me out of a new iPod... it just isn't going to happen.

Mistake 5: Reassurance You Have Changed

A person's habits and personality are relatively stable over their lifetime.

We all know this. None of us expect someone to be a completely different person with a different personality the next time we see them. None of us expect to wake up in the morning with different dreams, desires, and impulses. We expect a person's behavior to be consistent with their past behavior. And, based on experience, this is a reasonable expectation.

Who you are today is basically who you are going to be tomorrow. Who you are this year will be very similar to who you are next year.

Dramatic, lasting changes just don't usually happen outside of Hollywood.

Telling your ex that you have changed and that "things will be different this time" is asking them to believe something that is intuitively untrue and contradicts their life experiences.

You are saying "I've changed. I'm a different person and things will be different now." But, the truth is you haven't changed... you are saying that you are going to try to be a different person in the *future*. You may honestly feel like you are able to change your future behavior but that does not mean you are a changed person. It's an important distinction and one that your ex will automatically make as soon as the words come out of your mouth. It's a promise to be fulfilled at a later time, not something that has already occurred (like you are claiming).

It's not an effective approach to repairing your relationship and getting back together with your ex. I wouldn't advise it to anyone. It's a lame (though unconscious) attempt to decieve you ex... and they will probably see through it.

Rather than telling your ex that you've changed it's much more effective to SHOW THEM that you've changed.


Mistake 6: Foolish Pride

There is a certain amount of implied insult in a break up. The underlying message is "You are not good enough for me. I can do better."

Understandably, our egos and pride may not react well to this covert message.

The mistake of pride is different than the other mistakes in this series in that it is an error of omission as opposed to commission.

The insulted is either unwilling to consider the possibility that they should try to get back together or their pride may keep them from taking the necessary steps.

They say to themselves "My ex hurt me and I should not have to be the one to repair this... even though I want to be with him/her again."

Their attitude toward the breakup precludes any reparative action on their part. The steps they need to take to get back their ex are prevented by a hostile and self-important attitude.

The problem is that the relationship may have had value, it may have been overall very healthy, and the best thing for both partners, but they are unable to do anything about it because of "foolish pride!"

One of the reasons pride gets in the way is because people assume that they have to grovel, beg, apologize, or somehow humiliate themselves in order to win back their ex.

That is not the case! You should not do any of these things. These things would not contribute to attraction - which is the necessary ingredient in the recipe of getting back together.



Mistake 7: Wishful Thinking

There is a saying that is often referenced in regard to break ups:

"If you love something enough let it go free, if it doesn't return it was never meant to be."

It's comforting to think that fate will somehow handle our lives but let's be realistic... the fact is: your current situation is due to cause and effect and your future situation will be due to cause and effect. If you truly value your relationship with your ex boyfriend or ex girlfriend and want to get back together with them you are going to have to "cause" it to happen.

If you decide to just wait and see if your ex changes their mind you are taking a passive and lazy approach... one that is not likely to work out in your favor. In order for your ex to change their mind on their own they have to change their mind about the reasons they had for the breakup. Barring some kind of dramatic, paradigm shifting realization this probably isn't going to happen.

A more proactive approach is for you to "cause" them to change their mind about the reasons they had for the break up. More precisely, you have to make yourself attractive enough that the reasons for the breakup are unimportant. Your role in "causing" this change in your ex's thinking is still passive in a sense but that doesn't make it ineffective.

No, this does not involve stalking, arguing, or anything else that would only cement the decision in your ex's mind. Rather, this involves you working on who you are and allowing your ex to realize, on their own, that you are a different person than you were when you were together. If they realize this they will be many more times more likely to "give it another chance." Basically, by improving yourself and making yourself more attractive you give them a compelling reason to get back together... in spite of their reasons for breaking up.