Recently, I became attracted to a man who was in turn attracted to me... albeit, quite unexpected on both our parts because neither of us was looking for another. I'm about 6 months out of a relationship (not married, was but that was over 5 yrs ago for me) and was really just looking for a sabbatical... he's married and even though he is not happy in his marriage wasn't looking for the attention/affection of another...

We met while doing one of the things we love, kayaking. We are at great ease around each other and have many other activities we love in common, similar family upbringing, and some shared quirks which to each other perhaps aren't as quirky. :) Anyway, the connection was natural, unforced and not sexually driven. Our first sense of connection/meeting was in the dark (night paddle) and didn't even know what each other looked like, we just clicked.

We both feel guilty/frustrated about the attraction, and know it is undeniable after some time now. And since we don't feel we can do the sneaking around thing because that's not who either of us want to be... we wonder where this puts us. How to set the boundaries that are healthy. And quite frankly, we don't want an affair to be our foundation if we do get involved. Not a good place to start. He is unhappy and wants to change his situation, not because of me but because it's just time for him to stop wasting his life and his wife's by continuing to just go through the motions. If it matters, they have no children. Neither do I. We're 39 and 40.

Has anyone out there waited to get involved and done it successfully? Any advice?

Gee, I'm guessing there are no folks who have been patient enough to take the high road and have advice to share.

:(

What advice do you need? He is MARRIED!! Who cares what he told you "he's not happy"... He is MARRIED. At least have the smarts to wait until he is separeted from her. I would say read some of the other posts about going for a married man... sheesh...

Sheesh, what about my post said I didn't have the smarts to wait? That's exactly the choice that has been made here, if I didn't make that clear in my original post. Whoa, I feel attacked for making the choice NOT to go there... that doesn't seem to make sense...

I was looking to find others who may have taken the high road and could share the experiences as to whether this route panned out for anyone. I HAVE been reading posts but it about folks who are already "involved" and quite frankly those post make it easier to stay away from getting involved until he's not...

"since we don't feel we can do the sneaking around thing because that's not who either of us want to be... we wonder where this puts us"

"we don't want an affair to be our foundation if we do get involved"

You are getting emotionally involved with a married man, and he is with you... just because you have not been intimate with him, doesn't make it OK. I'm not attacking you, and if you feel that way it is only because you think you are doing something wrong. You are obviously talking with him on an intimate basis, and in a lot of peoples eyes... that might as well be cheating. I'm just trying to be blunt and honest with you, just as anyone should be in this kind of situation. What happens if he wants to work it out with his wife? Or if YOU become the reason he doesn't work things out with her? For both of you, I say leave this alone until things are DONE. Sorry if I came off as "attacking you", just don't want to see anyone do somehting foolish.

My dear woman, what married man does not say to a potential mistress, "I am not happy"? Same goes for the married woman who gives the potential lover the same excuse. Happy or not, it is not up to you to provide his happiness. If he cannot find that in himself, he is not going to find it in your bed. Affairs are band-aids and never corrective surgery.

If you are serious, and I think you are, since you pretty much have made up your mind here, at least be decent to yourself and do not get any more involved with him. That means emotionally and physically. He wants a divorce, tell him good luck and come back after the ink is dried on the decree. Have him show you the decree, just to make sure he is telling you the truth. If he is willing to cheat on his wife, he could lie to you too.

IF he is serious about you, he will get moving with his life and become a free man. It would be interesting to see if you are still so attractive to him once he is divorced. Sometimes the marriage is safety net for those who play - they can use their long suffering marriage as an out.

Jeffati, thank you. Pointing out what you did makes it clear the emotional ties that are developing even from discussing the connection.

And yes, it feels wrong to both of us that the attraction/connection occurred but I'm guessing those things can't be helped. The complicated part is how the outdoor and extreme sports we are engaged in put us in a small world and in the same place often. And since both of us individually--before meeting--are active in these things as an effort to get back to our authentic selves, it's not likely either of us would give up those things. We just need to stop talking about what we feel has connected us and deal.

It would seem we are each on an individual journey and believe it best to stay the course on our own priorities. If he is truly soul searching, then he will do better to keep it pure to that intent, as well as for me. I want to be true to who I am and want him to have the opportunity to find the same without outside influence. Because seriously, it is typically the outside influences that we allow to put us off course to begin with. If we end up at our destinations in parallel, and free, then so be it.

Shgrneyzs, your comments are greatly appreciated. Honestly, we are both serious about finding happiness for ourselves and very cognizant of his not being as far along on his path as I am. I certainly don't want to interfere with his figuring out what he wants for himself and/our his marriage; just as I don't want him to interfere with my quest or desire to not enter into another relationship with such potential for failure. I think our greatest risk is our introspective nature and sharing those thoughts. Guess we need to keep our discussions to rolls, rough water and gear. :)

Thank you.

Most affairs start with both parties 'wanting to take the high road' then they talk about 'taking the high road' get closer, discuss why not 'taking the high road' is totally against everything they believe in... get closer... and so on... before you know it you are involved emotionally... and an emotional affair is still and affair... all this type of talk is called rationalising your behaviour. I am not judging you.. this happened to me and it happens so slowly you are in over your head before you realise... and wish you weren't. Paddle for the hills my friend no matter how nice he is or how strong the connection... if you do get together you will ALWAYS doubt him... that's a fact. Believe me, it is easier to get out now than further on downstream... Be strong you sound like a wonderful person and deserve a single man who adores you.