Ask Me Help Desk - Father Ordeal

In order to anser correctly you guys have to know the whole story:

I am his third daughter from his third marriage, he does not speak with either of his children and started over his life with keeping me in the picture. My mother and him DID NOT get along and for many years I saw and heard him mentally and physically hurting my mother. He never hurt me though, I was actually daddies little girl. When I was five he was arrested for growing and selling majiuana and was on probation for like 7 years. Well my mother finally divorced him when I was 10 and she soon moved in with another man.

My stepdad and father hated each other which caused many problems between us and went about a year without seeing my father (two sided story from my mother and father don't know who is telling the truth). One day he came back and wanted to be apart of my life, this has happened twice.

When I was 15 I decided to move in with him to soon find out he was cooking and selling meth. He was always with his nasty meth head friends for hours on end, he became very paranoid and very aggressive. He finally got caught and apparently changed his ways. I started dating a guy who is now my husband shortly before I met my sister for the first time. The day before she left she started crap between my father and I which in summary landed my husband fighting my father, me fighting his girlfriend and him finally laying a hand on me. He threantened our lives if we went to the police and my husband and I never did.

Since then I have gotten married, received a huge promotion in my job, and now pregnant. I received a letter from him (I am assuming my grandmother gave him my address) now wanting to speak to me. I don't know really what to do because I don't want him to play the same mind tricks on my child or me. He has brought nothing but harm to me and my "now" family but apart of me still wants him around since he is my father and I do have quite a few good memories of him. I am so confused!! :(

Keep your contact with him in the same manner as a response, keep him informed by letter that this is not the time due to all those reasons you just gave and that you will check in from time to time to see how he is doing and you may do this through your grandma and at some time in the future if you feel that he has become more responsible then there will be a good chance that you all can get along and be some sort of family. Actually there you have made no promises and made plenty of hope for him knowing that he is being watched from afar and that any mistakes will be a major setback. My mom forced my father to give the big things in life to us two kids for birthdays or xmas. Not every year though. Let him come into your child's life on special occasions and let him do his thing of being a grandfather now, but keep it to those few hours, being at a gathering of extended family tends to calm thing down a bit too. He can sit in the corner, be uncomfortable, get to see you two or three of you all, and then be on his way with a smile.

I have had the same experiences that you have had except flip flopped. My mother was the meth head. She has changed her ways since getting caught but still drinks like a sailor. I don't allow my 3 year old son to see her that often because of her drinking problem. She has never laid a hand on me but a couple of her meth head boyfriends had tried including the one she is with now. For that reason, we never go to her house. It helps that we live 300 miles away from her too. If I was in your situation, I would at least wait until you have had the baby before contacting him. That is unnecessary stress you would be putting on yourself and your baby. It wouldn't hurt to go and see him one time and get an impression of how he is living and doing. If you think he hasn't changed by talking to him, I would shut him out of your life again. You, your husband and your baby don't need someone like that in your lives especially with all the good things happening for you. If he has changed, it wouldn't hurt to give him another chance. Good luck and congrats on the pregnancy.

Margarita

Quote:

Originally Posted by Duane in Japan

Keep your contact with him in the same manner as a response, keep him informed by letter that this is not the time due to all those reasons you just gave and that you will check in from time to time to see how he is doing and you may do this through your grandma and at some time in the future if you feel that he has become more responsible then there will be a good chance that you all can get along and be some sort of family. Actually there you have made no promises and made plenty of hope for him knowing that he is being watched from afar and that any mistakes will be a major setback. My mom forced my father to give the big things in life to us two kids for birthdays or xmas. Not every year though. Let him come into your childs life on special occasions and let him do his thing of being a grandfather now, but keep it to those few hours, being at a gathering of extended family tends to calm thing down a bit too. He can sit in the corner, be uncomfortable, get to see you two or three of you all, and then be on his way with a smile.

Yes, I think this is a good start. You owe nothing, bit cutting all contact will gnaw at you. So, do it on YOUR terms only. Find a way to keep safe contact at a distance - and leavr it at that. You owe him nothing, but I understand your pain and confusion.