I am a 30 yr. old mother of 2 and 1 not mine (my nephew) so 3 total. I have been married 10 yrs. I went through a depressive episode about 9 yrs. Ago and was diagnosed with clinical depression, I have seen many shrinks and been on many different meds over the yrs. Some helped some did not. I went off meds for about 4 yrs and delt with it on my own with herbal supplements. It is back with a vengeance now, I have prayed for release of this so often even asking god to not let me hurt myself. I wake up feeling like my life and everyone else's life would be easier without me in it or at the very least my pressures would be gone, but I fight that everyday and so far I am winning, I hate to go to the doctor and tell him because he knows I've been off meds quite a while, I feel like a failure if I tell him all this, but at the same time I can't fight this on my own anymore. My family is putting so much pressure on me to do everything for them, I get lost in the shuffle, no one ever asks if I am OK. I have 1 true friend but I feel like I can't really tell her everything mainly because she thinks I am so together but also because she is fighting breast cancer and I need to be there for her right now. Everyone thinks I am OK, I suffer in silence everyday of my life. My marriage is a mess, he is a big child never cleaning up after himself always gone after work, never here when I need him, he thinks I am b**** ing at him if I say anything. Truth is I am being a b**** most of the time, my anger is out of control esspecially with him, every little thing he does gets on my nerves. I am a very sexual person with a very high drive, he has no drive at all!! I miss the attention, he ia like a bad friend not a husband, he says working is being a good husband, but we have no marriage!! The kids are demanding but I deal with it, I suppose I am more patient with them because they are my world, occasionally they make me snap also but most of the time my husband is the target. I hate who I am with him, I love him but sometimes I feel trapped and I want to leave them all (omg, I'm horrible right?) can a mother even feel that way? I would never walk out on my kids but man do I feel like it sometimes, they ar'nt little anymore they are 15, 14 and 9.
To top matters I felt sorry for my mentally delayed sister and let her move around the corner from my house this summer (big mistake) she has a little one of her own, she is so demanding, she acts like a helpless child and I worry about her like crazy and she plays on that, my mom is 600 miles away in st. louis so she has no one else but me and now her and her abusive husband want to get back together and she is trying to guilt me into helping him move here to, I have refused to help, I moved her here to get away from him!! It is all a big mess, I am also raising my oldest sisters child too, he is good for the most part but I am stretched to my limits and I am afraid I am going to break. This is the only place I can vent because no one else cares to hear me or wants to, and you all don't know me so it works.
I have sooooo many moe issues, I need to see a shrink for but that is the gist, I am scared to death one day I'll wake up and won't win the battle with myself what do I do then? I need help desperatly... :(

Hey you, well I no it doesn't help much but I feel very much the same, very depressed, even suicidal and the advice I got was either travel the world on my own or drasticaly change my life, I've done neither and sometimes still live a very sad and lonely life. I haven't really got any advice for you I'm afraid but if you need a friend to talk to then don't hesitate to get in touch, perhaps we could share sob stories. I live in the U.K Good luck and maybe speak soon. Jason.

Thanks. The advice you were given is crap!! How is traveling the world going to make you feel better. The drastic change I feel like making is saying adios to my family and find out who I am on my own, I used to know who I was and even liked myself now all I am is a housewife, a slave and a doormat. I think my doctor already thinks I'm insane or a hypocondriac so I am apprehensive about going to him.

You're not a doormat and if you are being treated like a slave, doormat or just generally being used then maybe its time you did say goodbye. Is there a friend you could stay with for a while, someone who wouldn't tell the others where you were? Do you have my mail address? Is it safe for you to mail? I check my mails every day but unfortunately don't log on to here every day. Take care and remember you are not alone in this, I'm thinking about you.
Jason.

Yes I got your e-maill address - thanks. I don't think I could really ever leave my kids but my husband is a different story. I moved to where I am 5 yrs. Ago from a very big city to this tiny little town no one has even heard of, I had to quit my job and basically give up everything to come here for him because his parents were injured and he had to care for them, I did not want to come here, I left my sisters and my mother and nieces and nephews to come here, I thought if I did not he would come on his own and we'd be through, I should've let him go but I wanted my kids to have there father even though he was a drug addict, and an alcoholic, he has since recovered from both through rehab but his attitude is still the same. I have only one sister here who just moved here in August but she is mentally handicapped, I take care of her, I would not live w/her if you paid me so I really don't have anywhere to go and I don't make enough money on my own to leave so for now I am stuck.
He has no regard for how I feel, the world revolves around him. We have no marriage but yet he claims to love me? I guess I love him too but I don't feel like I can't live without him, in my first marriage I felt like I would stop breathing without him but I swore I'd never feel that way again about anyone and with my now husband I don't. I feel more like his mother than his wife. When you have been with someone for your entire adult life it is very hard to break away and it is never easy.
Some days I am OK with my life but other days I feel like I am drowning. Today is a good day so far but it is only 9 am so that could change. In the evenings the kids go to there friends houses or football practices so we have like 3 hours to ourselves, but we are so distant, no converstion no interaction unless arguing counts. I really do hate my marriage, I want him to hate it enough to make it better but he does not care. I need to feel close to someone mentally and esspecially physically. He is the only man I have ever been with who could care less about sex! How is that possible? I have never had to beg for it in my life till I married him and that only lasted a couple yrs. Before I gave up and stopped asking, I make no gestures in that direction anymore, because I am rejected every time.
I hate who I have become with him, I am not nice, I yell a lot because he does not listen to me, he calls me a b***ch . If he just acted like I mattered to him at all I would probably change.

Maybe you need to go to some abuse open house? Somewhere safe for you and maybe even your children. Maybe speak to your children in private, trust me they'll know what you're going through and they will want to help you and be with you over their father, I'm not saying don't let him see them, that would be wrong but you need to plan getting out of there either with or without your children. There are places where you can go, I'm not saying it is going to be easy because it's not, far from it but he needs to realise what he's going to lose. It sounds like you're past talking to him and I don't doubt that you love him but believe me, this is for the best for both of you and deffinately for the children. Have a look on the web for safe houses, speak to someone from there and explain your situation. Keep your chin up, it will get better, it'll take time but it will.
Keep in touch.

Problem with that is don't I have to be abused to go to those places? I am just take advantage of and taken for granted? He does not physically abuse me.

There's more than one kind of abuse, he's verbally and worse still mentally abusing you, not physically. Talk to them, they will tell you the same, mental abuse is probably the worse. He treats you like a doormat and a slave (your words), you need to get out of there and the sooner the better. We all take each other for granted from time to time, we argue or talk about it and we stop doing it for a while but he's stopped listening to you and your cries for help. Talk to them and see what they have to say, you'll be surprised. They will put you and your children up for as long as you need and they will help you get a place of you own if that's what you want. What do you think he would do if he knew you were on here asking these questions? If you don't think he'll get violent then maybe you need to show him how desperate you are, not to leave him because I don't really think you want to, but to work things through with him.

He made me pick him up from work today for lunch and screamed at me the entire time, he won't let me have any money to pay the bills and he says he is not coming home, he is so hateful, he blames me for everything he never sees his part in all this, it is like talking to a brick wall!! I have to get out, I want a divorce, how could I have been so stupid to think he gave a crap about us? The world revolves around him, all he sees is himself, he only loves himself, what kind of man would refuse to support his family, he left me with nothing. I'm done. He want to drive me insane and it is working. I'm not going to let him get away with this. I don't care what he thinks about me writing on here, he doesn't know how to us a computer anyway, I have done everything for him, cooked ,cleaned, fed his stupid dog, washed his laundry, had coffee ready every morning as he requested. He is a selfish s.o.b

If he's gone then surely that's what you want? I know its not how you planned it but it is what you want. Did you speak to anyone yesterday? I wish I was closer to you to give you support. Let me know how you are getting on.
Take care.

I speak to no one about my problems, so far you are the only one. He is playing mind games with me that is how he works, he thinks it gives him the upper hand, it is only pissing me off. He don't care about me how could could I have wasted so musch time with this jerk, he was supposed to be different. He won't have a physical relationship with me and now he won't provide for his family. I talked to a lawyer today. They say he cannot make me leave the house since I have kids but he is givining me grounds for divorce by not supporting us and neglecting our relationship and by mental cruelty.

So what are you going to do? Can you support yourself and children? Can the courts make him leave the house or provide a court order so he cannot be near you to carry on giving you mental cruelty? I really want to help you and give you advice but don't really know what else to say. If he has a right to stay with you, therefor giving you more abuse, then you have to look deeper into setting yourself free, like I mentioned in the past messages. I truly hope you can sort this out sooner rather than later and move on with your life, for yours and your children's sake. Maybe when he's alone he will start to understand what he had and threw away.