As you know I broke up with the girlfriend Saturday. Well she dumped me in fact saying she just didn't feel the same for the last 3 weeks; yet she denied there was any problem when I had an inkling 2 weeks ago and a week ago.

Fickle! But harsh and a lesson of life that we all face at least once.


Luckily, I do not put her on a pedestal, and I still see the faults she had, despute all the good points which made me love her.

I may have contributed to her feeling more certain that she didn't feel the same way about me recently; perhaps unavoidably. Me being around when she feels like this isn't helping matters.

Talk about digging a deeper hole.

Well this sort of thing happens all the time. People often lose that spark for someone, for little or no reason.

What's the best thing to do if you are on the receiving end of such sudden changes of heart? Well, if you recognise it be proactive and take the initiative. Disappear for a while, do no be around them.

I know this but I didn't so I have myself to blame for not being able to possibly change those negative feelings.


So. What is it that me and a lot of people are hurt by? Well I would say it is an EGO BASHING. And the realisation that you have fu**ed up!

A dent on your ego. How the hell can they not want me? I know I'm good enough for them.


For me, yes I am hurt and pissed off. I'm not going to pine too much or let it ruin me.


You have to get over it quickly. I want her back, but only because I want the control back. I want the control of knowing I am wanted by her. That's it.

This, I suspect is the real reason for hurt. Not that it was the one for you.

Once you have that control, and that equilibrium where you know that you can take it or leave it you are in a good place.

Isn't it funny, the les you are interested the more they are.

People want what they canno have.

People do not like to be controlled. When we are jealous of what they are doing and start acting in a possessive way they feel controlled and run a mile.

If they have felt attraction for you and the relationship was generally positive then it can be there again; with patience.

Provided there isn't massive damage, and in my case I would say just 3 weeks of this feeling is not massive damage; then you can be sure that at some point there maybe be a rekindling of the attraction for you.


But here is the killer. When does it typically occur? It occurs when you don't care anymore.

If you show you care and are bothered then it is game over. If you ignore them then the chances are that at some point they will feel the attraction for you again.


You have to show yourself to recover more quick than they expect and more quick than they move on.

Sounds ridiculous maybe, and I could be wildly wrong.

But going to the gym, getting active and busy, and showing you can take her or leave her is key.

Getting another very attractive girl, extremely quickly will have them wondering, will it not? It make sthem jealous and start to want you again.

They think: how on earth can he be with some other gorgeous girl so quickly. I thought he said he really loved me, he was all over me, he acted like I was his everything. He looked gutted when I dumped him. He cried even!?


It shows you in a more attractive light. You are exactly to them how you were when she was first attracted to you. i.e u don't care about he rmuch, your not pursuing her, your not giving her attention. Then suddenly, whose ego is dinted? NOT MINE.

This of course does not always apply and is just observation and not based on empirical evidence. But it rings true mostly.


So if you want them back. Move on. It is a HUGE PARADOX. The paradox is you genuinely might not really want them once you have moved on. Or at least you should be able to take it or leave it.

My advice to people. Get yourself in this position fast. Stop pining whining moaning and showing yourself to be so easy and available and all ove rthem. Girls hate this stuff.


Be scarce mysterious, get a new haircut, new clothes and restore that equilibrium in your minds.


You may get her you may not, you don't care because there are several other, probably better girls out there.


Cynical? Maybe. Unfortunate? Definitely. True? Definitely.


This is the only way forward. A girl is only ever part of your life.

They will or may want you only if you show and really truly in your heart think that they cannot have you.


Then if they show interest again, and if you are bothered, then and only then try again, but treat it as if you would treat a totally brand new relatinship and put your feet in the water before you get in!


Goodnight and thank you.

Very eloquently put I must say, definitely a lot of truth in it but I have one question, do people out there think the situation is different when the breakee is at fault for the break up of the relationship?

Let me expand a little... about 3 months ago my girlfriend said she was unhappy with me and the relationship. I knew that there were really lots of things in my behaviour that has got to her, including a feeling that I didn't care for that much and was flippant about the relationship. So when she suggested a break I paniced and tried to put things right, well at least reassure her that things would be different... so frantic phone calls and text messages... and I'm sure that you can all guess where my promises got me... looking back I realise that there was a small window of opportunity that I blew (but there were also serious commitment issues that I probably wouldn't be able for so its probably for the best) but the thing is when someone is breaking with you and itsyr behaviour that is the root cause its REALLY hard to accept that getting off the scene will do anything but prove to them how right they were

In my case I got off the scene too late, damage totally done. I still love the girl and miss her but there is no chance of us every getting back together so I'm asking the question as much to get a feel for what people out there think

Its all very well trying to understand everything but that just become analysis paralysis. No game playing, you are who you are. If you can't live with you, then your pretty much stuffed!

If your ex partner doesn't want you then so be it. Instead of sitting there being so down get out of the house and do something constructive. If they wanted you, they know where you are! No contact, don't bother with them.

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Originally Posted by mattletiss

very eloquently put i must say, definitely alot of truth in it but i have one question, do people out there think the situation is different when the breakee is at fault for the break up of the relationship?

let me expand a little...about 3 months ago my girlfriend said she was unhappy with me and the relationship. i knew that there were really lots of things in my behaviour that has got to her, including a feeling that i didnt care for that much and was flippant about the relationship. so when she suggested a break i paniced and tried to put things right, well at least reassure her that things would be different...so frantic phone calls and text messages...and i'm sure that you can all guess where my promises got me...looking back i realise that there was a small window of opportunity that i blew (but there were also serious commitment issues that i probably wouldnt be able for so its probably for the best) but the thing is when someone is breaking with you and itsyr behaviour that is the root cause its REALLY hard to accept that getting off the scene will do anything but prove to them how right they were

in my case i got off the scene too late, damage totally done. i still love the girl and miss her but there is no chance of us every getting back together so i'm asking the question as much to get a feel for what people out there think

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Hey dude, thanks for rthe comliment about my 'eloquence.' I'm glad it was easily understandable.

In answer to your question, what I think happens is this.

You obviously get two people attracted to one another. This is animalistic, it is lust, it is nature.

Bang you hook up have sex, the hormones dominate. Your brain releases all manner of feel good attachment hormones and you are in essence under the influence of a drug. I think it is oxytocin. I am no expert, but this is definite proven pyschology. Research it if you must.

So what happens after this. Well, levels of this hormone go down and it comes down to peoples expectations of how the relationship will work out beyond the pure sexual and physical element.


There is now no drug effect. Some days/periods of time you are not that bothered anymore. You have had them you know you can have them easily so game over, you want something different. Or rather, someone different to ignite those hormones again.

This is never one way or one sided. You go through phases where you feel like this, and you go through phases where they feel like this. So what does the party in the relationship who feels that the other's interest has waned do? Panics and gets annoyed that the other doesn't like them. Insecurity mounts. They convince themselves that they must show the other person how they feel.

The result? Well the first couple of times this is not deleterious. You get away with it. As the other party wants to show that they are still interested, so the pedulum swings again.

However, after a while of 'bliss' and everything going right, a rut sets in.

This problem is exacerbated when you are put in the situation where your partner complains you do not show you love them enough.

The clever thing to do is to tease them and do not act a wuss (unfortunately despite knowing all this I acted the wuss). We do this out of fear. Yet we KNOW that this will lead to the other party getting cold feet.

How many times do we hear the following: clingy is no good for business? We do no want what we can have, we want what we can't have? We do not want to feel trapped or controlled? If you push they pull away?


The most successful relationships in my opinion seem to involve a lot of messing around and playing the game. Never being abusive, but keeping that balance that you could no care less if they left you. This unfortunately is that paradox I am talking about

It makes no sense. It is not logic.

It is emotion.

Emotion causes the hormones to flow, to want to sleep with the other person, to feel uncontrollable desire. Its what keeps people together. It invlves regular strife and hassle and is contrary to any logic.

I know this, yet I messed up.

So what? I am a man! I will act like one again and deal with it.

I will not be affected. They lost the attraction. Is it impossible to regain. no.

You CAN get them to feel the attraction again. You can get them to sleep with you again. I cannot guarantee the relationship.

But attraction is first and foremost and paramount.

Without it, there is nothing.

Make them want you back. How? By not wanting them back. Ckever yet counter-intuitive, and ultimately it's no good.

You might not want them again? Oh well. Their loss. By then chances are you have found someone else who has given you the love drug.



Think about it. It's right and everyone knows it.

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Originally Posted by Jiser

Its all very well trying to understand everything but that just become analysis paralysis. No game playing, you are who you are. If you can't live with you, then your pretty much stuffed!

If your ex partner doesn't want you then so be it. Instead of sitting there being so down get out of the house and do something constructive. If they wanted you, they know where you are! No contact, don't bother with them.

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If that is aimed at me, you missed my point entirely.

I am right in what I say.

In a nutshell I talk of a paradox.

I didn't say I will get her back. I said the only way to get her back is to forget her, by which time I won't even want her anyway.

(To quote scott mills:) think about it.

Bang on the money again man, you have my situation totally sussed!

Thing is for large parts of the relationship (i.e. for 1 and a half yrs before she dumped me) I knew I had her totally and though I really loved the girl I hated that it was so easy! As messed up as it was I never found her sexier than the day she left... I couldn't understand why until reading yr post... it was like as soon as she was unavailable... but as I say I messed up on the whole attraction thing. To be honest though I do still love her the ego thing plays a part, my regrets are about how I acted at times but also how I responded to the break up...

I think yr right about needing that tension, it's the only way. I think myself and this girl wouldn't work out because the balance was so lopsided in one direction and if we got back together it would be off in the other. Anyway as I rang her today to say I'm moving country and to apologise for what went wrong (I felt guilty) that's the book closed, which I think is best as she had made some tentative steps back towards me but speaking to her honestly tonight it was clear that she will never have a relationship with me so probably would have slept with me and messed the head up.

Going to move on to pastures new but another interesting thing I note is that though we know what to do we don't ever do it! We know what to do to chill but never manage it, why is that? Has anyone ever really successfully put the brakes on a break up? I hope if this happens again manage to back off and wait...

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Originally Posted by mattletiss

bang on the money again man, you have my situation totally sussed!

thing is for large parts of the relationship (i.e. for 1 and a half yrs before she dumped me) i knew i had her totally and though i really loved the girl i hated that it was so easy! as messed up as it was i never found her sexier than the day she left...i couldnt understand why until reading yr post...it was like as soon as she was unavailable...but as i say i messed up on the whole attraction thing. to be honest though i do still love her the ego thing plays a part, my regrets are about how i acted at times but also how i responded to the break up...

i think yr right about needing that tension, its the only way. i think myself and this girl wouldnt work out because the balance was so lopsided in one direction and if we got back together it would be off in the other. anyway as i rang her today to say i'm moving country and to apologise for what went wrong (i felt guilty) thats the book closed, which i think is best as she had made some tentative steps back towards me but speaking to her honestly tonight it was clear that she will never have a relationship with me so probably would have slept with me and messed the head up.

gonna move on to pastures new but another interesting thing i note is that though we know what to do we dont ever do it! we know what to do to chill but never manage it, why is that? has anyone ever really successfully put the brakes on a break up? i hope if this happens again manage to back off and wait...

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Funny how litle things you do and say can have such an impact on people.

I will quote one of my favourite wise sayings (to inject a bit of humour):

Life.. is like oral sex. One slip of the tongue and you're in the sh*t!


Aside from this: have you ever noticed how people who treat each other like crap stay together time an dtime again when they are clerly not good for each other.

It's raw pasion. Neither of them care about each others wellbeing. They are like animals. But (unfairly) they keep that attraction don't they.

Think marlon brando in 'a streetcar named desire.'

Utter bastard of a man and not good for his wife but still they have a crazy sexual connection and attraction!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mattletiss

very eloquently put i must say, definitely alot of truth in it but i have one question, do people out there think the situation is different when the breakee is at fault for the break up of the relationship?

let me expand a little...about 3 months ago my girlfriend said she was unhappy with me and the relationship. i knew that there were really lots of things in my behaviour that has got to her, including a feeling that i didnt care for that much and was flippant about the relationship. so when she suggested a break i paniced and tried to put things right, well at least reassure her that things would be different...so frantic phone calls and text messages...and i'm sure that you can all guess where my promises got me...looking back i realise that there was a small window of opportunity that i blew (but there were also serious commitment issues that i probably wouldnt be able for so its probably for the best) but the thing is when someone is breaking with you and itsyr behaviour that is the root cause its REALLY hard to accept that getting off the scene will do anything but prove to them how right they were

in my case i got off the scene too late, damage totally done. i still love the girl and miss her but there is no chance of us every getting back together so i'm asking the question as much to get a feel for what people out there think

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One thing I've learned is that fault is subjective. Even when you think you are at fault an outside disconnected analyzer can see things totally different. When my ex left me I thought it was all my fault but it wasn't until later that I realized that it was on both sides and we were both flawed. I don't like to think of who's right or wrong, I prefer to identify my flaws and attempt to change them over time. Otherwise you end up torturing yourself unnecessarily. Cheers!

Snuffy
I would have to agree you make some very pertinent points , not all correct for everyone's situation but all up very eye opening stuff. Good post me thinks :-)

You've hit it right on the head. Be sure to put that into practice where your latest breakup from 3 weeks ago is concerned.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

You've hit it right on the head. Be sure to put that into practice where your latest breakup from 3 weeks ago is concerned.

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Expand on this please...

I'm doing quite well.

Still have not made any contact or even talked about her to anyone she knows.

She may be wondering now why I am so quiet, and what a turnaround my behaviour is fromm the frankly pathetic crying and (almost) beggng her to give it another chance.

She won't know yet or see that I couldn't care less.

I'm sorting out my job today; have an interview to work in a very trendy town centre bar - full of hot women who I can flirt with!

I will make no secret of the fact I am dating again or at least going out having fun with different girls. I won't tell her but she will find out. I know she will be asking about me; and I know she will be gutted - even though at the moment she doesn't feel attraction for me.

I knew a while back I was getting too 'into her'. This is probably what caused me to feel such insecurity and put pressure on her. I should have ejust gone with the flow and allowed absolute freedom. Or show no desire to curtail her freedom.

I should have acted like I couldn't care less. I know, I am sure in my heart she will feel for me again and I will get her again!


Im just not banking on it at all.

Just goes to show hinsight is 20:20.

And, it is easier to realise and evaluate things when you are not clouded by emotion/in the middle of it.

Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees.

Ah well; getting back would be great but like I say I do not expect it or count on it.

Just got to wait and see if this whole thing swwings again. Invariably it probably will. When I'm with someone else most likely!!