My wife in I are in year 10 of our marriage. Most components of our marriage are fine except for my wife's intimacy issues. Even before we got married the pattern of difficulty with intimacy developed. I figured it would get better. She has had no desire to approach me in a sexual way in the past 10 years. She cannot kiss me in a passionate way. She does not like her breasts touched and forget even kissing them. She is like a robot in bed, never changes postions or wants to be creative. I am a successful attractive 39 year old professional that is getting very impatient. I am told by many women that my wife is so lucky to have me, etc.

Years 1-7 my wife made no mention of her lack of desire nor did she feel it was a problem that we had sex once every couple of months (I'm not kidding). Year 8 I confonted her and basically gave her an ultimatum - I had to to survive. We have had a couple years of counseling, hormone testing, hypnotherapy, etc. She had this problem before our children were born so that's not it. She was raise in a family where sex was not talked about a lot and somewhat shamed her when it was. My point is we have addressed every possible cause at this point.

I have become very angry and resentful. I moved from one end of the country from my family to be closer to hers, made many other sacrifices as well. I am into trying to make things work but How much more do I have to endure? I am not sure if I can get over the anger towards her. I have entertained thoughts of going outside the marriage to at least feel wanted and appreciated. And, would feel completely justified doing so.

Any bit of info. Or insight would help...

I'm puzzled. Why did you accept the situation from the very beginning of your marriage. To me, it suggests that you have little interest in heterosexual sex either. Perhaps, you folks are a perfect match??

I don't see a problem here.

Hey NY,

I'm originally from the Bronx.

First suggestion I'd make to you would be to ignore the previous response.

Next I'd suggest some place peaceful and pretty to the eye and go there for the weekend. Take the time to see if you can get your wife to open up about her apparent problem. Please consider that the underlying issue could range from a brutal rape (To me all rapes are brutal) to incest to whatever, so be prepared for the tragedy in her life.

Frame the entire to a common problem to "our marriage". Let her know how you feel, minus, how other women may feel about you.

Focus on you and your wife.

Please remember that something is very wrong, personally, I would seek the help of a professional. I suggest that you place your wife first and respond to her with kindness and compassion. Forget about your needs and passions for the moment, believe it or not, you will survive the draught. She is the most important right now.

DonF -

Thanks for your advice and insight. I am not too far from you (Westchester). Although the first posts response was ignorant, I did cover thoses bases. I thought my wife may not be heterosexual. Even the therapist asked her. She is definitely heterosexual.

I have tried all of the things you suggested and have not seen much change that's why I am writing. I don't know what else to do.

I can imagine its quite frustrating. Its kind of hard to give advice when you've already tried so many options for outside help. All I want to say is I wish you the best of luck, and find it somewhere within you to keep holding on for something to change. Not what you want to hear, especially after waiting for 10 years for something to lighten up and progress. But I must say, you must be one heck of a man to stick around through such a sexual mess shall we say.

I wouldn't say leave her because she won't perform - but then again, I'd begin to feel that way too if I were in the situation. Sex isn't everything, but I really feel it plays a big role in a marriage. Being angry and resentful will not solve anything but I UNDERSTAND why you feel that way. Try talking to her again. Tell her something has to change. ( I KNOW, IM SURE YOU ALREADY HAVE ) GOOD LUCK!!

nyscott, I too am surprised that you are finding it more difficult dealing with this issue now after 10 years of marriage (well, okay, after year 8) than at the very beginning. I am confused as to why you would accept this for as long as you have. You knew there was a problem prior to marriage -- why would you think that it would get better with time? You always hear about women who think they can change their husbands once they are married and are told "What a mistake you made!" Why would you think this would be any different with a woman? People's basic issues don't change unless they work hard at changing something about themselves that they don't like. Even then, it isn't an easy thing to overcome. But, the person needs to desire to change for themselves, not because another person in their life wants it.

There seems to be a huge snag between the two of you in the communication department. Her apparent lack of interest in getting at the truth of the matter and trying to find a way to be as close to you as possible physically, would be of great concern to me too if I was in your shoes. But, I would have been looking for answers during the first year of marriage and wouldn't have just accepted this as part of my life for so many years as you have done. So, please don't try to rationalize having an affair now. It isn't fair of you to do this. You both are to blame for allowing this situation to get as out of hand as it has. You mention that your wife made no mention of this problem years 1-7. Why should she? You are the one that has a problem with it. Why didn't you bring it up before year 8? And, why have you put up with it for another two years after giving her "an ultimatum two years ago?

You believe since year 8, you have addressed every possible cause with your wife that might be the issue. Maybe you have, but she isn't being truthful to you or her herself. The truth might not be as easily resolved as you believe it is. I think donf might have hit the nail on the head. There is no reason for her to just be so closed sexually to her husband, especially at her age, if she is from the area you are now living in. Something deeper is going on with her for her to be so against your touching or kissing her breasts, and responding "like a robot" during sex. Your wife possibly was raped and/or molested by a family member and the truth is much too painful for her to admit, or she is not heterosexual and due to her upbringing, refuses to accept being a lesbian as her reality. It is quite possible that the therapist you both went to wasn't the right one for you. Having an affair is not the answer. You need to attempt to find a resolution to this issue before you "jump ship." An affair will only make you feel better for a few brief moments. The remainder of the time you will be worrying about getting caught, feel guilty, hurt your wife and children when the truth comes out, and hurt the other woman and yourself, because you are currently not available to enter into a normal relationship. I strongly suggest that you look into finding another therapist. If your wife cannot admit she has a problem and refuses to do anything about this situation, and you feel that you cannot live this way anymore, then you need to get out of your marriage so that you can find someone who will desire you in the way that you require. But, since you have allowed your "ultimatum" to backslide, you do need to make another attempt at finding a resolution to this situation. After 10 years and children together, you now have a history and a life together. Be completely up front with her and tell her that you just will not live this way anymore, and you expect her to work with you on this. Let her know that if she doesn't, then you feel that she is telling you that you are not worth fighting for and it is time for you to leave the marriage. She really needs to understand that this is the breaking point, her marriage is hitting a stone wall, and she better wake up and do something now or she will lose you. You need to get across to her that this time, it isn't an idle threat and it is reality check time. I would suggest when you find another counselor that you go alone to one or two counseling sessions. Let the therapist tell you when it is time to bring your wife in to the sessions. You are the one that is looking for solutions, so you are the one that the therapist needs to hear from first. Tell this new therapist what your expectations from these sessions are from the very beginning and you need help to get your wife to understand that your marriage is in jeopardy.

I do know of a good therapist in Westchester. If you are interested, please post back and I will send you a private message with the information. I believe that she is still practising in the White Plains area. If she can't help you, in all likelihood, she will be able to put you in touch with someone who can.

I wanted to spread some rep to RubyPitbull, I agree whole heartedly.
You went into this marriage with eyes wide open. I understand your frustration, but not your anger towards your wife.
She definantly has a problem, but if it is one you can no longer deal with then you need to end the marriage. Cheating is not the thing to do.

Scott.

My wife graduated from New Rochell High in 1964. My wife and I lived in New Rochelle when we were 19. We were there until we were 25, then IBM sent us to IBM Norfolk, VA.

I know this is difficult for you but you must not throw in the towel. Personally, I'm not a big believer in divorce unless the circumstances demand such a move.

I suggest to you that there is something in your wife's background that is blocking her. Or there may be a medical problem, anything from a hooded clitiours to scarring that causes your lady pain. My wife went through a period where intercourse was very painful. It turned out that adhesion's from previous surgeries effectively glued her insides together. Once that was corrected, she began to return to normal. It was a tough time for me learning to put a hold on sex until she was ready but in the end it worked out.

Sometimes a woman will really needs to be held and appreciated for just who she is. Give her the time to regroup. Love her as she is and hope you can reach who you want her to be. Abandoning her at this point because she can't or won't meet your standards sexually will only serve to drive her deeper into depression.

Scott.. I must commend you for taking the time to seek help with this problem... You obviously love your wife.. I hope you can find the unlying problem and work it out with her...

Sex only six times a year in the first two years of marriage?? Astounding! This is a situation where BOTH partners have a problem. You don't want heterosexual sex and neither does your wife. That doesn't mean that you are homosexual, it means you don't want heterosexual sex!

As Dr Phil says, you have to acknowledge the problem before you can make changes.

I think you two are a perfect match.

Enjoy life!

Choux, there is no reason to be abusive and repeat what you said in your initial post. The fact that over the past two years Scott has been trying to resolve the issue should speak for itself. He is acknowledging there is a problem. So, I am not sure why you feel it necessary to quote Dr. Phil here. Scott may not be handling it the way you would and it is most unfortunate that a solution hasn't been found yet, but at least he is attempting to find some answers before taking a major misstep, as he would be doing if he chose to have an affair. If you can't find it in your heart to be kind or helpful, please do not post. I suggest you click on the link to SITE RULES that is just below this post under my signature. It appears you need a refresher course on the rules here.

Choux, I think you are way off base here. There are many different reasons for sexual dysfunction, homosexuality being the least of them.

Scott,
I think Donf is right, I think you need to be patient with your wife. Divorce is never the right answer because you can work through any problem with patience and the result is a much happier one than divorcing and all the complecations that come with it. Even in this situation dont feel like you are justified to be unfaithful because you are not. You made a vow to be with her through the good and the bad. This is a bad phase and it will pass if you handle it in an honorable manner. Cheating will only ruin your life and badly hurt your wife and children. On the other hand I can completely understand your plight it must be really frustrating. I think at this point since you have tried everything you should sit down seriously and talk to your wife about how the situation is making you feel. Help her understand you needs as a man and even be honest about how you have contemplated going out side the marriage to fulfil the desire of intimacy. This may hurt her but it may give her a much needed wake up call.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by nyscott

My wife in I are in year 10 of our marriage. Most components of our marriage are fine except for my wife's intimacy issues. Even before we got married the pattern of difficulty with intimacy developed. I figured it would get better. She has had no desire to approach me in a sexual way in the past 10 years. She cannot kiss me in a passionate way. She does not like her breasts touched and forget even kissing them. She is like a robot in bed, never changes postions or wants to be creative. I am a successful attractive 39 year old professional that is getting very impatient. I am told by many women that my wife is so lucky to have me, etc.

Years 1-7 my wife made no mention of her lack of desire nor did she feel it was a problem that we had sex once every couple of months (I'm not kidding). Year 8 I confonted her and basically gave her an ultimatum - I had to to survive. We have had a couple years of counseling, hormone testing, hypnotherapy, etc. She had this problem before our children were born so that's not it. She was raise in a family where sex was not talked about a lot and somewhat shamed her when it was. My point is we have addressed every possible cause at this point.

I have become very angry and resentful. I moved from one end of the country from my family to be closer to hers, made many other sacrifices as well. I am into trying to make things work but How much more do I have to endure? I am not sure if I can get over the anger towards her. I have entertained thoughts of going outside the marriage to at least feel wanted and appreciated. And, would feel completely justified doing so.

Any bit of info. or insight would help....

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I as a Pastor do not like to tell you this but go for help both of you. It sounds like there is something going on and I do not want to point fingers.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Choux

Sex only six times a year in the first two years of marriage??? Astounding!! This is a situation where BOTH partners have a problem. You don't want heterosexual sex and neither does your wife. That doesn't mean that you are homosexual, it means you don't want heterosexual sex!

As Dr Phil says, you have to acknowledge the problem before you can make changes.

I think you two are a perfect match.

Enjoy life!

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Umm I am sure Dr. Phil would not appreciate you quoting him in the same breath you are giving very IGNORANT advice. I am wondering if you are not questioning your own sexuality deep down inside. Just my opinion

What is the "normal" amount of sex we should expect in a "normal" marriage?

Does anyone truly know? My wife and I may have sex 5 times on a weeks vacation, and maybe 1 or 2 times in a regualr "work week"... but sometimes we go 2 or 3 weeks between sex if there is stress around the house (and us).

Thoughts?

I find it shocking that I am attacked for repeating the Questioners statistics and calling his attention to his part of the joint problem. HE pointed out his wife's shortcomings. I told him of his part in this problem.

If one is sincere in wanting help, and apparently HE IS NOT, then, a person must welcome advice. ALL MARITAL PROBLEMS ARE JOINT PROBLEMS.

Have a lovely weekend.

But you said he was Gay. Where did you pull that out of? That is not a helpful answer to a clearly heterosexual male.

I DIDN'T SAY HE WAS GAY!!

Reading comprehension, please.

I said he *didn't have much interest* in heterosexual sex. That doesn't mean he is gay! AGAIN, THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE IS GAY.

All maritial problems are joint problems. No one can "blame" their spouse for everything... they are joint problems. :):):)

Enjoy Life!