Hi... I've been married 4 years and about 18 months back I had a chance meeting with a colleague... We ended up spending the night together and now I am in a relationship with him. He lives in another continent... but we still see each other every few months and the intensity seems to be only increasing...
Weirdly enough though I am still very much in love with my husband and can't bear the thought of leaving him... Am guilt stricken most of the times and feel like I am doing injustice to my husband who has been nothing but loyal and loving and caring these last few years we've been together... At the same time I can't stop thinking about the other guy and can't bear the though of never seeing him again. I must admit though that he doesn't share the same level of intensity for me as I for him...
I have on several occasions tried to break it of with this guy but we end up coming together eventually and are extremely attracted to each other...
I don't know what to do... I am leading this traumatic life right now which is filled with a mixture of guilt for my husband and a constant longing for the other guy...
HELP!:(

I think you feel a draw towards this distant friend because he is exactly that, distant, as you say on another continent. If he was totally available you probably would have been over him by now.

You say he doesn't seem to be that into the relationship as you are, well, my friend, why don't you concentrate on what you have got with your husband of four years and count your blessings.

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Originally Posted by tickle

I think you feel a draw towards this distant friend because he is exactly that, distant, as you say on another continent. If he was totally available you probably would have been over him by now.

You say he doesnt seem to be that into the relationship as you are, well, my friend, why dont you concentrate on what you have got with your husband of four years and count your blessings.

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Thanks Tickle... You're right I think... I'm almost on this self destructive path at the moment... and it's not getting me anywhere... How does one tackle it on a day to day basis ? I seem to be texting him constantly and sometimes I almost feel as though I am 15 all over again... Absolute mindless longing... Can't describe it in any other way... Also my husband travels a lot and that doesn't help things... I really really want to do the right thing...

July sounds to me like your doing this out of boredom. Find a hobby, get a dog, volunteer at a nursing home, shelter, food pantry... Fill your time with something that you can be proud of and that will enrich your soul and spirit.

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Originally Posted by bushg

july sounds to me like your doing this out of boredom. Find a hobby, get a dog, volunteer at a nursing home, shelter, food pantry...Fill your time with something that you can be proud of and that will enrich your soul and spirit.

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I wish this were the case... But I do live an extremely full and busy life... I work full time and have packed weekends... And still find dealing with this very very difficult...

Julymermaid,

You are felling guilty because you are guilty. You chose to break your vow to your husband. Please listen to that little voice inside your head that is telling you that your actions are wrong, they are!

My suggestion is regardless of your reasons for starting the affair, end it now. Tell your stud muffin or what ever you call him that you are ending it now!

Return to your husband and try to make amends. That does not mean you should confess your discretion to him. Don't make your affair his misery.

I would also suggest you see your priest, pastor or rabbi, if you have one to work through this situation, this is not going to be an easy thing to do.

Hello julymermaid. Although you may have a life chock full of stuff going on as you say you do, for you to embark on an affair means that you were missing something in your marriage. Possibly the sexual excitement that a new relationship brings? Even though it is tough to end, you do need to end it. Now. If you love your husband and want to stay with him, the longer this affair goes on, the better chance of your getting found out and that goes hand in hand with the possibility of losing him forever. You have broken your marriage vows and his trust. If nothing else, if you are found out, it most certainly will turn your entire life upside down and cause both you and your husband much grief and unhappiness. I agree with Donf, please do not ever allow your guilt over this to drive you to tell your husband. I have always felt that it is actually a very selfish move to admit an affair to a partner. A person's desire to unburden themselves suddenly places the burden directly on the shoulders of the partner. All it will do is cause your husband to be so hurt and miserable when he was otherwise happy, along with driving a wedge into your relationship. Telling him anything about this might find you divorced and alone, which is not what you want. You must carry the burden of the affair on your own. You need to find a counselor to unburden yourself with and to find a way to make your husband the center of your world again. Whether that is a religious figure in your life, or a marriage counselor, is your call. But, you need someone's help in finding your way out of this mess and finding a way to make your life work again. I noticed that you found another post I made that has a link to a marriage counseling website. I would suggest that you start there if you don't have anyone else to turn to.

I agree with Donf. Stop that relationship immedaitly. It is wrong and it is a very selfish thing to do. You are doing something very dishonorable. Just think what it would do to you if your husband did the same thing. It is not fair on your husband and if he finds out and divorces you. You will regret it for the rest of your life. Believe me, it is not worth it.. For every decision we make there are consequenses. If you decide to continue this relationship just be prepared to live with results. The truth always comes out. It is only a matter of time. Its your life, its up to you.

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Originally Posted by julymermaid

Hi ...I've been married 4 years and about 18 months back I had a chance meeting with a colleague... We ended up spending the night together and now I am in a relationship with him. He lives in another continent ... but we still see each other every few months and the intensity seems to be only increasing....
Weirdly enough though I am still very much in love with my husband and can't bear the thought of leaving him ..... Am guilt stricken most of the times and feel like I am doing injustice to my husband who has been nothing but loyal and loving and caring these last few years we've been together ....At the same time I can't stop thinking about the other guy and can't bear the though of never seeing him again. I must admit though that he doesn't share the same level of intensity for me as I for him...
I have on several occasions tried to break it of with this guy but we end up coming together eventually and are extremely attracted to each other ....
I don't know what to do ...I am leading this traumatic life right now which is filled with a mixture of guilt for my husband and a constant longing for the other guy....
HELP!:(

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First, you have to come to grips with yourself. It is not just about you.. If you love your husband like you say you do then his feelings should be important to you... There are a number of men that I wished I could have had the pleasure of being with. This is a "lust", but there is only one man that I would be "empty inside" without and that is my husband, that "love". If you feel that way then the strong person within you has to let go of this obsession with the other person and move on with your life... It is your choice if you want to tell your husband but I suggest you do.. You do not want him to happen to find out. That is a devastating thing.