Ask Me Help Desk - It was perfect until...

The other night I went out with my boyfriend, his little brother and his mum. We all went to a family get together, my boyfriend drunk a lot and was fairly drunk by the end of the night. We all went back to his mums, where I looked after him, cleaned up his sick, comforted him, hugged him, bathed him and got him to bed.
At veripus points of the night my boyfriend changed. He became angry, hysterical and nasty. He told me his mother hated me and everyone was laughing at me, and that he hated me. He also at one point smacked me around the head. I can remember the look in his eyes when he was being nasty. He was trying to hurt me, he wanted me to feel horrible and hye wanted to upset me.
Before you make an assumpsion, my boyfriend has never acted like this when he was drunk or at any other time before. He is the sweetest guy. And would do anything for me. Always has. I love him so much, and he was so upset when he found out what he had done. He couldent stop apolugising and was really ashamed of himself. He has promised me he will never drink that much again ever near me.
I just wanted to know if anyone has any idea why he actedthis way towards me?
Thanks for your help.
I would really appriciate it. Xx

No matter what he promises you, if he is a constant drinker, even in front of his parents, then he's an alcoholic. Alcoholics will lie to you every chance they get and also blame you for everything under the sun. He changed his attitude after you told him what he'd done, just to save face, but as soon as he gets another chance he'll go off on you again. Then he will say 'I'm sorry' over and over again while he's slapping you around a little more each time. Once he's done it, he will continue. This is an alcohlic talking to you - although dry for 25 years and I'm a female, but there is no difference. And if he hits you to boot, then it's time for you to put on your running shoes and run like hell. Unless he acknowledges his illness and sees a professional for help, he will continue to drink more and more, as he must reach a certain blood alcohol level just to get a 'buzz'. Once his 'control center' in the brain is killed by alcohol, there is no stopping and he will have no personal control over his illness any longer. And since he hit you once during this time, there is now nothing stopping him from hitting you further and harder - might even kill you. Go to an al anon group meeting and ask how it really is, and you will find out more than this, and it gets worse. He will continue to lie to you and himself - this is called denial, that's is a stage he must get out of. So it is now your choice, stay with him, make excuses for him, and get beaten up and lied to and abused - or get out quick. His parents know what and why and did nothing to help and you cannot help him either except for leaving him. This just might be what he needs to realize he has a problem, seek therapy and get healthy again. Once he's willing to do this and has gone through it, you might, again might, consider taking him back. But if you have any sense at all, leave him. No matter how much you love him, and no matter how much he claims he loves you, the only thing he loves is his booze as it has total control over him. Since he did not remember what he did - he had a blackout - and he will use this as an excuse the next time too.
Let me repeat myself, GET OUT! It's the only way you can save yourself, and him if he is serious about wanting to change.

I wish you all the best, and know personally how hard this can be, but it's your only chance of staying alive, so please head my words. You can be the best gal he ever had and make all kinds of excuses for him, but it's too late unless he accepts he has a problem and does something about it, but you must leave him first.

I have no idea why he acted this way toward you but one thing is sure ; he WILL do it again. And again and again and again. It is the typical cycle with abusive people ; they are mean, then later on express remorse and are extremely "sorry". Shortly thereafter it happens again and the same thing ; remorse, apology and on and on. I've seen it happen numerous times to people I know and love and it has happened to me as well. Now I'm a pretty hefty guy and threfore am not vulnerable to physical abuse but I have been emotionally and verbally abused by significant others in the past and it happens exactly as I've described. Lucky for them (and myself) I didn't fight back with my fists the way some guys would have ; otherwise I'd probably be in prison right now with numerous convictions for felony assault. However, I did make up my mind that I would NOT tolerate that kind of behavior from ANYONE for any reason, no matter how hard they tried to apologize. Your situation is all the more dangerous because it involves physical abuse compounded by alcohol abuse. GET OUT NOW and don't look back. Make no mistake about it ; he is an abuser and it will continue. I know you've said that he's never done anything like this before, but there's always a first time. And the intervals between the first and second time, the second and third time, the third and fourth time, etc. will get progressively shorter until it becomes second nature. Trust me ; I've read about it, observed it and experienced it myself. This is not the kind of life you want for yourself so get out and no turning back!

He is not an alcoholic. I have never seen him this drunk before. He drinks regularly but not ridiculous amounts, he'll drink a beer in the evening, but nothing much more.
I understand where you are coming from but I don't think its quite as serious as that. I thought perhaps he was just ina bad mood and as a consiquence because he was drunk took it out on me.
Becca x

Don't make excuses for ANY abusive behavior, no matter what type it is. The thing that distubes me the most about this is that he acted like this in fromt of his family and they had no problem with it. If I were you I either A: sit him down and tell him how that made you fell and that you WILL NOT put up with that or ANY type of abusive behavior. Or B: cut it off. The thing is, if you let something like this slide because he was drunk, it will happen again, and it might be MUCH worse. Sometimes it takes a situation like this to show you someone's character, and it should be an eye opener. Obviously you are smart enough to realize that this was NOT something you want to be a part of, but I really think you should take this VERY seriously. Being drunk is NEVER an excuse for ANY type of behavior, and don't let him use that as a part of his defence. Also, how much respect can you have for this guys family for laughing and basically egging him on? Not much. I would say get out while you can because an abusive relationship will have MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR effects on you. Good luck and be strong. :o

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxBeccaxx

he is not an alcoholic. i have never seen him this drunk before. he drinks regularly but not rediculous amounts, he'll drink a beer in the evening, but nothing much more.
i understand where you are coming from but i dont think its quite as serious as that. i thought perhaps he was just ina bad mood and as a consiquence because he was drunk took it out on me.
Becca x

I sure hope you a right, I really do - but my gut feeling tells me that you are making an excuse for him. I wish you all the best and please keep us posted. Happy Halloween!

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Hi,
I know other posts have been made concerning this drinking, but I would like to add a little to it.
Does your boyfriend drink a lot? Such as, every day, or get drunk on the weekends?
If he only gets drunk on the weekends, or if both the weekends and drinks a little through the week, this is a sign that he could be an alcoholic.
One of the very, very bad signs is when one who drinks gets mad and angry.
A normal drinker will usually be happy, merry, and want to have fun. In the stages of Alcoholism, getting mad is one of the signs.
If he struck you, I can guarantee that it will only get worse.
My suggestion is to meet new people, and hopefully, you can get over this boyfriend. Things will only get worse!
He will not change until he wants to himself. All you say, do, etc, will not play much of a part in it.
I sincerely wish you the best.

I have to thoroughly agree with jeffatl. DO NOT make excuses for this guy. This IS a serious situation. I think you realize that yourself in your heart of hearts, otherwise you wouldn't have posted your concerns on this forum. If you ignore it or continue to excuse it away it will only get worse. As other posters have suggested, it could be far more serious, perhaps even with tragic consequences. Do NOT let that happen. Avoid this man at all costs. He is no good for you. You deserve far, far better than this. Love yourself enough to walk away from this abusive relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by s_cianci

I have to thoroughly agree with jeffatl. DO NOT make excuses for this guy. This IS a serious situation. I think you realize that yourself in your heart of hearts, otherwise you wouldn't have posted your concerns on this forum. If you ignore it or continue to excuse it away it will only get worse. As other posters have suggested, it could be far more serious, perhaps even with tragic consequences. Do NOT let that happen. Avoid this man at all costs. He is no good for you. You deserve far, far better than this. Love yourself enough to walk away from this abusive relationship.

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I couldn't agree more. Making excuses and being an 'enabler' is very dangerous and benefits nobody in the end.

Alanon.com
Alcoholicsanonymous.com

Find a meeting in your area and start attending.

This is going to get worse and worse.

This will happen again Guaranteed ,unless he decides to get help.A violent drunk is nobody to be around .For your own good stay as far away as possible or you will pay a high price for being in his life.Check out Alanon for the straight up truth to save your life before you get caught up in his mess.

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxBeccaxx

he is not an alcoholic. i have never seen him this drunk before. he drinks regularly but not rediculous amounts, he'll drink a beer in the evening, but nothing much more.
i understand where you are coming from but i dont think its quite as serious as that. i thought perhaps he was just ina bad mood and as a consiquence because he was drunk took it out on me.
Becca x

Dear, you have not responded in a long time.. Are you OK? We mean to help you - and I've been there, so we really want to make sure you come out of this safe. Please get back with us as soon as you can, OK?
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Abuse is abuse, making any excuse is one excuse too many.

You love him, but you know what he did was wrong.

He has an anger issue and a drinking problem, without counseling it will only get worst and worst.