Hi,
I've never really used these things but I'm at the end of my tether so here goes;
I've just moved back to the family home and been told by my mum that her mum (my grandmother) is an alcoholic.
Apparently it has always been this way but it was kept hidden from me and my 2 brothers. My grandmother lives in a different country so we don't see her that often. She's quite honestly committing slow suicide with her drinking and won't listen to anyone that tries to help her... this morning we got a call from the hospital that she has blood poisoning. Her neighbours called the ambulance as they hadn't seen her in a few days and when the medics went in they found her sitting in a chair in front of the TV and couldn't tell how long she'd been there...
It breaks my heart and I fear its because I don't understand it. I may seem naïve but I don't understand how one person can hurt so many others. I know its an illness and that's something I do understand... I just don't know how a mother can hurt her own children and grandchildren. Being completely oblivious to it all.
I feel helpless, and its in my nature to see a problem and try to fix it but I feel I'm just getting more and more frustrated and upset as I can't do anything, and it seems everyone else in the family have given up trying to help her! They say they've been trying for 20 yrs or so and she's never listened.
I guess what I'm asking is how do I emotionally get through this, is it better to distance myself from it? To call her? Am I just being stupid thinking I could actually make any kind of difference.. I just don't know... its weighing me down...
Anybody, anywhere who might know anything about any of this... id really appreciate to hear it... thanks for your time.

:confused: x

Oh, hun, I feel for you, I really do. But in all honesty, there is nothing you can do. An alcoholic will not get help until they realize that they have an illness. There is nothing anyone can do until then.

Unfortunately it is best if you distance yourself from it. I know it's hard, but she won't listen to you until she identifies that she has a problem.

Your wanting to help is admirable, but your efforts will be fruitless and you will end up devastated and more frustrated than you are now.

J_9 is right. 0ften I tell people they are letting their health go worse than they need to. I tell them they should take anti oxidents or Omega 3 or whatever they need to improve their poor health and they say, "Oh, I am just getting old. We all get old and we all end up with one problem or another!" I tell them they shouldn't just sit back and accept it if they can improve the quality of their life but they don't seem to care.
It is sad but many people do have a rather selfish attitude that they are going to live their life the way they see fit even if and when they are headed for a train wreck. By their age they feel like they lived a full enough life that they aren't looking at it any other way.

I have no answer. I will pray for you and your grandmother today.

Helllo!!
I was living in a alcoholic housewhole for 12 years of my life! My mother started drinking when I was 13 until I moved away! As for your question, there is nothing you can do until the actual alcoholic doesn't admit he/she has a problem and seeks for help by themselve!
You need to live your life. You cannot help her as you can see other members tried with no result! You won't make that difference! If you start helping her at the end 2 people will be sick, You and her! She won't give you that satisfaction! They like to have the attention and love seeing someone hurt since they are truly hurt inside and that their way of expressing! And more you give attention less help they want!
If you have any other question left me know! :)

I'm with the others, I have lived with an alchololic and the best thing to do is just distance yourself. Sometimes by sticking around you can actually make it worse as it 'enables' them as they cannot see how bad the situation actually is.

Before you can look after others you have to look after yourself. In this case that means getting out before you are dragged down.

Good Luck to you.

Lily,

I disagree with the above posters only slightly.

If you feel the need to be proactive might I suggest that you see your Priest, Pastor or Rabbi, if you have one or contact your nearest AA sponsored group and ask for help. One possibility would be to set up an "Intervention". This forces an immediate look at his life as others see him.

However, be aware, that he is a drunk and that he will fight you and anyone who gets in the way of his bottle.

You can be supportive, caring and loving, but you have to be firm and unyielding. This is his disease and he must fight it to defeat it. You can not do this for him!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lonelily

hi,
i've never really used these things but im at the end of my tether so here goes;
ive just moved back to the family home and been told by my mum that her mum (my grandmother) is an alcoholic.
apparently it has always been this way but it was kept hidden from me and my 2 brothers. my grandmother lives in a different country so we don't see her that often. she's quite honestly committing slow suicide with her drinking and won't listen to anyone that tries to help her...this morning we got a call from the hospital that she has blood poisoning. her neighbours called the ambulance as they hadn't seen her in a few days and when the medics went in they found her sitting in a chair in front of the tv and couldnt tell how long she'd been there...
it breaks my heart and i fear its cos i dont understand it. i may seem naive but i dont understand how one person can hurt so many others. i know its an illness and thats something i do understand...i just dont know how a mother can hurt her own children and grandchildren. being completely oblivious to it all.
i feel helpless, and its in my nature to see a problem and try to fix it but i feel im just getting more and more frustrated and upset as i can't do anything, and it seems everyone else in the family have given up trying to help her! they say they've been trying for 20 yrs or so and she's never listened.
i guess what im asking is how do i emotionally get through this, is it better to distance myself from it? to call her? am i just being stupid thinking i could actually make any kind of difference..i just don't know...its weighing me down...
anybody, anywhere who might know anything about any of this... id really appreciate to hear it ... thanks for your time.

:confused: x

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Definitely call her.

I speak because I am a recovering alcoholic and the best thing you can do for her is to let her know that you're there for her, anytime she needs to talk. It will also potentially help to open up her eyes to the situation and make her realize that it's not just hurting herself. Now while not *every* alcoholic will put up a fight if you try to get between them and their bottle, for the ones that do, an intervention as donf suggested would be your best bet.

Also, maybe you can attend Al-Anon meetings, and talk with others who are struggling as you are. They could give you some great advice too! Here is a website for Al-Anon:
Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

Good luck with all this!

Hi everyone...
Thank you all so much for your responses, helps to not feel so alone with a big problem!
Just to keep you all updated...

As I said she lives abroad and tomorrow my mum and I are flying out to see her until Friday.
She's still in the hospital, and there trying to get her to say herself that she needs to go to the rehab place within the hospital... problem is in sweden (sorry,she's swedish) is that unless she says it herself they can't intervene in any way. I don't know how the rules worked everywhere else but that's the way it is there an I think its stupid! Again because I don't understand... but she's been at that hospital on and off for 20 yrs with injuries and stuff from when she's been drunk... and 2 weeks ago she was in the rehab place but said they told her to leave because they needed the bed... which again sadly we don't know whether to believe as she will lie to those closest to her. And if she really was OK enough to go home then how come she's ended up back in hospital 2 weeks later for a blood transfusion from hurting her leg and not cleaning it, and drunk. She's a 71 yr old woman.

Well ill let you all know how it goes when I come back.. again thank you all so much for the support. Really really appreciate it.
So nervous about this trip!

Much love, x

Well, you can be with her now and always show her you love her. Have a safe trip and enjoy Sweden!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lonelily

hi,
i've never really used these things but im at the end of my tether so here goes;
ive just moved back to the family home and been told by my mum that her mum (my grandmother) is an alcoholic.
apparently it has always been this way but it was kept hidden from me and my 2 brothers. my grandmother lives in a different country so we don't see her that often. she's quite honestly committing slow suicide with her drinking and won't listen to anyone that tries to help her...this morning we got a call from the hospital that she has blood poisoning. her neighbours called the ambulance as they hadn't seen her in a few days and when the medics went in they found her sitting in a chair in front of the tv and couldnt tell how long she'd been there...
it breaks my heart and i fear its cos i dont understand it. i may seem naive but i dont understand how one person can hurt so many others. i know its an illness and thats something i do understand...i just dont know how a mother can hurt her own children and grandchildren. being completely oblivious to it all.
i feel helpless, and its in my nature to see a problem and try to fix it but i feel im just getting more and more frustrated and upset as i can't do anything, and it seems everyone else in the family have given up trying to help her! they say they've been trying for 20 yrs or so and she's never listened.
i guess what im asking is how do i emotionally get through this, is it better to distance myself from it? to call her? am i just being stupid thinking i could actually make any kind of difference..i just don't know...its weighing me down...
anybody, anywhere who might know anything about any of this... id really appreciate to hear it ... thanks for your time.

:confused: x

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My mom is going through something similar. Her sister is 52 and has been abusing alcohol for many yrs. (we all suspected, but could never prove) I remember going to her house when I was younger and she spent a lot of time in the laundry room, or her bdroom. She would hide her bottles there(sometimes even drinking mouthwash! ) Now she's living by herself which is dangerous, because no one can "monitor" her. She's been found walking down the highway-drunk, and has spent some time in local rehabs, and has been in and out of the hospital- nothing helps. I guess until she actually sees it as a problem and wants to stop- there's nothing anyone can do but help when needed.

Lilly,

Is there any way under Swedish law that you or your mother can ask to become your grandmother's medical surrogate or the legal equivalent to a Power of Attorney because she is no longer competent to meet her own needs?

Just a thought.

Hey...
Thank you all so much for your support...
The trip went well and she is currently in the rehab department of the hospital however they are not a proper rehab place its more just a detox ward for people on drugs and alcohol. But gran decided herself that she needed to do it and she is now on the medication... I can't remember its name... but it's the one where if you drink while on it you become seriously ill.I was so pleased to hear as the nurse had said to us that they can't even put people on it as the side effects if they do choose to drink are so bad that the person has to understand and choose themselves.
I felt my mum was quite hard with her but I do understand that she has been dealing with my gran for 30 yrs and promises of change being broken again and again..
I felt a little naïve with my 'fix it with love' approach.. but as many of you have said just her knowing she's not alone could help her. I think she is a very depressed 71 yr old who is very alone, I spent a lot of time just holding her hand an telling her we were there out of love for her.
My mum said my gran had always refused to take that medication so this was a huge step.
We are also talking now about having her move over to our home,then she can take part in life and we can 'moniter' her.. (eldestof6!)...
I do feel much more relieved after being there. I am still so worried about that young guy that's been buying her drink, and taking nice payments for himself to, but I think ill feel safer when she's here with us.
Wow well there's a whole load off my chest...
I really can't thank everyone enough for your kind comments and advise.
Really really appreciate it.
Love, x

Sorry but there is nothing you can do until he decides he wants to admit to having a problem and wanting to stop there's nothing you can do often times alcoholics need to hit rock bottom before they get help. But there is nothing you can do until he is ready to admit to having a problem and voluntarily agreeing to get help.