My son is gone... now what?
My son, Tiponi passed away in Dec. 2004. My shield of numbness is gone from me. I feel alone on the subject of death as no one here will talk about it or my son, Tiponi. If I mention his name the subject is quickly changed. If I have a moment of crying because I miss him so... my boyfriend practically runs for the door. There is no support here. I have been told men deal with this issue differently than woman. Is it really so much to want to be held and hear that this pain l lesson? I have faced all of my emotions, learning to "grow" from here on my own. The holidays are creeping upon up as is the month of his departure which makes the process of healing a bit more difficult. I have held my head up, supported my other children throung this difficult time but there are times that the walls around me fall and my heart becomes exposed to the realities that I am human.
Release... allow for guidance
The especially hard notion to embrace... let go and let God. It is as if we feel that if we let go, then we did not care or love, but to the contrary... if we let go we exercise our faith in the Sovereign counsel of God to obtain purpose, to see good in our darkest hour. As you have mentioned, the vibes are strong but somehow there is something lacking to make the connection viable.
You are an exceptional mother who must learn to allow others to cope with the issues of their own pain and allow yourself to be forgiven by yourself because there remained nothing you could have done to prevent what happened. You must know when things are out of your control, more importantly now, you must release yourself through forgiveness in order to make the connection viable between what your son is conveying to you. If you remain anxious, you will not be of a sober mind; hence, misunderstanding the direction and leading of your son. However, at some point, you want to release him so that his spirit will rest... be careful, if you choose to progress in this vain, allow not yourself to be overwhelmed by darkness because you remain in the light. Know that not everyone around you will feel what you feel it is impossible for that to be, yet you must not allow the fact that you are deemed a strong one, thus you carry the burdens for many and yet there are few who can carry the burden for you, thus you must learn to rec'v the help that comes from above, for He is greater than all and able to fortify you strong. Forgive those who are not able or willing to help share in your load, think about it, the way some of them handle their own problems, would you truly want to invest the sanctity of your well being and mental health in their hands. Probably not... so seek your help from a higher realm... let it become the Source of your strength.