My problem is this... We have been married for 10 years & had a wonderful marriage. He adored me & I thought him to be the one person who would never hurt me. I have supported him & vice versa through many hard times & also some good ones. Back in the Spring of '07, he left for another city & I stayed here at home due to circumstances of finance. During that time, he called me steadily for about a month & things were supposedly moving in the right diretion, we were working towards a life together again. Then, he suddenly became despondant & avoided MY calls. I asked him repeatedly what was up, if there was someone else, he should tell me. He denied all of this, said he just needed time. I gave him time & did not try to contact him for a month or so. Eventually, after I gave thought to divorce, he called & out of the blue wanted to see me. So, I did see him & discovered "Princess" number in his cell phone. He now told me he had met someone, lived with her in this other city & things went really bad. He wanted me back. I have been battling with this for about 3 months & fear I'm losing my mind. He tells me it was the worst mistake of his life, that I'm the only one for him. I was going through menopause & sex was not on my priority list & she made him feel wanted. She also catered to him, which I don't do. I'm very independent & headstrong & always have been. Still, I don't know what to do, I forgive him & want him back but, the reality of this other relationship is driving me nuts.

I am so sorry you are in such pain. You feel you are going nuts because he has completely betrayed your trust and if there is any chance for your marriage to work, he needs to work very hard at regaining your trust. Is he willing to do that? Are you both still in different cities? I would suggest you find a marriage counselor in your area and go alone. He should do the same if he is in another city. Both counselors should be in touch with each other and work together so that everyone is on the same page as to what needs to be done. When the counselor feels it is time for him to start attending sessions with you, then he needs to find a way to get there. If he refuses to go for counseling, then he isn't committed to trying to make your marriage work. He needs to understand that if he wants you, he has to do whatever it takes for you to get past this betrayal. You won't be able to do this on your own. You need some help from an objective third party to give you guidance. Here is a link that should help you get started. The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory

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Originally Posted by genacarr

He tells me it was the worst mistake of his life, that I'm the only one for him. I was going through menopause & sex was not on my priority list & she made him feel wanted. She also catered to him, which I don't do. I'm very independent & headstrong & always have been. Still, I don't know what to do, I forgive him & want him back but, the reality of this other relationship is driving me nuts.

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I think all this stuff about the other woman catering to him and giving him sex and you being independent and too "headstrong" is a whole flock of red flags. He is using your having "accidentally discovered" his little secret (which he basically pushed in your face) to punish you and make you feel insecure. He betrayed your trust AND he's now telling you that it was your fault that there was something wrong with you. DON'T listen to that!

I agree with those who say the burden is on him to earn back your trust. If you still want him back, now more than ever be strong for yourself. Please don't give in to any temptation to wait on him to try to win him back by being more submissive etc. He doesn't remotely deserve to be catered to now and it would be a betrayal of your true self. Don't think of yourself as "headstrong." That's a put down. Think of yourself as knowing your own mind and not obeying orders from people who have no right to order you around.

I'm not surprised that his other relationship is driving you nuts. Anyone would be hurt by this. But more than that, I think it was meant to hurt you. If he had wanted to protect you from knowing about it (and just wanted it for himself), he would have concealed it from you. I mean he was living in another city. How hard would it be to conceal a love affair? Dead easy! He didn't, which tells me that he wanted to hurt you with it. I could be wrong, but that's my take. ~ asking

I would give him the benefit of the doubt and give him another chance. Some guys do have a one time affair and realize the grass isn't greener and the wife accepts them on a second chance basis and the marriage is stronger cause he realizes what he could have lost had you been unforgiving. I'd say to him two strikes and you are out though!

Asking,

I'm sorry to disagree with you but the cornerstone of any relationship is trust.

If the trust between a husband and wife is violated then the villain needs to understand what he (in this case) did and how much pain and misery he is guilty of causing.

Keeping the vow you made to a spouse is simple and extremely easy. In fact you don't have to do anything to remain faithful. All you have to do is say no. Gee I wonder where I've heard that before.

You don't have to steal time away from your spouse, you don't have to lie to any one.

I'm in a little of a strange position here in that I married at 18, 42 years ago. For me, personally, I would never want to hurt my lady by cheating on her. And I ask you, for what. What has any other lady to offer me that my lady does not have?

Gena, my wife is from NY, she is Scottish/Italian and she was a Woman Marine. This lady has a steel I beam for a back bone. What this means to me is that there is no way on this planet that I can say she never let me know this was not good for us.

I have one rock solid rule. If I am going to do something and I don't think I would be able to my lady about it, I shouldn't be doing it, period.

Please stay strong, you are not the creep in this situation, he is. As to himself, I suspect that he is being nothing more than an opportunist. His fling ended so he figures he can always run home to you. Make this turd earn his way back into your home and life. If he can't respect you and the terms you set down, show him the way out. This bone-head needs to know that there are consequences for what he has done to his very own family.

Asking,

I'm ever so sorry, I did not mean to say I disagree with you, personally. It must have been the loose nut on my keyboard. I really liked reading your response and I meant to echo it.

Again I apologize.

Donf,
Thanks for getting back to me with the nice apology. I read both our posts a couple of times trying to figure out what I said that you disagreed with. I was more confused than upset. You didn't need to apologize, and I appreciate the agree points. I'm still relatively new here.

Your comments about trust hit home for me as I would really love to have someone in my life for whom fidelity is as simple as you make it sound. It used to be that simple for me; I never understood why someone I loved and who said they loved me would cheat. I guess I still don't understand why so many people seem to be that way, if not cheating, then thinking about it. And I don't understand either why they want to get caught and confess and put their sweety through so much pain. I don't see how anyone gets anything out of that.

I like your rule about not doing anything that you can't tell your wife. It seems totally reasonable to me. But I guess some people think it's too restrictive; they want to do all kinds of things they can't tell their spouse. For example, the nice attorney I'm dating says he and his ex-wife had more "privacy within the marriage" than he says I seem to want. I guess that meant having secret desires for other people and that being okay. Then he told me about how his wife used to take long bicycle rides with another man on her lunch break. I got the feeling he was jealous, but when I asked him if that hurt him, he got angry with me and said it was none of my business. It's been two weeks and I'm still confused by that. What's so complicated about monogamy for so many people? I feel like an alien sometimes.
Asking

Hi, well 10 years is a very long time but as I always say, its better if you hurt now then another 20 years will pass and you will hurt as twice. To tell you the truth, its strange for what happened to you after 10 years of marriage. One question I wanted to ask, do you have any children? Remember that children are those who suffer the most.

My parents are separated and I don't blame them nowadays, it was not meant to be but the person who was really depressed was me until I got used to the fact that my parents split up. On the other side, if you have children, always remember that it was not your fault for what happened to you and your husband.

At least, he told you the truth of having an affair with another person but on the other side, I would have had expected more maturity from him, a 10 year marriage is no joke!
A man should respect you as you are. I can't stand those men who find someone else just because their wives had not seen sex as a priority list.. thats egoism!

If I were you, I would take the chance to talk to him especially if children are involved. But this time, work with your mind not with your heart otherwise there's a pretty good chance of hurting again! Good Luck!