Hello.
I'm basically looking outside for help almost, or a source to talk to aside from my friends about life.
Going to give a brief overview of the past years that has made me who I am today, and one could say why so confused now. This will be rather long, and jump around giving various things about my life, hoping to help with the feedback.
I am 19. My parents got divorced when I was 14. The divorce was nothing pretty. I was brought smack into the middle of it, with my fathers' ill-fated mind making sure I would never be the same. During the two year period it took to finalize it, my father had fed lies and more lies to me and the courts. I was brought in on several occasions to testify in court against the words of my mother and my father, and on events that never took place that my father had construed up. Was also escorted by the police to my father from a few different friends houses on occasions when he felt the need it was his right to see me on that given day, thus to say, my father left me to become the man of the house of my younger brother and mother.
My father basically treated me like I was a plague upon the world, while treated my brother with every manner of him being an angel. (Flew my brother out on several occasions to Florida where my father was living during the separation period while really never saying a word to me.)
He is my father and I put that all aside from me (while it still tore me apart) and let things go, until about a year ago almost. He opted to help me buy a car after my other was totaled. I had not really spoken to him much for a few months and saw this as a way for us to maybe grow back into a loving relationship that I had not seen since before the divorce. Things were great, I paid for half of the car (3,000) and he paid for the rest. He inturn took my money, bought the car, then lost contact with me for a few days. After I finally contacted him he told me he sold the car for profit. This was the last blow I could take from him (this was on my birthday, and in such another painful time with my ex). I had my money returned to me, and to this day have not spoken to him. Something that has been very hard for me.
About two years ago, I lost my best friend to a drunk driver. And at that time my girlfriend decided she could not see me go through that hurt, and broke up with me. I felt entirely abandoned at that point in time. My father being a real jerk, my mom so caught up with the divorce and work, never being around, my girlfriend ending it and my best friend all the sudden gone, I felt like life could not get any worse. The only good thing going for me was football. I was to say the all-pro American football player, coach put me anywhere, I'd get it done. Started QB and played defensive end on occasion. In one of my games, I was speared then driven the ground by some players from the opposing team. That ended my football career (Crushed some vertebrates in my spine, doctor told me if I were to ever get hit the wrong way I would become paralyzed). Scholarships that were coming in ceased and I was left with nothing.
With that, I developed a fond interest in music and poetry. Became one could say distant and very angry. Changed completely from being this person anyone and everyone wanted to be around to an all around jerk. My poetry has led me to some great things, have won contests world-wide, and met some amazing people through it.
Socially, I kept my close friends and turned down anyone that wanted to talk to me. I had been hurt by people I never thought it would be done by (friends at the time etc) and decided enough was enough for a while. Last year I met the girlfriend that would finally bring an older me back.
Started dating and became in love with her after a few months (first love). I was finally happy full around again, after being almost never truly happy for many years. Things were superb in many manners, and in others bad. (She depended upon me for everything). Dated for about 9 months then hit problems of jealousy and trust. I felt betrayed by her because of some of her actions (She started hanging out with guys that would start things with me because I was dating her and that had tried hooking up with her). She had very few friends, and they were them. Wanted to keep them which caused a lot of turmoil for us. We broke up, but still were together in most manners until I blew up on her. Stopped talking for a while, started again and were getting back together until she heard I cheated on her then we have not talked since. (about 3 months ago). Will come back to this later on.
I have health issues also that has caused a lot of problems in my life. Last November I had a heart-attack coupled with small-case seizures. That has riddled me with problems for almost the past year. It hit my girlfriend at the time very hard, and when I told her why I was in the hospital she broke down. After seeing how hurt she was to see me almost on a death bed I guess, I masked a lot of things to in my opinion keep her away from what was happening to me. (Something I regret, it caused a lot of pain within me to not tell her what I was doing or why I wasn't talking to her at some points, and caused even more problems between us towards the end). To this day doctors consider me a medical mystery. The cause of why it happened is unknown and why I now have a irregular heart-beat is unknown. All they know is, it is now there. (Not a heart murmur)
When me and my exgf broke up I turned into a very bad person . Back to where I was a few years ago. Turned everyone away and developed a very bad drinking problem. My mom finally figured it out and helped me through things. Making me who I am today, a very good person again. Took a couple of months of self time to get things back on track, and make my life a good one again.
A few days ago, my uncle committed suicide. This has hit me very hard. He was a rather good friend, and someone I have always talked to. I have lost him, my friend, and two cousins to death in the past three years. Something that has made me a very closed box, and with all the lies and betrayal I have faced, someone that will give anyone anything, but takes a lot to open up (Took me almost 5 months to fully let in my exgf).
Who I am today- my friends would describe me in a lot of words. Nice, sweetheart, amazing, fun, funny, goofy, conceited.
I am now to say a very, very nice guy. I would do anything for anyone, and give people the shirt off my back to make them feel better. With me having that big of a heart, people have seemed it would be in there best interest to take advantage of that, and what I have to offer others...
To my conceitedness.. Hah. I am a very good looking guy. (Point to all this rambling hah). With that, since me and my exgf stopped talking I really have not thought about her, until recently. I have dated and dated around, and also slept around (which I am not proud of at all, and kind of ask myself why each time). I started to actually see a potential relationship from this girl I had been seeing for a few weeks. She wanted to get serious then it all the sudden hit me and I backed away like a mouse running from a cat. I had no idea why at the time why. I still had feelings for my exgf. I proceeded to write her an apology letter, which never got answered (A thank you would have been nice) and that was about a month ago. Since then she has been talking to my friends at the work place, and she never ever has spoken to them before. Also was told she truly believes I cheated on her, and is very hard to look at me (I have come up she is either still in love with me, and is still very hurt by that rumor).
To end the ramblings and confusing stories now hah.
My question- What am I doing wrong?
Why can't people be happy to know me (a lot are) and not take me for anything I will do for them. Why am I judged on my looks first ALWAYS? I am seen as this gorgeous guy, but I would much rather be seen for my personality and care for others, which some people never understand. Why can I not get SOME break in life, whether it be health-wise or friends wise, or hell family wise. Something has to be going wrong, in the most extreme of manners. And my biggest question now, why when I can date any girl I want to almost, do I still want to work things with my exgf. Something I do not even know how to approach seeing she won't give me the time of day. Why was my word disregarded by her to a rumor being spread?
I am rather just confused with life. Do I need to become more of an again so I do not get hurt? I cannot take people leaning on me anymore for everything. I just can't take something's anymore. Really, I do not know what to do.
