Ask Me Help Desk - Unhappy mom

Could use some advice. Been married for 12 years happy at first, unhappy about the last 5 years. We have 3 children 13, 11 and 9. I don't want to upset my children but My husband is selfish and very lazy. We were raised totally different. He works night I work days. He doesn't care about getting anything accomplished as far as around the house or yard or really anything for that matter unless its watching TV or playing poker with his friends. I am so ready to move on and hve been for years. Things happened very early in our marriage and even before that I don't think I've forgiven him for. I know I have stayed for the kids, and I just don't know how much longer I can take it. I deserve to be happy too. I don't think he was meant to be married. He enjoys sleeping and doing nothing too much. Do I stay or do I go? Am I alone or are there others out there who feel this way? I am 35 years old and I don't want to waste another 5 or 10 years.

I feel like I am in a very similar situation.

1. husband does not do anything to improve home says it is the way he likes. Says he doesn't need to impress anybody.

2. will come home early to sleep and not to play with our young child.

3> spends no time with me. I get no attention let alone sex.

4. am totally losing it. I did better on my own then with him now both emotionaly, and financially.

I do love him but I am bored and figure I would be better off without him.

You are not alone in the world, in fact you have a great deal of company. Staying with someone because you do not want to upset the children - they are old enough to see many things you may not think they see. Are they going to be happy if you and your husband split up? Possibly not but they can adjust. With love, patience, open communication, and understanding, it can be not as difficult as you may think. There are counselors out there for children whose parents are going through separation/divorce.

Maybe once you make your mind up and tell your husband that it is either wake up and put himself together or you and the kids will be gone - he may just wake up and assume his responsibilities. Not every guy is the handyman so you may need to hire someone to come and do those things your husband either cannot or will not do. Once he sees the bill he may decide to get off his duff and do what is needed. One can hope!

So I will ask you - what will it take to save this marriage? What do you want from him and what do you think he will say he wants from you? Where is the middle ground, the point where you can could agree on and work towards a better marriage? You two will need to go through some marriage counseling. Even if you end in divorce, the counseling is a positive experience.

It will be hard but the right thing to do is to take care of you. Your kids are at an age where they can sense something is wrong. They maybe upset at first but in the end you children will realize you did what's best. Only you know what is best and you can't be there the way you should be for your children until you make changes in your life.

Yeah being with a guy (even though he is their dad) that isn't a good rule model can be as bad or even worse than being a single mom, seriously!

Having worked nights myself, it is like living in a different world. You world revolves around sleep. It makes it hard for couples to find "US" time.
Have you talked (not yelled) at your husband about how you feel? Things could not have been that bad, you did have another child with him, the 3 year old, or did you think having that child would help things.
I have only heard your side, so I don't really know what to tell you. Talk to him,let him know how you feel. If you both want to work things out, get some marriage counseling. If you have made up your mind that you want out, then you should get out because you will find fault in everything he does and both of your lives and the lives of your children will be miserable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dmurray

could use some advice. Been married for 12 years happy at first, unhappy about the last 5 years. We have 3 children 13, 11 and 9. I dont want to upset my children but My husband is selfish and very lazy. We were raised totally different. He works night I work days. He doesnt care about getting anything accomplished as far as around the house or yard or really anything for that matter unless its watching tv or playing poker with his friends. I am so ready to move on and hve been for years. things happened very early in our marriage and even before that I dont think ive forgiven him for. I know I have stayed for the kids, and I just dont know how much longer I can take it. I deserve to be happy too. I dont think he was meant to be married. He enjoys sleeping and doing nothing too much. Do I stay or do I go? am I alone or are there others out there who feel this way? I am 35 years old and i dont want to waste another 5 or 10 years.

I am going through the same thing. My wife left me and she was cheating on me. We have been married for ten years and together for eleven. We have three children 2, 8, and 12. I can tell you if she communicated with me I don't think we would be in this predicament. I am not lazy and do all the cooking and the cleaning. From someone who was left I can tell you what would change his mind if he really loves you. If my wife would have talked or just handed me divorce paperwork I would have been at her beck and call. No man really knows what he has lost until it is gone. I just wish my wife would have stood up to me and told me how she really feels. Don't give up on him do one of two thing, you could either communicate with him if you feel safe about talking to him or give him divorce paperwork and see how he responds. Don't give up if you still love him. Happiness comes with in you. Do the things you would do if you were single. He will definitely change his tune. If you pull away from him he will notice it. No real man wants to loose there best friend and wife. Give it a chance girl.

Sorry to say it, but he sounds like the average man. I fought my husband for 7 years on some of the same issues and it lead to us splitting up. Being single is no cake walk either. I don't know what to tell you but if you figure it out please let me know how you did it. I'll try it on my next ex.