Hey

I've been with my girlfriend for over a month now and I feel I have very low self-esteem and confidence.

I feel like I'm not good enough for my girlfriend, though I'm torn because it feels we are right for each other; we both have the same temprement and (dare I say it) simple people with simple interests.

I'm trying to understand why I feel like this. Though this feeling is not as strong as when we first started going out... it sort of comes and goes and I do notice I feel it stronger when she "pulls back" and make it seem as though she doesn't need me -- which I think is a primary need for a man -- to feel needed.

I think it could be because I compare myself to other guys, and try to figure out what she sees is me, but I can't see how she can see anything nice...

Like I look at other guys and go (particulary her guy friends);

Ok, he has:

1) A job -- money.
2) Looks... Better body, etc.
3) More out-going -- not as boring.
4) Shares more common interests with her.
5) Less ignorant, more knowledge of the world and therefore provide her more.
6) Experience in relationships -- something which I have little in (I've only ever had one other partner, which lasted 1 and half years).

And then I say to myself... why the hell is she with me?! This thought is really upsetting, and it makes me step back from her in case she finally thinks the same so I don't end up getting hurt...

Does anyone else share my feelings?

I'd love to hear from you :)

Take care

I actually know how you feel, but reverse.. I'm a girl and I feel the same insecurities as you do... this really great guy was paying a lot of attention to me and instead of just going with the flow, I was second-guessing everything.. it's causing a strain between us cause he's holding back more and more now...

You're lucky cause you still have her.. for my case, it never did go anywhere and I don't think it's going to...

But one thing I learned is that sometimes, we just have to kick that low self-esteem in the behind and just do it..

As to what can we do about it? I honestly don't know.. am still trying to find good advice to go about it... but dude, seriously, trust me, I really know how you feel

Well I do have some theories as to why I may feel like this, and some solutions, too.

First of all men typically "value" or "price" themselves based on their possessions, and status. So, for example, what car they drive, their job and their position, and authority. Men are physical beings, but then you have the opposite...

Woman are emotional beings. Their primary need is not the males possessions, his status, etc, but what he can bring emotionally to her for example care, acceptance, validation, and reassurance.

So a man that appears to have absolutely nothing can still provide a woman what she needs; care, attention, devotion, and all of the other things I've just mentioned.

I also think its because sometimes we just decide this is the person I want to love, even if there is someone better out there. This could be because of availability. That person is most "available" to them, or it could be out of fear; you know what you are getting with that person -- but someone knew -- holy crap that's risky, right?

So there is a fundamental difference between you and that person that you feel insecure about; they love you... not them. They have devoted and committed themselve to you and to stand by you and no one else. If you do not accept this you show to them you do not trust them, and ironically, they will pull away because of this mistrust.

But then again, I've never been good at taking my own advice!

Hello aa:

Stop thinking, and start doing. Want confidence?? Go join Toastmasters. It's fun too.

excon

If she didn't like you she would not be with you now. I wouldn't stress too much about this. Maybe their is a book you can read up about this.

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Originally Posted by aaii

Well I do have some theories as to why I may feel like this, and some solutions, too.

First of all men typically "value" or "price" themselves based on their possessions, and status. So, for example, what car they drive, their job and their position, and authority. Men are physical beings, but then you have the oposite...

Woman are emotional beings. Their primary need is not the males posessions, his status, etc, but what he can bring emotionally to her for example care, acceptance, validation, and reassurance.

So a man that appears to have absolutely nothing can still provide a woman what she needs; care, attention, devotion, and all of the other things I've just mentioned.

I also think its because sometimes we just decide this is the person I want to love, even if there is someone better out there. This could be because of availability. That person is most "available" to them, or it could be out of fear; you know what you are getting with that person -- but someone knew -- holy crap that's risky, right?

So there is a fundamental difference between you and that person that you feel insecure about; they love you... not them. They have devoted and committed themselve to you and to stand by you and no one else. If you do not accept this you show to them you do not trust them, and ironically, they will pull away because of this mistrust.

But then again, I've never been good at taking my own advice!

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Despite your last sentence, reread your own post. You've essentially summed up what everything is all about regarding men and women and what attracts them to each other (or not.) Yes, women are emotional, not material (despite popular stereotypes), so a man's wealth, status and possessions really mean nothing in the long run. What is important is self-confidence and how you carry yourself. Women will interpret that, rightly or wrongly, as an indicator of how you'll meet their emotional needs and, consequently, indicate whether they'll be attracted to you. Comparing yourself negatively to other people is not good. Be who you are, be confident about it and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it. Probably the #1 killer of self-esteem and self-confidence is the belief that you have to live up to everyone else's beliefs and expectations instead of your own. That's not to say that you should go out of your way to be a rebel but you do need to recognize and acknowledge your own right to live the way you want to live and be who you are.

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Originally Posted by s_cianci

Despite your last sentence, reread your own post. You've essentially summed up what everything is all about regarding men and women and what attracts them to each other (or not.) Yes, women are emotional, not material (despite popular stereotypes), so a man's wealth, status and possessions really mean nothing in the long run. What is important is self-confidence and how you carry yourself. Women will interpret that, rightly or wrongly, as an indicator of how you'll meet their emotional needs and, consequently, indicate whether or not they'll be attracted to you. Comparing yourself negatively to other people is not good. Be who you are, be confident about it and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it. Probably the #1 killer of self-esteem and self-confidence is the belief that you have to live up to everyone else's beliefs and expectations instead of your own. That's not to say that you should go out of your way to be a rebel but you do need to recognize and acknowledge your own right to live the way you want to live and be who you are.

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Yes and you have raised a very important point in self-esteem and self-confidence; expectations.

When you come out of college or university your expected to land a high paying job. Your expected by society to have a partner, possibly even be married by a certain age and have children. Of course, this all depends upon the way you are brought up, your surroundings, and other beliefs that can influence your expectations, such as religion.

But the key to self-esteem and confidence is break free of all expectations -- to let go of everything and ultimately do what you want to do. You will always chose to do something that makes you happy if you do this, instead of forcing potential happiness onto yourself, e.g. by getting a partner or career in a certain area that has been "destined" to you since early childhood.

Although I do not nessarsarily agree with your point about carrying yourself well, making it look like you have a lot of confidence even if you don't. Generally this is true but I think there is an exception to this. Woman like things they can share with their partner, experiences, feelings, personality; anything that they can relate to their partner. If they are self-concious or have low self-esteem, they can relate to a partner that possesses this same quality. And guess what. My partner does half low self-esteem, is self conscious and at times quite self-pitiful. She has something to relate to. We can both share the feeling; she no longer feels alone.

Take care

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Originally Posted by aaii

But the key to self-esteem and confidence is break free of all expectations -- to let go of everything and ultimately do what you want to do.

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Hello again:

BS! More airy fairy psycobabble. Which came first? Confidence, or a reason to be confident?? Me?? I vote for the latter. Want to increase your self-esteem?? Go get good at something -- really, really good.

excon

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Originally Posted by excon

Hello again:

BS! More airy fairy psycobabble. Which came first? Confidence, or a reason to be confident??? Me??? I vote for the latter. Want to increase your self-esteem???? Go get good at something -- really, really good.

excon

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I agree that having a particular hobby or doing something positive, focusing your energy on it, and getting "really, really good" at it, as you say, is certainly a solution to gaining more confidence but that's only half the story.

If something is battering you consistently -- telling you "no... you should be doing ~this~" -- does that not knock your confidence?

Hello again, a:

I am NOT UN-familiar with the little voice in your head. What I'M saying, is take ACTION in spite of the voice. In time, maybe the voice will change its tune when it see's you're not buying it any more. In fact, THAT'S what confidence IS - changing the conversation in your head.

But, even if you do things right, there's no guarantee things'll turn out OK.

excon

Aa, how old are you? Did you get kicked around a lot when you were little or were your parents not very encouraging of anything you did? It sounds like you spend too much time overanalyzing your life rather than just going with the flow and enjoying yourself and your girl. You are doing what I call the mindeffing routine (I cleaned it up a bit). Stop questioning yourself, your situation and your girl's motives. If your girlfriend didn't want to be with you, she wouldn't. You keep this stuff up, and she won't want to be around you. Women don't like insecure men. It is draining. I would dump you in a heartbeat if you started spouting that kind of existensial (sp?) nonsense around me. You are wasting valuable time, and chipping away at your self-esteem with this nonsensical psychoanalysis of your situation. Excon is right. Just go out and enjoy yourself. Stop worrying. If you don't, you will never find contentment or enjoyment in your relationship. Maybe you will eventually figure it all out and let go of your insecurities by the time you're are an old git like excon.

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Originally Posted by RubyPitbull

aa, how old are you? Did you get kicked around a lot when you were little or were your parents not very encouraging of anything you did?

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No. Did you? You seem bitter about something.

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Originally Posted by RubyPitbull

It sounds like you spend too much time overanalyzing your life rather than just going with the flow and enjoying yourself and your girl.

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I agree with you completey. I do tend to over analyse everything and end up seeing things that aren't really there because of my own insecurities. I shouldn't look at things so deeply, but I'm afraid that's just who I am. Who are you to question my mindfullness?

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Originally Posted by RubyPitbull

You are doing what I call the mindeffing routine (I cleaned it up a bit). Stop questioning yourself, your situation and your girl's motives. If your girlfriend didn't want to be with you, she wouldn't.

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I agree.

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Originally Posted by RubyPitbull

You keep this stuff up, and she won't want to be around you. Women don't like insecure men. It is draining.

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Yeah being around people with low self-esteem is draining. But guess what. Asking them if they were beaten as a child or not appreciated by their parents doesn't help, at all. Maybe your hoping for some reverse physcology type thing there... I'm not sure. Or maybe you did have a point there... this does go deeper to something that happened in my childhood.

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Originally Posted by RubyPitbull

I would dump you in a heartbeat if you started spouting that kind of existensial (sp?) nonsense around me.

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I don't start anything around her. I'm very, very good at hiding my deeper feelings, and I think I come off as being very confident around her.

Though if she started saying to me she feels insecure and has low self-esteem -- I wouldn't dump her in a heartbeat. You would dump someone you love because they have low self-esteem? Maybe you haven't loved someone unconditionally in that case, and you know what, they deserve to be dumped by you.

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Originally Posted by RubyPitbull

You are wasting valuable time, and chipping away at your self-esteem with this nonsensical psychoanalysis of your situation. Excon is right. Just go out and enjoy yourself. Stop worrying. If you don't, you will never find contentment or enjoyment in your relationship. Maybe you will eventually figure it all out and let go of your insecurities by the time you're are an old git like excon.

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I agree. Stop worrying and let go. Look at the bigger picture, sit back and just be happy that we're together.

Take care

Well, I guess you aren't as low on self-esteem and confidence as you say you are my dear. ;)

Originally Posted by RubyPitbull
Aa, how old are you? Did you get kicked around a lot when you were little or were your parents not very encouraging of anything you did?

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Originally Posted by aaii

No. Did you? You seem bitter about something.

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That was a fair question from Ruby. It would certainly be one a good counselor would ask you. It immediately came to MY mind. Oh, and yes, I'm a counselor.

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Originally Posted by aaii

this does go deeper to something that happened in my childhood.

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*cough*

Well I don't think this relates to my childhood personally.

It just seemed like a rather childish remark or question... almost on the same par as saying "were you dropped on your head as a child?"

Oh, and if a counselor ever asked me "were you kicked around a lot by your parents?" -- I would walk straight out that door. I would hope a counselor be more tactful than that.

I think the self confidence issue may come from not being appreciated throughout life, such as school, college, etc, and nothing to do with my parents who have always been very supportive of me.

And yeah just get out there and do things and instantly become confident. Easier said than done.

Would you say to a blind man -- "Just open your damn eyes and see"?

Don't think so.

Take care

Well, you are now misquoting me. I meant "kicked around" in school or by other kids, not your parents. Sorry, I should have worded it differently so you wouldn't misunderstand and take offense. I was just reviewing your other questions about this situation. Do you think that your low self-esteem/confidence is getting kicked up a notch because you are frustrated by your situation with your girlfriend? Meaning, are you starting to doubt that she finds you sexually attractive and you think it is due to something about you or your personality?

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Originally Posted by RubyPitbull

Do you think that your low self-esteem/confidence is getting kicked up a notch because you are frustrated by your situation with your girlfriend? Meaning, are you starting to doubt that she finds you sexually attractive and you think it is due to something about you or your personality?

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Yes I think your right. I am very frustrated right now as she doesn't seem to care much about me or be her normal loving self over the past week. I guess I am feeling insecure and have a low self-esteem because I'm scared she doesn't love me anymore.

I appreciate your advice and I did take a bit of offense of what you said because I am feeling abit sensitive and delicate right now, but I am trying my hardest to not take things personally, and be understanding.

Take care

It matters not what she sees in your but how she treats YOU. What you see in her is actually more important. Those guy friends may have those things but may suck at everything else that you shine at. The best way to compete is by maintaining a progressive stance on your own personal growth. Be with her but be for yourself too. Stop thinking of "what does she see in me?" and start thinking of "what can I do to be the best that I can be?". That is not set by her. Abandon the paranoid notions you are not enough, because perhaps she is not enough. Strive to be the best. For whatever reason she likes you better than anyone else so have confidence. You were good enough for her to dig you in the first place right? Don't lose those origins. Always challenge her keep her on her toes. Improve and change, become somewhat indifferent. Treat her like a lady but don't bow down to all her whims. If she wants to go to a fish restaurant say you don't want to and that you want barbecue and make a point of it. The next day buy her flowers. Then the next day make fun of her in a slightly coy way about something she is insecure about her ears or her mouth whatever then and seem serious and then change the subject then after a short while give her a compliment. She wants to sit on your lap, tell her no way. Then when she isn't expecting it, later on, grab her and give her a big hug. It's a chess match. You keep her on her toes she will forever dig you.

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Originally Posted by aaii

"were you kicked around a lot by your parents?" -- I would walk straight out that door. I would hope a counselor be more tactful than that.

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That wasn't her question. No, a counselor wouldn't ask you that as you were hanging up your coat and sitting down, but certainly a version of that question would be asked along the way.

Please stop being unfair to us.

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Originally Posted by enigmagnetic

but don't bow down to all her whims. If she wants to go to a fish restaurant say you don't want to and that you want barbecue and make a point of it. The next day buy her flowers. Then the next day make fun of her in a slightly coy way about something she is insecure about her ears or her mouth whatever then and seem serious and then change the subject then after a short while give her a compliment. She wants to sit on your lap, tell her no way. Then when she isn't expecting it, later on, grab her and give her a big hug. It's a chess match. You keep her on her toes she will forever dig you.

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You were doing real good until you got to the comments above.

Pulling/pushing her down is NOT the way to make him feel better.